by Marina Edelman, LMFT | May 29, 2020 | Blog, couples, marriage
Wouldn’t it be great if relationships came with an “easy button” like so many other things in our tech-heavy world? So many things run on autopilot these days: planes, phones, and even cars that can drive themselves!
In this world where many things work well with automation, it can be a good reminder that relationships retain a more old-fashioned quality. So often when relationships begin, things may seem perfect and effortless. This can feel amazing and we can get our hopes up and think that we have found soulmate perfection.
When the heady excitement wanes, it’s also easy to become disillusioned. You may think you have fallen out of love or (gasp) blame your partner for what you perceive as cracks in the relationship, leaving you wondering where things went wrong. Human relationships, not unlike our plants and pets, need nourishment and attention in order to create the conditions needed to thrive.
It can be easy to fall into a routine of the tried and true and lose sight of the fact that you must tend to your relationship. By adding some new behaviors and paying more attention to each other, your relationship can align more with what you and your partner both truly desire.
Here are a few practical tips that can reignite the flames, generate some new sparks, and keep your relationship alive and connected.
1. Learn each other’s love language. What makes you feel loved? It’s likely that your partner’s love needs are different than yours. It may be that neither of you are aware of this difference, leading to what feels like perpetual miscommunication. To figure out your love language, you and your partner can take this brief online quiz separately and then share your answers. The results may surprise you!
2. Reach out and … touch. We all need to be held. Infants have a basic need for loving contact to survive and this continues at every stage of life. Touching your partner often throughout the day — not just in the bedroom or when initiating sex — can increase intimacy in the bond between you. Family therapist Virginia Satir once said, “We need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. And we need 12 hugs a day for growth.” Reach out for more growth and connection!
3. Take turns turning on the romance. Take turns planning date night at least once a month. Make your partner feel special by planning something for the two of you. This can be something elaborate like fine dining in a restaurant you both enjoy or having a picnic in the backyard with a blanket, mood music, and candles. Be creative and enjoy your time together.
4. Make frequent “love deposits.” We all have a love bank that keeps track of how we’re treated by others. Making deposits by treating your partner with love and respect keeps the account full. Making withdrawals with criticism and contempt can leave your account empty or even overdrawn. By keeping each other’s love bank full by making many more deposits than withdrawals, you can increase love and safety in your relationship. What is your love bank balance?
5. End Groundhog Day arguments. Do you have a particular topic that keeps leading to arguments? If so, try to finally get it resolved. Set aside a time to talk, agree on a maximum time limit (maybe 20 minutes if the topic isn’t too complex), and require that you both stay on the topic so progress can be made instead of escalating the conflict. One tip for increasing partnership for potentially triggering conversations is to sit side by side instead of across from each other. This small move can make the conversation feel less adversarial and promote partnership and intimacy.
6. Time out isn’t just for toddlers. Conflict is part of every healthy relationship. Become familiar with the pattern of conflict between you and your partner and agree to take a time out if things become heated or destructive. When you both calm down, come back to the topic, repair if needed, and if you still can’t see eye to eye, agree to disagree.
7. Keep it positive. There’s no need to bare it all in relationships by sharing every negative thought and reaction with your partner. No relationship or person is perfect. According to John Gottman, healthy relationships have a 5 to 1 ratio, with 5 being positive communication and 1 being the negative. According to Gottman’s extensive relationship research, it takes five good interactions to clean up the negative effects of one bad.
8. Learn the art of listening deeply. Drop your primitive lizard brain defenses so you can actually hear your partner. When you listen to your partner, are you actually listening or just planning your reply or way to prove them wrong? Our most important human need is to be heard and understood, and it’s hard to achieve that without a mutual awareness of this need.
9. Have fun together. Never underestimate the power of sharing fun and adventure together. With adult relationships and adult responsibility, it’s easy to lose the magic of childhood, where play was our work. This doesn’t have to end when we become grown-ups.
Reconnect to yourself and your partner through your inner child. Reflect on some things that light you up and that you love to do just for the fun of it. One way to add more fun to your life is to reflect on your childhood dreams. Share them with your partner and be open to experiencing things that they enjoy. Even if it’s not your cup of tea, be willing to share in the things that they enjoy in order to deepen your understanding and connection to one another. Those who play together stay together.
