by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Apr 15, 2015 | Blog
Last couple of years were dominated by Hunger Games novels and movie. The first book opens with children being selected to fight till the end. The anxiety the characters feel during the selection process is extremely intense and all to familiar. According the National Institute of Mental Health, Anxiety disorders (including panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and phobias) affect approximately 40 million American adults ages 18 and older, or about 18.1 percent of people in this age group in a given year, have an anxiety disorder. These are stagerring numbers. We are not playing Hunger Games but Anxiety Games.
Although I use a cognitive and behavioral approach to resolve anxiety, stress, depression, and sleep disorders, which often come with anxiety, my approach is more in-depth than that commonly used by other therapists. Generally cognitive and behavioral concepts may be helpful for some, however I find that they are too superficial, and therefore don’t get to the core reasons that trigger these disorders.
To bring about meaningful and lasting change, I have expanded on CBT to address core underlying factors associated with anxiety. Once these core factors are identified, I provide insight and strategies to help you work through them right away.
Having experienced anxiety in the past myself, I quickly atune to clients needs and assist in bring about awareness of core issues by using a variety of techniques but specifically peeling layers of an onion. In therapy you will also learn about the two types of nervous systems in your body and how to control them. Many clients come to me after having tried other therapists and self-help. They often report my direct approach helped them learn more in the first few sessions with me than they have working with their original therapists for years.
Common self help treatments include, but not limited to:
Eliminate Caffein
Increase exercise
Meditation/yoga
Get enough sleep
Thinking happy thoughts
Do not compare yourself to others
Practice deep breathing
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Apr 15, 2015 | Blog
One of the crucial differences between guilt and remorse is that while guilt can lead to self destructive tendencies, remorse usually materializes constructive action.
Guilt is a useless emotion that reinforces self punishment or sabotage and often leads to shame. Please visit http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html to listen to a great talk on shame.
Top 6 things we all feel guilt over:
1.Balancing life by doing things for ourselves
2.Relaxing and doing nothing
3.Spending too much money
4.Breaking resolution to exercise and eat healthy
5.Not taking better care of others (children, parents, spouse, etc.)
6.Receiving praise we feel is undeserved
We can all relate to one of the items listed above now let’s begin eliminating guilt.
– Begin examining what is causing guilt and re-frame the emotion as remorse. Remorse comes from a sense of awareness and taking full responsibility for ones actions.
– Once awareness is achieved decide if your action deserves scrutiny or was it justified and acceptable. If acceptable, as in the case of skipping the gym, then use the process of visualization and let go of the negative emotion. If upon review you believe that a different course was in order then make a mental note of it for the future.
It seems easy but because we have been raised with guilt and then accepted it as a fitting emotion we struggle with releasing guilt from our lives. We use guilt to avoid people being mad at us or letting someone down. We erroneously believe “if I feel guilty and demonstrate my shame, then the other person will not be so upset or disappointed”. In reality taking this weaker stance does the opposite in the long run. What our partner, boss, children really want to hear is us take ownership of a situation and resolve to have a different outcome.
Next time you catch yourself feeling guilty try to take a new fresh approach and feel remorse. Since definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting different result – try something new.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Apr 15, 2015 | Blog
Sometimes (let’s admit it – most of the time) our partner does something that we take issue with. Very often I hear the following behavior being addressed in couples counseling:
– “He always has the last word”
– “She manages my time with ‘honey do list’”
– “My wife is a nag”
– “My husband never hears what I have to say”
– “My girlfriend criticizes how I act, look, eat, etc.”
– “My boyfriend walks on eggshells around me and tries too hard to please me”
Natural reaction is to either ignore the behavior until one can’t stand it any longer and an explosion occurs or talk about it head on which usually causes the other person to become defensive. There is another option…TOMATO.
Choose a moment with your significant other when both of you are in a good place and are open to hearing one another. Make an “I statement” about a behaviour that you take issue with. For example, “I feel shut down when arguing if you insist on having the last word”. Your partner will be more receptive to hear you out and be open to coming up with solutions. This is when you ask if your partner is open to you bringing his/her awareness to the situation when you feel shut down. Come up with a secret odd word (tomato) that can be used at these moments. This will add humor and diffuse the situation while still bringing his/her attention to the matter.
