by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Feb 23, 2023 | couples, couples counseling, love
Money is one of the most common sources of tension in a relationship. In fact, disagreements about finances are one of the leading causes of marital conflict. However, it doesn’t have to be that way. With some planning and communication, you can navigate finances as a couple and build a stronger relationship.
Here are a few tips to effectively manage finances in your relationship:
Have an Open and Honest Conversation: The first step to managing finances as a couple is to have an open and honest conversation. Talk about your financial goals, your spending habits, your debts, and your income. Share your concerns and be honest about your financial situation. This will help you both get on the same page and develop a plan for managing your money together.
Set a Budget: Once you have a clear understanding of your financial situation, set a budget. A budget will help you manage your money and ensure that you’re both on the same page about your expenses. Start by identifying your essential expenses, such as housing, utilities, and groceries, and then allocate money for discretionary spending, such as dining out and entertainment.
Identify Your Financial Goals: In addition to setting a budget, it’s important to identify your financial goals as a couple. Do you want to save for a down payment on a house, pay off debt, or save for retirement? Identifying your financial goals will help you prioritize your spending and make sure that your money is going towards the things that are most important to both of you.
Use Technology to Your Advantage: There are many financial tools and apps available that can help you manage your money as a couple. Consider using a budgeting app to track your spending and keep you on track with your financial goals. You can also use a shared spreadsheet or document to keep track of your expenses and make sure that you’re both on the same page.
Have Regular Check-Ins: To ensure that you’re staying on track with your financial goals, it’s important to have regular check-ins. Set a time each week or month to review your spending and adjust your budget as needed. This will help you stay accountable and ensure that you’re both working towards your financial goals.
Save for Big Expenses: Finally, it’s important to save for big expenses, such as a vacation or a home renovation. Set up a separate savings account for these expenses and contribute a set amount each month. This will help you avoid going into debt and ensure that you’re able to enjoy these expenses without financial stress.
Seek support: If you find you and you partner continuing to struggle with communication and navigating issues around finances, seeking support from a therapist may be helpful.
Managing finances as a couple is an important part of building a strong and healthy relationship. By being open and honest with your partner and actively listening to each other, you and you partner can build a brighter financial future together.
If you are your partner need additional support, I am currently accepting new clients both online and in-person. You may call me at the number below or book directly on my website!
marinaedelman.com 818.851.1293
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Feb 3, 2023 | couples, couples counseling, holiday, love, marriage
Valentine’s Day is a special occasion celebrated by lovers all over the world. It is a day dedicated to expressing love, affection, and appreciation to your significant other. The holiday has its roots in ancient Rome, where a festival called Lupercalia was held to celebrate love and fertility. Today, Valentine’s Day is widely recognized as a day to celebrate love in all its forms, whether it be romantic love, familial love, or the love of friends.
Valentine’s Day is the perfect opportunity to show your significant other how much you care. Here are some tips to help you make the most of the romantic holiday with your partner:
Plan ahead: The key to making the most of Valentine’s Day is to plan ahead. This will ensure that you have enough time to arrange for a special surprise or make reservations for a romantic dinner.
Do something special: Whether it’s cooking a special meal together or going on a romantic outing, make sure to do something that is unique and memorable. This could be anything from visiting a museum to taking a hot air balloon ride.
Spend quality time together: Take the time to really connect with your partner by having a meaningful conversation or doing an activity that you both enjoy. This could be anything from playing a game to taking a long walk together.
Be thoughtful: Show your partner how much you care by going the extra mile to make them feel special. This could be as simple as sending them a handwritten love letter or buying them a special gift.
Surprise your partner: Surprise your partner by doing something unexpected. This could be anything from cooking their favorite meal to planning a weekend getaway.
Show appreciation: Take the time to appreciate your partner and everything they do for you. Express your gratitude by giving them a hug, a kiss, or by simply saying “I love you.”
Be present: Put down your phone and other distractions and focus on your partner. Make an effort to be fully present and engaged in the moment.
Have fun: Above all, remember to have fun. Laugh, enjoy each other’s company, and make lasting memories together.
By following these tips, you can make the most of Valentine’s Day with your partner and show them just how much they mean to you.