By Sharalee Hall, MA, AMFT. Sharalee is an associate at the office of Marina Edelman, LMFT. You can read more about her here.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | May 26, 2020 | anxiety, Blog, couples, mindfulness
Staying mindful and present while living in quarantine has proven extremely difficult for most of us. With so much uncertainty in the air and vague estimations of when life can begin to resemble normalcy, it’s hard to stop ourselves from overthinking and giving in to anxiety-inducing thoughts.
These thoughts can interfere with your ability to be present in your daily life and in your relationship. Chances are, both you and your partner are feeling at least some anxiety and stress right now, either because of the current state of the world or how the quarantine is affecting your relationship. Mindfulness exercises are a great way to help reduce anxiety and stress.
Incorporating mindfulness exercises into your life is just one way to forge a stronger relationship as a couple. This can help you better weather life’s stresses and anxieties so that when stressful situations like quarantine pass, you’ll be more connected than ever.
Benefits of mindfulness in relationships
If you’re feeling anxious or fighting with your partner, it can be helpful to take some time to yourself to try the mindfulness techniques below and come back to your problem later. This can give you a chance to calm down and gain more clarity on the situation or help you focus on what actions you want to take.
You and your partner can even do mindfulness exercises together to bring you both a sense of calm during an anxious time. If you choose to do them together, be sure to put down your phones and step away from any distractions.
Whether you do it on your own or together, practicing mindfulness in your relationship can help you and your partner:
- Improve your mood so you feel calmer and happier
- Become better listeners and less distracted when having a conversation
- Have stronger emotion regulation, which means less anger and sadness
- Become more in tune with your feelings and your partner’s feelings
- Have more productive conversations and better problem solving
- Forge a deeper connection that leads to more intimacy
I’ve found that certain mindfulness techniques help me stay more present and grounded than others. These techniques can help you and your partner reduce your levels of anxiety so you can feel more calm, centered, and connected.
Five senses technique
One easy and simple mindfulness exercise that I partake in daily is the five senses technique, which I usually do every time I take my dog out for a walk. This technique uses your five senses — sight, touch, sound, smell, and taste — to help ground you and bring you into the present moment.
I usually go up to some flowers to do this technique, but any scene or area out in nature will work perfectly. If you’re doing this inside, it can be done in any room and in any area of your house.
Sight
I’ll start by noticing five things that I see in front of me. This can be the flowers themselves, their leaves, any blades of grass, or insects around the flowers.
Touch
Then I’ll touch four different things. I might gently run my finger across a flower petal or dig my hands in the grass, or I may give my dog a pet.
Sound
I’ll pay attention to three things that I can hear: the wind blowing through the trees, the sound of a lawn mower, or maybe a dog barking in the distance.
Smell
Then I’ll notice two things that I can smell, which could be the flowers themselves or the clean air.
Taste
Finally, I’ll focus on one thing I can taste. If I have a water bottle with me, then I’ll take a sip of water and mindfully pay attention to the feeling and sensation of the water going down my throat.
Grounding technique
Another quick mindfulness exercise that can be done anywhere and at any time is a grounding technique. While sitting on a surface, I notice all of the different areas of my body that are touching that surface and focus all of my attention to those areas. These areas are usually my back, thighs, and feet.
After I divert my attention to these areas for a few minutes, I then dig the bottoms of my feet into the ground so that I can really feel the earth beneath me. This is a quick way to (literally) ground yourself and bring you back into the present moment, especially if you’re feeling caught up in your thoughts or feeling some acute anxiety.
By Rachel Chistyakov, AMFT. Rachel is an associate at TrueMe Counseling Center. You can read more about her here.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Apr 3, 2020 | Blog, couples, marriage
Sitcoms lead us to believe that women pretend to have headaches to avoid sex. But more and more often I encounter couples where the man is either not interested or is unable to perform sexually.
Whether it’s you or your spouse who doesn’t want to initiate sex, falling into the trap of a sexless marriage is dangerous. It can lead to depression, unhappiness in your marriage, and both physical and emotional affairs. About 15-20% of people are in a sexless marriage — and sometimes they don’t even know why.
