Work smart not hard on your relationship
Should Relationships Be This Hard? Finding Balance in Love’s Labor
By Marina Edelman, LMFT – Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Westlake Village, CA
The Question That Reveals Our Deepest Relationship Anxieties
In my Westlake Village practice, where I’ve counseled countless couples from Malibu to Thousand Oaks and throughout Southern California, there’s one question I hear whispered more than any other during pre-marital counseling sessions.
When their partner steps out of the room, individuals often lean in and ask with genuine concern: “Should we be working this hard?”
This question—voiced in those vulnerable moments of private reflection—reveals profound anxieties about relationship dynamics and expectations. The frequency with which I hear it suggests that many couples struggle with understanding the appropriate level of effort a healthy relationship requires.
Perhaps a more illuminating question would be: “Is the effort worth the reward?” The distinction is subtle but profound. All meaningful relationships require work, but when that labor feels overwhelming or depleting rather than energizing and purposeful, it’s time to pause and reflect.
Recognizing When Relationship Work Becomes Too Much
In my years of providing couples counseling and marriage therapy I’ve observed that it’s tremendously difficult for couples to maintain motivation when their investment of time, emotional energy, and vulnerability doesn’t seem to yield proportionate returns.
This imbalance can lead to resentment, which corrodes even the strongest foundations of love. Many clients come to me when this erosion has already begun, seeking to understand if their relationship challenges are normal or signs of fundamental incompatibility.
The answer is rarely simple, but I’ve found that framing the question differently helps couples gain clarity: Are you working hard on your relationship because you’re building something meaningful together, or are you working hard simply to maintain a baseline of functioning that still leaves you feeling unfulfilled?
Assessing Your Relationship’s Balance Sheet
When evaluating whether your relationship’s challenges are worth facing, consider these vital questions I often explore with my clients in therapy sessions:
- Does the relationship energize you more than it depletes you? All relationships have costs, but healthy ones leave you feeling ultimately replenished rather than consistently drained. Track your energy levels after interactions with your partner over the course of several weeks—this data often reveals patterns you hadn’t consciously recognized.
- Are you growing together or merely surviving together? Difficult periods should ultimately lead to greater understanding and connection, not just relief that a conflict has temporarily subsided. Growth-oriented couples find themselves having new conversations and reaching new depths of intimacy, even after challenging experiences.
- Can you envision maintaining this level of effort for decades to come? Sustainability matters enormously in long-term commitments. In my practice working with couples facing divorce mediation and child custody disputes, I often hear the painful realization: “I knew from the beginning this level of struggle wasn’t sustainable, but I hoped it would change.”
- Is the work shared relatively equally between partners? One-sided effort rarely succeeds in the long run. In my family therapy sessions, I frequently observe how imbalanced responsibility creates patterns that eventually ripple through the entire family system.
- When conflicts arise, do you feel fundamentally respected and heard, even when disagreeing? This question, which I ask couples during relationship therapy, often reveals whether the difficulty stems from normal relationship challenges or more concerning patterns of dysfunctional communication.
The Cultural Myth of Effortless Love
Our culture often romanticizes relationships that “just work,” suggesting that finding the “right person” means everything will fall naturally into place. Working with clients experiencing anxiety disorders and depression related to relationship struggles, I’ve witnessed how this dangerous myth sets couples up for disappointment when they inevitably face challenges.
Many clients come to me believing their relationship difficulties indicate they’ve chosen the wrong partner, rather than recognizing that all relationships require skillful navigation of differences. Through evidence-based therapeutic approaches, we work together to develop more realistic expectations and practical skills.
The healthiest approach embraces a balanced perspective: relationships require meaningful investment but shouldn’t feel like an endless uphill battle. Ideally, there exists a healthy equilibrium—work diligently on your connection, but also play together with genuine joy and relaxation.
The Art of Choosing Wisely
In pre-marriage counseling sessions at my Westlake Village practice, I emphasize the importance of selecting a partner with whom you can authentically be yourself—someone who doesn’t require you to shrink or contort your personality to maintain peace. The right partner will challenge you to grow while simultaneously accepting your core essence.
