by Marina Edelman, LMFT | May 11, 2019 | Blog
Written by Rachel Chistyakov, AMFT #108692
I lost my mother to suicide 10 years ago, when I was a teenager. I think about her daily and I always miss her presence in my life, but this pain is definitely amplified on Mother’s Day. Seeing pictures of my friends with their mothers, seeing commercials and ads for Mother’s Day deals and gifts, and getting countless emails from companies doing promotions for Mother’s Day can be exhausting for me and for countless others who don’t have a mom to share Sunday with.
Whether your mother has passed away, or if she hasn’t been a part of your life, or if you don’t have the best relationship with her, Mother’s Day can be a tough day emotionally to get through. Here are some tips that I have implemented in my life for the past ten years that have helped me cope with not having a mom on Mother’s Day.
- Take a break from social media. Being bombarded with photos of friends with their mothers and other Mother’s Day related content can be triggering and exhausting to see on a day that is already very heavy. This would be a good time to take a break from social media altogether; I recommend deleting social media apps off of your phone so that the temptation to go on isn’t even present! Then, once the Mother’s Day hype has passed, you can redownload the apps without having anything to worry about.
- Spend some time out in nature. Here in Los Angeles, the weather has been a little muggy recently, but even if it’s not the sunniest day out, I like to spend Mother’s Day out in nature on my own, with my dog, or with a close friend. I often find that being out in nature makes me feel closer to my mom, so spending my Mother’s Day outside has always given me some relief.
- Journal. Write down the feelings that you’re going through on this day in order to help you externalize them and document your journey through your grief. I haven’t had my mother in my life for a decade, yet certain important days like Mother’s Day make me feel like I am grieving her loss all over again. Writing down my thoughts and feelings on this day feels like a release for me. However, many people, including some of my own clients, dislike journaling because they don’t like going back and rereading triggering thoughts that they have had. If this is the case, I recommend shredding your journal entry afterwards- this allows you to still have a cathartic release, and the anxiety about having to reread your entry won’t be there.
- Visit the cemetery. If you can, I recommend spending some time on Mother’s Day at the cemetery. I often go and leave flowers for my mom, and I make it a habit to think of happier memories that I have of her when I am there. Often times, I see other women bringing blankets to sit by their mothers’ graves and I can overhear quiet conversations that they are having with their mothers. For some people it may be too early in the grieving process to take this step, and that’s okay. Everyone moves at their own pace.
- Confide in someone. Whether it’s a sibling, family member, friend, or therapist, confiding in one person about how difficult this day is for you allows you to have the support and love that you need on this day.
- Distractions are your friend! Order takeout from your favorite restaurant, rent your favorite movie, turn your phone to Do Not Disturb and indulge in some much-needed distractions on this difficult day. There’s nothing wrong with saying, “I don’t want to deal with this right now,” and finding something to do in order to take your mind off of things.
Mother’s Day is a difficult day for many of us; I hope that by sharing my own tips for getting through this day, I can help out whoever is in need. As a therapist, I work with many kids, teens, and adults who have lost their mothers in one way or another. Feel free to reach out for a free consultation at 818.422.7691, and know that you are not alone!
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Apr 28, 2019 | anxiety, Blog, friends
“Someone else’s opinion of you is none of your business.” – Rachel Hollis.
Perspective is an interesting concept – it is a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view. Everyone’s perspective is different. Everyone has shaped their own view of reality, and they perceive the ways that people treat them as good or bad. Even if the intention of the other person is not always to be good or bad. What if we suddenly changed our perspective of the way people treated us and just assumed that we were universally liked by everyone we meet? What would this do to our confidence, self-esteem, and general outlook on life? Would this perspective make us more social, more brave? More likely to do things that we normally wouldn’t? Would we be more willing to participate in more social occasions, therefore bringing more joy to our lives?
Confidence can do wonders for you! To build confidence, you need to change….your PERSPECTIVE. You need to assume that if someone is grumpy, or giving an attitude, that it has NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with their own situation. The saying “Assume they like you, and they will” is true! If you go in to a group setting, with an air of confidence, and the attitude that you are well-liked, then you will be!
Being afraid of rejection before being rejected is like poison to your confidence and slowly kills your chances of showing your true self. How can you show your wonderful personality through all that unwanted anxiety? How will people see how tremendous you are through all that fear? When you appear sheepish, scared, and afraid, you also start to obsess over what you say, and how you say it. This is not at all fun for you or for the group of friends you are trying to have a good time with.