*Reminder* Valentine’s Day should not be the only day of the year you are showing your partner love and appreciation. Remember to continue to work on your relationship the other 364 days of the year!
If you are your partner are needing some extra support, I am currently accepting new clients both online and in-person. You may call me at the number below or book directly on my website!
marinaedelman.com 818.851.1293
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Jan 24, 2023 | couples, couples counseling, divorce, love, marriage
Are you fighting with your partner based on assumptions or reality?
There is no doubt that couples will fight in their relationship. Whether these fights are productive or not it is important to recognize where your arguments are coming from? Are they coming from an assumption or something that happened in real time or (reality)..
Here are a few common reasons couple’s fight:
- Finances
- Frequency of sex
- Kids
- Division of labor (who does what in the house)
- Extended family
- Lack of quality time
- Lack of romance
So…. what if my argument is based off an assumption?
Assumptions in relationships can include assuming your partners motives, thoughts, feelings, or needs. Assumptions can be pretty destructive in relationships and can lead to a spiral of misunderstanding, miscommunication, and add further distance between you and your partner.
Assumptions can look like:
“He is being really quiet so obviously he is mad at me.”
“You should know exactly what I want, why should I have to ask you?”
“I know how she feels”
“We will be so much happier if we do XYZ”
Assumptions can lead to shutting down during arguments and a total loss of connection with your partner. If you are constantly assuming what your partner is thinking or why they did what they did, often times they may feel judged and helpless because they are not given the chance to explain what they are actually thinking or feeling.
The Four Agreements is a wonderful read that offers insight into how self-limiting beliefs that can impact our lives.
One of the 4 agreements states:
“Don’t Make Assumptions: We should not assume that others know what we think or what we want, and vice versa. We should communicate our needs and our feelings clearly, and we should ask questions instead of jumping to conclusions when thinking about the behaviors of others.”
This goes hand in hand with relationships. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Whatever you may be thinking or assuming about your partner, stop, pause, and communicate what you are feeling with them. Having open and honest dialogue based off of reality and not assumptions will only lead to better communication between you and your partner.
Old habits can be hard to break but with a conscious effort, couples can become aware of the assumptions they are making.
Check-in with your partner and asking questions like:
“How can I support you right now?”
What are your thoughts about XYZ?”
“Can I share my thoughts and feelings about this with you?”
“How do you feel about this situation?”
Questions like these open up the opportunity for honest and open conversations and allow you to better understand your partners thoughts and feelings.. Give it a try!
If you and you partner are struggling with communication, my associates and I are currently accepting new clients. Couples therapy can be very beneficial for the overall health and longevity of your relationship.
marinaedelman.com 818.851.1293
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Feb 22, 2022 | anxiety, Blog, couples, couples counseling, group, love, marriage, pregnancy
Mood Swings During Pregnancy Are Common
One big reason for pregnancy mood swings is a women’s rapidly changing hormones, specifically estrogen and progesterone. Estrogen, associated with serotonin, levels soar during the first trimester and can cause emotional distress. Most commonly resulting in increase in anxiety and irritability.
Second common reason for emotional dysregulation is the obvious physical discomforts such as morning sickness, fatigue and constipation, etc. We can all relate to our mood changing when we feel physically uncomfortable. Because these changes happen in the first trimester, women feel like there isn’t a relief in sight and know that symptoms will only get worse.
The third most common reason for change in mood is directly related to weight gain. Whether the weight gain is drastic or gradual, change in weight can be stressful for some. Feelings of insecurity during pregnancy and fears of loosing wight after pregnancy can trigger obsessive thoughts. Social media portraying high profile individuals dropping weight and being red carpet ready within weeks of delivery, doesn’t help.
Gender Disappointment
One of the most taboo subjects to talk about is the baby’s gender. Many people feel shame in revealing they actually have a preference. Just know that you are not alone, this is very common. Feelings of guilt about disappointment, regretting the pregnancy, and doubt over one’s ability to parent or love this child is common.
There are a few reasons why one might feel disappointment:
- Preference, dream of sharing an experience with a certain gender
- Culture
- Gender diversity of the family – family full of boys might want a girl etc.