This paradoxical balance—being accepted as you are while being encouraged to become your best self—characterizes truly nurturing relationships. Your partner should be both a safe harbor and a gentle wind pushing you toward new horizons.
Many clients navigating dating and engagement relationships come to me confused about whether their relationship difficulties reflect normal adjustment or fundamental incompatibility. I help them distinguish between healthy challenges that promote growth and problematic patterns that indicate misalignment of values and needs.
Identifying Your Relationship’s Perpetual Problems
In my practice supporting couples through relationship therapy, I encourage taking time to identify recurring issues that consistently create tension. Drawing from the research of relationship expert John Gottman, I help couples recognize their “perpetual problems”—challenges that arise from fundamental differences in personality, values, or needs. Research suggests approximately 69% of relationship conflicts fall into this category.
I often ask couples: “If this issue never changed, could you live with it peacefully?” Some challenges might eventually resolve, but many differences are woven into the fabric of who you both are. Accepting this reality prevents the exhaustion of fighting unwinnable battles.
For clients dealing with OCD or PTSD who may be particularly prone to getting caught in repetitive conflict patterns, learning to distinguish between solvable and perpetual problems provides tremendous relief and helps redirect energy toward more productive approaches.
The Dangerous Allure of the Renovation Project
Perhaps the most critical warning I share with couples seeking pre-marriage counseling or relationship therapy: never enter a relationship with the primary intention of changing your partner. This “renovation project” approach almost invariably leads to mutual frustration and disappointment.
As someone who regularly works with clients through life transitions and grief, I’ve witnessed the profound pain that occurs when people realize they’ve been trying to love a potential version of their partner rather than the person who stands before them.
Change in relationships should emerge organically through mutual growth and adaptation, not through pressure or manipulation. Love someone for who they are today, not for who you hope they might become tomorrow.
Daily Practices for Relationship Vitality: Lessons from Clinical Practice
Assuming you’ve determined that your relationship merits continued investment, these daily practices—which I recommend to couples throughout Malibu, Calabasas, Thousand Oaks, and beyond—can transform your connection:
1. Cultivate Curiosity
Continue learning about your partner by asking thoughtful, open-ended questions. Even after decades together, there remain undiscovered territories in your partner’s inner landscape. In couples counseling sessions, I often introduce exercises where partners ask questions like:
- “What made you feel most alive this week?”
- “What’s something you’ve been thinking about lately that we haven’t discussed?”
- “If you could change one thing about our routine, what would it be?”
- “What are you currently struggling with that I might not be fully aware of?”
- “What memory from our relationship have you been reflecting on recently?”
2. Express Genuine Admiration
Regularly share specific appreciations about your partner’s character, actions, or presence in your life. In my marriage therapy practice, I’ve observed how relationships suffering from decreased productivity and connection can be revitalized through intentional admiration.
Move beyond generic compliments to observations that demonstrate intimate knowledge:
- “I noticed how patiently you listened to our friend yesterday—that kindness is something I’ve always admired about you.”
- “The way you approached that problem showed such creativity. I learn from you every day.”
- “I felt so proud watching you stand up for your boundaries at work. Your growth in that area has been remarkable.”
- “The thoughtfulness you showed in planning our weekend revealed how deeply you understand what matters to me.”
- “Your resilience through this difficult time reminds me of why I fell in love with you.”
3. Prioritize Attentiveness
Be attuned to your partner’s bids for connection, whether verbal or nonverbal. In my work with families from Moorpark to Newbury Park dealing with communication issues, I emphasize that research suggests responding positively to these small moments of reaching out predicts relationship satisfaction more accurately than how couples handle major conflicts.
Give generously of your attention—put down your phone, make eye contact, and listen not just to respond but to understand. These micro-moments of connection compound into a sense of being truly seen and valued.
