by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Aug 5, 2015 | Blog
[heading animation=”” color=”” type=”1″ align=”left”]Are you being fake or trying to modify your behavior[/heading]
The Atlantic recently tweeted about Drake, Taylor Swift, and why it pays to be fake . The article focuses on being a celebrity but the concept is worth examining. Acting “as if” is a common therapeutic intervention used to modify behavior. The intervention is simple, we can create new circumstances by acting “as if” they already exist; for example, we can be confident by acting as if we are confident. It sounds very simple and magical, however practiced in conjunction with other cognitive behavioral tools it can be very effective. This principal is useful to couples who want to create relationship 2.0 or individuals who are ready to replace their non-effective coping tools.
Acting “as-if” is a powerful tool if used properly. Here is DIY list:
- Identify what you want to change
- Determine what actions, thoughts, and feelings are related to your change
- Pretend to be the person who already has what you want is what you want to be. For example, what would a person who is happy be doing? How would she think and feel?
Fake it till you make is an old concept. Think about it, since it’s been around for so long maybe there is some legitimacy to it. You have nothing to lose but old habits!
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Jul 31, 2015 | Blog
[heading animation=”” color=”” type=”1″ align=”left”]Work smart not hard on your relationship[/heading]
Very often during pre-marital counseling couples will ask me, individually, “Should we be working this hard?”. Maybe a better question “is the effort worth the reward?”. It’s hard to stay motivated if your efforts are not paying of. Weigh the pros and cons and decide of it is worth while investing time into your relationship. Ideally there should be a balance just like with anything else – work hard and play hard. Pick a partner with whom you like yourself and who challenges you but in a respectful kind way. Identify problems that you seem gridlocked in and think about how it would be to live with them permanently. They might get resolved but don’t commit to a relationship thinking you will change your partner.
Assuming you agreed to work on your relationship here are smart daily exercises to get you started:
- Continue to learn about your partner by engaging in deeper open ended questions.
- Openly share your admiration of your loved one in the form of compliments or vulnerable observations.
- Attune to your significant others need for attention and give generously
- When your partners intentions are unclear assume they are positive.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Jun 3, 2015 | Blog
[heading animation=”” color=”” type=”1″ align=”left”]Your marriage can’t survive without intimacy[/heading]
In life, one can be kind and smart, attractive and funny but if you can’t capitalize on these qualities then you can’t survive. You need money to provide food, shelter and clothing without which one cannot live. Sex is to marriage what money is to life. No matter how good your communication is, how in sync your parenting style is, or how well defined your life goals are, if your intimate life doesn’t exist then your marriage is at high risk of dissolving.
[heading animation=”” color=”” type=”2″ align=”left”]Tips to rev up your sex life[/heading]
- Set the mood with sexy music
- Fifty Shades of Grey is onto something…read erotic novels
- Make out
- Sensate Focus Exercise
- Spice things up with a new location!
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Apr 15, 2015 | Blog
Have you ever felt butterflies in your stomach, what about an upset belly while nervous, or experienced gut in your chest when scared. There is no denying the fact that our brain is directly connected via neural pathways to our gut. And new research from UCLA, Harvard, etc. have dubbed a new term Psychobiotics to illustrate how probiotics affect our mood.
I have compiled a list of Probiotics that have been shown to be effective to regulate mood:
Beneficial Probiotic Strands:
- Lactobacillus helveticus {Reduces levels of stress hormones and helps with anxiety and depression}
- Bifidobacterium longum {Normalizes Anxiety and Depression}
- Lactobacillus Rhamnosus {Reduces stress and alleviates OCD behavior}
- Lactobacillus acidophilus {Helps send message to the brain that happy chemicals are alive in the gut}
- Lactobacillus brevis {Minimizes Anxiety}
- Bifidobacterium infantis {Reduces depression and increases brain chemical – norepinephrine, which is linked with well-being}
Utilizing the kind that contain live cultures of the probiotic is a key element. Another important consideration is the storage of the supplements. Unlike vitamins that generally do well on any pantry shelf, probiotics should be stored in a controlled cool environment that is dry and out of direct sunlight. http://www.probiotic.org
Bowel MGRx™ by Welltrients has all of they key bacteria mentioned above. I do not endorse particular products but in my research has found this one to contain key strains. It may be purchased online or a local company Holistic Heaven has some in stock.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Apr 15, 2015 | Blog
Everyone knows how to start an argument but do you know how to end it? Knowing when and how to terminate an argument is crucial to your ongoing marital bliss. Of Course gaining tools how to fight is important, however this blog features the end phase of an argument. An argument should not be on going but instead have an end. A good rule of thumb is to not let it go longer than an hour. That is plenty of time for a specific issue to be addressed and resolved. When arguments go past that point they usually head into different directions. You start fighting about parents and end with finances. Stay on point and keep it brief. The following is a list of ways to end arguments in productive ways.