Humans in nature are social creatures, and we have a need to belong somewhere. We need friends, loved ones, and people that are important to us, who we are also important to. There is an ongoing confusion between people needing to belong, and the NEED to belong consuming you. Sure, don’t obsess over people liking you. But know that you do need people in your life that are important to you. It doesn’t have to be a large group of people, but the value of people is great in your life.
If you come across as fearful of people rejecting you, then you are kind of coming across as fearful of people, in general. Remember that you are liked – from the very first meeting! Remember that your first impression will be enough, your first impression is luminous, your first impression is sensational!
If you feel you need help with your first impressions – here are five tips to making a good first impression. Just to boost that confidence level.
- Assume they already like you and they probably will.
- Treat them! Meet over food or coffee, if possible.
- Always shake their hand. Firm grip!
- Be Positive About Yourself!
- Show interest and ask questions about them.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Mar 21, 2019 | Blog, couples
A complete guide for couples who are ready to move in
There comes a time in every relationship when you decide that you are spending a lot of time together and sharing a tremendous amount of sleepovers. When this comes to a realization, then there is a big decision that needs to be made….do we move in together?
What do you consider when making this big decision? When is the right time? How do we combine our finances, space, and time?
So when IS the right time to move in together? There are some signs that could lead you in the right direction.
SIGNS YOU ARE READY TO MOVE IN TOGETHER
- You understand your partner, they understand you, and you both aware of and understand each others habits.
- You are comfortable discussing money and finances together.
- It’s getting a little inconvenient NOT to move in together. (Sleepovers and living out of a gym bag is not fun.)
- You both understand that it will be tough.
- You’re both completely independent.
- You make quality time for each other.
- You are both great at solving problems and talking out disagreements.
If you checked off more than a few of these signs you are golden!
When moving in together, I’ve put together a couple of different lists that include tips that can help you along the way.
THINGS TO CONSIDER
- Understand that your life is about to change DRAMATICALLY.
- You’re essentially married now, and will need to consider another person’s opinion of your finances, your schedule, your time, etc.
- Privacy will be non-existent. (Even bathroom time can be interrupted.)
- Chores are to be split evenly, the house will not clean itself, and it’s unfair to rely on your partner to keep the house clean.
- You will need to ASK for your alone time. It’s not going to be an automatic, natural, thing to have.
- You will need to learn how to solve your disagreements in the best, amicable way possible.
- There is an art to combining space and finances. It’s personal to everyone, you and your partner will have to figure out what works best for you.
TIPS TO COMBINING FINANCES
- Keep ONE account solely for paying bills (a “Bill-Pay” account) where both of you deposit money into for paying bills.
- You should both sit down every payday and discuss bills that are due, and expenses, together.
- Keep separate accounts for yourselves, but be open, honest, and give your partner access to your account.
TIPS TO COMBINING TIME AND SCHEDULES
It’s easy to forget that when you RSVP for any event, you must consider the schedule and time of the person you are sharing your life with. Here are some tips to help along the way.
- Sit every saturday or sunday and go over scheduling for the following week. Events, appointments, work, etc. Make sure that you are both on the same page.
- Use a calendar app, like google calendar, etc. and combine it for the use of you and your partner. Include your partner whenever you are scheduling a last minute appointment or event.
In conclusion, moving in together can be an exciting and joyous time full of possibilities and new ways to explore each other and be part of each other’s lives! But remember that it’s also difficult to combine two lives and two personalities, into one household. So be kind, understanding, and compassionate.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Feb 12, 2019 | Blog, couples, divorce
Empty Nest syndrome is defined as sadness or emotional distress that will affect parents whose children have grown up and left home. This usually happens when children leave home to go to college, get married, and the very last one has left home and moved away.
Who can be vulnerable to this? Well, basically any parent facing an empty home when their children are growing up and leaving the “nest” – so to speak. If you have children, it’s inevitable and is something that couples will have to face sooner or later.
So what are the challenges and how do couples overcome these challenges?
Challenge #1 – Neglect
One of the bigger challenges is that couples have neglected their marriage for so many years that they no longer know how to act like a couple with no children in the home to care for. Their entire lives were spent catering to and caring for their children. So when the children leave home, they are left with essentially, a stranger. They don’t know their partner in this whole new light.
Activities have revolved around the children for so many years, their birthdays, sports, school plays, etc.
So when all that is done….what’s next??
You have to get to know your partner all over again! You have to re-learn likes, dislikes, quirks, and it can be a struggle.
Challenge #2 – Feeling Differently
Another challenge is that two people who are married may have different views on empty nest syndrome altogether. One may have a feeling of relief and joy, while the other will have a feeling of despair and loneliness.
