Seeking licensed or pre-licensed psychotherapists with a passion for helping individuals and couples, to join an upscale private practice. Ongoing referrals, marketing, and supervision (if needed) will be provided. Candidate should be self-motivated to develop business, blog & community outreach.
Mindfulness is the practice of paying attention to the present moment, on purpose, and nonjudgmentally. This popular practice has gotten its fair share of attention over the course of the last two decades. But, is it more than a buzzword? Thankfully, yes! Mindfulness has been proven to reduce stress, improve relationships, and increase focus and cognitive flexibility.
One elementary school in Baltimore decided to replace detention with mindfulness, and the results are amazing. When a child breaks a rule, they are invited to go to the Mindful Moment Room to calm down and center themselves. The students are taught different breathing exercises and reflective practices to relieve their tension and think mindfully about what happened. The elementary school found that the students’ attendance rates increased and suspension rates decreased because of the implementation of mindfulness practices in lieu of strict punishment.
As evidenced by elementary schools around the country, mindfulness is an extremely powerful and profound practice for young people. Mindfulness can be a great resource to regulate emotions and find joy in everyday moments, especially for children and teenagers who become easily overwhelmed, stressed out, or emotionally dysregulated.
Mindfulness can be implemented in simple ways in the home or in schools. Many people think mindfulness is simply feeling relaxed and meditating. Although mindfulness can certainly be very relaxing, it is not its sole purpose. Mindfulness can be practiced in everyday moments. It is the practice of paying attention to the present moment with intention and nonjudgmentally.
How do I implement mindfulness in my home or with my children?
1. Explain what mindfulness is.
Start by explaining that mindfulness is a practice that teaches us to pay attention to the present moment. Life whizzes by, and often times we are not present and engaged in everyday moments. I like to ask people to recall a special time in their life that they would like to repeat or return to. Ask your child to use all 5 senses to remember this important moment: the sights, the smells, and how they felt. Then, inquire if they were aware of the power of that moment at that time. Often times we are not aware of how much power each moment holds because we are busy thinking about the past or worrying about the future. You can then bring their awareness to the possibility that that special moment may be happening right now. This quick exercise can help young people become aware of paying attention to the present moment.
2. Practice being nonjudgmental.
One of the core tenets of mindfulness is the practice of being nonjudgmental toward yourself and others. Language is a very powerful tool we use to communicate with others; but, it is also a way to communicate to ourselves. The way in which we talk to ourselves is very important. Children and teens often pick up on the language of their parents or caregivers. If we remain nonjudgmental with ourselves and talk to ourselves in a compassionate, loving way, our children will learn how to practice being nonjudgmental. For example, if you make a wrong turn while driving or burn a dish on the stove, instead of denigrating yourself by saying “That was so stupid of me” or cursing at yourself, try simply observing and describing the facts of your actions. “I took a wrong turn” or “I accidentally burnt our dinner” are better alternatives because they state the facts of what happened and do not involve self-inferences. By practicing being nonjudgmental with ourselves, our children can hopefully pick up on this skill and become more kind toward themselves. This may sound like “I got a C on my math exam. I need to change my study habits” instead of “I can’t believe I got a C on my math exam. This must mean I’m not smart.”
3. Slow down.
Multitasking has been proven to be less efficient than “one-tasking”, or completing one task at a time. When our days become busy, especially as the school year begins, we may feel the pressure to do 5 things at once to complete them faster. Unfortunately, this doesn’t work. Mindfulness is about being one-mindful. Slow down, and complete one task at a time. For example, when cooking dinner, only cook dinner. When talking with your child about their school day, don’t text and watch TV at the same time. This undivided attention we give to each task at hand will help us to do each task mindfully and remain in the present moment.
4. Experience “flow” and throw yourself into the present moment.
Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, a renowned psychologist, studied and recognized a highly focused mental state called “flow.” Flow is experienced when one is completely absorbed in the task at hand. Many people may refer to this experience as being “in the zone.” Time seems to pass, self-consciousness melts away, and you are totally and completely interested in what you are doing. Many athletes experience flow while competing. Practice throwing yourself into the present moment while hosting a family game night, outdoor sports event, or a sing and dance marathon. This skill can be monumental as young people return to school; self-consciousness and a sense of exclusion are incompatible with flow.
