by Marina Edelman, LMFT | May 2, 2021 | couples, marriage
Communicate, Communicate some more, And Now Again!
I never meet couples in my practice who over communicate. Instead I meet couples who make wrong assumptions about one another, stonewall and say things like “what’s the point” or “nothing I say matters”, fight to win.
Sounds like you? It’s o.k. and even beneficial for your relationship to fight as long as it’s done with intention to gain closeness or increase understanding. Unfortunately couples get lost in the power struggle that is created. How it comes about no-one knows but they know they are in the middle of it. It feels like a cob web, you don’t see it as you are walking through the forest but you sure know you walked right into it. Getting out of the web or power struggle is a struggle on its own. You promise yourself to not repeat a mistake but nevertheless find ourself battling for control. Who started it – anyone’s guess. Who ends it – either one can.
There is a theory, not sure who to attribute it too, that we enter into a committed relationship with someone who inadvertently picks on our wounds. They don’t mean to do it but they do it. Ever point out a bruise to your significant other just to have them push on it? They are trying to confirm the visual and accidentally do it too hard. From a relationship stand point, let’s say Partner A feels anxious if a fight is not immediately repaired and they marry Partner B who needs time to process. When Partner B asks for time they are not trying to punish or reject Partner A and yet that is exactly how it feels. So who should sacrifice their needs?
Maybe no one needs too. A great tool is for both partners to validate their needs in an exaggerated way. So in this instance Partner A would say “I know you need time to process and despite my fear of being apart during this time I will wait for you”. Partner B should validate and offer up something to comfort Partner A “I appreciate you acknowledging my need, let’s talk in 2 hours”. At this point it is vital for Partner B to stick to that promise. In absence of following through on this commitment betrayal and mistrust will start to grow.
The example above sounds very forced and formal. This is not how you will continue to speak but sometimes when learning a new skill exaggeration helps. Remember when you started to drive and you were very mechanical in checking rear view mirror and then paying attention to the road and then checking side mirrors and so on. Think of retraining yourself as learning to drive. Yes it is mechanical but the results are worth it. Slowly natural patterns will set in and trust and attunement will be second nature.
Try these communication tools:
- Speak with good intention
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- Is your intention to win an argument or be understood
- Validate what your spouse just said even if you disagree.
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- Validation is not an apology or an agreement, simply restate what your partner said
- Speak slowly and for short period of time
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- Your partner can’t process or remember a monologue
- Use ‘I Statements’
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- I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to not accuse but merely share a feeling
- Stay on topic
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- The flood gates have opened up and you are finally talking but practice self restraint and stay focused on one topic until a resolution has been reached
In my subsequent blogs I will share the second part of healthy communication practices. For now see if you can incorporate these 5 into your relationship. These tips are beneficial not just for romantic partners but for platonic and professional relationships as well.
Please visit www.new.truemecounseling.com to learn more about me or follow me on Instagram @marina.on.marriage. Feel free to leave comments or ask follow up questions. Happy Coupling!
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“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart.”
—Helen Keller
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Jul 9, 2020 | couples, divorce, marriage
So you have been with your spouse for quite a while, it’s normal to assume you know how they will act, think, or even feel in a specific situation. But how well do you really know your partner? Take the Gottman quiz to find out.
More often than not, acting like you can guess what your partner might be thinking isn’t the most productive thing to do. Mind reading can create a bigger issue. You may wind up spiraling into a whirlwind of stress and pessimism that snowballs into a major clash. This conflict can keep you from learning the truth about your partner’s feelings and keep you stuck in gridlock situations. Not giving your partner the benefit of the doubt will drive you further and further apart.
So what is one to do? Assume the best about your spouse.
Giving the Benefit of the Doubt is One of the Most Powerful Tools
Would you be able to think about a circumstance where you didn’t assume the best about your spouse? You stirred yourself up… and afterward felt amazingly humiliated when the reality of the situation was uncovered. You didn’t have anything to stress over in any case!
Assuming the best about your spouse not just causes you to stay away from these emotions, it advances trust and tolerance in your relationship. It shields your spouse from becoming defensive. It shows them that you value and respect them.
Also, if a past negative suspicion was accurate, it lets them see that you accept their ability to change and improve. Your spouse will feel closer to you and progressively valued by you. Which is probably going to make them assume the best about you, as well.
