by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Jan 24, 2023 | couples, couples counseling, divorce, love, marriage
Are you fighting with your partner based on assumptions or reality?
There is no doubt that couples will fight in their relationship. Whether these fights are productive or not it is important to recognize where your arguments are coming from? Are they coming from an assumption or something that happened in real time or (reality)..
Here are a few common reasons couple’s fight:
- Finances
- Frequency of sex
- Kids
- Division of labor (who does what in the house)
- Extended family
- Lack of quality time
- Lack of romance
So…. what if my argument is based off an assumption?
Assumptions in relationships can include assuming your partners motives, thoughts, feelings, or needs. Assumptions can be pretty destructive in relationships and can lead to a spiral of misunderstanding, miscommunication, and add further distance between you and your partner.
Assumptions can look like:
“He is being really quiet so obviously he is mad at me.”
“You should know exactly what I want, why should I have to ask you?”
“I know how she feels”
“We will be so much happier if we do XYZ”
Assumptions can lead to shutting down during arguments and a total loss of connection with your partner. If you are constantly assuming what your partner is thinking or why they did what they did, often times they may feel judged and helpless because they are not given the chance to explain what they are actually thinking or feeling.
The Four Agreements is a wonderful read that offers insight into how self-limiting beliefs that can impact our lives.
One of the 4 agreements states:
“Don’t Make Assumptions: We should not assume that others know what we think or what we want, and vice versa. We should communicate our needs and our feelings clearly, and we should ask questions instead of jumping to conclusions when thinking about the behaviors of others.”
This goes hand in hand with relationships. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Whatever you may be thinking or assuming about your partner, stop, pause, and communicate what you are feeling with them. Having open and honest dialogue based off of reality and not assumptions will only lead to better communication between you and your partner.
Old habits can be hard to break but with a conscious effort, couples can become aware of the assumptions they are making.
Check-in with your partner and asking questions like:
“How can I support you right now?”
What are your thoughts about XYZ?”
“Can I share my thoughts and feelings about this with you?”
“How do you feel about this situation?”
Questions like these open up the opportunity for honest and open conversations and allow you to better understand your partners thoughts and feelings.. Give it a try!
If you and you partner are struggling with communication, my associates and I are currently accepting new clients. Couples therapy can be very beneficial for the overall health and longevity of your relationship.
marinaedelman.com 818.851.1293
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Oct 19, 2021 | couples, couples counseling, divorce, fall, love, marriage, mediation, self-care, Uncategorized
FALL BACK IN LOVE…READ MORE TO LEARN HOW
The leaves are changing, the air is crisp, the aroma of pumpkin latte’s and pumpkin everything else is cropping up all around you. There may be a feeling of warmth and festivity in the air as the seasons change, so why is there a chill between you and your partner?
For many, the changing of the seasons signals a natural inclination for newness and growth. Instead of widening the gap and growing apart, take this seasonal cue from Mother Nature and seize the opportunity to FALL BACK in love, creating more opportunity for you and your partner not only to connect, but to flourish!
Seasonal changes as well as relationship changes are organic and normal as everyone experiences highs and lows. While these fluctuations are part of even the healthiest relationships, we sometimes need to be reminded that we have the power to strengthen and increase more of the connection in our relationships that may have diminished over time.
“Autumn shows us how beautiful it is to let things go” ~Anonymous
By increasing mindful awareness this season and letting go of some resentments and bitterness that may have crept in over time, you and your partner can reconnect. In the beginning of your relationship its often effortless to act simply as smiley lover’s loving love. These feelings of infatuation can naturally decrease if left unattended leaving one or both partners feeling disillusioned and questioning the future of the relationship.
Some signs of relationship dissatisfaction creeping in are:
– Your speech with one another becoming more sarcastic than sweet
– You may be less careful with one another’s feelings and ignore bids for attention
– You no longer “date” one another like you did when the relationship was new
– You begin to fantasize about being with someone else or being better off alone
– Instead of admiring your partners strengths, you focus only on their shortcomings
– You find yourself asking “Is this as good as it gets? Or even “Have I fallen out of love permanently?”
