by Marina Edelman, LMFT | May 2, 2021 | couples, marriage
Communicate, Communicate some more, And Now Again!
I never meet couples in my practice who over communicate. Instead I meet couples who make wrong assumptions about one another, stonewall and say things like “what’s the point” or “nothing I say matters”, fight to win.
Sounds like you? It’s o.k. and even beneficial for your relationship to fight as long as it’s done with intention to gain closeness or increase understanding. Unfortunately couples get lost in the power struggle that is created. How it comes about no-one knows but they know they are in the middle of it. It feels like a cob web, you don’t see it as you are walking through the forest but you sure know you walked right into it. Getting out of the web or power struggle is a struggle on its own. You promise yourself to not repeat a mistake but nevertheless find ourself battling for control. Who started it – anyone’s guess. Who ends it – either one can.
There is a theory, not sure who to attribute it too, that we enter into a committed relationship with someone who inadvertently picks on our wounds. They don’t mean to do it but they do it. Ever point out a bruise to your significant other just to have them push on it? They are trying to confirm the visual and accidentally do it too hard. From a relationship stand point, let’s say Partner A feels anxious if a fight is not immediately repaired and they marry Partner B who needs time to process. When Partner B asks for time they are not trying to punish or reject Partner A and yet that is exactly how it feels. So who should sacrifice their needs?
Maybe no one needs too. A great tool is for both partners to validate their needs in an exaggerated way. So in this instance Partner A would say “I know you need time to process and despite my fear of being apart during this time I will wait for you”. Partner B should validate and offer up something to comfort Partner A “I appreciate you acknowledging my need, let’s talk in 2 hours”. At this point it is vital for Partner B to stick to that promise. In absence of following through on this commitment betrayal and mistrust will start to grow.
The example above sounds very forced and formal. This is not how you will continue to speak but sometimes when learning a new skill exaggeration helps. Remember when you started to drive and you were very mechanical in checking rear view mirror and then paying attention to the road and then checking side mirrors and so on. Think of retraining yourself as learning to drive. Yes it is mechanical but the results are worth it. Slowly natural patterns will set in and trust and attunement will be second nature.
Try these communication tools:
- Speak with good intention
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- Is your intention to win an argument or be understood
- Validate what your spouse just said even if you disagree.
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- Validation is not an apology or an agreement, simply restate what your partner said
- Speak slowly and for short period of time
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- Your partner can’t process or remember a monologue
- Use ‘I Statements’
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- I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to not accuse but merely share a feeling
- Stay on topic
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- The flood gates have opened up and you are finally talking but practice self restraint and stay focused on one topic until a resolution has been reached
In my subsequent blogs I will share the second part of healthy communication practices. For now see if you can incorporate these 5 into your relationship. These tips are beneficial not just for romantic partners but for platonic and professional relationships as well.
Please visit marinaedelman.com to learn more about me or follow me on Instagram @marina.on.marriage. Feel free to leave comments or ask follow up questions. Happy Coupling!
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“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart.”
—Helen Keller
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Jun 4, 2019 | Blog
Let’s talk about adult attachment!
Similar to the way that we attach to our primary caregivers as infants, there are four attachment styles that we may exhibit in our adult romantic relationships or in our adult friendships – secure, preoccupied, avoidant, and fearful.
These four styles lie on a spectrum characterized by low or high avoidance, and low or high anxiety. The amount of anxiety you feel and the amount of avoidance you partake in determine your attachment style. With a secure attachment, there is low anxiety and low avoidance; you feel close to your partner, you’re able to talk about difficult topics without negative emotions and without needing to leave, and have a consistent outlook on the relationship. In contrast, an avoidant attachment style is characterized by low anxiety and high avoidance; you may avoid any serious topic of conversation, and when you find yourself in a serious situation or feeling high levels of emotions, you may need to physically and emotionally detach from your partner, sometimes without warning and for a long period of time.
As a couples therapist, it’s important for me to help my clients identify their adult attachment styles and to find ways to work towards a secure attachment. Attachment style isn’t permanent – we have the capacity to change it!
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Dec 20, 2018 | Blog
Friendsgiving has become a staple and so has white elephant, but how else can you celebrate winter holidays with friends?
Here are some examples of what people around the world do to share the joy with their friends.
- Hold a glass pickle hunt. One of Germany’s favorite holiday traditions, this centuries-old game involves hiding a pickle ornament in a hard-to-spot place on the tree. The person who finds it first gets an extra present.
- Bake Challenge. Invite everyone over and challenge yourself and your friends by attempting homemade eggnog, candy canes, or cookies with a secret ingredient.
- Fried Chicken Until recently Christmas was not a big deal in Japan. A new, quirky “tradition” has emerged in recent years – a Christmas Day feast of the Colonel’s very own Kentucky Fried Chicken. Invite pals over and fry up some chicken with an award given to the tastiest one.
- Celebrate a holiday that is not your own There are 6 holidays celebrated in December all around the world that are not Christmas: Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Winter Solstice, Las Posadas, Diwali, Chinese New Year and many more
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by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Dec 6, 2018 | Blog
Every semester I have a student who emails me with a request to interview me about what it’s like to have a private practice. I thought I would publish my answers in hopes to help others who are considering interview this field.
1. How many hours per week are you expected to work in this field?
There is no expectation in private practice but on average therapists work 20 hours. Since I am balancing being a supervisor and seeing my own clients, I average 40 hours a week.
2. Can you describe your experience balancing life and work?
One of the benefits of being self employed is the ability set my own hours. Which makes balancing life and work easier. The hard part is to not be a ‘Therapist’ all the time. To address that issue I try to avoid discussing what I do while socializing.
3. What qualities do you need to have to be successful in this field?
Besides being passionate about psychology one needs to love marketing and networking.
4. What do you find to be the most rewarding aspects of this field?
When clients have aha moments.
5. A lot of people think that the field of psychology is an “easy” major or that you cannot find a job with a degree in psychology. What would you say to debunk this misconception and encourage a student to purse a degree in psychology?
I think the degree can be converted to a lot of other positions that require understanding of human nature. Sales, HR, and child oriented positions come to mind.
6. What advice would you give to a student who is considering studying psychology?
To drill down on what their intent in studying it is. Is it for the love of learning or to actually be employed in the field. If employment is the goal then figure out what part of psychology is of interest, it is a very broad field.