- Intimidation at raising a child of opposite gender – fear of the unknown
- Fear of the child creating a stronger bond with the parent that is the same gender
Coping Strategies During Pregnancy
- This is your time to recommit to the relationship. Prioritize each other by focusing on your partners social, emotional, and physical needs.
- Allow for all feelings to be expressed. If new emotions, such as rage, occur being curious and comforting. Validate and support one another.
- Communication has never been as important as it is now. Validate by acknowledging your loved ones emotions, thoughts, experiences, values, and beliefs. You don’t have to agree, just express understanding and acceptance.
- Stop reading parenting and pregnancy books. Humans have been doing this for 300,000 years. You have instinct, trust it!
- Be patient, allow space for errors.
- The non-pregnant spouse can show true unwavering support by changing behaviors such as substance use, making better eating choices, prioritizing rest etc. It’s hard for the pregnant partner to have their life be completely changed and watch their mate continue to live as if nothing happened.
- Connect with other expecting couples.
- Engage in nesting type of conversations. Register for gifts, identify and design the nursery, find childcare and so on.
- Find a counselor who can the two of you navigate uncharted waters.
Final Words from Marina Edelman, LMFT
Pregnancy is difficult for both partners in different ways. What ever you are feeling I can guarantee someone else out there feels exactly the same. I recently hosted an in person pregnancy support group in my office. It was wonderful! The women were able to openly share all of the emotions they have been to embarrassed to express with their girlfriends for fear of judgment.
Marina Edelman | 818.851.1293 | marinaedelman.com | Westlake Village, CA
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Oct 19, 2021 | couples, couples counseling, divorce, fall, love, marriage, mediation, self-care, Uncategorized
FALL BACK IN LOVE…READ MORE TO LEARN HOW
The leaves are changing, the air is crisp, the aroma of pumpkin latte’s and pumpkin everything else is cropping up all around you. There may be a feeling of warmth and festivity in the air as the seasons change, so why is there a chill between you and your partner?
For many, the changing of the seasons signals a natural inclination for newness and growth. Instead of widening the gap and growing apart, take this seasonal cue from Mother Nature and seize the opportunity to FALL BACK in love, creating more opportunity for you and your partner not only to connect, but to flourish!
Seasonal changes as well as relationship changes are organic and normal as everyone experiences highs and lows. While these fluctuations are part of even the healthiest relationships, we sometimes need to be reminded that we have the power to strengthen and increase more of the connection in our relationships that may have diminished over time.
“Autumn shows us how beautiful it is to let things go” ~Anonymous
By increasing mindful awareness this season and letting go of some resentments and bitterness that may have crept in over time, you and your partner can reconnect. In the beginning of your relationship its often effortless to act simply as smiley lover’s loving love. These feelings of infatuation can naturally decrease if left unattended leaving one or both partners feeling disillusioned and questioning the future of the relationship.
Some signs of relationship dissatisfaction creeping in are:
– Your speech with one another becoming more sarcastic than sweet
– You may be less careful with one another’s feelings and ignore bids for attention
– You no longer “date” one another like you did when the relationship was new
– You begin to fantasize about being with someone else or being better off alone
– Instead of admiring your partners strengths, you focus only on their shortcomings
– You find yourself asking “Is this as good as it gets? Or even “Have I fallen out of love permanently?”
If these signs are familiar to you, realize that not only are you not alone, but that you have the power within you to create desired change today. By “being the change you wish to see” in your relationship you can influence your partner and can reignite the passion that you may have once feared was only a thing of seasons past.
Here are SIX things you can try today to FALL BACK in LOVE with your partner.
1. Get cozy! Take advantage of the changing season by inviting your partner to move closer to you. Keeping each other can warm the heart in more ways than one.
2. Rekindle though traditions. Don’t have any? Begin where you are by adding rituals for the holidays, or even for your daily routine. Fun is not just for kids and is important for “grown-ups” too. The pumpkin patch and piles of Autumn leaves await!
3. Gratitude. With Thanksgiving coming, be proactive now by counting your blessings and focusing on what you do have vs don’t have in your relationship.
4. Take a stroll down Memory Lane. What was it that attracted you to each other in the beginning? Remember the things that you signed up for when you made a commitment to the person that you share your life with.