5. Observe and describe thoughts and emotions.
Mindfulness is the ability to observe and describe thoughts and emotions. Acceptance and the practice of letting go are strengthened when we learn to have a transformative relationship with our thoughts and feelings. Similar to the practice of being nonjudgmental, observing and describing our thoughts and emotions calls for factual observations. For example, if you notice your child struggling with homework and he or she says, “This Social Studies homework is way too difficult”, first, validate your child’s experience, and then, ask them to reframe the sentence to “I’m having the thought that this Social Studies homework is too difficult.” This minor adjustment seems very simple, and it is. The second statement is what we would call “defusion.” It provides distance between the thought and the child. It makes it easier for the thought to come and go, instead of fusing and clinging to it. This slight adjustment can reduce feelings of anxiety and stress.
Mindfulness is not only about breathing exercises and meditation; mindfulness is a constant practice of being present in everyday life and finding small moments of joy. Try using these five skills with your children or family as they begin the school year. Mindfulness strengthens two essential skills for students: self-awareness and concentration.
For many couples, the idea of weekly marriage therapy feels too intense. Oftentimes, both spouses are secretly looking for a judge who will tell them who is right. The effectiveness of any couples therapy is dependent upon each spouse’s willingness to focus on themselves and admit they need to modify or alter their behavior or belief system. Doing this in the presence of their partner can trigger feelings of shame and guilt. They might not know what they are experiencing but facing an ugly truth and agreeing in front of a stranger that they need to change is daunting.
To address this fear and help high conflict couples who are triggered by one another, I suggest to keep ‘relationship’ as my client but see each partner individually for a period of time. By helping de-position each spouse and address individual issues they can come back together ready to accept each other’s influence.
Common Issues that require individual couples work:
Confidentiality is discussed and steps are taken to make sure that “secrets” emerging from individual sessions do not obstruct the relationship. I abide by the Open Secrets Policy and help each party understand that in due time important elements need to be shared but not everything. I find that this approach creates safety and structure that nurtures openness and transparency. Since the goal is to help the couple, I help the individual work through each situation in a judgement free way to be available to hear their partner and re-engage in the marriage.
I use the Gottman Model in working with couples. I initially meet with the couple to gather history, assess goals, and identify any areas of current difficulty. I then invite both parties to individually complete the online Gottman couples assessment*. Upon completion I meet with each partner individually to gather personal history and assess individual struggles. Finally, we come together to review their strengths and weaknesses.
At times I refer out for individual work. If one is struggling with their career and that stress is brought home then maybe working with an executive coach is important. Substance use/abuse can get in the way of connecting and therefore a referral to AA or drug counselor is important.
I am a pro-marriage therapist and believe all options need to be exhausted prior to calling an end to a marriage. Sometimes that means being creative or unconventional. In the end if both individuals are fulfilled and committed to one another then the hard work was worth it. Shame and individual struggles shouldn’t get in the way of keeping your relationship in tact. Feel free to contact me for couples work at 818.851.1293
*The Gottman Couples Assessment accurately evaluates relationship trouble spots as well as strengths, and provides personalized tools to create effective interventions. This assessment is geared towards all stages of relationships, whether new relationship, premarital, or marital. The Gottman Couples Assessment is 480 questions in 5 unique sections.
After years of observation and consideration, being addicted to internet gaming is now recognized as an official mental health diagnosis. Officially named Internet Gaming Disorder (IGD) in the DSM-V, IGD is described as having similar features as other addiction disorders, such as alcohol, drugs and gambling, and the recommendations for treatment are also similar to treating an addiction.