Try this option next time you feel frustrated with your partner and see if calling out tomato will garner better results. This soft subtle approach will make you both feel like you’re part of one team as a opposed to adversarial opponents. Have fun coming up with your secret word.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Apr 15, 2015 | Blog
Momentum plays a large part in life. When negative things happen in your life, it seems that everything else starts to go wrong as well. However, when you begin your day on a positive foot, the rest of the day feels positive. Similar thoughts attract each other and gain power and momentum the more you think of them. What manifests is the direct reflection of what you have been thinking and feeling.
It is easy to observe and witness momentum in sports. When a sports announcer says that a team has the momentum they mean that the team is really on the move and is going to be hard bring it to a halt. To stop an object (a ball, team, relationship), it is necessary to apply a force against its motion for a given period of time. As the force acts upon the object for a given amount of time, the object’s velocity is changed; and hence, the object’s momentum is changed.
Newtonian physics says that momentum equals velocity times mass. What does this mean in the realm of relationships. According to these theorists, psychological velocity is provided by some important event; in sports that is usually a “big play”, in business it’s signing a large account and in relationships it’s feeling comfortable, safe, and as if you belong.
Mass, according to this theory, is provided by the social context: How important is the relationship? Is each partner emotionally invested in it? When a feel good moment occurs and is combined with both individual’s desire to keep the relationship going, momentum becomes visible. In the initial stage of falling in love a couple can’t seem to get enough of each other.Similar to a basketball team that plays so well that every basket is made to appear effortlessly.
As mentioned earlier, to stop momentum force needs to be applied. That is seen in forms of jobs, kids, finance, etc. These “things” get in the way and break couples momentum. Each of the elements listed could not break momentum unless communication lapsed. Yes, you can regain momentum, but make sure you both want to go in the same direction and are both willing to exert the same effort in pursuit of a solid relationship. Start with baby steps such as watching the same TV show, joining the gym, or going out for coffee. Anything to get the momentum going.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Apr 15, 2015 | Blog
I cannot prescribe medication, however my prescription for happiness pad includes friendships. Men and women gather and retain friends differently. This blog will focus on women. Specifically how to meet, cultivate and retain friendships.
Every 7 years women replace half of their friends. So we are constantly on the lookout for a new potential BFF. Think of friendships as a food pyramid. We need to be exposed to many women in different settings such as work, mom groups, yoga class, association network, house of worship,etc.
Luckily for us in the digital age not only online dating has brought couples together but also forged friendships that might not have had opportunities to develop otherwise. Here is a list of sites that can help you meet friends in a city near to you:
www.meetup.com their moto neighbors getting together to learn something, do something, share something
www.girlfriendcircles.com – is an online community that connects women to new local friends
www.meetup.com – neighbors getting together to learn something, do something, share something
www.meetin.org – their mission is to make friends in the real world, without the pretense of establishing business connections.
www.napw.com network for professional women to interact, exchange ideas, educate, and empower.
www.girlfriendsocial.com Girlfriend Social is website that connects women with new platonic female friendships.
Other forums may include places of worship, political groups, community volunteering, book clubs such as http://www.readerscircle.org. If you are interested in quilting, find a quilting class. Branch out and audition potential friends.
It is normal to feel intimidated by new events and reaching out to unfamiliar people, take a deep breath and know that others there will feel the same. You can expect the host to come over and introduce you to others. Keep in mind you do have something in common with these women since you live in close proximity and came to meet people. Present yourself authentically at the mixer by asking questions and sharing information about yourself.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Apr 15, 2015 | Blog
We always hear “just be yourself”.
What if you played a role for years and it brought you success in form of love, money, career – but not happiness. Do you continue to your oscar award winning performance or find yourself and become authentic. One can hold a glass of water for 10 min, maybe a couple of hours but days, months, years – I don’t think so. That’s exactly what we are asking our psyche to do when we reject out authentic self
{The true you; aligned and congruent self image, stature, values, beliefs, goals, behavior, word, and public image}.
