by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Mar 21, 2016 | Blog, Uncategorized
Accountability partner is exactly what it sounds like. Recent article outlining what self made millionaires have in common, identified accountability partners as one of the the things they all shared (to read more https://www.yahoo.com/finance/news/man-spent-5-years-studying-163000058.html). Engaging a neutral party to help you accomplish goals and keep you motivated is void of shame, disappointment and resentment. Key to success is being surrounded by people who hold you accountable and strategies with you to overcome obstacles.
Let me introduce you to your opponent. Not sure you have one, well then listen to the voice in your head that tells you to procrastinate, avoid working out and not to call your mother. They don’t call it a game of life for nothing. We are born with an opponent whose job it is to make us stronger and better but just like with any competition there will be trash talk and sabotage. Think of every day as a new game and from the morning decide who will win you or the opponent. Need extra help? Well that is where the accountability partner comes in. Although that person is great for getting started, but (s)he really comes in handy when your opponent tries to derail you from whatever you’re working on. You probably won’t see it coming, and that’s the moment when accountability truly becomes invaluable.
Top 5 qualities to look for in choosing someone to join you on your success journey:
- They must be reliable, available, and responsive.
- Honest and direct feedback is crucial.
- They can put aside their agenda and not be judgmental.
- Patience is key here.
- They must attune to your needs and remember what you want them to hold you accountable for.
Our work together will first begin by defining accountability to make sure your needs are met. We will then define your ultimate goal and set benchmarks. At specific intervals we will review accomplishments and missteps. By attuning to your decision making process as well as motivation I will be able to tease out your strengths and weaknesses. The new found awareness will empower you to achieve your desired results.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Jan 5, 2016 | divorce
[heading animation=”” color=”” type=”1″ align=”left”]What to do when your ex-spouse is a Gopher parent[/heading]
Imagine a post divorce world where the couple separates but is still able to co-parent. Sit with that wonderful image for a while. One parent supports the others rules and disciplines similarly. Parent A instead of verbally bashing Parent B is actually encouraging respect. Both parents show up to events and discuss important issues such as healthcare and education and make child focused decisions.
Is that not your reality? Not surprising. Too often parents take out individual resentment intended for their ex on the children they swear they want to protect and nurture. Inadvertently one parent takes the lead in the children’s care, which creates two scenarios for Parent B – they either fight for their parenting rights or take a step back. Quite often the later is selected. Because the transition from being an equal parent to back up parent can be difficult that parent often becomes a gopher parent.
To read more
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Nov 30, 2015 | anxiety, Blog
“You are suggesting mediocracy!?” bellows my client with an anxiety disorder. We are taught to do our best in school; our coaches suggest for us to try our hardest; and society suggests striving for perfect looks. So when I introduce the concept of “good enough”, whether in parenting, career, or relationships, my clients usually balk at the notion.
Their reluctance to pull back is understandable, striving for perfectionism has been rewarded in the past. Worry and stress has resulted in success before, so why should they settle for second best. Anxiety is usually defined as a feeling of excessive worry, nervousness, or apprehension, usually associated with an upcoming event or something with an uncertain outcome. It makes an overachiever try their hardest to achieve the best result. There is nothing wrong with trying your best until, that is, your nervous system sends you signals to stop.
If you were an athlete training for a marathon you would push yourself beyond your comfort zone but also listen to your body for signs of overexertion. Your body will let you know when to modify your training in forms of achs or pain. Your mind does the same but with more subtlety. For instance, you will wake up in the middle of the night with your mind racing about things to do. Or, you will ruminate about something you said or did. At times you will develop irrational fears. These symptoms and more are all your mind’s way of asking you to make changes.
Is there a trade of? Ofcourse! The benefits of perfectionism is that you throw the best parties, everything always gets done, people are never disappointed, etc. The benefit of adopting the “good enough” philosophy is that you can enjoy your life more, you will be present with loved ones, your body and mind will be at peace.
People with anxiety usually struggle with priorities or know when to stop. When they cross one task of the list they pile on two more – sound familiar? Here are tips to try now:
- Set a reasonable amount of time aside to work on a task. When the time expires stop working regardless if you feel you are done or not.
- Do a reality check by asking yourself “what’s the worst thing that can happen”.
- Own your inner critic. We usually are critical of others, by keeping that in check we become gentler with ourselves.
- Allow and expect surprise mistakes.
- Try new things that are not always efficient or effective like a new route to a familiar place.
Meditation, proper diet, and exercise will help symptoms of anxiety. Therapy is a very effective tool in helping with restructuring your thoughts, gaining awareness of your actions, and reducing feelings of worry and stress. For more information visit https://marinaedelman.com/anxiety/
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Nov 5, 2015 | Blog
.[heading animation=”” color=”” type=”1″ align=”left”]Celebrating Thanksgiving Holiday after divorce[/heading]
Post separation: A new tradition to be thankful for
Divorce/separation is an end to the the current nuclear family and a beginning to a new life. Family and friends can and should still be enjoyed. As Halloween candy is being put away look forward to Thanksgiving. This family focused holiday raises so many questions: “Who will I spend Thanksgiving with? (especially important for people who live near their soon to be ex-in-laws” “Will the kids want to spend the holidays with me or their other parent?” “What if I’m alone?” These questions are important part of the closure process and will help prepare you for the inevitable changes in your life.