Recently I discovered an alternative view of IGD which was developed by Dr. Todd Essig. In 2012, while practicing at the William Alanson White Institute of Psychiatry, Psychoanalysis & Psychology, Essig had concluded from the work with his patients that the diagnostic term “addiction” had mistakenly been used to explain excessive use of screen-based technology and online gaming. Essig observed that some individuals could spend hours on the internet or playing video games and then return to functioning in reality without any observable issues, while other individuals appeared to have more difficulty going from a virtual reality to the physical reality. Instead of using the term “addiction”, Essig coined the term “simulation entrapment” to describe what was widely recognized as an internet or gaming addiction, and also proposed a different approach to treatment.
According to Essig, simulation entrapped individuals were led to believe that what existed on the screen provided everything that real life itself had to offer. In other words, simulation entrapped individuals lost the awareness that they were functioning in a simulated environment. To better understand this perspective, Essig put forward the following three dimensions of simulation entrapment: (1) Risk, (2) Repleteness and (3) Relational Embodiment.
Risk in simulated realities is safer compared to that in the physical world. For example, flying a simulated aircraft is much safer than flying a real one, and walking around in a simulated world of violence is much safer than walking around in a real violent world. Yet, somehow the simulated entrapped individual mistakenly believes the simulated risk as actually happening, thus confusing it with a real-world risk with real world consequences. In other words, the simulated feeling of risk is confused for, and felt just the same as, the real-world feeling of risk.
Repleteness describes the richness and quality of the experience. Similar to risk, the depth of richness offered by a simulated environment is controlled and finite. While online interactions or game play may appear to offer unfamiliar conditions to individuals, the next big thing in an internet game is attainable and can be discovered. Contrary to the real world, a simulated gaming experience has nearly a zero chance of spinning out of control, and most games are not designed to frustrate beyond the point at which it becomes intolerable. In the real world, it’s possible for interactions with other individuals to take a turn for the worst, and sometimes, real life can surprise in astonishing ways. In the real world, these life experiences can be stepping stones for interpersonal and intrapersonal growth, while simulated experiences or game play can only provide so much richness from which one can disconnect if and when it becomes too unbearable.
Relational embodiment refers to the way one uses one’s body in, and for, social connections. Through onscreen interactions and social connections mediated through online games and the internet, relational embodiment can become relatively unadulterated compared to the ambivalence of bodies in close proximity. Essig compares relational embodiment to early parent-infant interactions, such as learning to walk and talk or ride a bike for the first time. Relational embodiment with the internet as the medium alters intimacy in such a way that simulated entrapped individuals feel more in control of creating the intimacy. To put it another way, the online social experience feels more comfortable because it allows for control of the experience and doing something that is completely done in one’s own way.
Essig suggests that these three aspects of simulation entrapment, risk, repleteness, and relational embodiment, should be the focal point of therapy with clients experiencing an internet or internet gaming addiction. Instead of treating IGD using an addiction model, the goal of therapy with simulated entrapped clients would be to continually encourage engagement with the physical world rather than a virtual one.
To read more about research mentioned in this article follow this link https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22976153/
I consider myself an early adopter of technology, meaning that I’m usually one of the first persons to learn about or use new technology. With that being said, it may sound surprising that I spent the majority of my childhood without a cell phone and without the internet. However, this wasn’t by choice or because my parents did not allow these things. It was because I grew up in the 1980s, before the internet and cell phone existed as they do today. Sometimes I wonder how my childhood would have been different with a cell phone and the internet, and how those things would have affected me today as a parent of two young children.
Every day, parents are faced with making important, influential, and difficult decisions for their children with regards to how much and what type of technology their children use. Often times, these decisions are based on age appropriateness use with consideration for what the parents of their children’s peers are allowing.
Research has discovered that as children enter adolescence, around 12 years of age, they will typically ask for their own cell phone. This is usually because adolescence is a time to develop identity, autonomy, and self-esteem, and the cell phone can be used as, and is advertised as, a technology device that can help one develop and maintain these three important aspects of personality. Research has also determined that adolescents typically need the help and support from their parents to purchase and maintain ownership of a cell phone. To that extent, the following is a list of what the research has uncovered about what parents might expect as they step foot into the cellular phone store to purchase a cell phone for their child.