It’s easy to blame busy schedules and lack of time, but you can always schedule in time to be intimate. So what is leading to all these platonic marriages? And how do you bring passion back?
What leads to a sexless marriage?
Between work and kids and life, it’s easy to come up with excuses for not wanting to be intimate with your spouse. But the longer it continues, the harder it can be to reconnect and feel passionate again.
The quicker you can determine what’s causing your lack of intimacy, the faster you can work on fixing the problem.
Medical problems
Medical problems are a good place to start when it comes to determining why you or your partner have zero libido. Often hormone deficiencies like low testosterone can lower your sex drive.
Loss of libido is also linked to conditions like depression, high blood pressure, and diabetes. Certain medications, including antidepressants, can cause you to lose interest in sex.
Stress
Stress makes you feel sluggish, which in turn affects your metabolism and weight and inadvertently leads to poor body image. Stress also affects your body by overproducing a hormone called cortisol that directly reduces your libido.
Emotional disconnection
People often think that a loss of interest in sex means their partner is no longer physically attracted to them. But reduced attraction usually has less to do with appearance and more to do with unexpressed and unresolved unhappiness in the relationship or marriage. When you feel emotionally detached from your partner, it’s hard to want to be physically intimate.
Lack of romance
This can go hand-in-hand with emotional disconnection. A lack of romance often leads to a lack of intimacy. If you think back to when your relationship first started, there were probably a lot of romantic gestures that made you feel close to and engaged by your partner. When these go away, it can be harder to feel the excitement and connection that lead to sex.
Poor communication
Unless you talk to your partner about how their lack of interest affects you, they may have no idea. Failing to communicate your needs and desires can directly impact how often you have sex.
Fixing a sexless marriage
Maybe you haven’t had sex with your spouse for months, or even years. Once you get into the routine of not having sex, it can seem impossible to fix. But you can find your way back to each other and reignite connection and passion in your relationship.
The first thing to do is talk. Talk about your sexual needs and how they aren’t being fulfilled. Just the act of talking alone can lead to the closeness and connection that may have been missing.
Learn to reduce your stress. Stress management is an important step in bringing intimacy back into your relationship. When you can let go of some of those things that bring you the most stress, you leave yourself more open to spend time with your partner and be relaxed.
Check in with your doctor. Get a check up at the doctor to rule out underlying medical conditions or have your meds changed. Once medical problems are ruled out, then issues such as stress, mood, and marital satisfaction can be addressed.
Get counseling. Talking through issues of intimacy may be hard for you or your partner for many reasons. Connecting with a couples therapist can help you learn to talk about the issues that have led to your sexless marriage and help you find ways to be intimate again. Tools like Gottman’s online marriage assessment can help me quickly hone in on issues in your marriage. Together, we can work on addressing those issues so you feel closer again.
Bring back the romance. Romance doesn’t have to be grand gestures or long weekends away. Those may not even be possible if you have a demanding job and kids. Romance could be laughing with your partner for a few minutes every night, picking up your spouse’s favorite food for dinner, or spending time on the patio listening to your favorite songs.
Change the emphasis. Men’s sexuality is often defined by society and themselves as the ability to perform on demand. If they can’t achieve an erection or climax, men often develop performance anxiety and become withdrawn, angry, or suppress sexual desires. Women often need more emotional connection when it comes to sex and may feel even more detached and self-conscious if they can’t get aroused as quickly as they once did.
Removing the emphasis from intercourse and refocusing on things like cuddling, foreplay, and flirting reduces the pressure and allows you to redefine your sexuality in a different context. By replacing intercourse with physical and emotional intimacy, a couple can actually reinvigorate their sex life and bring romance back into their marriage.
Don’t despair. If you’re with a compassionate, loving partner your sexless marriage can be transformed to a hot one in no time!
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Oct 4, 2019 | Blog, couples, divorce, marriage
Fighting is a common practice in relationships. Couples fight and disagree all the time. The smallest disagreement can boil over into World War III. Make sure you are fighting about real things and not assumptions.
Common reasons couples fight are:
- Lack of Sex.
- Lack of Money. There are so many different fights that couples can get into when it comes to money. …
- Kids
- Timing
- Quality Time
- Lack of Romance
- Chores. …who does what?