If these signs are familiar to you, realize that not only are you not alone, but that you have the power within you to create desired change today. By “being the change you wish to see” in your relationship you can influence your partner and can reignite the passion that you may have once feared was only a thing of seasons past.
Here are SIX things you can try today to FALL BACK in LOVE with your partner.
1. Get cozy! Take advantage of the changing season by inviting your partner to move closer to you. Keeping each other can warm the heart in more ways than one.
2. Rekindle though traditions. Don’t have any? Begin where you are by adding rituals for the holidays, or even for your daily routine. Fun is not just for kids and is important for “grown-ups” too. The pumpkin patch and piles of Autumn leaves await!
3. Gratitude. With Thanksgiving coming, be proactive now by counting your blessings and focusing on what you do have vs don’t have in your relationship.
4. Take a stroll down Memory Lane. What was it that attracted you to each other in the beginning? Remember the things that you signed up for when you made a commitment to the person that you share your life with.
5. Recommit to being “ALL IN ” in your relationship thought the power of decision. Love is a verb after all. You can begin again by remembering all the things that you did for and with your partner in the beginning when the feelings were more alive. Make a conscious decision to doing them again and doing them with kindness.
6. Self-care may sound cliché but there is a reason for it. Take care of YOU. If you want to rekindle passion in your relationship, take care of yourself outside of the relationship and make sure that your individual needs are met. If you are feeling bad about your own life, it’s hard to keep your relationship flame alive.
Don’t wait until January 1st to add “Work on the relationship” to your lengthy list of resolutions. By moving towards your desired future now, It will not only improve your relationship, but it can also make space for your other adventurous resolutions like fitness, fencing, fantasy football, or something else that you would like to have more of in your life. If more of what you need is a happier relationship, or just to “be,” In either case, do it now. Your future self- will thank you.
Blog post written by Sharalee Hall AMFT, she is available to meet with couples and families in person and online . Feel free to reach out and schedule a complimentary session.
marinaedelman.com 818.851.1293
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Aug 26, 2021 | Blog, couples, divorce, mediation
Divorce can be hard and have a negative impact. But the same can be said for staying in a long-term bad marriage.
Over the last 20 years divorce rates have been declining. A striking contrast to this trend is a phenomenon known as the “Gray Divorce.” Gray divorce describes a rise in divorce rates for couples 45 plus who are choosing to end their marriages later in life. In fact, over the last 20 years the divorce rates have more than doubled in this demographic. The notion and norm from previous generations which valued staying together “no matter what”, and “growing old” with a life-partner seems to be shifting in favor of individual freedom and happiness in cases where a marriage has not been working for either one or both partners. The divorce rate continues to rise for couples over 45 in long-term marriages for several reasons. Research has shown a rise in life expectancy over the past few decades, and with couples expecting to live longer and healthier lives there is more time to consider the impact of the decision to divorce may have on their quality of life. While couples are continuing to stay in unhappy marriages “for the sake of the kids” in recent years there has shown to be increase in divorce rates when the nest is finally empty. The past stigma of divorce has become less potent over time which has impacted this trend. Second and third marriages have a significant likelihood to end in divorce which is a factor. Also, the impact of women earning more money and achieving more career success than previous generations has led to the continuing rise in divorce in the second half of life.
Gray divorce can lead to positive change, second chances and hope for a new fulfilling chapter for separating spouses. It can also have a downside that can be especially challenging for older populations such as isolation, depression, financial insecurity, health challenges, and new relationship issues with adult children who are dealing with the loss of their parents’ long-term marriage much differently than their parents may be.
1. Loss of a long-term dream. While both partners grieve the end of a marriage the spouse who initiates the divorce may seem to be dealing with the loss better than the other, as they may have had more time to process and accept their choice. This can be particularly challenging for the spouse for whom the divorce was not their choice but is now their reality. Although change is a constant part of life, many people find it to be difficult to manage and accept which and can lead to isolation.