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How many New Year’s resolutions have you made over the years and how many have you actually accomplished? Are you like so many of us who start the year off being super optimistic about our New Year’s resolution, whether it’s to conquer a fear, get in shape, eat healthy, be more productive, quit smoking, etc., only to find ourselves back at square one within weeks after the New Year? If so, then what you need are a few simple techniques that will enable you to create lasting change and fulfill the goals that you have set for yourself.
First: Don’t set vague goals like “I’m going to be healthier.” Instead, be specific. Set behavioral goals based on measurable outcomes. So, in terms of wanting to be healthier, your specific behavioral goal might be: Lowering cholesterol by five points. Eating five servings of fruits and veggies each day. Losing 20 pounds. Running 5k in 30 minutes. You get the idea. Decide what your goal is in measurable, specific terms and then write it down.
Second: Don’t bite off more than you can chew. Instead of deciding to change twenty things, pick one thing to change that is a top priority for you because it is much easier to accomplish something when you only have one thing to focus on. Many people make the mistake of trying to do too many things at once and instead of accomplishing them all, they just end up overwhelmed and giving up. So pick one thing to be focused on, one thing you have a burning desire to achieve.
Third: Success creates success. We are more motivated to persevere while tackling difficult challenges when we have first succeeded at smaller, easier to accomplish challenges. Consequently, it is best to start with mini-goals. When you succeed at them, this will inspire you and enable you to go the distance when you are dealing with your main goal and the going gets tough. So take your main goal and break it down to bite size, mini-goals that start out easy and become more challenging.
Fourth: Set a realistic deadline for accomplishing your goal. Having a deadline tends to keep people moving forward at a solid pace rather than slowly plodding along. A deadline encourages consistency, strengthens motivation and creates a sense of urgency. Additionally, when the task is difficult, requiring a lot of time and energy, people can remind themselves that there is a deadline and that the struggle is not going to last forever. Knowing that an end is in sight tends to increase motivation and decrease discouragement.
Fifth: Keep the feeling of accomplishing your goal in mind. A way to stay positive should discouragement set in is to imagine how wonderful it will feel when you accomplish your goal. Similarly, if you start to procrastinate, telling yourself you don’t need to do it today, you can start again tomorrow, by focusing on how exciting it will be when you have succeeded, can get you back on track, full steam ahead!
Sixth: When you set goals, be very clear as to how much they matter to you and the overall positive impact your goal is going to have. Think about how they’re going to change every aspect of your life in a positive way: your self-esteem, your relationships, your work, your health and vitality, including the impact the changes you make will have on your family, your friends, your community, and your world! Visualize yourself living your life with your goal accomplished and what your life will be like. Research also shows that visualization helps us reach our goals as well as motivates us.
By staying very aware on a daily basis of what you want and why you want it, you increase your odds of keeping your New Year’s resolutions and effecting permanent, positive change in your life! If you need additional help, working with a coach or a therapist can be useful to create the changes you want to see in your life.
When the doctor told me and my wife that her due date for giving birth was going to be November 21st, just before Thanksgiving, we were very excited at the idea of bringing a newborn baby home just in time for the holiday season. As this would be our second child, my wife felt that having the baby before Thanksgiving would allow her to be present with friends and family from out of town instead of worrying about going into labor at the dinner table. Meanwhile, I was looking forward to being able to enjoy all the yummy food at Thanksgiving, and at the Hanukkah and Christmas parties that would follow.
As it turned out, our baby boy was born six days before Thanksgiving and my wife and new baby spent three days in the post partum recovery room, leaving only three days before Thanksgiving for us to adjust to life back at home with a new baby and a toddler. We had already been mentally preparing to lose sleep, change a lot of diapers, and drink extra coffee, especially to keep up with the energy level of our two year old daughter during the day. What we weren’t prepared for, and didn’t expect to happen, was missing out on the family Thanksgiving dinner, followed by saying no to almost all of the Hanukkah and Christmas party invitations.
