by Marina Edelman, LMFT | May 2, 2021 | couples, marriage
Communicate, Communicate some more, And Now Again!
I never meet couples in my practice who over communicate. Instead I meet couples who make wrong assumptions about one another, stonewall and say things like “what’s the point” or “nothing I say matters”, fight to win.
Sounds like you? It’s o.k. and even beneficial for your relationship to fight as long as it’s done with intention to gain closeness or increase understanding. Unfortunately couples get lost in the power struggle that is created. How it comes about no-one knows but they know they are in the middle of it. It feels like a cob web, you don’t see it as you are walking through the forest but you sure know you walked right into it. Getting out of the web or power struggle is a struggle on its own. You promise yourself to not repeat a mistake but nevertheless find ourself battling for control. Who started it – anyone’s guess. Who ends it – either one can.
There is a theory, not sure who to attribute it too, that we enter into a committed relationship with someone who inadvertently picks on our wounds. They don’t mean to do it but they do it. Ever point out a bruise to your significant other just to have them push on it? They are trying to confirm the visual and accidentally do it too hard. From a relationship stand point, let’s say Partner A feels anxious if a fight is not immediately repaired and they marry Partner B who needs time to process. When Partner B asks for time they are not trying to punish or reject Partner A and yet that is exactly how it feels. So who should sacrifice their needs?
Maybe no one needs too. A great tool is for both partners to validate their needs in an exaggerated way. So in this instance Partner A would say “I know you need time to process and despite my fear of being apart during this time I will wait for you”. Partner B should validate and offer up something to comfort Partner A “I appreciate you acknowledging my need, let’s talk in 2 hours”. At this point it is vital for Partner B to stick to that promise. In absence of following through on this commitment betrayal and mistrust will start to grow.
The example above sounds very forced and formal. This is not how you will continue to speak but sometimes when learning a new skill exaggeration helps. Remember when you started to drive and you were very mechanical in checking rear view mirror and then paying attention to the road and then checking side mirrors and so on. Think of retraining yourself as learning to drive. Yes it is mechanical but the results are worth it. Slowly natural patterns will set in and trust and attunement will be second nature.
Try these communication tools:
- Speak with good intention
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- Is your intention to win an argument or be understood
- Validate what your spouse just said even if you disagree.
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- Validation is not an apology or an agreement, simply restate what your partner said
- Speak slowly and for short period of time
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- Your partner can’t process or remember a monologue
- Use ‘I Statements’
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- I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to not accuse but merely share a feeling
- Stay on topic
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- The flood gates have opened up and you are finally talking but practice self restraint and stay focused on one topic until a resolution has been reached
In my subsequent blogs I will share the second part of healthy communication practices. For now see if you can incorporate these 5 into your relationship. These tips are beneficial not just for romantic partners but for platonic and professional relationships as well.
Please visit www.new.truemecounseling.com to learn more about me or follow me on Instagram @marina.on.marriage. Feel free to leave comments or ask follow up questions. Happy Coupling!
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“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart.”
—Helen Keller
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Aug 8, 2019 | affair, couples, divorce, marriage
Women cheat and have affairs. They do. Even though it’s not as talked about as men, and in some ways, a lot more unacceptable in society, women do cheat. Why? Usually when women have their eyes set on their guy, it’s forever. She will stick by her man through thick and thin. So what would make a woman turn her back on her life with her current partner, and stray?
Below are various reasons why this would happen
- Women sometimes feel underappreciated, neglected, or ignored. Inadvertently, they feel more like a housekeeper, or nanny, than a wife or girlfriend. So they seek validation of their true selves outside of their current relationship. They want to be valued not for their casseroles, but for being women.
- They crave intimacy. Women tend to feel a connection to their significant other through other ways that does not involve sex. Situations that involve talking, having fun together, building a home and social life together usually make up their definition of intimacy. So when they don’t have this, they feel disconnected.
- She is not fulfilled by her current situation and feels overwhelmed and stressed. Studies have shown that even though some women were in very healthy, loving relationships, life’s stressors triggered a need to stray outside of their marriage.