If one partner is experiencing a different kind of empty nest syndrome and may be adjusting better or appreciating life without children in the home, then there might be feelings that are brought to the surface of the marriage, such as tension and bitterness.
Challenge #3 – Worrying About the Children
Anxiety and worry about the children being so far away is another challenge that couples face. The worry alone is a stressor that can put a dark cloud over any marriage. Peace is not really something that is experienced in a household full of worry and anxiety. One partner may worry more than the other, and again, feelings of bitterness and tension will arise.
So how do couples overcome this?
- Try to reconnect together as a couple! Find things that are enjoyable for both parties and do them together! Hobbies, date nights, dinners, movies, anything!
- Ease the worry and tension by understanding how both parties feel! Show empathy towards the partner that is feeling more worry, and more despair, and try your best to help them through this period so that they don’t feel alone.
- Create a plan for reconnecting and stick to it! Weekly date nights, daily phone calls, brunch on the weekends, the possibilities are endless
- Try not to worry so much about your children! It’s difficult to do, but the task at hand is to make your marriage stronger so that you both can be there to support your adult children when they need you.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Jan 16, 2019 | Blog, Uncategorized
When I went back to school to get my masters to become a therapist, I was married with two small children. Part of my training involved reflecting on my family of origin and my nuclear family. My parents and step parents were very eager to help me recall nuances of my childhood and adolescent life. They were open to be analyzed and accepted their successes and failures.
I then turned my attention to my nuclear family. I began examining my children based on birth order, gender, type of pregnancy etc. My husband was a willing participant in putting our children and our parenting of them under a microscope. We changed from using a discipline model to organic consequences and saw positive changes.
Our marriage was and still is solid, so I turned the spotlight on him and us. There was a specific incident that I remember happened during a semester where I was learning to diagnose using DSM IV. During an argument I switched from arguing as a spouse and put on my therapist hat and disassociated from ‘US’. I felt very powerful in being able to see my husband as a client and quickly maneuvered in the argument to position my self as the winner.
This did not go over very well with him. Although not in the mental health field, he was a formidable opponent and called me out. Initially I resisted his assessment and continued to stand on my soap box. After a few more altercations of this sort, I realized that my marriage was suffering because I was not connecting with him but more looking at him as a client for whom I have unconditional positive regard but not love or true emotional connection with.
That was a turning point and I stopped being a therapist in my personal life. I expanded that to cover my friends, children and other family members. My practice is very fulfilling and I am able to create boundaries for myself to easily transition from Therapist to Civilian.
As a Gottman Level II therapist I attract a lot of couples. After session they tend to use therapy as a weapon in their fights by either quoting me or using what their partner shared, in a vulnerable state, against them. I strongly caution against that. This is one of the main reasons I see couples dropping out of counseling prematurely and not getting the help they need.
Talking about how the session went is common and healthy. Have a safe conversation by showing appreciation for transparency and validate your partners concerns. Your relationship will thank you!
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Dec 20, 2018 | Blog
Friendsgiving has become a staple and so has white elephant, but how else can you celebrate winter holidays with friends?
Here are some examples of what people around the world do to share the joy with their friends.
- Hold a glass pickle hunt. One of Germany’s favorite holiday traditions, this centuries-old game involves hiding a pickle ornament in a hard-to-spot place on the tree. The person who finds it first gets an extra present.
- Bake Challenge. Invite everyone over and challenge yourself and your friends by attempting homemade eggnog, candy canes, or cookies with a secret ingredient.
- Fried Chicken Until recently Christmas was not a big deal in Japan. A new, quirky “tradition” has emerged in recent years – a Christmas Day feast of the Colonel’s very own Kentucky Fried Chicken. Invite pals over and fry up some chicken with an award given to the tastiest one.
- Celebrate a holiday that is not your own There are 6 holidays celebrated in December all around the world that are not Christmas: Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Winter Solstice, Las Posadas, Diwali, Chinese New Year and many more
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by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Dec 17, 2018 | Blog, focus
Make things happen! Seize the day! You’ve heard the pep talk before. How do you motivate yourself to get up Monday morning and be productive?
The weekend allowed you to relax and regroup, so that you may return to work refreshed. Start Mondays from a new vantage point, review your priorities for the week and then assign your highest level of concentration to the hardest tasks first.
Here are some basic tips:
- Spend 10 minutes organizing and prioritizing emails.
- Only schedule meetings after 10 a.m.
- Turn off social media notifications
- Tidy your work area
- Embrace your routine
