by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Feb 4, 2021 | couples, marriage
VALENTINES DAY! Thinking outside of the heart shaped box.
Finally, February is here! Love is in the air; romance is nearly in full bloom as the most romantic holiday of the year is quickly approaching. It’s no secret, as local drug store aisles are bursting with pink and red heart shaped chocolates, teddy bears, and somewhere in the rows and rows of sentimental parchment awaits the perfect card, with the perfect words, just waiting to express to your chosen one your deepest love and devotion.
Valentine’s Day has been commercialized
Valentine’s Day sometimes gets a bad rap as an overly commercial holiday exclusively for those who are in committed romantic relationships. Even then sometimes those who are in said relationships often have different expectations of the highly anticipated V-day leading to less than desirable outcomes. Singles and couples alike have questioned the need for there to be one specific day of the year to celebrate love when in reality we human types need doses of love on the daily. On Valentine’s Day, love may be in the air…but sometimes so is anxiety.
Feelings surrounding Valentine’s Day
Valentine’s Day may bring up varying degrees of excitement, expectation, melancholy or even fear, depending on the age and state of your relationship, or lack thereof. And then there is social media, bursting at the seams with perfect images of gorgeous couples celebrating in the oh-so ideal way. Breathe. It can all be well, and well… even blissful, in a way that suits your unique circumstances.
Social interaction can have a significant influence on mental health and psychological well-being on Valentine’s Day, as well as the other 364 days of the year. No matter your relationship status, you can celebrate by reaching out and connecting with those who matter the most to you. Whether you’re married, dating, single, or consciously un-coupled, Valentine’s Day can be for anyone interested in a day of highlighting love and connection.
But I am single on Valentine’s Day
Are you single and have other single friends? Make plans to connect. Physical distance does not have to mean “social” distance in the days of Zoom. Are all of your friends in relationships? Do something special with family, or reach out to someone that you know may be in need. Giving can be a wonderful way to not only to help someone else, but it will also in turn increase your well-being at the same time.
Finally, Valentine’s Day can be an excellent opportunity to show love to the one who needs it the most. Yourself. Who better to celebrate with then the one with whom you have been in a relationship the longest? Self-love can be the best way to spend the “all hearts day” by piling on the self-care. This can be done according to your own desire: getting flowers or a special gift for yourself, doing something you’ve always wanted to do, or maybe doing nothing at all because with your very busy schedule: it is about time.
Valentine’s Day can be amazing for couples but remember, it’s not just for couples. Family, friends, and especially you can get special treatment and much-deserved attention making this a very special, and LOVEly day.
No matter how you choose to celebrate your personal version of love and connection- Happy Valentine’s Day!
________________________________
Sharalee Hall is Marina Edelman’s associate. She has experience working with couples struggling to create a loving marriage. She is currently accepting new clients via tele therapy.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Jul 9, 2020 | couples, divorce, marriage
So you have been with your spouse for quite a while, it’s normal to assume you know how they will act, think, or even feel in a specific situation. But how well do you really know your partner? Take the Gottman quiz to find out.
More often than not, acting like you can guess what your partner might be thinking isn’t the most productive thing to do. Mind reading can create a bigger issue. You may wind up spiraling into a whirlwind of stress and pessimism that snowballs into a major clash. This conflict can keep you from learning the truth about your partner’s feelings and keep you stuck in gridlock situations. Not giving your partner the benefit of the doubt will drive you further and further apart.
So what is one to do? Assume the best about your spouse.
Giving the Benefit of the Doubt is One of the Most Powerful Tools
Would you be able to think about a circumstance where you didn’t assume the best about your spouse? You stirred yourself up… and afterward felt amazingly humiliated when the reality of the situation was uncovered. You didn’t have anything to stress over in any case!
Assuming the best about your spouse not just causes you to stay away from these emotions, it advances trust and tolerance in your relationship. It shields your spouse from becoming defensive. It shows them that you value and respect them.
Also, if a past negative suspicion was accurate, it lets them see that you accept their ability to change and improve. Your spouse will feel closer to you and progressively valued by you. Which is probably going to make them assume the best about you, as well.
So how would you train yourself to assume the positive instead of the negative?
How about you switch places (in Imago terms it’s called visiting each others country).
For example, you’re running late for dinner. Your telephone dies; you’re trapped in rush hour gridlock, the unexpected client shows up….Sounds familiar and possible?
Eventually, you show up at the restaurant, late, tired, and hungry. Your spouse promptly treats you with complete disdain. Or even better accuses you of being vindictive and not caring. You attempt to clarify, yet they won’t have it! Is there any good reason why they shouldn’t trust what you are saying?
It truly hurts when a spouse doesn’t assume the best about you. When both people show up as their best selves – the relationship benefits.