1. Find a happy medium, there must be something you agree on. Use the common denominator as your starting point for friendly negotiations.
2. Take turns giving in. Learn what issues are important to your partner and why. Next assess how important is this issue for you and consider letting your partner “win”.
3. Apologize either because you feel you are wrong or as a bridge to move on.
4. State what you would like to see happen and ask if your partner is able/willing to comply.
5. Use silly nicknames or make a joke. Couples who lightly tease each other during a conflict wind up feeling more in love when the disagreement finally blows over, according to a study conducted at the University of California at Berkeley.
6. Suggest a timeout as a way to manage your emotions and sort out what the real issue is.
7. Own your contribution to the argument and offer/solicit solutions.
8. “Research has found that unhappy couples tend to repeat themselves out of desperation to be heard, which isn’t productive. They wind up talking at each other instead of having a dialogue,” says Benjamin Karney, Ph.D., co director of the Relationship Institute at the University of California at Los Angeles. Stop talking and reach out physically to one another.
9. And as a last resort agree to disagree.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Apr 15, 2015 | Blog
We are all familiar with drug addiction, sex addiction even shopping addiction. We accept these addictions as legitimate and once identify them in ourselves we usually seek treatment. Why not fear addiction? This is much more difficult to spot by ourselves and our friends and family don’t know it’s an issue nor symptoms.
So what is addiction to fear? From the time we were nomads and wandered the earth we were ruled by fear – hunt or starve, start a fire or freeze, etc. Our loving and well meaning parents usually parented in the same fashion – wash your hands or you will get sick, look both ways before crossing the street or you will be run over, etc. Our brain is programmed to, at least in part, make decisions based on fear.
Just as someone can have a glass of wine on a regular bases but not become an alcoholic so can some people process fear. Others, just as in the case of alcoholism, become addicted to fear. Symptoms include:
- chronic worry
- negative self talk
- over thinking a situation to be prepared for all eventualities
- phobias
- anxiety
- staying in unhealthy relationship
- hover parenting style
- eating disorders
- common addiction
- depression
- unfulfilled career
- under/over spending
Although the list is not complete you can see that so many issues have addiction to fear component. Take for example any addiction. At the root an addict doesn’t want to face reality and distracts him/herself with a vice such as alcohol, gambling, sex. Looking further into why are they avoiding reality will be fear:
- fear of not being good enough
- fear of facing childhood traumas and possibly re-evaluating relationship with parents
- fear of taking on additional responsibilities at work and therefore not seeking a promotion
- fear of losing status
By understanding origin of problems and accepting the fact that they are managed by fear one can start making life changes. Working both cognitive behaviorally and psychodynamically will garnish optimum results.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Apr 15, 2015 | Blog
Last couple of years were dominated by Hunger Games novels and movie. The first book opens with children being selected to fight till the end. The anxiety the characters feel during the selection process is extremely intense and all to familiar. According the National Institute of Mental Health, Anxiety disorders (including panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and phobias) affect approximately 40 million American adults ages 18 and older, or about 18.1 percent of people in this age group in a given year, have an anxiety disorder. These are stagerring numbers. We are not playing Hunger Games but Anxiety Games.
Although I use a cognitive and behavioral approach to resolve anxiety, stress, depression, and sleep disorders, which often come with anxiety, my approach is more in-depth than that commonly used by other therapists. Generally cognitive and behavioral concepts may be helpful for some, however I find that they are too superficial, and therefore don’t get to the core reasons that trigger these disorders.
To bring about meaningful and lasting change, I have expanded on CBT to address core underlying factors associated with anxiety. Once these core factors are identified, I provide insight and strategies to help you work through them right away.
Having experienced anxiety in the past myself, I quickly atune to clients needs and assist in bring about awareness of core issues by using a variety of techniques but specifically peeling layers of an onion. In therapy you will also learn about the two types of nervous systems in your body and how to control them. Many clients come to me after having tried other therapists and self-help. They often report my direct approach helped them learn more in the first few sessions with me than they have working with their original therapists for years.
Common self help treatments include, but not limited to:
Eliminate Caffein
Increase exercise
Meditation/yoga
Get enough sleep
Thinking happy thoughts
Do not compare yourself to others
Practice deep breathing
