by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Sep 25, 2018 | Blog
Autophobia is the fear of being alone. Some people become so consumed with never being alone that they lose themselves in trying to please others or accepting invitations to just not be alone. What is so scary about being alone? Loneliness can bring about depression but being alone, even for extroverts, can be calming and refreshing. Try running errands, going to lunch, or staying home on Saturday night all by yourself and pay attention to how you feel. It’s not so scary and you might actually enjoy it.
#alone #depression #fear #anxiety #therapy
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Aug 20, 2018 | Blog
SOMETIMES TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE THERAPY ISN’T THE ANSWER
For many couples, the idea of weekly marriage therapy feels too intense. Oftentimes, both spouses are secretly looking for a judge who will tell them who is right. The effectiveness of any couples therapy is dependent upon each spouse’s willingness to focus on themselves and admit they need to modify or alter their behavior or belief system. Doing this in the presence of their partner can trigger feelings of shame and guilt. They might not know what they are experiencing but facing an ugly truth and agreeing in front of a stranger that they need to change is daunting.
To address this fear and help high conflict couples who are triggered by one another, I suggest to keep ‘relationship’ as my client but see each partner individually for a period of time. By helping de-position each spouse and address individual issues they can come back together ready to accept each other’s influence.
Common Issues that require individual couples work:
- Affair Recovery
- Chronic conflict
- Substance Abuse
- Intimacy Issues
- Career Problems
- Life transitions
- Extended Families
- Mood Disorders – anxiety, depression, anger
Confidentiality is discussed and steps are taken to make sure that “secrets” emerging from individual sessions do not obstruct the relationship. I abide by the Open Secrets Policy and help each party understand that in due time important elements need to be shared but not everything. I find that this approach creates safety and structure that nurtures openness and transparency. Since the goal is to help the couple, I help the individual work through each situation in a judgement free way to be available to hear their partner and re-engage in the marriage.
I use the Gottman Model in working with couples. I initially meet with the couple to gather history, assess goals, and identify any areas of current difficulty. I then invite both parties to individually complete the online Gottman couples assessment*. Upon completion I meet with each partner individually to gather personal history and assess individual struggles. Finally, we come together to review their strengths and weaknesses.
At times I refer out for individual work. If one is struggling with their career and that stress is brought home then maybe working with an executive coach is important. Substance use/abuse can get in the way of connecting and therefore a referral to AA or drug counselor is important.
I am a pro-marriage therapist and believe all options need to be exhausted prior to calling an end to a marriage. Sometimes that means being creative or unconventional. In the end if both individuals are fulfilled and committed to one another then the hard work was worth it. Shame and individual struggles shouldn’t get in the way of keeping your relationship in tact. Feel free to contact me for couples work at 818.851.1293
*The Gottman Couples Assessment accurately evaluates relationship trouble spots as well as strengths, and provides personalized tools to create effective interventions. This assessment is geared towards all stages of relationships, whether new relationship, premarital, or marital. The Gottman Couples Assessment is 480 questions in 5 unique sections.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Mar 1, 2017 | Blog, couples, Uncategorized
How To Protect Your Relationship From Affairs
Many marriages end up in divorce when a couple is caught having affairs. Security and trust are easily destroyed. Thankfully, couples who decide to stay and go through counseling regain that sense of security and trust again. To protect your marriage or relationship and have a happy one, you need to make it affair-proof.
How to affair-proof your relationship:
1. Talk About Fidelity and What it Means to you
Ensure that you talk to your partner about fidelity, how important it is to you, and how it would affect you and the marriage if there is ever a betrayal. Your partner might not know how important it is to you or what your reactions towards it might be. It is more difficult to cheat when there is a continuous discussion about faithfulness and your feelings towards it.
2. Keep your Sex Life Active and Exciting
Feeling neglected, tolerated or unwanted can be a big push into someone else’s bed. Don’t allow your sex life to sink gradually and feel there won’t be any consequence. Show your partner that you desire him/her by accepting advances and being playful.
3. Ensure That your Relationship is Intimate
Sometimes, affairs happen because someone is feeling disconnected or angry. Use that passion to turn towards your partner instead of away by sharing intimate thoughts and feelings.
4. Keep Things Romantic
Don’t let your partners daydream about a candlelight dinner or a trip to Paris with someone else because they know you won’t do it. Say sweet things like “I love you,” “I miss you,” “I am so fortunate because I have you.” Yes! All these mushy things don’t go out of style.
5. Spend Time Together
When couples stay with each other for a long time, they tend to get too busy and have little time for each other. Spending too much time with friends instead of your spouse can make it easy for someone else to step in. If you feel the connection between you and your spouse is wearing off, it is time to change things quickly.
6. Stay Away From Temptation
You are always going to meet someone more attractive than your spouse; it may be a neighbor, co-worker, high school sweetheart. Avoid that person or any comprising situation that might lead you into temptation.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Feb 16, 2017 | Blog, couples, Uncategorized
How To Rekindle The Flame In Your Relationship
When couples get used to each other, relationships tend to be boring and tiring. Spouses go through so many challenges and at times romance is placed on the back burner. Staying close to each and having a happy marriage depends on the willingness of both partners. Rather than feeling confined to the typical habits and mainstream practices, you can seek ways to keep the relationship alive through new experiences, romantic gestures, and couples counseling.