Channel empathy towards your mate. They are playing for the same team as you. When something upsets you, be open to accepting your loved ones’ subjective reality. Simply enquire about what happened to make them late. Don’t challenge their decisions or offer alternative options. This already happened and simply enjoy the present moment.
See the situation from your spouse’s perspective. Accept that they are attempting their best and mean well. Different approaches to life are not wrong, just different. Sometimes negative feelings can flood us and our best efforts at dismissing them do not work. Try softly addressing the problem from a solution mindset.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | May 29, 2020 | Blog, couples, marriage
Wouldn’t it be great if relationships came with an “easy button” like so many other things in our tech-heavy world? So many things run on autopilot these days: planes, phones, and even cars that can drive themselves!
In this world where many things work well with automation, it can be a good reminder that relationships retain a more old-fashioned quality. So often when relationships begin, things may seem perfect and effortless. This can feel amazing and we can get our hopes up and think that we have found soulmate perfection.
When the heady excitement wanes, it’s also easy to become disillusioned. You may think you have fallen out of love or (gasp) blame your partner for what you perceive as cracks in the relationship, leaving you wondering where things went wrong. Human relationships, not unlike our plants and pets, need nourishment and attention in order to create the conditions needed to thrive.
It can be easy to fall into a routine of the tried and true and lose sight of the fact that you must tend to your relationship. By adding some new behaviors and paying more attention to each other, your relationship can align more with what you and your partner both truly desire.
Here are a few practical tips that can reignite the flames, generate some new sparks, and keep your relationship alive and connected.
1. Learn each other’s love language. What makes you feel loved? It’s likely that your partner’s love needs are different than yours. It may be that neither of you are aware of this difference, leading to what feels like perpetual miscommunication. To figure out your love language, you and your partner can take this brief online quiz separately and then share your answers. The results may surprise you!
2. Reach out and … touch. We all need to be held. Infants have a basic need for loving contact to survive and this continues at every stage of life. Touching your partner often throughout the day — not just in the bedroom or when initiating sex — can increase intimacy in the bond between you. Family therapist Virginia Satir once said, “We need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. And we need 12 hugs a day for growth.” Reach out for more growth and connection!
3. Take turns turning on the romance. Take turns planning date night at least once a month. Make your partner feel special by planning something for the two of you. This can be something elaborate like fine dining in a restaurant you both enjoy or having a picnic in the backyard with a blanket, mood music, and candles. Be creative and enjoy your time together.
4. Make frequent “love deposits.” We all have a love bank that keeps track of how we’re treated by others. Making deposits by treating your partner with love and respect keeps the account full. Making withdrawals with criticism and contempt can leave your account empty or even overdrawn. By keeping each other’s love bank full by making many more deposits than withdrawals, you can increase love and safety in your relationship. What is your love bank balance?
5. End Groundhog Day arguments. Do you have a particular topic that keeps leading to arguments? If so, try to finally get it resolved. Set aside a time to talk, agree on a maximum time limit (maybe 20 minutes if the topic isn’t too complex), and require that you both stay on the topic so progress can be made instead of escalating the conflict. One tip for increasing partnership for potentially triggering conversations is to sit side by side instead of across from each other. This small move can make the conversation feel less adversarial and promote partnership and intimacy.
6. Time out isn’t just for toddlers. Conflict is part of every healthy relationship. Become familiar with the pattern of conflict between you and your partner and agree to take a time out if things become heated or destructive. When you both calm down, come back to the topic, repair if needed, and if you still can’t see eye to eye, agree to disagree.
7. Keep it positive. There’s no need to bare it all in relationships by sharing every negative thought and reaction with your partner. No relationship or person is perfect. According to John Gottman, healthy relationships have a 5 to 1 ratio, with 5 being positive communication and 1 being the negative. According to Gottman’s extensive relationship research, it takes five good interactions to clean up the negative effects of one bad.
8. Learn the art of listening deeply. Drop your primitive lizard brain defenses so you can actually hear your partner. When you listen to your partner, are you actually listening or just planning your reply or way to prove them wrong? Our most important human need is to be heard and understood, and it’s hard to achieve that without a mutual awareness of this need.
9. Have fun together. Never underestimate the power of sharing fun and adventure together. With adult relationships and adult responsibility, it’s easy to lose the magic of childhood, where play was our work. This doesn’t have to end when we become grown-ups.
Reconnect to yourself and your partner through your inner child. Reflect on some things that light you up and that you love to do just for the fun of it. One way to add more fun to your life is to reflect on your childhood dreams. Share them with your partner and be open to experiencing things that they enjoy. Even if it’s not your cup of tea, be willing to share in the things that they enjoy in order to deepen your understanding and connection to one another. Those who play together stay together.
By Sharalee Hall, MA, AMFT. Sharalee is an associate at the office of Marina Edelman, LMFT. You can read more about her here.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Apr 29, 2020 | affair, couples, marriage
How much is too much to share with family and friends about problems in your marriage?