For clients dealing with anxiety disorders or depression, learning to be present for these moments of connection can be particularly healing, creating islands of security in otherwise turbulent emotional waters.
4. Practice the Generosity of Interpretation
When your partner’s intentions are unclear, choose the most generous possible interpretation. This doesn’t mean ignoring problematic patterns, but rather approaching ambiguous situations with an assumption of goodwill.
In my practice supporting clients with anger management and conflict resolution, I’ve found this practice disrupts the toxic cycle of attributing negative motivations to neutral actions, which can rapidly erode trust and goodwill in relationships.
5. Create Rituals of Connection
Develop small, meaningful rituals that ensure regular connection despite busy schedules. Working with clients from Oak Park to Camarillo navigating work-life balance challenges, I’ve seen how intentional rituals serve as relationship anchors during stressful periods.
These might include morning coffee together before the day begins, a weekly date night, or even a special way of saying goodbye each day. The content matters less than the consistency and meaning you attach to these moments.
6. Maintain Individual Vitality
Paradoxically, one of the best things you can do for your relationship is nurture your individual wellbeing and interests. In my holistic approach to relationship therapy, I emphasize that healthy relationships are composed of healthy individuals.
Pursuing personal growth, maintaining friendships, and developing your unique interests creates the psychological oxygen that allows your relationship to breathe and thrive.
The Evolution of Relationship Work: What I’ve Learned from Two Decades of Practice
Perhaps the wisest way to assess whether your relationship should feel “this hard” is to examine the trajectory. Healthy relationships don’t necessarily become easier over time, but the nature of the work evolves. What once required conscious effort gradually becomes second nature, while new challenges emerge that require fresh adaptations.
In my reproductive mental health practice, I often counsel couples navigating profound life transitions like becoming parents. These periods typically demand increased relationship work but should ultimately lead to deeper connection rather than chronic dissatisfaction.
The ultimate question isn’t whether your relationship requires work—all worthwhile connections do. The question is whether that work brings you both closer to becoming your truest, most authentic selves while deepening your capacity for intimacy, joy, and meaning.
When the labor of love feels purposeful rather than pointless, when challenges lead to growth rather than stagnation, and when both partners share equally in the effort—that’s when the hardest work becomes the most rewarding investment you’ll ever make.
Taking the Next Step Toward Relationship Wellness
If you’re questioning whether your relationship should be “this hard,” you’re not alone. Throughout Los Angeles and Santa Barbara counties, couples face similar questions and concerns. As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in comprehensive relationship care, I offer a safe space to explore these questions and develop practical strategies for deeper connection.
Whether you’re navigating pre-marriage concerns, experiencing communication breakdowns, facing major life transitions, or simply wanting to enhance an already good relationship, professional support can make a meaningful difference.
Ready to Transform Your Relationship Journey?
Contact Marina Edelman, LMFT today to schedule a consultation.
- Phone: (555) 123-4567
- Email: marina@edelmanfamilytherapy.com
- Website: www.edelmanfamilytherapy.com
- Office: 5000 Westlake Blvd, Suite 200, Westlake Village, CA 91362
Serving clients throughout Southern California, including Malibu, Calabasas, Thousand Oaks, Moorpark, Newbury Park, Simi Valley, Camarillo, Oak Park, and surrounding areas in Los Angeles and Santa Barbara counties. Telehealth options available for clients throughout California.
“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” — Anaïs Nin
FAQ
Should relationships really require this much work — and how do I know if the effort is normal or a sign something is wrong?
This is the question I hear more than almost any other in my practice — and it deserves a careful, honest answer. All meaningful relationships require work. The cultural myth of effortless love — the idea that finding the right person means everything falls naturally into place — sets couples up for unnecessary doubt and disappointment when they inevitably face challenges. The more illuminating question is not whether your relationship requires effort, but whether that effort feels purposeful or depleting. Are you working hard because you are building something meaningful together — growing, deepening, learning each other more fully? Or are you working hard simply to maintain a baseline of functioning that still leaves you feeling chronically unfulfilled? The nature of the work matters as much as its intensity. When effort produces growth, connection, and a felt sense of forward movement, it is the normal and healthy labor of love. When it consistently produces exhaustion, resentment, and the quiet sense that nothing ever changes — that is the signal worth taking seriously.
