Pre-Marriage Therapy: Build A Lasting Foundation
Well, your wedding is one day in your life, but your marriage is all the rest of the days that come after it. No other relationship, except perhaps parenthood, even comes close in terms of the challenges and triumphs of marriage. It is the most intimate relationship created by choice that is humanly possible. In the rush, the excitement, not to mention the incredible organizational pressure of organizing your wedding, many people don’t care to think about something as mundane and as sober as pre-marriage counseling. Why rain on the parade? Why descend from cloud nine? Why try to squeeze it in, with all the other things that have to be organized? (Who needs it, anyway?) Every couple could consider and benefit from pre-marital education. If any of the following apply to you or your partner, however, it may be particularly helpful;
- Parents divorced
- Physical or verbal abuse by parents
- Cultural or religious differences
- Regular conflict over unresolved issues
- Conflict involving negative ‘put downs’
- Withdrawal and avoidance around decision making
- Unwillingness to talk about feelings
- This is the only serious relationship both partners have had
- A drug or alcohol addiction
- Unreal expectations of each other
Both couples and individuals seek financial planning to maximize their wealth; businesses value succession planning; students make plans about their career path long before they finish their education. There’s a famous saying that says, “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail”. Part of planning to succeed in marriage is taking the time to look forward, to survey the land you are going to travel across, taking note of the mountains and the valleys, the difficult crossings and the pleasant, easy places. Pre-marriage counseling will enable you to do that for your marriage. But isn’t living together a good enough preparation? The answer, unfortunately, is no. Statistics show that divorces are actually higher among people who marry after having a de facto relationship with each other. There is something about marriage that distinguishes it from simply living together–which means that pre-marriage counseling is incredibly pertinent to de facto couples. It’s a way of learning how to successfully make the transition from one kind of relationship to another. What stops people from this kind of preparation? One of the big issues is: “What if the issues raised stop us from getting married?”
Here Are Some Points To Consider in Pre-Marriage
- You may get some surprises. For example, it’s possible that, even if you have lived together, some of your partner’s attitudes to certain things that matter to the relationship (such as communication, gender roles, and children) have so far escaped your notice. Pre-marriage counseling will help you see differences that have an impact–not in order to discourage you, but in order to help you plan ways of overcoming or resolving them. Think of it as an opportunity to become creative problem-solvers and relationship builders. Marriage is an art, and you will be honing your relationship skills to a greater level than you ever have before. You will have the opportunity to understand the issues that are ‘deal-breakers’, and to discuss them, before you enter into ‘wedlock’. Do you both want children? What will you do if it turns out one of you doesn’t? What are your values when it comes to money? What kind of treatment can you live with from your partner? How will you settle disputes? Does one of you have the final say, or is every decision made by consensus?
- Yes, things may come up that give pause to one or both of you–things that may make you decide to postpone your wedding until they are resolved. Don’t be afraid to face these issues before you walk down the aisle. It is easier to work through some issues before the event than when you are married and the stakes are far higher. If you are open to considering pre-marital counseling (marriage preparation), then you are a candidate for a great marriage. Opening up your relationship to receive advice requires humility, and humility is one quality that creates success in life. Another name for humility is teachability. If you and your partner are ready to learn new things about your relationship and how to make it the best it can be, then the world is your oyster.
Pre-Marriage Exercises
Have additional questions? Take our pre-marriage exercises.
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FAQ
What is pre-marriage counseling and why does it matter before the wedding?
Pre-marital counseling is a proactive, structured therapeutic process that helps couples understand each other more deeply, identify potential areas of difficulty before they become entrenched problems, and build the communication skills and relational framework that a lasting marriage requires. Your wedding is one day. Your marriage is every day that follows — and it is the most intimate relationship created by choice that is humanly possible. Investing in the foundation before you begin building on it is not a sign that something is wrong. It is one of the most intelligent and loving things a couple can do for each other. Every couple can benefit from pre-marital counseling — and the couples who are willing to do this work before the wedding are often the ones who build the marriages that last.
What kinds of topics does pre-marriage counseling cover?
Far more than most couples expect — and often the conversations that matter most are the ones that haven’t happened yet. Pre-marital counseling explores communication styles and conflict patterns, values and expectations around money, children, gender roles, and family dynamics, cultural and religious differences that may affect the relationship, the histories each partner brings including family of origin patterns, past relationships, and any personal challenges that may affect the marriage. It also addresses the specific areas of difference or potential gridlock that exist between you — not to discourage you, but to help you become creative problem-solvers before the stakes are higher. The goal is not to surface problems. It is to build the tools to navigate whatever arises.
Is pre-marriage counseling only for couples who are having problems?
Not at all — and this is one of the most important misconceptions to address. Pre-marital counseling is not a warning sign or a crisis intervention. It is marriage preparation — the relational equivalent of financial planning, career planning, or any other thoughtful investment in a significant life commitment. Couples who are happy, connected, and confident in their relationship benefit from pre-marital counseling just as much as those navigating specific concerns. The absence of conflict right now does not mean the absence of patterns, assumptions, or unspoken expectations that will eventually surface. Pre-marital counseling brings those into the light while the couple has the freedom and flexibility to address them together, before they are bound by the full weight of marriage.
What if the counseling surfaces issues that make us question getting married — should we be afraid of that?
This is one of the most common fears couples bring to pre-marital counseling — and it deserves an honest answer. Yes, things may come up that give you pause. You may discover differences in values, expectations, or deal-breakers that neither of you had fully named or examined. And that is precisely the point. It is significantly easier to work through difficult issues before the wedding than after it — when the emotional, legal, and relational stakes are higher and the patterns are more entrenched. If pre-marital counseling helps you identify something that needs to be resolved before you walk down the aisle, that is not the counseling failing. That is the counseling working exactly as it should. A willingness to face these questions honestly is one of the strongest predictors of long-term marital success.
We have been living together for years — do we still need pre-marriage counseling?
Yes — and the research on this is both clear and somewhat counterintuitive. Statistics consistently show that divorce rates are actually higher among couples who marry after cohabiting. There is something meaningfully different about marriage that cohabitation does not prepare you for — the shift in identity, expectation, and relational contract that marriage represents is distinct from simply sharing a home. Pre-marital counseling is particularly valuable for couples in long-term de facto relationships precisely because the transition from living together to being married is a real transition — one that benefits from conscious preparation rather than the assumption that familiarity is sufficient. Understanding each other as partners in a marriage, with all that entails, is different from understanding each other as people who share a space.
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