by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Feb 12, 2019 | Blog, couples, divorce
Empty Nest syndrome is defined as sadness or emotional distress that will affect parents whose children have grown up and left home. This usually happens when children leave home to go to college, get married, and the very last one has left home and moved away.
Who can be vulnerable to this? Well, basically any parent facing an empty home when their children are growing up and leaving the “nest” – so to speak. If you have children, it’s inevitable and is something that couples will have to face sooner or later.
So what are the challenges and how do couples overcome these challenges?
Challenge #1 – Neglect
One of the bigger challenges is that couples have neglected their marriage for so many years that they no longer know how to act like a couple with no children in the home to care for. Their entire lives were spent catering to and caring for their children. So when the children leave home, they are left with essentially, a stranger. They don’t know their partner in this whole new light.
Activities have revolved around the children for so many years, their birthdays, sports, school plays, etc.
So when all that is done….what’s next??
You have to get to know your partner all over again! You have to re-learn likes, dislikes, quirks, and it can be a struggle.
Challenge #2 – Feeling Differently
Another challenge is that two people who are married may have different views on empty nest syndrome altogether. One may have a feeling of relief and joy, while the other will have a feeling of despair and loneliness.
If one partner is experiencing a different kind of empty nest syndrome and may be adjusting better or appreciating life without children in the home, then there might be feelings that are brought to the surface of the marriage, such as tension and bitterness.
Challenge #3 – Worrying About the Children
Anxiety and worry about the children being so far away is another challenge that couples face. The worry alone is a stressor that can put a dark cloud over any marriage. Peace is not really something that is experienced in a household full of worry and anxiety. One partner may worry more than the other, and again, feelings of bitterness and tension will arise.
So how do couples overcome this?
- Try to reconnect together as a couple! Find things that are enjoyable for both parties and do them together! Hobbies, date nights, dinners, movies, anything!
- Ease the worry and tension by understanding how both parties feel! Show empathy towards the partner that is feeling more worry, and more despair, and try your best to help them through this period so that they don’t feel alone.
- Create a plan for reconnecting and stick to it! Weekly date nights, daily phone calls, brunch on the weekends, the possibilities are endless
- Try not to worry so much about your children! It’s difficult to do, but the task at hand is to make your marriage stronger so that you both can be there to support your adult children when they need you.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Oct 22, 2018 | Blog
What do we all have in common? That we secretly love gossip. We love hearing it and passing it on. We spend millions to read gossip even when we know it’s not true. So why do we gossip, read Stanford research: Hidden benefits of gossip, ostracism.
Top 5 Benefits of Gossip
- Entertain each other
- Learn from others’ mistakes
- Relieves Stress
- It makes us feel good about ourselves
- It’s a form of self-protection.
#gossip #therapy #stress
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Oct 15, 2018 | Blog
Monday Marriage Tip…compliment your partner. According to Gottman research a healthy relationship has a 5:1 ratio. Five positive to one negative comment. Infuse your relationship with compliments and you both will benefit.
This act of kindness increases serotonin for both the giver and receiver which leads to increased productivity, decreased stress, and more harmony. Make it part of your routine and watch the bickering between you subside.
#marriage #couples #argument #therapy #therapist #marriagecounseling
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Oct 4, 2018 | Blog
Mediation is very useful to resolve family disputes, facilitate divorce, and help with co-parenting among other things. As a mediator I connect my clients with professionals that can assist with understanding tax implications, appraisals, and legal forms. This is done to help all parties come up with an agreement they can live with instead of living with an agreement the law says they should accept. One of the most important elements of mediation is closure. Besides figuring out distribution of tangible and intangible property, my clients comment on how closure helps them move on and let go of emotional attachments they have towards possessions.