What are "perpetual problems" in a relationship — and how do couples learn to live with them without resentment?
Perpetual problems are the recurring conflicts that arise not from misunderstandings or solvable logistical differences, but from fundamental differences in personality, values, needs, or ways of moving through the world that are woven into the fabric of who each person is. Research from the Gottman Institute suggests that approximately 69% of relationship conflicts fall into this category — meaning the majority of what couples argue about is not actually resolvable in the conventional sense. The goal with perpetual problems is not resolution but dialogue and acceptance — developing the ability to discuss the difference with curiosity and humor rather than gridlock and contempt, and ultimately asking: if this never fully changed, could I live with it peacefully? The couples who struggle most with perpetual problems are those who keep fighting them as though they are solvable, depleting enormous relational energy in battles that cannot be won. Accepting the reality of perpetual problems is not giving up. It is redirecting energy toward the connection that makes those differences livable.
How do you distinguish between a relationship that is worth fighting for and one that has fundamental incompatibility?
This is one of the most consequential questions I help clients navigate — and it rarely has a simple answer. Some indicators that a relationship is worth continued investment include: both partners are genuinely committed to growth, the effort produces movement rather than stagnation, there is a foundation of mutual respect even in conflict, and the challenges stem from solvable patterns or perpetual differences that can be accepted rather than from fundamental misalignment of core values and needs. Fundamental incompatibility tends to look different — a chronic sense of having to shrink or contort your core self to maintain peace, values that are genuinely irreconcilable around children, money, or life direction, or patterns of contempt and disrespect that have proven resistant to genuine intervention. The most important clinical distinction I make with clients is between difficulty and dysfunction — difficulty is the normal friction of two different people building a life together, and it responds to skill-building and effort. Dysfunction is a pattern that consistently produces harm regardless of the effort invested, and it requires a different kind of honest reckoning.
What are the most impactful daily practices for maintaining a healthy relationship — and which ones make the biggest difference?
In my clinical experience, the practices that produce the most consistent and meaningful impact are almost always the smallest and most ordinary — which is both their power and the reason they are so easy to neglect. Responding generously to your partner’s bids for connection — the small, often nonverbal moments of reaching out for attention, affirmation, or engagement — predicts relationship satisfaction more accurately than how couples handle major conflicts. Expressing specific, observed admiration rather than generic appreciation. Maintaining genuine curiosity about your partner’s evolving inner life rather than assuming you already know everything about them. Practicing the most generous available interpretation of ambiguous behavior rather than defaulting to negative attribution. And protecting the small rituals of connection — the morning coffee, the way you greet each other, the check-in at the end of the day — that serve as the relationship’s anchor through the inevitable turbulence of a full life. None of these require significant time or planning. All of them require deliberate, consistent attention — and that attention, offered daily, is the single most powerful investment a couple can make.
When should a couple seek professional help — and is seeking therapy a sign that the relationship is failing?
Seeking therapy is not a sign that a relationship is failing. It is a sign that the relationship matters enough to invest in seriously — and in my clinical experience, the couples who come in earliest, before patterns have become entrenched and resentment has accumulated, are the ones who achieve the most meaningful and lasting change. The answer to when to seek help is almost always sooner than feels necessary. If you are questioning whether the effort is worth it, if the same conflicts keep recurring without resolution, if emotional or physical distance has grown in ways that feel difficult to reverse, or if one or both partners has begun to feel more like adversaries than teammates — those are the signals worth acting on rather than waiting to see if they resolve on their own. Research shows that couples wait an average of six years after problems begin before seeking professional support. Six years is a long time for patterns to calcify. Therapy is not a last resort. It is one of the most proactive and loving investments a couple can make in the future they are trying to build together.
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