5. Recommit to being “ALL IN ” in your relationship thought the power of decision. Love is a verb after all. You can begin again by remembering all the things that you did for and with your partner in the beginning when the feelings were more alive. Make a conscious decision to doing them again and doing them with kindness.
6. Self-care may sound cliché but there is a reason for it. Take care of YOU. If you want to rekindle passion in your relationship, take care of yourself outside of the relationship and make sure that your individual needs are met. If you are feeling bad about your own life, it’s hard to keep your relationship flame alive.
Don’t wait until January 1st to add “Work on the relationship” to your lengthy list of resolutions. By moving towards your desired future now, It will not only improve your relationship, but it can also make space for your other adventurous resolutions like fitness, fencing, fantasy football, or something else that you would like to have more of in your life. If more of what you need is a happier relationship, or just to “be,” In either case, do it now. Your future self- will thank you.
Blog post written by Sharalee Hall AMFT, she is available to meet with couples and families in person and online . Feel free to reach out and schedule a complimentary session.
marinaedelman.com 818.851.1293
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Aug 26, 2021 | Blog, couples, divorce, mediation
Divorce can be hard and have a negative impact. But the same can be said for staying in a long-term bad marriage.
Over the last 20 years divorce rates have been declining. A striking contrast to this trend is a phenomenon known as the “Gray Divorce.” Gray divorce describes a rise in divorce rates for couples 45 plus who are choosing to end their marriages later in life. In fact, over the last 20 years the divorce rates have more than doubled in this demographic. The notion and norm from previous generations which valued staying together “no matter what”, and “growing old” with a life-partner seems to be shifting in favor of individual freedom and happiness in cases where a marriage has not been working for either one or both partners. The divorce rate continues to rise for couples over 45 in long-term marriages for several reasons. Research has shown a rise in life expectancy over the past few decades, and with couples expecting to live longer and healthier lives there is more time to consider the impact of the decision to divorce may have on their quality of life. While couples are continuing to stay in unhappy marriages “for the sake of the kids” in recent years there has shown to be increase in divorce rates when the nest is finally empty. The past stigma of divorce has become less potent over time which has impacted this trend. Second and third marriages have a significant likelihood to end in divorce which is a factor. Also, the impact of women earning more money and achieving more career success than previous generations has led to the continuing rise in divorce in the second half of life.
Gray divorce can lead to positive change, second chances and hope for a new fulfilling chapter for separating spouses. It can also have a downside that can be especially challenging for older populations such as isolation, depression, financial insecurity, health challenges, and new relationship issues with adult children who are dealing with the loss of their parents’ long-term marriage much differently than their parents may be.
1. Loss of a long-term dream. While both partners grieve the end of a marriage the spouse who initiates the divorce may seem to be dealing with the loss better than the other, as they may have had more time to process and accept their choice. This can be particularly challenging for the spouse for whom the divorce was not their choice but is now their reality. Although change is a constant part of life, many people find it to be difficult to manage and accept which and can lead to isolation.
2. Teenage and Adult Children. Many unhappy spouses with children struggle with the decision to either end the marriage while the kids are still young or wait to separate when the kids launch into their own adult lives. The “Empty nest” is big reason for Gray divorce. Children struggle to adjust at any age with their parents’ divorce, this can be more impactful and unexpected for teenage and adult children who assume that since their parents made it that far that their marriage would endure. Parents relationships with their older children can become challenging due to delayed divorce. It can be a struggle for all members of the once in-tact family to come to terms with the changes and loss caused by the break-up in and they may do so in much different ways.
3. Finances. Gray divorce can either take place during retirement or with retirement not too far into the future. Older couples may have had more time to save, but the impact of divorce can lead to a substantial financial hit and with less time to recover before retirement. There are likely more assets to divide which can be complicated at the very least and lead to animosity when the couple is not in agreement on how to untangle and divide what they have built over-time. Whether to keep or sell the family home is often a challenge, as well as making sure that both parties can continue to take care of insurance and healthcare needs that are vital for couples approaching an age where health concerns can be greater.