Here are few ways to keep things fresh and alive in a relationship
Communicate
A fulfilling marriage and relationship requires a couple to communicate effectively to avoid misunderstandings. For a long term relationship to be successful, you must learn to listen to your spouse attune to what he/she is thinking and feeling. Make your spouse feel comfortable talking to you and respect their opinions. In a relationship, you will not always agree but make sure you do not lower your spouse’s esteem by dismissing their opinions or judging them.
Spend time together
Nothing feels better then having fun together as a couple. Going on a date will help you discuss things in a more emotional way and equally show how much you care. Spontaneously hit the road without a destination mind. Create time for each other away from the kids to enable you to connect without distractions. Throw a surprise party for your significant other once in a while to make them feel special. Find time to just be playful and carefree to connect in a more passionate way.
Appreciate each other
Make your spouse feel appreciated, tell her how beautiful she is and remind them that you still love about them. Buying gifts to thank your spouse for being the best will make the relationship feel fresh and alive. Pay attention to what your spouse likes and dislikes and use this knowledge to show him how much you care. Appreciating your spouse for being successful is a special way of motivating them to work harder.
Seek counseling
Marriage counseling will empower you both with better skills to understand each other and therefore build a stronger relationship. Attending marriage therapy will help you manage anger during arguments. Couples counseling also helps you understand each others differences to avoid numerous fight. Through therapy you will both learn each others love language, gain tools to communicate better, and resolve gridlock conflict.
Connect physically
It is essential to maintain a healthy sexual relationship with your spouse. Flirt with your loved one so that they know you are still interested in them. Consider starting foreplay in the morning and continue throughout the day. A healthy sexual life will lead to a strong bond in other areas. Respecting the desires of your partner and being romantic will keep you together. Be open to trying new things.
Rekindling the flame is not that hard, it just takes desire, effort, and time.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Oct 27, 2016 | Uncategorized
Love is something that is supposed to grow with time if you foster and care for it in the right way. Even though passion can easily fade, it is supposed to be love that becomes stronger with time. If you are in a marriage that leaves you feeling miserable, you may be one of many feeling trapped in a Loveless Marriage. A loveless marriage is one that is only a matter of convenience and is not one that is filled with admiration, care and love. Staying in a loveless marriage is not the right choice, you need to identify what a loveless marriage looks like and implement ways to change it.
Here are the tips to follow when you determine that you are in a Loveless Marriage:
Divorce is Not the Automatic Solution
Many people assume that when they are trapped in a loveless marriage that the only real answer is to get a divorce. However, it is important to note that a divorce is not an easy fix. This is not something that will magically make you happy again. You need to view divorce as a last resort and the option that you choose when all else fails. This means that divorce should not be the only thing that is on your mind when you are dealing with a loveless marriage.
Make an Effort
The most important thing that you can do when you know that you are dealing with a loveless marriage is to make a real effort. This means that you need to try and bring back feelings that enticed you to choose your spouse to begin with. Those feelings might be buried deep down. This means that you should be able to rekindle the love that was once there. Schedule date nights, add humor to everyday chores, and complement each other. Reevaluate after a month and see if your feelings are improving.
Look Within
You also need to make sure that you do not make the mistake of blaming your loss of love on your partner only. You need to take your fair share of the responsibility. This is the only way that you will be able to have a marriage that is filled with long lasting love. There are most likely things that you are doing that have contributed over time to the lack of love. You need to be willing to find out what these things are and make real changes. Consider how critical or judgmental you are when your partner makes a mistake. Do you accept his/her influence and attempts at repair after an argument?
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Aug 5, 2015 | Blog
[heading animation=”” color=”” type=”1″ align=”left”]Are you being fake or trying to modify your behavior[/heading]
The Atlantic recently tweeted about Drake, Taylor Swift, and why it pays to be fake . The article focuses on being a celebrity but the concept is worth examining. Acting “as if” is a common therapeutic intervention used to modify behavior. The intervention is simple, we can create new circumstances by acting “as if” they already exist; for example, we can be confident by acting as if we are confident. It sounds very simple and magical, however practiced in conjunction with other cognitive behavioral tools it can be very effective. This principal is useful to couples who want to create relationship 2.0 or individuals who are ready to replace their non-effective coping tools.
Acting “as-if” is a powerful tool if used properly. Here is DIY list:
- Identify what you want to change
- Determine what actions, thoughts, and feelings are related to your change
- Pretend to be the person who already has what you want is what you want to be. For example, what would a person who is happy be doing? How would she think and feel?
Fake it till you make is an old concept. Think about it, since it’s been around for so long maybe there is some legitimacy to it. You have nothing to lose but old habits!
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Jul 31, 2015 | Blog
[heading animation=”” color=”” type=”1″ align=”left”]Work smart not hard on your relationship[/heading]
Very often during pre-marital counseling couples will ask me, individually, “Should we be working this hard?”. Maybe a better question “is the effort worth the reward?”. It’s hard to stay motivated if your efforts are not paying of. Weigh the pros and cons and decide of it is worth while investing time into your relationship. Ideally there should be a balance just like with anything else – work hard and play hard. Pick a partner with whom you like yourself and who challenges you but in a respectful kind way. Identify problems that you seem gridlocked in and think about how it would be to live with them permanently. They might get resolved but don’t commit to a relationship thinking you will change your partner.
Assuming you agreed to work on your relationship here are smart daily exercises to get you started:
- Continue to learn about your partner by engaging in deeper open ended questions.
- Openly share your admiration of your loved one in the form of compliments or vulnerable observations.
- Attune to your significant others need for attention and give generously
- When your partners intentions are unclear assume they are positive.