So how would you train yourself to assume the positive instead of the negative?
How about you switch places (in Imago terms it’s called visiting each others country).
For example, you’re running late for dinner. Your telephone dies; you’re trapped in rush hour gridlock, the unexpected client shows up….Sounds familiar and possible?
Eventually, you show up at the restaurant, late, tired, and hungry. Your spouse promptly treats you with complete disdain. Or even better accuses you of being vindictive and not caring. You attempt to clarify, yet they won’t have it! Is there any good reason why they shouldn’t trust what you are saying?
It truly hurts when a spouse doesn’t assume the best about you. When both people show up as their best selves – the relationship benefits.
Channel empathy towards your mate. They are playing for the same team as you. When something upsets you, be open to accepting your loved ones’ subjective reality. Simply enquire about what happened to make them late. Don’t challenge their decisions or offer alternative options. This already happened and simply enjoy the present moment.
See the situation from your spouse’s perspective. Accept that they are attempting their best and mean well. Different approaches to life are not wrong, just different. Sometimes negative feelings can flood us and our best efforts at dismissing them do not work. Try softly addressing the problem from a solution mindset.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Apr 29, 2020 | affair, couples, marriage
How much is too much to share with family and friends about problems in your marriage?
When you first meet someone you run to your friends and family and tell them about this great human that just entered your life. You look forward to introducing them and then hold a debriefing session, feverishly taking in their opinions and observations. You hold onto their every word, ask them for advice on how to proceed in situation X, and analyze your new found loves actions with your mates. confiding in friends about problems in marriage
After several months your love’s imperfections start to surface. You have your first fight. You might even ‘take a break’ to figure things out. Friends and family are there by your side the entire time. They help you figure out what is a deal breaker or how to help your boyfriend/girlfriend see your view point – because if they saw it from your perspective of course they would succumb to your influence. The input of your inner circle is crucial at this stage of relationship.
In front of community at large you take your vows and commit to each other for life. After a couple of years the novelty of married life has worn off and real problems and grid lock situations emerge. So what do you do? You go back to what worked to begin with, you start seeking counsel of your inner circle that helped you at the onset of your relationship.
Traditional marriage is designed to be exclusive – a unique dyad that provides a safe confidential place for each spouses heart to live. When a third party is consistently brought into the relationship, safety and sanctity of the relationship gets disturbed. It is almost impossible for your tribe to offer unbiased advice. After all they are loyal and committed to you and therefore see you through rose colored glasses. The chances a Mother will tell her daughter how unreasonable she is, are pretty low.
Yet we are social beings and need to process situations and feelings out loud. So what is one to do. One obvious answer is to find a couples counselor who can help you both find solutions to unresolved issues or guide your communication to a cleaner and healthier path. But we still want to open up to people we love and pour our hearts out to those that care about us. For the record I strongly advise against airing dirty laundry in public. Confiding to your support system sounds like a good idea at the time but can drive a wedge between your spouse and you. They might feel betrayed and ambushed. Feelings of shame can surface prior to family gatherings which would effect your spouses desire to socialize. Please take all of this into consideration prior to opening up.
In 2014 research (1) by Kirsten Lind Seal for University of Minnesota showed that 73.3% of U.S. adults reported ever having been a confidant to someone with a couple relationship problem, while 62.6% had themselves confided in someone about a relationship problem. “Women were more likely to be confidants than men, as were individuals with more education. The most common confiding relationship was between friends, followed by siblings. Confidants had a wide range of marital problems brought them, including common issues such as disagreements over money along with serious issues such as infidelity and divorce.” So now that we established we shouldn’t confide in others about our marital distress, but majority of us do, how to do it without ruining our marriage.
Best Practices of Confiding
- Set your intention in receiving help and guidance
- Find a confidant that is non-judgmental, supportive listener and offers alternative perspective
- Avoid spouse bashing
- Brainstorm solutions not just regurgitate the problem
- Tell your spouse ahead of time that this is happening to avoid an unpleasant surprise
- Share the gist of what is upsetting not the dirty details
- Limit sharing to one person
Prioritize your marriage by dealing with your problems together. If you’ve already confided about your partner to others, don’t despair it’s not too late to make things better. Consider circling back to your confidant and mention some of the things you appreciate about your partner. At times we may feel hopeless that things can get better. As a marriage and family therapist for 15 years I can tell you that I have seen couples make huge turnarounds by putting effort and time into their love. It takes commitment to see how each of you contribute to the relationship from a negative and positive position.