#mediation #couples #family #therapy
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Aug 20, 2018 | Blog
SOMETIMES TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE THERAPY ISN’T THE ANSWER
For many couples, the idea of weekly marriage therapy feels too intense. Oftentimes, both spouses are secretly looking for a judge who will tell them who is right. The effectiveness of any couples therapy is dependent upon each spouse’s willingness to focus on themselves and admit they need to modify or alter their behavior or belief system. Doing this in the presence of their partner can trigger feelings of shame and guilt. They might not know what they are experiencing but facing an ugly truth and agreeing in front of a stranger that they need to change is daunting.
To address this fear and help high conflict couples who are triggered by one another, I suggest to keep ‘relationship’ as my client but see each partner individually for a period of time. By helping de-position each spouse and address individual issues they can come back together ready to accept each other’s influence.
Common Issues that require individual couples work:
- Affair Recovery
- Chronic conflict
- Substance Abuse
- Intimacy Issues
- Career Problems
- Life transitions
- Extended Families
- Mood Disorders – anxiety, depression, anger
Confidentiality is discussed and steps are taken to make sure that “secrets” emerging from individual sessions do not obstruct the relationship. I abide by the Open Secrets Policy and help each party understand that in due time important elements need to be shared but not everything. I find that this approach creates safety and structure that nurtures openness and transparency. Since the goal is to help the couple, I help the individual work through each situation in a judgement free way to be available to hear their partner and re-engage in the marriage.
I use the Gottman Model in working with couples. I initially meet with the couple to gather history, assess goals, and identify any areas of current difficulty. I then invite both parties to individually complete the online Gottman couples assessment*. Upon completion I meet with each partner individually to gather personal history and assess individual struggles. Finally, we come together to review their strengths and weaknesses.
At times I refer out for individual work. If one is struggling with their career and that stress is brought home then maybe working with an executive coach is important. Substance use/abuse can get in the way of connecting and therefore a referral to AA or drug counselor is important.
I am a pro-marriage therapist and believe all options need to be exhausted prior to calling an end to a marriage. Sometimes that means being creative or unconventional. In the end if both individuals are fulfilled and committed to one another then the hard work was worth it. Shame and individual struggles shouldn’t get in the way of keeping your relationship in tact. Feel free to contact me for couples work at 818.851.1293
*The Gottman Couples Assessment accurately evaluates relationship trouble spots as well as strengths, and provides personalized tools to create effective interventions. This assessment is geared towards all stages of relationships, whether new relationship, premarital, or marital. The Gottman Couples Assessment is 480 questions in 5 unique sections.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Dec 21, 2017 | Blog, parenting
Guest Blogger and associate Fred Rosenbloom shares his experience in bringing a newborn home during the holidays.
We were looking forward to bringing our newborn home during the holidays, until we actually did and regretfully declined one holiday soirée after another.
When the doctor told me and my wife that her due date for giving birth was going to be November 21st, just before Thanksgiving, we were very excited at the idea of bringing a newborn baby home just in time for the holiday season. As this would be our second child, my wife felt that having the baby before Thanksgiving would allow her to be present with friends and family from out of town instead of worrying about going into labor at the dinner table. Meanwhile, I was looking forward to being able to enjoy all the yummy food at Thanksgiving, and at the Hanukkah and Christmas parties that would follow.
As it turned out, our baby boy was born six days before Thanksgiving and my wife and new baby spent three days in the post partum recovery room, leaving only three days before Thanksgiving for us to adjust to life back at home with a new baby and a toddler. We had already been mentally preparing to lose sleep, change a lot of diapers, and drink extra coffee, especially to keep up with the energy level of our two year old daughter during the day. What we weren’t prepared for, and didn’t expect to happen, was missing out on the family Thanksgiving dinner, followed by saying no to almost all of the Hanukkah and Christmas party invitations.