Consider starting a new tradition of celebrating Friendsgiving. There’s something to be said for friends being the family you choose, as cliche as that sounds. Let’s start with listing 10 things you should be thankful for this year:
- Reduced travel time
- Avoiding prying aunts
- Not dealing with unhealthy family dynamics
- Celebrating sans drunk uncles
- Not having to explain why your marriage ended
- Opportunity to create a new tradition
- Trying new food
- Meeting new people
- Learning new games like the Gratitude Jar
- Having an opportunity to host if you so choose
Now that you found a new positive outlook on upcoming holiday lets look at ways to actually enjoy it:
- Divorce is expensive and trying to recreate what was done in the past will keep you from moving forward. Try not to compete with your ex or yearn for what was but instead focus on what is.
- If you have children remember to focus on them. Co-parenting during the holidays can be challenging, do whatever it takes to eliminate their exposure to your emotions, and maximize their holiday fun!
- If you fear being alone, plan in advance a trip, a party, or find an opportunity to give back your community.
- Decluttering your house is cathartic – out with the old and in with the new! Use the extra time you have to cleanse your mind by purging, dusting, and redecorating.
- Create new traditions by getting creative and making some of your holiday gifts. Your loved ones will be touched by your efforts and you will keep busy.
- Be flexible – so what if the rest of Americans are celebrating Thanksgiving on Thursday? Prioritize being with you children and not following the calendar.
- Consider spending the day alone to focus on accepting your new life. Yoga, hikes, or sitting on the beach are all great ways to gain self awareness and acceptance.
- Be open to still celebrating Thanksgiving with your ex. Who says you have to be enemies. Maybe that was the one time of the year that you got along and have wonderful memories. Enjoy them!
- Make it simple. If you are used to cooking for an army and this year it’s a small gathering (kids and you) consider ordering Pizza and watching movies.
- Get comfortable with splitting the day in half. Maybe your ex gets the kids for Thanksgiving lunch and you get to spend time with them during dinner
Whether you are celebrating Thanksgiving or Friendsgiving find the beauty in your new life and let negative feelings melt away.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Aug 5, 2015 | Blog
[heading animation=”” color=”” type=”1″ align=”left”]Are you being fake or trying to modify your behavior[/heading]
The Atlantic recently tweeted about Drake, Taylor Swift, and why it pays to be fake . The article focuses on being a celebrity but the concept is worth examining. Acting “as if” is a common therapeutic intervention used to modify behavior. The intervention is simple, we can create new circumstances by acting “as if” they already exist; for example, we can be confident by acting as if we are confident. It sounds very simple and magical, however practiced in conjunction with other cognitive behavioral tools it can be very effective. This principal is useful to couples who want to create relationship 2.0 or individuals who are ready to replace their non-effective coping tools.
Acting “as-if” is a powerful tool if used properly. Here is DIY list:
- Identify what you want to change
- Determine what actions, thoughts, and feelings are related to your change
- Pretend to be the person who already has what you want is what you want to be. For example, what would a person who is happy be doing? How would she think and feel?
Fake it till you make is an old concept. Think about it, since it’s been around for so long maybe there is some legitimacy to it. You have nothing to lose but old habits!
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Jul 31, 2015 | Blog
[heading animation=”” color=”” type=”1″ align=”left”]Work smart not hard on your relationship[/heading]
Very often during pre-marital counseling couples will ask me, individually, “Should we be working this hard?”. Maybe a better question “is the effort worth the reward?”. It’s hard to stay motivated if your efforts are not paying of. Weigh the pros and cons and decide of it is worth while investing time into your relationship. Ideally there should be a balance just like with anything else – work hard and play hard. Pick a partner with whom you like yourself and who challenges you but in a respectful kind way. Identify problems that you seem gridlocked in and think about how it would be to live with them permanently. They might get resolved but don’t commit to a relationship thinking you will change your partner.
Assuming you agreed to work on your relationship here are smart daily exercises to get you started:
- Continue to learn about your partner by engaging in deeper open ended questions.
- Openly share your admiration of your loved one in the form of compliments or vulnerable observations.
- Attune to your significant others need for attention and give generously
- When your partners intentions are unclear assume they are positive.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Jun 3, 2015 | Blog
[heading animation=”” color=”” type=”1″ align=”left”]Your marriage can’t survive without intimacy[/heading]
In life, one can be kind and smart, attractive and funny but if you can’t capitalize on these qualities then you can’t survive. You need money to provide food, shelter and clothing without which one cannot live. Sex is to marriage what money is to life. No matter how good your communication is, how in sync your parenting style is, or how well defined your life goals are, if your intimate life doesn’t exist then your marriage is at high risk of dissolving.