2. Teenage and Adult Children. Many unhappy spouses with children struggle with the decision to either end the marriage while the kids are still young or wait to separate when the kids launch into their own adult lives. The “Empty nest” is big reason for Gray divorce. Children struggle to adjust at any age with their parents’ divorce, this can be more impactful and unexpected for teenage and adult children who assume that since their parents made it that far that their marriage would endure. Parents relationships with their older children can become challenging due to delayed divorce. It can be a struggle for all members of the once in-tact family to come to terms with the changes and loss caused by the break-up in and they may do so in much different ways.
3. Finances. Gray divorce can either take place during retirement or with retirement not too far into the future. Older couples may have had more time to save, but the impact of divorce can lead to a substantial financial hit and with less time to recover before retirement. There are likely more assets to divide which can be complicated at the very least and lead to animosity when the couple is not in agreement on how to untangle and divide what they have built over-time. Whether to keep or sell the family home is often a challenge, as well as making sure that both parties can continue to take care of insurance and healthcare needs that are vital for couples approaching an age where health concerns can be greater.
4. Difficult Emotions. Whether or not there may be positive changes on the horizon due to the split there is still grief and loss. Attending to emotional needs is crucial at this time, in order to successfully navigate the five stages of grief which are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. It is vital to rely on an either an existing support system during divorce or create a new one if needed. Family and friends can be great support, but sometimes different perspectives or burnout can lead to a need to seek new ways to get emotional needs met. There are divorce groups and other support groups that can promote healing and prevent what may be the worst result of a divorce, which is isolation. Studies show that former spouses enduring divorce have higher rates of depression than those whose spouses have died. The risk of isolation in Gray divorce can be higher and with the likelihood of an increase in physical and mental health problems show up showing up connection is vital. Reaching out for help from an individual or family therapist can be very beneficial during the divorce adjustment and can lead to healing and redefining life and goals as your newly single-self.
Divorce, especially in the second- half of life can range from difficult to devastating. This can also be a time of reinvention and new beginnings as you make room for yourself and for new possibilities. You can start over and make changes that are important to your well-being. Divorce, at any age, is not what couples have in mind when making wedding vows. Nonetheless, by putting yourself first for the first time, or the first time in a long time, you may find that trading “happily” ever-after,” for “Happier” ever after, is not such a bad thing after all.
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Written by Sharalee Hall, Marriage and Family Associate of TrueMe Counseling Center.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Jul 9, 2020 | couples, divorce, marriage
So you have been with your spouse for quite a while, it’s normal to assume you know how they will act, think, or even feel in a specific situation. But how well do you really know your partner? Take the Gottman quiz to find out.
More often than not, acting like you can guess what your partner might be thinking isn’t the most productive thing to do. Mind reading can create a bigger issue. You may wind up spiraling into a whirlwind of stress and pessimism that snowballs into a major clash. This conflict can keep you from learning the truth about your partner’s feelings and keep you stuck in gridlock situations. Not giving your partner the benefit of the doubt will drive you further and further apart.
So what is one to do? Assume the best about your spouse.
Giving the Benefit of the Doubt is One of the Most Powerful Tools
Would you be able to think about a circumstance where you didn’t assume the best about your spouse? You stirred yourself up… and afterward felt amazingly humiliated when the reality of the situation was uncovered. You didn’t have anything to stress over in any case!
Assuming the best about your spouse not just causes you to stay away from these emotions, it advances trust and tolerance in your relationship. It shields your spouse from becoming defensive. It shows them that you value and respect them.
Also, if a past negative suspicion was accurate, it lets them see that you accept their ability to change and improve. Your spouse will feel closer to you and progressively valued by you. Which is probably going to make them assume the best about you, as well.
So how would you train yourself to assume the positive instead of the negative?
How about you switch places (in Imago terms it’s called visiting each others country).
For example, you’re running late for dinner. Your telephone dies; you’re trapped in rush hour gridlock, the unexpected client shows up….Sounds familiar and possible?
Eventually, you show up at the restaurant, late, tired, and hungry. Your spouse promptly treats you with complete disdain. Or even better accuses you of being vindictive and not caring. You attempt to clarify, yet they won’t have it! Is there any good reason why they shouldn’t trust what you are saying?
It truly hurts when a spouse doesn’t assume the best about you. When both people show up as their best selves – the relationship benefits.
