by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Jan 16, 2019 | Blog, Uncategorized
When I went back to school to get my masters to become a therapist, I was married with two small children. Part of my training involved reflecting on my family of origin and my nuclear family. My parents and step parents were very eager to help me recall nuances of my childhood and adolescent life. They were open to be analyzed and accepted their successes and failures.
I then turned my attention to my nuclear family. I began examining my children based on birth order, gender, type of pregnancy etc. My husband was a willing participant in putting our children and our parenting of them under a microscope. We changed from using a discipline model to organic consequences and saw positive changes.
Our marriage was and still is solid, so I turned the spotlight on him and us. There was a specific incident that I remember happened during a semester where I was learning to diagnose using DSM IV. During an argument I switched from arguing as a spouse and put on my therapist hat and disassociated from ‘US’. I felt very powerful in being able to see my husband as a client and quickly maneuvered in the argument to position my self as the winner.
This did not go over very well with him. Although not in the mental health field, he was a formidable opponent and called me out. Initially I resisted his assessment and continued to stand on my soap box. After a few more altercations of this sort, I realized that my marriage was suffering because I was not connecting with him but more looking at him as a client for whom I have unconditional positive regard but not love or true emotional connection with.
That was a turning point and I stopped being a therapist in my personal life. I expanded that to cover my friends, children and other family members. My practice is very fulfilling and I am able to create boundaries for myself to easily transition from Therapist to Civilian.
As a Gottman Level II therapist I attract a lot of couples. After session they tend to use therapy as a weapon in their fights by either quoting me or using what their partner shared, in a vulnerable state, against them. I strongly caution against that. This is one of the main reasons I see couples dropping out of counseling prematurely and not getting the help they need.
Talking about how the session went is common and healthy. Have a safe conversation by showing appreciation for transparency and validate your partners concerns. Your relationship will thank you!
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Nov 17, 2016 | Blog, couples
When we are in a relationship with our spouse or significant other, we often fall into the trap of believing that it is supposed to be hard. After all, anything worth having is worth working for, right? Couples who have begun to struggle start to think that relationships are meant to be hard, until they realize that there are a number of simple solutions available.
Marriage counseling is always a great way to mend any fences that have been damaged in a relationship. Relationships can seem difficult when we are the ones who are forced to deal with the ups and downs on an everyday basis, since it can become hard to see the bigger picture. Being immersed in the smaller details of a relationship has a way of doing that to us.
By being willing to head to counseling and engage in therapy, we can learn more about our relationship from an outsider’s perspective. A marriage or relationship counselor is not there to take sides or assign blame to one party or another. Their job is to listen to what both sides have to say and provide them with the tools that they need to make their future disagreements more productive.
Having a relationship that is 100 percent free of arguments is essentially impossible and there is no real way to do so. Arguments are how couples grow together and learn more about one another, as opposed to couples who avoid them completely, allowing themselves to slowly grow apart over the course of their relationship.
Therapy teaches us how to have these arguments in a way that helps us to better understand each other and it also teaches us how to walk a mile in the other person’s shoes. We often lack a certain amount of empathy in our relationships and when we engage in therapeutic exercises, it gives us the chance to take a look at things through our partner’s point of view.
Relationships do not have to be hard, but that does not mean that either member of a couple should expect their relationship to run smoothly without putting in any sort of effort. Couples who wish to make their efforts count should rely on the assistance of an experienced therapist, so that they can sort through all of their assorted feelings and emotions without endangering the connection that they’ve built.
If you find that you and your significant other or spouse is struggling to communicate, you’ll want to make changes immediately. Don’t make the mistake of believing that you can work through every problem without assistance. We all need help sometimes and with couples therapy, the issues that you are currently going through can become a thing of the past.
https://www.new.truemecounseling.com/couples-counseling/
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Oct 27, 2016 | Uncategorized
Love is something that is supposed to grow with time if you foster and care for it in the right way. Even though passion can easily fade, it is supposed to be love that becomes stronger with time. If you are in a marriage that leaves you feeling miserable, you may be one of many feeling trapped in a Loveless Marriage. A loveless marriage is one that is only a matter of convenience and is not one that is filled with admiration, care and love. Staying in a loveless marriage is not the right choice, you need to identify what a loveless marriage looks like and implement ways to change it.
Here are the tips to follow when you determine that you are in a Loveless Marriage:
Divorce is Not the Automatic Solution
Many people assume that when they are trapped in a loveless marriage that the only real answer is to get a divorce. However, it is important to note that a divorce is not an easy fix. This is not something that will magically make you happy again. You need to view divorce as a last resort and the option that you choose when all else fails. This means that divorce should not be the only thing that is on your mind when you are dealing with a loveless marriage.
Make an Effort
The most important thing that you can do when you know that you are dealing with a loveless marriage is to make a real effort. This means that you need to try and bring back feelings that enticed you to choose your spouse to begin with. Those feelings might be buried deep down. This means that you should be able to rekindle the love that was once there. Schedule date nights, add humor to everyday chores, and complement each other. Reevaluate after a month and see if your feelings are improving.
Look Within
You also need to make sure that you do not make the mistake of blaming your loss of love on your partner only. You need to take your fair share of the responsibility. This is the only way that you will be able to have a marriage that is filled with long lasting love. There are most likely things that you are doing that have contributed over time to the lack of love. You need to be willing to find out what these things are and make real changes. Consider how critical or judgmental you are when your partner makes a mistake. Do you accept his/her influence and attempts at repair after an argument?
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Jul 31, 2015 | Blog
[heading animation=”” color=”” type=”1″ align=”left”]Work smart not hard on your relationship[/heading]
Very often during pre-marital counseling couples will ask me, individually, “Should we be working this hard?”. Maybe a better question “is the effort worth the reward?”. It’s hard to stay motivated if your efforts are not paying of. Weigh the pros and cons and decide of it is worth while investing time into your relationship. Ideally there should be a balance just like with anything else – work hard and play hard. Pick a partner with whom you like yourself and who challenges you but in a respectful kind way. Identify problems that you seem gridlocked in and think about how it would be to live with them permanently. They might get resolved but don’t commit to a relationship thinking you will change your partner.
Assuming you agreed to work on your relationship here are smart daily exercises to get you started:
- Continue to learn about your partner by engaging in deeper open ended questions.
- Openly share your admiration of your loved one in the form of compliments or vulnerable observations.
- Attune to your significant others need for attention and give generously
- When your partners intentions are unclear assume they are positive.