[heading animation=”” color=”” type=”2″ align=”left”]Tips to rev up your sex life[/heading]
- Set the mood with sexy music
- Fifty Shades of Grey is onto something…read erotic novels
- Make out
- Sensate Focus Exercise
- Spice things up with a new location!
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Apr 15, 2015 | Blog
Have you ever felt butterflies in your stomach, what about an upset belly while nervous, or experienced gut in your chest when scared. There is no denying the fact that our brain is directly connected via neural pathways to our gut. And new research from UCLA, Harvard, etc. have dubbed a new term Psychobiotics to illustrate how probiotics affect our mood.
I have compiled a list of Probiotics that have been shown to be effective to regulate mood:
Beneficial Probiotic Strands:
- Lactobacillus helveticus {Reduces levels of stress hormones and helps with anxiety and depression}
- Bifidobacterium longum {Normalizes Anxiety and Depression}
- Lactobacillus Rhamnosus {Reduces stress and alleviates OCD behavior}
- Lactobacillus acidophilus {Helps send message to the brain that happy chemicals are alive in the gut}
- Lactobacillus brevis {Minimizes Anxiety}
- Bifidobacterium infantis {Reduces depression and increases brain chemical – norepinephrine, which is linked with well-being}
Utilizing the kind that contain live cultures of the probiotic is a key element. Another important consideration is the storage of the supplements. Unlike vitamins that generally do well on any pantry shelf, probiotics should be stored in a controlled cool environment that is dry and out of direct sunlight. http://www.probiotic.org
Bowel MGRx™ by Welltrients has all of they key bacteria mentioned above. I do not endorse particular products but in my research has found this one to contain key strains. It may be purchased online or a local company Holistic Heaven has some in stock.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Apr 15, 2015 | Blog
Everyone knows how to start an argument but do you know how to end it? Knowing when and how to terminate an argument is crucial to your ongoing marital bliss. Of Course gaining tools how to fight is important, however this blog features the end phase of an argument. An argument should not be on going but instead have an end. A good rule of thumb is to not let it go longer than an hour. That is plenty of time for a specific issue to be addressed and resolved. When arguments go past that point they usually head into different directions. You start fighting about parents and end with finances. Stay on point and keep it brief. The following is a list of ways to end arguments in productive ways.
1. Find a happy medium, there must be something you agree on. Use the common denominator as your starting point for friendly negotiations.
2. Take turns giving in. Learn what issues are important to your partner and why. Next assess how important is this issue for you and consider letting your partner “win”.
3. Apologize either because you feel you are wrong or as a bridge to move on.
4. State what you would like to see happen and ask if your partner is able/willing to comply.
5. Use silly nicknames or make a joke. Couples who lightly tease each other during a conflict wind up feeling more in love when the disagreement finally blows over, according to a study conducted at the University of California at Berkeley.
6. Suggest a timeout as a way to manage your emotions and sort out what the real issue is.
7. Own your contribution to the argument and offer/solicit solutions.
8. “Research has found that unhappy couples tend to repeat themselves out of desperation to be heard, which isn’t productive. They wind up talking at each other instead of having a dialogue,” says Benjamin Karney, Ph.D., co director of the Relationship Institute at the University of California at Los Angeles. Stop talking and reach out physically to one another.
9. And as a last resort agree to disagree.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Apr 15, 2015 | Blog
We are all familiar with drug addiction, sex addiction even shopping addiction. We accept these addictions as legitimate and once identify them in ourselves we usually seek treatment. Why not fear addiction? This is much more difficult to spot by ourselves and our friends and family don’t know it’s an issue nor symptoms.
So what is addiction to fear? From the time we were nomads and wandered the earth we were ruled by fear – hunt or starve, start a fire or freeze, etc. Our loving and well meaning parents usually parented in the same fashion – wash your hands or you will get sick, look both ways before crossing the street or you will be run over, etc. Our brain is programmed to, at least in part, make decisions based on fear.
Just as someone can have a glass of wine on a regular bases but not become an alcoholic so can some people process fear. Others, just as in the case of alcoholism, become addicted to fear. Symptoms include:
- chronic worry
- negative self talk
- over thinking a situation to be prepared for all eventualities
- phobias
- anxiety
- staying in unhealthy relationship
- hover parenting style
- eating disorders
- common addiction
- depression
- unfulfilled career
- under/over spending
Although the list is not complete you can see that so many issues have addiction to fear component. Take for example any addiction. At the root an addict doesn’t want to face reality and distracts him/herself with a vice such as alcohol, gambling, sex. Looking further into why are they avoiding reality will be fear:
- fear of not being good enough
- fear of facing childhood traumas and possibly re-evaluating relationship with parents
- fear of taking on additional responsibilities at work and therefore not seeking a promotion
- fear of losing status
By understanding origin of problems and accepting the fact that they are managed by fear one can start making life changes. Working both cognitive behaviorally and psychodynamically will garnish optimum results.