Everyone is born authentic however beginning with childhood and moving through adolescence and into adulthood, we spend energy and time separating from our true self. During majority of our life we wear one mask to ourselves and other masks in the various groups, settings, events and circumstances we encounter along the way — at work, at play, at home, and in relationships. Most of ourself images we created for ourselves when we were young out of the need for others’ acceptance and approval. The more we exhibited this behavior or that image, the more we received acceptance and approval from, first our parents, then extended family, teachers, friends, and clergy, etc. Unfortunately, when we expressed our true selves, and our true self did not sync up with our parents’ expectations of who we should and should not be, we were denied love and acceptance. Becoming (consciously or unconsciously) obsessive over how we appear to others, and wanting and needing others’ approval, admiration and recognition, we “do what we have to do” — often resulting in showing up as a fake and phony, acting according to the images that were “imprinted” or “hard-wired” into our brains and into our emotional bodies. We learned to behave in ways that are grandiose, false, inauthentic, and reactive. When we separate from our authentic self, this disconnect manifests largely as our ego leading to a loss of self-esteem, self-value and self-worth which we then try to recover from outside ourselves. We shore up our self by being phony and fake – in thought, word, and deed. Discovering one’s authenticity requires reflection that cannot be accomplished by thinking about it but rather by working with a professional who will provide unconditional positive regard and increase awareness. Just as the best dermatologist can’t examine her/his own back, neither can one become authentic on their own.
Transformation to an authentic you:
To become your authentic self begin by knowing yourself.
- Understand your own personality traits, learned behaviors, and your values, beliefs, sense of justice, needs, goals, and motives. Analyze the events, choices, and people who have contributed to your identity throughout your life.
- It’s not all about you and so no need to take everything personally.
- Understand what guides and motivates you throughout your life and then question if those items belong to you or someone else.
- Discover your signature strengths then apply those signature strengths toward your authentic goals.
- Align your self image, stature, and public image. Carefully examine what you tell yourself, what you tell others, and when you decide to speak. Use your word consistently to express and strengthen your values. Don’t employ or overlook factual errors, fallacies or, distortions during communications.
- Have the courage to acknowledge your limitations and embrace your vulnerability.
- Gain the confidence to be humble.
- Choose to be content.
- Don’t make assumptions. Readily acknowledge what you don’t know and have the courage to ask questions. Carefully examine the evidence. Don’t attribute intent to others.
Bridge the Gap
Begin by writing a list of words that describe who you want to be; who you believe you can be.
To get started consider the list of trait nouns and trait adjectives. If these complete lists are overwhelming, use the shorter lists of personality trait markers, including both adjectives and nouns. Concentrate on words that describe who you are, not what you do.
Now write down a separate list of words that describe who you are now. How many words are the same on both lists? How many are different? How closely do the lists compare? What changes do you have to make?
As people become more authentic they often become more: rational, realistic, intuitive, creative, independent, flexible, able to manage change, willing to accept blame and correct their mistakes, generous,respectful of others, fair, and cooperative. This congruence earns the trust of others.
References:
http://www.transitionpartnerships.com/docs/Being%20ourselves%20v11.pdf
http://www.emotionalcompetency.com/authenticself.htm
http://www.truenorthpartnering.com/sites/default/files/Why%20Being%20Aut…
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Apr 15, 2015 | Blog
For the purpose of this blog, infidelity breach is defined as a broken promise for exclusivity in a relationship where a commitment was made. Open relationships will be excluded from this discussion.
Therapy provides a safe arena to share thoughts and feelings that have thrown both partners into emotional turmoil. The betrayed and betrayer experience 5 cycles of grief similar to what is done during a period of mourning. However going through the cycle during mourning provides one with community support. Going through grief over infidelity is usually done in private. When a person calls to seek help from friends to discuss mourning most are open to giving support. When person calls to discuss infidelity with friends they might not be met with compassion but more of interrogation and judgment. Shame and isolation are sample of complex emotions that are being dealt with by both. Infidelity adds a 6th stage – deciding to stay or not in a relationship.