Marina Edelman is a Licensed Psychotherapist in private practice for 15 years. She has helped countless couples design fulfilling beautiful relationships using Gottman Method along with Emotional Focused Therapy to create long lasting results. She has been published in Huffington Post and most recently quoted in The Lily (subsidiary of Washington Post).
(1) https://conservancy.umn.edu/bitstream/handle/11299/182758/Seal_umn_0130E_15233.pdf?sequence=1
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Apr 3, 2020 | Blog, couples, marriage
Sitcoms lead us to believe that women pretend to have headaches to avoid sex. But more and more often I encounter couples where the man is either not interested or is unable to perform sexually.
Whether it’s you or your spouse who doesn’t want to initiate sex, falling into the trap of a sexless marriage is dangerous. It can lead to depression, unhappiness in your marriage, and both physical and emotional affairs. About 15-20% of people are in a sexless marriage — and sometimes they don’t even know why.
It’s easy to blame busy schedules and lack of time, but you can always schedule in time to be intimate. So what is leading to all these platonic marriages? And how do you bring passion back?
What leads to a sexless marriage?
Between work and kids and life, it’s easy to come up with excuses for not wanting to be intimate with your spouse. But the longer it continues, the harder it can be to reconnect and feel passionate again.
The quicker you can determine what’s causing your lack of intimacy, the faster you can work on fixing the problem.
Medical problems
Medical problems are a good place to start when it comes to determining why you or your partner have zero libido. Often hormone deficiencies like low testosterone can lower your sex drive.
Loss of libido is also linked to conditions like depression, high blood pressure, and diabetes. Certain medications, including antidepressants, can cause you to lose interest in sex.
Stress
Stress makes you feel sluggish, which in turn affects your metabolism and weight and inadvertently leads to poor body image. Stress also affects your body by overproducing a hormone called cortisol that directly reduces your libido.
Emotional disconnection
People often think that a loss of interest in sex means their partner is no longer physically attracted to them. But reduced attraction usually has less to do with appearance and more to do with unexpressed and unresolved unhappiness in the relationship or marriage. When you feel emotionally detached from your partner, it’s hard to want to be physically intimate.
Lack of romance
This can go hand-in-hand with emotional disconnection. A lack of romance often leads to a lack of intimacy. If you think back to when your relationship first started, there were probably a lot of romantic gestures that made you feel close to and engaged by your partner. When these go away, it can be harder to feel the excitement and connection that lead to sex.
Poor communication
Unless you talk to your partner about how their lack of interest affects you, they may have no idea. Failing to communicate your needs and desires can directly impact how often you have sex.
Fixing a sexless marriage
Maybe you haven’t had sex with your spouse for months, or even years. Once you get into the routine of not having sex, it can seem impossible to fix. But you can find your way back to each other and reignite connection and passion in your relationship.
The first thing to do is talk. Talk about your sexual needs and how they aren’t being fulfilled. Just the act of talking alone can lead to the closeness and connection that may have been missing.
Learn to reduce your stress. Stress management is an important step in bringing intimacy back into your relationship. When you can let go of some of those things that bring you the most stress, you leave yourself more open to spend time with your partner and be relaxed.
Check in with your doctor. Get a check up at the doctor to rule out underlying medical conditions or have your meds changed. Once medical problems are ruled out, then issues such as stress, mood, and marital satisfaction can be addressed.
Get counseling. Talking through issues of intimacy may be hard for you or your partner for many reasons. Connecting with a couples therapist can help you learn to talk about the issues that have led to your sexless marriage and help you find ways to be intimate again. Tools like Gottman’s online marriage assessment can help me quickly hone in on issues in your marriage. Together, we can work on addressing those issues so you feel closer again.
Bring back the romance. Romance doesn’t have to be grand gestures or long weekends away. Those may not even be possible if you have a demanding job and kids. Romance could be laughing with your partner for a few minutes every night, picking up your spouse’s favorite food for dinner, or spending time on the patio listening to your favorite songs.
Change the emphasis. Men’s sexuality is often defined by society and themselves as the ability to perform on demand. If they can’t achieve an erection or climax, men often develop performance anxiety and become withdrawn, angry, or suppress sexual desires. Women often need more emotional connection when it comes to sex and may feel even more detached and self-conscious if they can’t get aroused as quickly as they once did.