Channel empathy towards your mate. They are playing for the same team as you. When something upsets you, be open to accepting your loved ones’ subjective reality. Simply enquire about what happened to make them late. Don’t challenge their decisions or offer alternative options. This already happened and simply enjoy the present moment.
See the situation from your spouse’s perspective. Accept that they are attempting their best and mean well. Different approaches to life are not wrong, just different. Sometimes negative feelings can flood us and our best efforts at dismissing them do not work. Try softly addressing the problem from a solution mindset.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Oct 4, 2019 | Blog, couples, divorce, marriage
Fighting is a common practice in relationships. Couples fight and disagree all the time. The smallest disagreement can boil over into World War III. Make sure you are fighting about real things and not assumptions.
Common reasons couples fight are:
- Lack of Sex.
- Lack of Money. There are so many different fights that couples can get into when it comes to money. …
- Kids
- Timing
- Quality Time
- Lack of Romance
- Chores. …who does what?
- Pet Peeves
But are we really listening to our significant other’s reasoning and are we giving them the benefit of the doubt that they sometimes deserve? Why do we spend so much time fighting because of our own hurt egos, assumptions, and pride?
The question we should really be asking ourselves is, why do we make assumptions? Easy. People make assumptions naturally to fill in the blanks or holes in situations. It’s kind of like Rational Choice Theory – Rational choice theory states that individuals rely on rational calculations to make rational choices that result in outcomes aligned with their own best interests.
Five Major Assumptions that Couples Make!
- “If you love me, you’ll know what I’m thinking.”
One of the biggest assumptions couples make is that their partners can read their minds. If and WHEN they can’t, then the next assumption is that they must not love or care about them.
- “We’d be happier if our sex life was better.”
Even bigger than a lackluster sex life is that the problem may be a lack of trust or emotional attachment.
- “If you’d just do X or Y, everything would work out.”
This assumption happens when a person does not want to look at themselves as wrong. They don’t want to look deeper into their own issues and seek help, so they point blame to their partner. It’s easier to blame someone else instead of looking at our own faults.
- “You should put me first.”
With this assumption, there is an expectation that it’s your partner’s duty to make you happy. Your happiness should actually be your own responsibility. Find your happiness, then share it together with your partner.
- “We should be able to figure this out already.”
This is an unattainable expectation. All couples think that they should be farther along in their relationship than they are, when the reality is that relationships are hard work, all the time.
What are the benefits of giving your partner the benefit of the doubt? Less fighting!
Giving your partner the benefit of the doubt not only helps you to avoid these hurt feelings, it encourages positivity and patience in your relationship. Giving your partner the benefit of the doubt will keep your partner from jumping into defensive mode, therefore avoiding an unnecessary argument. It will show them that you trust and appreciate them. So next time you feel like jumping to conclusions and turning something into a fight, sit back and really have an in-depth conversation with your partner, ask the right questions, and get the true answers. Clarity equals peace in all relationships. Peace and happiness is priceless, and should always be a goal in any relationship.
When was the last time you had a relationship check-up – maybe it’s time to schedule a check up appointment.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Aug 8, 2019 | affair, couples, divorce, marriage
Women cheat and have affairs. They do. Even though it’s not as talked about as men, and in some ways, a lot more unacceptable in society, women do cheat. Why? Usually when women have their eyes set on their guy, it’s forever. She will stick by her man through thick and thin. So what would make a woman turn her back on her life with her current partner, and stray?
Below are various reasons why this would happen
- Women sometimes feel underappreciated, neglected, or ignored. Inadvertently, they feel more like a housekeeper, or nanny, than a wife or girlfriend. So they seek validation of their true selves outside of their current relationship. They want to be valued not for their casseroles, but for being women.
- They crave intimacy. Women tend to feel a connection to their significant other through other ways that does not involve sex. Situations that involve talking, having fun together, building a home and social life together usually make up their definition of intimacy. So when they don’t have this, they feel disconnected.
- She is not fulfilled by her current situation and feels overwhelmed and stressed. Studies have shown that even though some women were in very healthy, loving relationships, life’s stressors triggered a need to stray outside of their marriage.