On Thanksgiving Day, unfortunately my wife wasn’t feeling well and spent most of the afternoon and evening at urgent care to make sure she was ok, while I stayed home with our two children. Thankfully, our family brought us food, but we felt lonely and sad to miss out on spending the holiday with them. Two weeks after Thanksgiving, we decided we would try to attend a formal Hanukkah gala in the evening. Unexpectedly, our babysitter got sick the night before and we couldn’t find a backup. We decided we’d try bringing both children to the gala. Luckily we were seated at a table in the back of the ballroom, but between socializing with family and friends, my wife breastfeeding our newborn, and me chasing our daughter around the hotel lobby, when we finally arrived home at midnight, we looked at each other and decided that maybe we should just be homebodies for a few months, at least during the night time.
Saying no to family and friends during the holidays has been perhaps more difficult than any other time of the year, maybe because it’s considered by many to be a time of giving and a time to be with family. Whether it’s giving gifts, or giving of our time, we feel obligated to say yes, and feel guilty when we say no, especially when family members express disappointment that we won’t be at family gatherings, and family from out of town wants to see the new baby. Perhaps the fear of missing out on good times and feeling isolated if we say no, combined with worry about future invitations, only adds to the challenge of saying “no” this holiday season.
In order to accommodate seeing our family and friends, we’ve decided that they will have to come visit us during this holiday season. In doing this, we’ve set clear boundaries to help us manage those guilty feelings and fears while at the same time created realistic opportunities to see friends and family. Rather than responding to an invitation by saying “we’ll try to be there”, which is basically avoiding and postponing saying “no”, we let them know we’d love to be there, explain our situation, and suggest that maybe in a few months we can meet outside of our home, and also to please come over as it is difficult for us to go out to socialize right now.
Saying “no” isn’t easy, and, in general, there are many things to which we say “yes” during the day in order to avoid conflict and uncomfortable feelings. Thankfully, there are some good books to help with feeling more assertive and comfortable with saying the dreaded word, “no”.
Boundaries Updated and Expanded Ediction: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life, by Cloud and Townsend
The Power of No: Because One Little Word Can Bring Health, Abundance, and Happiness, by Altucher and Altucher
As our children grow, we anticipate that our boundaries will change and that we’ll be able to say yes to invitations more often than we currently say no. Hopefully next year, we look forward to being able to gather around at the Thanksgiving table with our children, family, and friends, but maybe we’ll skip the holiday parties for just one more year.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Mar 1, 2017 | Blog, couples, Uncategorized
How To Protect Your Relationship From Affairs
Many marriages end up in divorce when a couple is caught having affairs. Security and trust are easily destroyed. Thankfully, couples who decide to stay and go through counseling regain that sense of security and trust again. To protect your marriage or relationship and have a happy one, you need to make it affair-proof.
How to affair-proof your relationship:
1. Talk About Fidelity and What it Means to you
Ensure that you talk to your partner about fidelity, how important it is to you, and how it would affect you and the marriage if there is ever a betrayal. Your partner might not know how important it is to you or what your reactions towards it might be. It is more difficult to cheat when there is a continuous discussion about faithfulness and your feelings towards it.
2. Keep your Sex Life Active and Exciting
Feeling neglected, tolerated or unwanted can be a big push into someone else’s bed. Don’t allow your sex life to sink gradually and feel there won’t be any consequence. Show your partner that you desire him/her by accepting advances and being playful.
3. Ensure That your Relationship is Intimate
Sometimes, affairs happen because someone is feeling disconnected or angry. Use that passion to turn towards your partner instead of away by sharing intimate thoughts and feelings.
4. Keep Things Romantic
Don’t let your partners daydream about a candlelight dinner or a trip to Paris with someone else because they know you won’t do it. Say sweet things like “I love you,” “I miss you,” “I am so fortunate because I have you.” Yes! All these mushy things don’t go out of style.
5. Spend Time Together
When couples stay with each other for a long time, they tend to get too busy and have little time for each other. Spending too much time with friends instead of your spouse can make it easy for someone else to step in. If you feel the connection between you and your spouse is wearing off, it is time to change things quickly.
6. Stay Away From Temptation
You are always going to meet someone more attractive than your spouse; it may be a neighbor, co-worker, high school sweetheart. Avoid that person or any comprising situation that might lead you into temptation.
