These patterns are often minimized because they do not appear overtly harmful. Yet they are highly predictive of long-term relational dissatisfaction.

Marina Edelman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the founder of TrueMe® Counseling, a couples and relationship therapy practice serving clients in Westlake Village, Thousand Oaks, and throughout California.

Marina specializes in couples therapy, affair recovery, and relationship repair, drawing on a carefully integrated set of evidence-based approaches:

• Gottman Method — Research-based tools for reducing conflict and building friendship and intimacy
• Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) — Healing attachment injuries and rebuilding emotional safety
• Attachment-Based Therapy — Understanding how early relational patterns shape adult love
• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) — Identifying and shifting the thought patterns that fuel disconnection
• AEDP — Processing deep emotional wounds with compassion and precision

Her counseling is best suited for couples and individuals seeking structured, research-backed support for relationship repair, affair recovery, anxiety, communication challenges, and premarital or marriage counseling — in person or via telehealth across California.

These therapists see clients in Culver City, and Westlake Village Office as well as virtually all throughout California.

Explore answers to frequently asked questions about the benefits and processes of couples therapy.

Loneliness in relationships is not a sign that something is irreparably broken. It is a signal that connection has been disrupted—and that repair is possible.

If your relationship feels emotionally distant, therapy can help you understand why—and guide you in rebuilding connection.

Learn more or schedule a consultation at MarinaEdelman.com

When Family Financial Dynamics Become Toxic: A Therapist’s Perspective

As a Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in financial therapy, I’ve witnessed how money can become the battleground where family dysfunction plays out most visibly. Recently, I worked with a client navigating an extraordinarily complex family financial crisis that illuminated something crucial: sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is accept that someone has resigned from their role in your life.

The Resignation Framework

In one particularly powerful session, I introduced a concept that seemed to resonate deeply: viewing a parent’s behavior not as abandonment or betrayal, but as a resignation. Just as someone might quit a job, a parent can effectively resign from their parental role through their actions and choices.

This reframing isn’t about excusing harmful behavior. It’s about creating psychological distance that allows you to stop fighting against a reality you cannot change.

When my client expressed ongoing rage at her mother’s favoritism and financial manipulation, I suggested: “She’s resigned. She’s quit the job of being your mom.”

The beauty of this framework is that it allows you to:

• Stop seeking validation or fairness from someone who cannot provide it
• Release yourself from expectations that will never be met
• Accept the relationship for what it actually is, not what you wish it would be

The Psychology of Money Relationships

One of the most fascinating aspects of financial therapy is recognizing that people have fundamentally different relationships with money—and these differences aren’t always pathological.

Some people operate on what I call a “negotiation-as-lifestyle” approach. They:

• Strategically delay payments to negotiate better terms
• View financial maneuvering as a skill to be proud of
• Experience genuine joy from “winning” financial negotiations
• See paying full price or on time as foolish when alternatives exist

For someone who values financial security and straightforward dealings, this approach can feel morally wrong, even abusive. But understanding that it’s a different psychological framework—not necessarily a mental illness—can help you navigate family dynamics more effectively.

The Comparison Trap

My client struggled intensely with the belief that her lifestyle choices were objectively “better” or “healthier” than her brother’s. She couldn’t understand how living on the financial edge could be anything but destructive.

Here’s what I’ve learned through years of financial therapy: what creates stress for you might not create stress for someone else.

The healthiest financial lifestyle is the one that causes you the least amount of stress while aligning with your values. For some, that’s having a substantial cushion and paying bills early. For others, it’s constant negotiation and strategic risk-taking.

The problem arises when these different approaches collide within a family system—especially when money is commingled or inheritances are involved.

Compartmentalization as a Survival Tool

When you can’t cut family members out entirely but recognize fundamental incompatibilities, compartmentalization becomes essential. Think of it like a prenuptial agreement in marriage: you can love someone while also protecting yourself legally and financially.

I advised my client to:

1. Separate the familial relationship from the business/financial component – Your brother can be your brother in one context and a poor financial partner in another
2. Stop being the family spokesperson or rescuer – Each adult sibling must navigate their own relationship with parents
3. Focus on what’s within your control – Pursue legal remedies for money owed, but release responsibility for others’ choices

When Narcissistic Systems Meet Money

Family systems with narcissistic dynamics often use money as a control mechanism. The patterns include:

• Creating dependence through strategic financial support
• Playing favorites to maintain power
• Using money to punish independence
• Gaslighting about financial facts and history

In these systems, the “scapegoat” child—often the most independent one—faces unique challenges. They’re simultaneously criticized for not helping enough and excluded from family decision-making.

The Hardest Skill: Doing Nothing

At the end of our session, my client asked: “So I just do nothing?”

Yes. And it’s incredibly difficult.

“Doing nothing” doesn’t mean passivity. It means:

• Not expending emotional energy trying to change people who won’t change
• Not inserting yourself as mediator in sibling conflicts
• Not seeking justice or fairness from a system designed to be unfair
• Pursuing your legal and financial interests while releasing the emotional hooks

Moving Forward

If you’re in a similar situation, ask yourself:

• Am I trying to force someone to be a parent/sibling/family member they’ve shown me they cannot be?
• Am I confusing different relationships with money as moral failings rather than different approaches?
• Can I separate the business/financial aspects of family from the relational aspects?
• What am I actually trying to control that isn’t within my control?