Removing the emphasis from intercourse and refocusing on things like cuddling, foreplay, and flirting reduces the pressure and allows you to redefine your sexuality in a different context. By replacing intercourse with physical and emotional intimacy, a couple can actually reinvigorate their sex life and bring romance back into their marriage.
Don’t despair. If you’re with a compassionate, loving partner your sexless marriage can be transformed to a hot one in no time!
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Aug 8, 2019 | affair, couples, divorce, marriage
Women cheat and have affairs. They do. Even though it’s not as talked about as men, and in some ways, a lot more unacceptable in society, women do cheat. Why? Usually when women have their eyes set on their guy, it’s forever. She will stick by her man through thick and thin. So what would make a woman turn her back on her life with her current partner, and stray?
Below are various reasons why this would happen
- Women sometimes feel underappreciated, neglected, or ignored. Inadvertently, they feel more like a housekeeper, or nanny, than a wife or girlfriend. So they seek validation of their true selves outside of their current relationship. They want to be valued not for their casseroles, but for being women.
- They crave intimacy. Women tend to feel a connection to their significant other through other ways that does not involve sex. Situations that involve talking, having fun together, building a home and social life together usually make up their definition of intimacy. So when they don’t have this, they feel disconnected.
- She is not fulfilled by her current situation and feels overwhelmed and stressed. Studies have shown that even though some women were in very healthy, loving relationships, life’s stressors triggered a need to stray outside of their marriage.
- Loneliness can lead to affairs. Women can experience loneliness in a relationship for any number of reasons. Maybe their spouse works long hours or travels for business on a regular basis, or maybe their spouse is emotionally unavailable. When this happens, women will try to fill the void elsewhere.
- Unrealistic expectations. They expect their significant other to meet their every need 24/7, 365 days a year, and when that doesn’t happen, they seek attention elsewhere. They want it all, they need it all. All the attention, all the time. This is probably feeding into some kind of insecurity issue – or codependency issue that they may have.
- Childhood or early adulthood abuse. Sometimes women who experienced profound early-life (or adult) trauma, especially sexual trauma, will re-enact that trauma as a way of trying to master or control it.
- They’re not having enough satisfying sex at home. Not only men enjoy sex, this is a common misconception. Women also enjoy sex, and will seek it elsewhere if it’s not being given at home. Sex should be fun, and common, in a relationship. It’s a deep intimacy that allows partners to fully explore and connect to each other.
Women stray too. That’s a fact. When the needs of woman is not met, she will also find them elsewhere. At the end of the day, we are all human. Men, women, all humans. And we need to feel that love and connection, that desire, with our partner. We need to feel like they are all in, as we all should be. GIving love, support, and helping each other grow. Without the connection between two people, the relationship is sort of stagnant, and not growing. When a relationship grows stagnant, it becomes suffocating. Which will develop a need for a person to want to seek other means of love and connection elsewhere.
There is a way to affair proof your relationship. If you are considering betraying your partner, see a therapist first. Therapy can help you understand what is driving your unhappiness and come up with ways to talk to your partner about lack of fulfillment. Some things cannot be undone – an affair is one of them. Managing your impulses will help you not feel guilt and shame in the long run.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Aug 1, 2019 | affair, Blog, couples
When we are newly married, happy, and carefree, usually a time before children are in our lives, the thought of an affair seems impossible! Why would anyone stray from this marriage? This person? The person you married is incredible, sexy, and fun!
However, a few years down the line could potentially paint a different picture! Imagine your beautiful, sexy, fun wife as a tired, rundown, working mother with a full time job and a toddler. OR is she a stay at home mom with multiple schedules, children, a newborn baby, and a house to take care of! A husband who feels like he doesn’t see himself in his wife’s eyes anymore. A husband who feels insecure and invisible to his wife when the kids are involved.
Sometimes in a marriage, the fun disappears. The validation disappears. You no longer feel wanted or needed by your spouse. Or you feel insignificant as a person, and you are no longer receiving the validation and security that you used to feel from your spouse. So you stray.
This is a three part series. Next blog will explore in greater detail why do women and men cheat. Some reasons overlap and some are unique to the gender.
In marriage, there are three different reasons why people have affairs.
- When affairs begin, a person is falling in love with an imagined way of life, an imaginary person who they think will fill their needs.