To reveal or to not reveal…that is the question
Two thoughts on revealing the affair. Why burden the partner with the affair and on the other hand, a relationship cannot progress with dishonesty. It can be scary and overwhelming to come clean. Usually the betrayer will have conflicting emotion and the thought of revealing the affair can bring up tremendous guilt. However, it is an act of great courage and benefit because it will bring liberation. We are trapped by what we fight instead of what we allow in.
Was this an affair or an addiction
Love and sex addiction is almost as common as alcohol now. Attributes of an addiction: going to sex or love is harmful to self or others; used as a way to escape loneliness; sense of being out of control; a pattern to the behaviour; do not cheat for closeness and intimacy. An affair is more of an act in search of a missing factor in a current relationship. Infidelity in the beginning of a relationship is more indicative of an addiction as opposed to an affair several years into a relationship which is more indicative of dissatisfaction.
If an addiction is identified there are local 12 Step programs for both parties that can help eliminate shame and isolation. This should be seen as complementary to individual therapy:
SANON groups support partners of sex addicts. Wednesday meeting in THOUSAND OAKS (7:00–8:15 pm) at St. Patrick’s Episcopal Church #1 Church Road Buena Vista Room (near church office) .
SA groups support sex addicts. Saturday 8:30a in THOUSAND OAKS 2667 N. Moorpark Rd., Suite 105 (Visions) SW corner of Moorpark & Avenida de los Arboles.
Individual healing process
It is normal to get into fight or flight mentality. The one who was betrayed feels a lot of pain and needs to focus on themselves through self care. One might want to flee to avoid pain but the feelings persist so running from them or trying to change the other person is not healing nor productive. This is not to suggest that one should stay or leave a relationship but more to pause and process ones feeling to be able to make a better decision. By digesting overwhelming emotions you will bring life into balance. One might start being confused by who can they trust now. Is everything experienced real or an illusion. Why has life brought this to me. What do I need to change. Healing will occur through forgiveness and forging a new beginning as well as creating a fresh relationship. If one partner desires to work on the relationship and one doesn’t. It’s o.k. for the one that is vested to exercise patience and hope, however both need to participate for the relationship to survive and flourish.
PTSD and infidelity – when a discovery occurs ones world is thrown off kilter. It shakes you on a deep emotional level similar to a head on collision. A confident person can become timid or gregarious person turns shy. They pull in their energetic resources to heal. Another component of PTSD is do whatever we can to make our environment controllable. The betrayed might start to manage, supervise and monitor their mates computer. Instead of controlling the environment they send out more distressors and focus on others as opposed to taking care of themselves. Select confidants to enlist support.
Surrender into what is and not fantasy of what could be or should be. Who my partner is vs who my partner is supposed to be. The betrayed will feel empowered by making choices in each moment. This can best be accomplished by being present, forgiving, and staying positive instead of recycling what happened.
Couples Work
Once individual clarity is achieved it’s important to understand the partners point of view. Some people would like to hear details of the infidelity and some don’t want to. The betrayer needs to make amends and be remorseful and commit to doing something different next time. They need to be available to witness and acknowledge what the betrayed is feeling and going through.
If there is an addiction there might be some repeating instances similar to alcoholism. If an affair occurred the betrayer needs to clean up that relationship which might cause the betrayed more pain. Don’t get stuck in the victim story. You need to move forward by facing what is, identify where you are headed; what you would like to let go of and what you would like to bring in.
If infidelity occurred in the past and the betrayed has not been able to recover there might be several reasons:
Betrayed didn’t feel completely heard.
Betrayer did not acknowledge pain adequately.
The feeling of helplessness was not addressed and so the pain lingers
Anger hasn’t been released.
Couples can overcome infidelity and experience greater closeness by looking at each other soberly and not looking at each other through distorted glasses. Deeper understanding of who each other is as opposed to who the partner is supposed to be. Forgiveness occurs and a deeper love can develop. True honesty and agreement must be chosen for love and friendship to grow.
