by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Aug 1, 2019 | affair, Blog, couples
When we are newly married, happy, and carefree, usually a time before children are in our lives, the thought of an affair seems impossible! Why would anyone stray from this marriage? This person? The person you married is incredible, sexy, and fun!
However, a few years down the line could potentially paint a different picture! Imagine your beautiful, sexy, fun wife as a tired, rundown, working mother with a full time job and a toddler. OR is she a stay at home mom with multiple schedules, children, a newborn baby, and a house to take care of! A husband who feels like he doesn’t see himself in his wife’s eyes anymore. A husband who feels insecure and invisible to his wife when the kids are involved.
Sometimes in a marriage, the fun disappears. The validation disappears. You no longer feel wanted or needed by your spouse. Or you feel insignificant as a person, and you are no longer receiving the validation and security that you used to feel from your spouse. So you stray.
This is a three part series. Next blog will explore in greater detail why do women and men cheat. Some reasons overlap and some are unique to the gender.
In marriage, there are three different reasons why people have affairs.
- When affairs begin, a person is falling in love with an imagined way of life, an imaginary person who they think will fill their needs.
- Affairs signify validation, and the need to be wanted or needed by another person.
- That “NEW” feeling. The beginning of something exciting, and also the need to be bad sometimes is very alluring. Usually the need to be in a situation that is considered taboo, and the thought of getting “caught” brings excitement to one’s life. But the feelings of others involved is not usually considered.
What can we do to prevent an affair from destroying our marriage?
- Appreciate your partner/spouse
- Be intimate – not just with sex. Share your innermost desires and thoughts with each other.
- Be empathetic – sometimes the most you can do is listen and provide an empathetic ear.
- Support each other’s friendships outside of the marriage – we need friendship.
- Grow together! Personal growth is necessary in all stages of life, support each other through your personal growth journey.
- NO subject is off limits – talk about everything, anything, all the time! Communication is Key!
- Be Active together! Find an activity that you both enjoy and want to do together regularly.
- Independence – this is important! Have a life outside of your marriage that features all the things that make you, YOU!
The most important thing to remember is that an affair usually means a deep longing for your own identity. A sense of self. You are not getting something that you used to from your spouse – validation. You can give yourself validation, so that your spouse no longer has to provide that for you, and you will also not have a longing to stray! Be good to yourselves and each other. Remember the person you were that your spouse fell in love with, and remember your spouse and the good times you had in the past. The memory of those good times can help to rekindle a flame that is dying out. The validation of knowing who you are and gaining the security you need can help you to fix anything that may be breaking up your marriage.
Couples counseling
Couples counseling can help prevent affairs before they start, but it can also help heal from an affair. Understanding the unique needs of each couple and creating marriage 2.0 is my strength. Contact me to find out how I can help create a relationship of your dreams!
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Jun 4, 2019 | Blog
Let’s talk about adult attachment!
Similar to the way that we attach to our primary caregivers as infants, there are four attachment styles that we may exhibit in our adult romantic relationships or in our adult friendships – secure, preoccupied, avoidant, and fearful.
These four styles lie on a spectrum characterized by low or high avoidance, and low or high anxiety. The amount of anxiety you feel and the amount of avoidance you partake in determine your attachment style. With a secure attachment, there is low anxiety and low avoidance; you feel close to your partner, you’re able to talk about difficult topics without negative emotions and without needing to leave, and have a consistent outlook on the relationship. In contrast, an avoidant attachment style is characterized by low anxiety and high avoidance; you may avoid any serious topic of conversation, and when you find yourself in a serious situation or feeling high levels of emotions, you may need to physically and emotionally detach from your partner, sometimes without warning and for a long period of time.
As a couples therapist, it’s important for me to help my clients identify their adult attachment styles and to find ways to work towards a secure attachment. Attachment style isn’t permanent – we have the capacity to change it!
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Mar 21, 2019 | Blog, couples
A complete guide for couples who are ready to move in
There comes a time in every relationship when you decide that you are spending a lot of time together and sharing a tremendous amount of sleepovers. When this comes to a realization, then there is a big decision that needs to be made….do we move in together?
What do you consider when making this big decision? When is the right time? How do we combine our finances, space, and time?
So when IS the right time to move in together? There are some signs that could lead you in the right direction.
SIGNS YOU ARE READY TO MOVE IN TOGETHER
- You understand your partner, they understand you, and you both aware of and understand each others habits.
- You are comfortable discussing money and finances together.
- It’s getting a little inconvenient NOT to move in together. (Sleepovers and living out of a gym bag is not fun.)
- You both understand that it will be tough.
- You’re both completely independent.
- You make quality time for each other.
- You are both great at solving problems and talking out disagreements.
If you checked off more than a few of these signs you are golden!
When moving in together, I’ve put together a couple of different lists that include tips that can help you along the way.
THINGS TO CONSIDER
- Understand that your life is about to change DRAMATICALLY.
- You’re essentially married now, and will need to consider another person’s opinion of your finances, your schedule, your time, etc.
- Privacy will be non-existent. (Even bathroom time can be interrupted.)
- Chores are to be split evenly, the house will not clean itself, and it’s unfair to rely on your partner to keep the house clean.
- You will need to ASK for your alone time. It’s not going to be an automatic, natural, thing to have.
- You will need to learn how to solve your disagreements in the best, amicable way possible.