- Loneliness can lead to affairs. Women can experience loneliness in a relationship for any number of reasons. Maybe their spouse works long hours or travels for business on a regular basis, or maybe their spouse is emotionally unavailable. When this happens, women will try to fill the void elsewhere.
- Unrealistic expectations. They expect their significant other to meet their every need 24/7, 365 days a year, and when that doesn’t happen, they seek attention elsewhere. They want it all, they need it all. All the attention, all the time. This is probably feeding into some kind of insecurity issue – or codependency issue that they may have.
- Childhood or early adulthood abuse. Sometimes women who experienced profound early-life (or adult) trauma, especially sexual trauma, will re-enact that trauma as a way of trying to master or control it.
- They’re not having enough satisfying sex at home. Not only men enjoy sex, this is a common misconception. Women also enjoy sex, and will seek it elsewhere if it’s not being given at home. Sex should be fun, and common, in a relationship. It’s a deep intimacy that allows partners to fully explore and connect to each other.
Women stray too. That’s a fact. When the needs of woman is not met, she will also find them elsewhere. At the end of the day, we are all human. Men, women, all humans. And we need to feel that love and connection, that desire, with our partner. We need to feel like they are all in, as we all should be. GIving love, support, and helping each other grow. Without the connection between two people, the relationship is sort of stagnant, and not growing. When a relationship grows stagnant, it becomes suffocating. Which will develop a need for a person to want to seek other means of love and connection elsewhere.
There is a way to affair proof your relationship. If you are considering betraying your partner, see a therapist first. Therapy can help you understand what is driving your unhappiness and come up with ways to talk to your partner about lack of fulfillment. Some things cannot be undone – an affair is one of them. Managing your impulses will help you not feel guilt and shame in the long run.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | May 31, 2019 | Blog, couples, divorce, mediation
Divorce is not easy for anyone, especially those with children. We establish a life around our families, and divorce forces us to redirect that life and create a new one. Collaborating on vacation ideas as divorced parents is tough.
The one constant factor in all of the chaos, of course, is the children. We need to be reminded constantly, that this kind of change can be detrimental to the children. Families can still be considered combined units, given the correct amicable terms. We can still communicate effectively and co-parent in ways that make the sting of divorce a little less unbearable.
The two things that families struggle with are holidays and vacations. Summer vacation is a prolonged amount of time where the children are not in school and therefore, the adults must work together in a compassionate and understanding manner to co-parent and work around each other’s schedules.
Below are some tips and ideas that may help the process along:
- Plan ahead – nothing makes things easier than a plan. Planning ahead and making sure that the plan works for both parents and children is best. Use tools such as Google Calendar to collaborate effectively.
- Let older children and teens help in the planning process. Make sure that this is done in a transparent way with everyone involved so that your family will still hold on to that united front, and feel combined.
- Communicate effectively – this ensures that everyone is heard, understood, and the plan will be able to proceed.
- Celebrate each other’s efforts in the planning process.
- Avoid the phrase “My Time” when referring to your parenting period with the children.
- Use the summer to maximize spending time with your child. At the times that you do have your children, try one of the items below:
- Beach Day
- Library Day
- Picnics
- Ice Cream Day
- Visit the Zoo
- Go to the park and fly kites!
- Playdays in the yard followed by a hot dog bbq
- Water Balloon Fights!
- Gardening Days
- Movie Nights
- Be Sensitive to important events such as birthdays, fathers day, etc.
- Welcome your children’s friends over at all times. The extra company over the summer may act as a buffer and help your child transition better to their new way of life.
- Make plans for your own relaxing “me-time” when your child is visiting with the other parent. This may be fun and something you look forward to.
- Let the “VEGGING” period begin. Let your child sleep in, watch tv all day, and veg out if needed.
- Relax and just spend time with your children. Concentrate on what’s most important to you, and make beautiful memories!
In conclusion, your family doesn’t have to be split up, the dynamic is only changing, but you are still very much a family, and your ex-spouse is still very much a part of your life as well as your children’s lives. Make the transition and shift easier for everyone by not holding on to bitter feelings, and try your best to be amicable at all times. The results will be a successful co-parented, united family, with happy children, and parents who are very good friends.