- Pet Peeves
But are we really listening to our significant other’s reasoning and are we giving them the benefit of the doubt that they sometimes deserve? Why do we spend so much time fighting because of our own hurt egos, assumptions, and pride?
The question we should really be asking ourselves is, why do we make assumptions? Easy. People make assumptions naturally to fill in the blanks or holes in situations. It’s kind of like Rational Choice Theory – Rational choice theory states that individuals rely on rational calculations to make rational choices that result in outcomes aligned with their own best interests.
Five Major Assumptions that Couples Make!
- “If you love me, you’ll know what I’m thinking.”
One of the biggest assumptions couples make is that their partners can read their minds. If and WHEN they can’t, then the next assumption is that they must not love or care about them.
- “We’d be happier if our sex life was better.”
Even bigger than a lackluster sex life is that the problem may be a lack of trust or emotional attachment.
- “If you’d just do X or Y, everything would work out.”
This assumption happens when a person does not want to look at themselves as wrong. They don’t want to look deeper into their own issues and seek help, so they point blame to their partner. It’s easier to blame someone else instead of looking at our own faults.
- “You should put me first.”
With this assumption, there is an expectation that it’s your partner’s duty to make you happy. Your happiness should actually be your own responsibility. Find your happiness, then share it together with your partner.
- “We should be able to figure this out already.”
This is an unattainable expectation. All couples think that they should be farther along in their relationship than they are, when the reality is that relationships are hard work, all the time.
What are the benefits of giving your partner the benefit of the doubt? Less fighting!
Giving your partner the benefit of the doubt not only helps you to avoid these hurt feelings, it encourages positivity and patience in your relationship. Giving your partner the benefit of the doubt will keep your partner from jumping into defensive mode, therefore avoiding an unnecessary argument. It will show them that you trust and appreciate them. So next time you feel like jumping to conclusions and turning something into a fight, sit back and really have an in-depth conversation with your partner, ask the right questions, and get the true answers. Clarity equals peace in all relationships. Peace and happiness is priceless, and should always be a goal in any relationship.
When was the last time you had a relationship check-up – maybe it’s time to schedule a check up appointment.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Aug 1, 2019 | affair, Blog, couples
When we are newly married, happy, and carefree, usually a time before children are in our lives, the thought of an affair seems impossible! Why would anyone stray from this marriage? This person? The person you married is incredible, sexy, and fun!
However, a few years down the line could potentially paint a different picture! Imagine your beautiful, sexy, fun wife as a tired, rundown, working mother with a full time job and a toddler. OR is she a stay at home mom with multiple schedules, children, a newborn baby, and a house to take care of! A husband who feels like he doesn’t see himself in his wife’s eyes anymore. A husband who feels insecure and invisible to his wife when the kids are involved.
Sometimes in a marriage, the fun disappears. The validation disappears. You no longer feel wanted or needed by your spouse. Or you feel insignificant as a person, and you are no longer receiving the validation and security that you used to feel from your spouse. So you stray.
This is a three part series. Next blog will explore in greater detail why do women and men cheat. Some reasons overlap and some are unique to the gender.
In marriage, there are three different reasons why people have affairs.
- When affairs begin, a person is falling in love with an imagined way of life, an imaginary person who they think will fill their needs.
- Affairs signify validation, and the need to be wanted or needed by another person.
- That “NEW” feeling. The beginning of something exciting, and also the need to be bad sometimes is very alluring. Usually the need to be in a situation that is considered taboo, and the thought of getting “caught” brings excitement to one’s life. But the feelings of others involved is not usually considered.
What can we do to prevent an affair from destroying our marriage?
- Appreciate your partner/spouse
- Be intimate – not just with sex. Share your innermost desires and thoughts with each other.
- Be empathetic – sometimes the most you can do is listen and provide an empathetic ear.
- Support each other’s friendships outside of the marriage – we need friendship.
- Grow together! Personal growth is necessary in all stages of life, support each other through your personal growth journey.
- NO subject is off limits – talk about everything, anything, all the time! Communication is Key!
- Be Active together! Find an activity that you both enjoy and want to do together regularly.
- Independence – this is important! Have a life outside of your marriage that features all the things that make you, YOU!