On Thanksgiving Day, unfortunately my wife wasn’t feeling well and spent most of the afternoon and evening at urgent care to make sure she was ok, while I stayed home with our two children. Thankfully, our family brought us food, but we felt lonely and sad to miss out on spending the holiday with them. Two weeks after Thanksgiving, we decided we would try to attend a formal Hanukkah gala in the evening. Unexpectedly, our babysitter got sick the night before and we couldn’t find a backup. We decided we’d try bringing both children to the gala. Luckily we were seated at a table in the back of the ballroom, but between socializing with family and friends, my wife breastfeeding our newborn, and me chasing our daughter around the hotel lobby, when we finally arrived home at midnight, we looked at each other and decided that maybe we should just be homebodies for a few months, at least during the night time.
Saying no to family and friends during the holidays has been perhaps more difficult than any other time of the year, maybe because it’s considered by many to be a time of giving and a time to be with family. Whether it’s giving gifts, or giving of our time, we feel obligated to say yes, and feel guilty when we say no, especially when family members express disappointment that we won’t be at family gatherings, and family from out of town wants to see the new baby. Perhaps the fear of missing out on good times and feeling isolated if we say no, combined with worry about future invitations, only adds to the challenge of saying “no” this holiday season.
In order to accommodate seeing our family and friends, we’ve decided that they will have to come visit us during this holiday season. In doing this, we’ve set clear boundaries to help us manage those guilty feelings and fears while at the same time created realistic opportunities to see friends and family. Rather than responding to an invitation by saying “we’ll try to be there”, which is basically avoiding and postponing saying “no”, we let them know we’d love to be there, explain our situation, and suggest that maybe in a few months we can meet outside of our home, and also to please come over as it is difficult for us to go out to socialize right now.
Saying “no” isn’t easy, and, in general, there are many things to which we say “yes” during the day in order to avoid conflict and uncomfortable feelings. Thankfully, there are some good books to help with feeling more assertive and comfortable with saying the dreaded word, “no”.
Boundaries Updated and Expanded Ediction: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life, by Cloud and Townsend
The Power of No: Because One Little Word Can Bring Health, Abundance, and Happiness, by Altucher and Altucher
As our children grow, we anticipate that our boundaries will change and that we’ll be able to say yes to invitations more often than we currently say no. Hopefully next year, we look forward to being able to gather around at the Thanksgiving table with our children, family, and friends, but maybe we’ll skip the holiday parties for just one more year.
Meditation can help individuals, families, and couples in the following ways:
Most people believe that accomplishing these goals will allow people to achieve closure and move on in life. They now see it as an alternative to therapy when they don’t want to seek treatment from a mental health professional. Therapy usually involves multiple sessions where as mediation can be as brief as one visit. Therapy helps bring awareness to an individual or group of individuals where as mediation is more focused on solutions, communication, and implementation.
Our society is now a place where every problem is directed to a mental health professional. Whereas a lot of problems have absolutely nothing to do with mental health. Rather, most of them have to do with uncertainty, confusion, lack of communication, expectations and goals, problematic societal dictates, conflicts between social norms, conflicts between personalities, conflicts between individuals, prejudices against personality types, orientations, racial groups, and temperaments, etc.
A lot of people are looking for alternative ways to address their issues without going to a mental health professional for “treatment,” but they don’t know where to go. Mediation by skilled and trained mediator can provide these people with what they are looking for. Mediators that maintain the principles of being solution focused, empathic and neutral encourage individuals to problem solve, freeing them from their preconceived notions about what is possible and facilitate communication among both parties. Mediators can even do one on one meditation with individuals. It can be referred to as coaching, or it can be seen as mediating within the conflicted mind of an individual.
Mediation can be seen as a process in which a neutral helps individuals come to a resolution; it can also be seen as a process by which a neutral helps parties move to the next step, whether it’s communicating with others, clarifying a thought, or organizing logistics. Mediator can be a sounding board, brain storming partner or voice of reason. Providing solutions is one part of mediation, another is facilitating clean communication between all parties, and lastly helping identify options and negotiating implementation of them.
Through out the mediation process one feels empowered to unlock their beliefs and confident to share them with others who they are negotiating with. The mediator can focus and support thinking of the individual, couple, or family but the parties are ultimately in charge of what they are comfortable living with.