The goal isn’t to become callous or cut off all feeling. It’s to develop what I call informed detachment—understanding the psychology at play while protecting your own wellbeing.

Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for yourself is accept someone’s resignation and stop showing up for a job they’ve already quit.

Marina Edelman, MFT, specializes in financial therapy, helping individuals and couples navigate the complex intersection of money, family, and emotional wellbeing. Her work has been featured in The Wall Street Journal and The Lilly.

Connect with me: @marina.on.marriage

As a Gottman-trained therapist, I often work with couples navigating the complex intersection of love languages, life stage differences, and financial expectations. One of the most challenging conversations partners face is aligning their values around money, gifts, and support—especially when those values differ significantly.

It’s Not About You: Understanding Love Languages

One of the most powerful shifts in relationship therapy happens when we move from “this isn’t how I do things” to “this is what my partner needs.” As I often remind clients: this isn’t about you—it’s about understanding who your partner is.

The Gottman Method teaches us that successful relationships require understanding and speaking your partner’s love language, even when it’s not your native tongue. For some people, gifts are a primary love language. For others, it’s quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, or physical touch.

The key insight? You don’t have to share the same love language to love someone well. In fact, the most meaningful acts of love often come from giving what they need, not what you would want.

Relationship Stages Matter

Here’s a truth many people resist: the level of financial support and gift-giving should match the stage of your relationship.

Think about it this way:

• The gift you give at a 1st anniversary is different from a 10th anniversary

• The support you provide when dating is different from when you’re married

• The commitment you make at 6 months differs from 6 years

This isn’t about being transactional—it’s about being intentional and appropriately boundaried. Just as you wouldn’t give the same level of emotional intimacy to someone you just met versus your spouse, financial support naturally scales with commitment level.

When Values Collide: Materialism vs. Minimalism

What happens when one partner values material expressions of love and the other doesn’t? This is where many relationships hit a wall.

The challenge: One partner may feel like the relationship is transactional or imbalanced, while the other feels unloved or unsupported.

The solution: Direct, compassionate communication about expectations and boundaries.

Setting Healthy Financial Boundaries

If you’re struggling with financial expectations in your relationship, consider this framework:

“What you’re asking for is not unreasonable, but I feel comfortable providing that when we’re at a different stage in our relationship.”

This statement accomplishes several things:

• Validates your partner’s needs

• Sets a clear boundary without judgment

• Points to the future, keeping hope alive

• Matches support to commitment level

The Subsidy vs. Gift Distinction

One of my clients recently said something profound: “It doesn’t feel like a gift—it feels like a subsidy.”

This is the heart of the matter. When gift-giving feels obligatory, transactional, or like you’re funding a lifestyle rather than expressing love, resentment builds quickly.

Signs you might be subsidizing rather than gifting:

• Gifts are expected and specified, not spontaneous

• There’s negotiation around what “counts” as enough

• You feel more like an ATM than a partner

• Reciprocity feels absent or imbalanced

Age and Stage: The Reality Check

Let’s be honest about age-gap relationships. Research shows that younger partners dating significantly older partners often (though not always) value financial stability as part of the attraction. This doesn’t make anyone a “gold digger”—it’s simply one factor among many.

Both can be true:

• Your partner genuinely cares about you AND

• They need/want financial support you can provide

The question isn’t whether this dynamic exists—it’s whether you’re comfortable with it and whether the relationship has enough other dimensions to sustain it.

Quality Time vs. Quality Things

For many people, the real currency of love isn’t cash—it’s companionship. If you’re someone who values quality time, acts of service, and emotional presence, being with a partner who primarily speaks the gift-giving language can feel deeply lonely.

Ask yourself:

• Do you have enough quality time together?

• Does your partner show up for you emotionally?

• Is there reciprocity in effort and care?

• Do you feel seen beyond what you can provide?

If the answer is consistently “no,” no amount of aligned expectations around gifts will fix the fundamental incompatibility.

Moving Forward: The Conversation Template

If you need to have this conversation with your partner, here’s a framework:

**”I want to talk about expectations in our relationship. What you’re asking for isn’t unreasonable, and I understand that gifts are important to you. I feel comfortable providing support at [specific amount/level] given where we are now—six months in, not living together, still building our foundation.

I want to be generous and thoughtful, but I also need to make sure we’re building something that feels balanced and mutual. Can we talk about what that looks like for both of us?”**

The Bottom Line

Relationships require us to love people as they are, not as we wish they’d be. But we also deserve to be loved in ways that feel good to us. The art of partnership is finding that overlap—or recognizing when the gap is too wide to bridge.

Sometimes love isn’t enough if the fundamental values around money, time, and reciprocity don’t align. And that’s okay. It doesn’t make anyone wrong—just incompatible.

If you’re struggling with financial boundaries, love language differences, or relationship stage confusion, couples therapy can provide a neutral space to navigate these complex conversations. As a Gottman-trained therapist, I help partners build understanding, set healthy boundaries, and decide if they’re truly compatible for the long haul.

Marina Edelman, LMFT
Gottman-Trained Couples Therapist
new.truemecounseling.com

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