The most important thing to remember is that an affair usually means a deep longing for your own identity. A sense of self. You are not getting something that you used to from your spouse – validation. You can give yourself validation, so that your spouse no longer has to provide that for you, and you will also not have a longing to stray! Be good to yourselves and each other. Remember the person you were that your spouse fell in love with, and remember your spouse and the good times you had in the past. The memory of those good times can help to rekindle a flame that is dying out. The validation of knowing who you are and gaining the security you need can help you to fix anything that may be breaking up your marriage.
Couples counseling
Couples counseling can help prevent affairs before they start, but it can also help heal from an affair. Understanding the unique needs of each couple and creating marriage 2.0 is my strength. Contact me to find out how I can help create a relationship of your dreams!
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Jun 4, 2019 | Blog
Let’s talk about adult attachment!
Similar to the way that we attach to our primary caregivers as infants, there are four attachment styles that we may exhibit in our adult romantic relationships or in our adult friendships – secure, preoccupied, avoidant, and fearful.
These four styles lie on a spectrum characterized by low or high avoidance, and low or high anxiety. The amount of anxiety you feel and the amount of avoidance you partake in determine your attachment style. With a secure attachment, there is low anxiety and low avoidance; you feel close to your partner, you’re able to talk about difficult topics without negative emotions and without needing to leave, and have a consistent outlook on the relationship. In contrast, an avoidant attachment style is characterized by low anxiety and high avoidance; you may avoid any serious topic of conversation, and when you find yourself in a serious situation or feeling high levels of emotions, you may need to physically and emotionally detach from your partner, sometimes without warning and for a long period of time.
As a couples therapist, it’s important for me to help my clients identify their adult attachment styles and to find ways to work towards a secure attachment. Attachment style isn’t permanent – we have the capacity to change it!
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | May 31, 2019 | Blog, couples, divorce, mediation
Divorce is not easy for anyone, especially those with children. We establish a life around our families, and divorce forces us to redirect that life and create a new one. Collaborating on vacation ideas as divorced parents is tough.
The one constant factor in all of the chaos, of course, is the children. We need to be reminded constantly, that this kind of change can be detrimental to the children. Families can still be considered combined units, given the correct amicable terms. We can still communicate effectively and co-parent in ways that make the sting of divorce a little less unbearable.
The two things that families struggle with are holidays and vacations. Summer vacation is a prolonged amount of time where the children are not in school and therefore, the adults must work together in a compassionate and understanding manner to co-parent and work around each other’s schedules.
Below are some tips and ideas that may help the process along:
- Plan ahead – nothing makes things easier than a plan. Planning ahead and making sure that the plan works for both parents and children is best. Use tools such as Google Calendar to collaborate effectively.
- Let older children and teens help in the planning process. Make sure that this is done in a transparent way with everyone involved so that your family will still hold on to that united front, and feel combined.
- Communicate effectively – this ensures that everyone is heard, understood, and the plan will be able to proceed.
- Celebrate each other’s efforts in the planning process.
- Avoid the phrase “My Time” when referring to your parenting period with the children.
- Use the summer to maximize spending time with your child. At the times that you do have your children, try one of the items below:
- Beach Day
- Library Day
- Picnics
- Ice Cream Day
- Visit the Zoo
- Go to the park and fly kites!
- Playdays in the yard followed by a hot dog bbq
- Water Balloon Fights!
- Gardening Days
- Movie Nights
- Be Sensitive to important events such as birthdays, fathers day, etc.
- Welcome your children’s friends over at all times. The extra company over the summer may act as a buffer and help your child transition better to their new way of life.
- Make plans for your own relaxing “me-time” when your child is visiting with the other parent. This may be fun and something you look forward to.
- Let the “VEGGING” period begin. Let your child sleep in, watch tv all day, and veg out if needed.
- Relax and just spend time with your children. Concentrate on what’s most important to you, and make beautiful memories!
In conclusion, your family doesn’t have to be split up, the dynamic is only changing, but you are still very much a family, and your ex-spouse is still very much a part of your life as well as your children’s lives. Make the transition and shift easier for everyone by not holding on to bitter feelings, and try your best to be amicable at all times. The results will be a successful co-parented, united family, with happy children, and parents who are very good friends.