- Affairs signify validation, and the need to be wanted or needed by another person.
- That “NEW” feeling. The beginning of something exciting, and also the need to be bad sometimes is very alluring. Usually the need to be in a situation that is considered taboo, and the thought of getting “caught” brings excitement to one’s life. But the feelings of others involved is not usually considered.
What can we do to prevent an affair from destroying our marriage?
- Appreciate your partner/spouse
- Be intimate – not just with sex. Share your innermost desires and thoughts with each other.
- Be empathetic – sometimes the most you can do is listen and provide an empathetic ear.
- Support each other’s friendships outside of the marriage – we need friendship.
- Grow together! Personal growth is necessary in all stages of life, support each other through your personal growth journey.
- NO subject is off limits – talk about everything, anything, all the time! Communication is Key!
- Be Active together! Find an activity that you both enjoy and want to do together regularly.
- Independence – this is important! Have a life outside of your marriage that features all the things that make you, YOU!
The most important thing to remember is that an affair usually means a deep longing for your own identity. A sense of self. You are not getting something that you used to from your spouse – validation. You can give yourself validation, so that your spouse no longer has to provide that for you, and you will also not have a longing to stray! Be good to yourselves and each other. Remember the person you were that your spouse fell in love with, and remember your spouse and the good times you had in the past. The memory of those good times can help to rekindle a flame that is dying out. The validation of knowing who you are and gaining the security you need can help you to fix anything that may be breaking up your marriage.
Couples counseling
Couples counseling can help prevent affairs before they start, but it can also help heal from an affair. Understanding the unique needs of each couple and creating marriage 2.0 is my strength. Contact me to find out how I can help create a relationship of your dreams!
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Mar 21, 2019 | Blog, couples
A complete guide for couples who are ready to move in
There comes a time in every relationship when you decide that you are spending a lot of time together and sharing a tremendous amount of sleepovers. When this comes to a realization, then there is a big decision that needs to be made….do we move in together?
What do you consider when making this big decision? When is the right time? How do we combine our finances, space, and time?
So when IS the right time to move in together? There are some signs that could lead you in the right direction.
SIGNS YOU ARE READY TO MOVE IN TOGETHER
- You understand your partner, they understand you, and you both aware of and understand each others habits.
- You are comfortable discussing money and finances together.
- It’s getting a little inconvenient NOT to move in together. (Sleepovers and living out of a gym bag is not fun.)
- You both understand that it will be tough.
- You’re both completely independent.
- You make quality time for each other.
- You are both great at solving problems and talking out disagreements.
If you checked off more than a few of these signs you are golden!
When moving in together, I’ve put together a couple of different lists that include tips that can help you along the way.
THINGS TO CONSIDER
- Understand that your life is about to change DRAMATICALLY.
- You’re essentially married now, and will need to consider another person’s opinion of your finances, your schedule, your time, etc.
- Privacy will be non-existent. (Even bathroom time can be interrupted.)
- Chores are to be split evenly, the house will not clean itself, and it’s unfair to rely on your partner to keep the house clean.
- You will need to ASK for your alone time. It’s not going to be an automatic, natural, thing to have.
- You will need to learn how to solve your disagreements in the best, amicable way possible.
- There is an art to combining space and finances. It’s personal to everyone, you and your partner will have to figure out what works best for you.
TIPS TO COMBINING FINANCES
- Keep ONE account solely for paying bills (a “Bill-Pay” account) where both of you deposit money into for paying bills.
- You should both sit down every payday and discuss bills that are due, and expenses, together.
- Keep separate accounts for yourselves, but be open, honest, and give your partner access to your account.
TIPS TO COMBINING TIME AND SCHEDULES
It’s easy to forget that when you RSVP for any event, you must consider the schedule and time of the person you are sharing your life with. Here are some tips to help along the way.
- Sit every saturday or sunday and go over scheduling for the following week. Events, appointments, work, etc. Make sure that you are both on the same page.
- Use a calendar app, like google calendar, etc. and combine it for the use of you and your partner. Include your partner whenever you are scheduling a last minute appointment or event.
In conclusion, moving in together can be an exciting and joyous time full of possibilities and new ways to explore each other and be part of each other’s lives! But remember that it’s also difficult to combine two lives and two personalities, into one household. So be kind, understanding, and compassionate.