- There is an art to combining space and finances. It’s personal to everyone, you and your partner will have to figure out what works best for you.
TIPS TO COMBINING FINANCES
- Keep ONE account solely for paying bills (a “Bill-Pay” account) where both of you deposit money into for paying bills.
- You should both sit down every payday and discuss bills that are due, and expenses, together.
- Keep separate accounts for yourselves, but be open, honest, and give your partner access to your account.
TIPS TO COMBINING TIME AND SCHEDULES
It’s easy to forget that when you RSVP for any event, you must consider the schedule and time of the person you are sharing your life with. Here are some tips to help along the way.
- Sit every saturday or sunday and go over scheduling for the following week. Events, appointments, work, etc. Make sure that you are both on the same page.
- Use a calendar app, like google calendar, etc. and combine it for the use of you and your partner. Include your partner whenever you are scheduling a last minute appointment or event.
In conclusion, moving in together can be an exciting and joyous time full of possibilities and new ways to explore each other and be part of each other’s lives! But remember that it’s also difficult to combine two lives and two personalities, into one household. So be kind, understanding, and compassionate.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Dec 17, 2018 | Blog, focus
Make things happen! Seize the day! You’ve heard the pep talk before. How do you motivate yourself to get up Monday morning and be productive?
The weekend allowed you to relax and regroup, so that you may return to work refreshed. Start Mondays from a new vantage point, review your priorities for the week and then assign your highest level of concentration to the hardest tasks first.
Here are some basic tips:
- Spend 10 minutes organizing and prioritizing emails.
- Only schedule meetings after 10 a.m.
- Turn off social media notifications
- Tidy your work area
- Embrace your routine
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Dec 10, 2018 | Blog
Holiday season is one of the busiest times to travel. Whether you are visiting family or going on vacation pre-trip anxiety can affect event the healthiest of us.
Common Reasons:
- Taking time off work
- Boarding Pets
- Scheduling transportation and accommodations
- Fear of getting sick
- Spending time with family in a confined space
- Going over budget
- Reservations being canceled
- Adverse weather conditions
- Forgetting to pack something important
Steps to take:
- Remind yourself of why you are traveling
- Visualize arriving at the destination
- Create lists – packing, spending, activities, gifts
- Bounce ideas of someone else
- Set a budget with a 10% buffer
- Remember anything you forget can be purchased at your destination or you can temporarily live without out (medicine is probably an exception)
- Check in with ourself if anxiety is what you are feeling. Excitement is sometimes confused with anxiety.
- Analyze each scary thought you have and figure out how you would handle it. For example what would you do if you missed your plane.
- Eat super foods leading up to your travels
- Plan for ways to entertain yourself in a confined space, such as plane, by downloading podcast or book etc.
#anxiety #travelanxiety #therapy #therapist #westlake #cbt
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Dec 6, 2018 | Blog
Every semester I have a student who emails me with a request to interview me about what it’s like to have a private practice. I thought I would publish my answers in hopes to help others who are considering interview this field.
1. How many hours per week are you expected to work in this field?
There is no expectation in private practice but on average therapists work 20 hours. Since I am balancing being a supervisor and seeing my own clients, I average 40 hours a week.
2. Can you describe your experience balancing life and work?
One of the benefits of being self employed is the ability set my own hours. Which makes balancing life and work easier. The hard part is to not be a ‘Therapist’ all the time. To address that issue I try to avoid discussing what I do while socializing.
3. What qualities do you need to have to be successful in this field?
Besides being passionate about psychology one needs to love marketing and networking.
4. What do you find to be the most rewarding aspects of this field?
When clients have aha moments.
5. A lot of people think that the field of psychology is an “easy” major or that you cannot find a job with a degree in psychology. What would you say to debunk this misconception and encourage a student to purse a degree in psychology?
I think the degree can be converted to a lot of other positions that require understanding of human nature. Sales, HR, and child oriented positions come to mind.
6. What advice would you give to a student who is considering studying psychology?
To drill down on what their intent in studying it is. Is it for the love of learning or to actually be employed in the field. If employment is the goal then figure out what part of psychology is of interest, it is a very broad field.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Nov 29, 2018 | Blog
What we do during time of distress helps us become stronger during adversity.
Three common approaches and examples compliments of trauma-recovery.ca
Fight
- Crying
- Hands in fists, desire to punch, rip
- Flexed/tight jaw, grinding teeth, snarl
- Fight in eyes, glaring, fight in voice
- Desire to stomp, kick, smash with legs, feet
- Feelings of anger/rage
- Knotted stomach/nausea, burning stomach
- Metaphors like bombs, volcanoes erupting
Flight
- Restless legs, feet /numbness in legs
- Anxiety/shallow breathing
- Big/darting eyes
- Leg/foot movement
- Reported or observed fidgety-ness, restlessness, feeling trapped, tense
- Sense of running in life- one activity-next
- Excessive exercise
Freeze
- Feeling stuck in some part of body
- Feeling cold/frozen, numb, pale skin
- Sense of stiffness, heaviness
- Holding breath/restricted breathing
- Sense of dread, heart pounding
- Decreased heart rate (can sometimes increase)
Recognizes which one you are and comfort yourself by acknowledging feelings and rationally look at the situation you find yourself in and then proceed with brain storming solutions.