- Loneliness can lead to affairs. Women can experience loneliness in a relationship for any number of reasons. Maybe their spouse works long hours or travels for business on a regular basis, or maybe their spouse is emotionally unavailable. When this happens, women will try to fill the void elsewhere.
- Unrealistic expectations. They expect their significant other to meet their every need 24/7, 365 days a year, and when that doesn’t happen, they seek attention elsewhere. They want it all, they need it all. All the attention, all the time. This is probably feeding into some kind of insecurity issue – or codependency issue that they may have.
- Childhood or early adulthood abuse. Sometimes women who experienced profound early-life (or adult) trauma, especially sexual trauma, will re-enact that trauma as a way of trying to master or control it.
- They’re not having enough satisfying sex at home. Not only men enjoy sex, this is a common misconception. Women also enjoy sex, and will seek it elsewhere if it’s not being given at home. Sex should be fun, and common, in a relationship. It’s a deep intimacy that allows partners to fully explore and connect to each other.
Women stray too. That’s a fact. When the needs of woman is not met, she will also find them elsewhere. At the end of the day, we are all human. Men, women, all humans. And we need to feel that love and connection, that desire, with our partner. We need to feel like they are all in, as we all should be. GIving love, support, and helping each other grow. Without the connection between two people, the relationship is sort of stagnant, and not growing. When a relationship grows stagnant, it becomes suffocating. Which will develop a need for a person to want to seek other means of love and connection elsewhere.
There is a way to affair proof your relationship. If you are considering betraying your partner, see a therapist first. Therapy can help you understand what is driving your unhappiness and come up with ways to talk to your partner about lack of fulfillment. Some things cannot be undone – an affair is one of them. Managing your impulses will help you not feel guilt and shame in the long run.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Jun 4, 2019 | Blog
Let’s talk about adult attachment!
Similar to the way that we attach to our primary caregivers as infants, there are four attachment styles that we may exhibit in our adult romantic relationships or in our adult friendships – secure, preoccupied, avoidant, and fearful.
These four styles lie on a spectrum characterized by low or high avoidance, and low or high anxiety. The amount of anxiety you feel and the amount of avoidance you partake in determine your attachment style. With a secure attachment, there is low anxiety and low avoidance; you feel close to your partner, you’re able to talk about difficult topics without negative emotions and without needing to leave, and have a consistent outlook on the relationship. In contrast, an avoidant attachment style is characterized by low anxiety and high avoidance; you may avoid any serious topic of conversation, and when you find yourself in a serious situation or feeling high levels of emotions, you may need to physically and emotionally detach from your partner, sometimes without warning and for a long period of time.
As a couples therapist, it’s important for me to help my clients identify their adult attachment styles and to find ways to work towards a secure attachment. Attachment style isn’t permanent – we have the capacity to change it!
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Dec 10, 2018 | Blog
Holiday season is one of the busiest times to travel. Whether you are visiting family or going on vacation pre-trip anxiety can affect event the healthiest of us.
Common Reasons:
- Taking time off work
- Boarding Pets
- Scheduling transportation and accommodations
- Fear of getting sick
- Spending time with family in a confined space
- Going over budget
- Reservations being canceled
- Adverse weather conditions
- Forgetting to pack something important
Steps to take:
- Remind yourself of why you are traveling
- Visualize arriving at the destination
- Create lists – packing, spending, activities, gifts
- Bounce ideas of someone else
- Set a budget with a 10% buffer
- Remember anything you forget can be purchased at your destination or you can temporarily live without out (medicine is probably an exception)
- Check in with ourself if anxiety is what you are feeling. Excitement is sometimes confused with anxiety.
- Analyze each scary thought you have and figure out how you would handle it. For example what would you do if you missed your plane.
- Eat super foods leading up to your travels
- Plan for ways to entertain yourself in a confined space, such as plane, by downloading podcast or book etc.
#anxiety #travelanxiety #therapy #therapist #westlake #cbt