4. Difficult Emotions. Whether or not there may be positive changes on the horizon due to the split there is still grief and loss. Attending to emotional needs is crucial at this time, in order to successfully navigate the five stages of grief which are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. It is vital to rely on an either an existing support system during divorce or create a new one if needed. Family and friends can be great support, but sometimes different perspectives or burnout can lead to a need to seek new ways to get emotional needs met. There are divorce groups and other support groups that can promote healing and prevent what may be the worst result of a divorce, which is isolation. Studies show that former spouses enduring divorce have higher rates of depression than those whose spouses have died. The risk of isolation in Gray divorce can be higher and with the likelihood of an increase in physical and mental health problems show up showing up connection is vital. Reaching out for help from an individual or family therapist can be very beneficial during the divorce adjustment and can lead to healing and redefining life and goals as your newly single-self.
Divorce, especially in the second- half of life can range from difficult to devastating. This can also be a time of reinvention and new beginnings as you make room for yourself and for new possibilities. You can start over and make changes that are important to your well-being. Divorce, at any age, is not what couples have in mind when making wedding vows. Nonetheless, by putting yourself first for the first time, or the first time in a long time, you may find that trading “happily” ever-after,” for “Happier” ever after, is not such a bad thing after all.
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Written by Sharalee Hall, Marriage and Family Associate of TrueMe Counseling Center.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | May 2, 2021 | couples, marriage
Communicate, Communicate some more, And Now Again!
I never meet couples in my practice who over communicate. Instead I meet couples who make wrong assumptions about one another, stonewall and say things like “what’s the point” or “nothing I say matters”, fight to win.
Sounds like you? It’s o.k. and even beneficial for your relationship to fight as long as it’s done with intention to gain closeness or increase understanding. Unfortunately couples get lost in the power struggle that is created. How it comes about no-one knows but they know they are in the middle of it. It feels like a cob web, you don’t see it as you are walking through the forest but you sure know you walked right into it. Getting out of the web or power struggle is a struggle on its own. You promise yourself to not repeat a mistake but nevertheless find ourself battling for control. Who started it – anyone’s guess. Who ends it – either one can.
There is a theory, not sure who to attribute it too, that we enter into a committed relationship with someone who inadvertently picks on our wounds. They don’t mean to do it but they do it. Ever point out a bruise to your significant other just to have them push on it? They are trying to confirm the visual and accidentally do it too hard. From a relationship stand point, let’s say Partner A feels anxious if a fight is not immediately repaired and they marry Partner B who needs time to process. When Partner B asks for time they are not trying to punish or reject Partner A and yet that is exactly how it feels. So who should sacrifice their needs?
Maybe no one needs too. A great tool is for both partners to validate their needs in an exaggerated way. So in this instance Partner A would say “I know you need time to process and despite my fear of being apart during this time I will wait for you”. Partner B should validate and offer up something to comfort Partner A “I appreciate you acknowledging my need, let’s talk in 2 hours”. At this point it is vital for Partner B to stick to that promise. In absence of following through on this commitment betrayal and mistrust will start to grow.
The example above sounds very forced and formal. This is not how you will continue to speak but sometimes when learning a new skill exaggeration helps. Remember when you started to drive and you were very mechanical in checking rear view mirror and then paying attention to the road and then checking side mirrors and so on. Think of retraining yourself as learning to drive. Yes it is mechanical but the results are worth it. Slowly natural patterns will set in and trust and attunement will be second nature.
Try these communication tools:
- Speak with good intention
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- Is your intention to win an argument or be understood
- Validate what your spouse just said even if you disagree.
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- Validation is not an apology or an agreement, simply restate what your partner said
- Speak slowly and for short period of time
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- Your partner can’t process or remember a monologue
- Use ‘I Statements’
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- I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to not accuse but merely share a feeling
- Stay on topic
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- The flood gates have opened up and you are finally talking but practice self restraint and stay focused on one topic until a resolution has been reached
In my subsequent blogs I will share the second part of healthy communication practices. For now see if you can incorporate these 5 into your relationship. These tips are beneficial not just for romantic partners but for platonic and professional relationships as well.
Please visit marinaedelman.com to learn more about me or follow me on Instagram @marina.on.marriage. Feel free to leave comments or ask follow up questions. Happy Coupling!
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“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart.”
—Helen Keller