When you first meet someone you run to your friends and family and tell them about this great human that just entered your life. You look forward to introducing them and then hold a debriefing session, feverishly taking in their opinions and observations. You hold onto their every word, ask them for advice on how to proceed in situation X, and analyze your new found loves actions with your mates. confiding in friends about problems in marriage
After several months your love’s imperfections start to surface. You have your first fight. You might even ‘take a break’ to figure things out. Friends and family are there by your side the entire time. They help you figure out what is a deal breaker or how to help your boyfriend/girlfriend see your view point – because if they saw it from your perspective of course they would succumb to your influence. The input of your inner circle is crucial at this stage of relationship.
In front of community at large you take your vows and commit to each other for life. After a couple of years the novelty of married life has worn off and real problems and grid lock situations emerge. So what do you do? You go back to what worked to begin with, you start seeking counsel of your inner circle that helped you at the onset of your relationship.
Traditional marriage is designed to be exclusive – a unique dyad that provides a safe confidential place for each spouses heart to live. When a third party is consistently brought into the relationship, safety and sanctity of the relationship gets disturbed. It is almost impossible for your tribe to offer unbiased advice. After all they are loyal and committed to you and therefore see you through rose colored glasses. The chances a Mother will tell her daughter how unreasonable she is, are pretty low.
Yet we are social beings and need to process situations and feelings out loud. So what is one to do. One obvious answer is to find a couples counselor who can help you both find solutions to unresolved issues or guide your communication to a cleaner and healthier path. But we still want to open up to people we love and pour our hearts out to those that care about us. For the record I strongly advise against airing dirty laundry in public. Confiding to your support system sounds like a good idea at the time but can drive a wedge between your spouse and you. They might feel betrayed and ambushed. Feelings of shame can surface prior to family gatherings which would effect your spouses desire to socialize. Please take all of this into consideration prior to opening up.
In 2014 research (1) by Kirsten Lind Seal for University of Minnesota showed that 73.3% of U.S. adults reported ever having been a confidant to someone with a couple relationship problem, while 62.6% had themselves confided in someone about a relationship problem. “Women were more likely to be confidants than men, as were individuals with more education. The most common confiding relationship was between friends, followed by siblings. Confidants had a wide range of marital problems brought them, including common issues such as disagreements over money along with serious issues such as infidelity and divorce.” So now that we established we shouldn’t confide in others about our marital distress, but majority of us do, how to do it without ruining our marriage.
Best Practices of Confiding
- Set your intention in receiving help and guidance
- Find a confidant that is non-judgmental, supportive listener and offers alternative perspective
- Avoid spouse bashing
- Brainstorm solutions not just regurgitate the problem
- Tell your spouse ahead of time that this is happening to avoid an unpleasant surprise
- Share the gist of what is upsetting not the dirty details
- Limit sharing to one person
Prioritize your marriage by dealing with your problems together. If you’ve already confided about your partner to others, don’t despair it’s not too late to make things better. Consider circling back to your confidant and mention some of the things you appreciate about your partner. At times we may feel hopeless that things can get better. As a marriage and family therapist for 15 years I can tell you that I have seen couples make huge turnarounds by putting effort and time into their love. It takes commitment to see how each of you contribute to the relationship from a negative and positive position.
Marina Edelman is a Licensed Psychotherapist in private practice for 15 years. She has helped countless couples design fulfilling beautiful relationships using Gottman Method along with Emotional Focused Therapy to create long lasting results. She has been published in Huffington Post and most recently quoted in The Lily (subsidiary of Washington Post).
(1) https://conservancy.umn.edu/bitstream/handle/11299/182758/Seal_umn_0130E_15233.pdf?sequence=1
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Apr 3, 2020 | Blog, couples, marriage
Sitcoms lead us to believe that women pretend to have headaches to avoid sex. But more and more often I encounter couples where the man is either not interested or is unable to perform sexually.
Whether it’s you or your spouse who doesn’t want to initiate sex, falling into the trap of a sexless marriage is dangerous. It can lead to depression, unhappiness in your marriage, and both physical and emotional affairs. About 15-20% of people are in a sexless marriage — and sometimes they don’t even know why.
It’s easy to blame busy schedules and lack of time, but you can always schedule in time to be intimate. So what is leading to all these platonic marriages? And how do you bring passion back?
What leads to a sexless marriage?
Between work and kids and life, it’s easy to come up with excuses for not wanting to be intimate with your spouse. But the longer it continues, the harder it can be to reconnect and feel passionate again.
The quicker you can determine what’s causing your lack of intimacy, the faster you can work on fixing the problem.
Medical problems
Medical problems are a good place to start when it comes to determining why you or your partner have zero libido. Often hormone deficiencies like low testosterone can lower your sex drive.
Loss of libido is also linked to conditions like depression, high blood pressure, and diabetes. Certain medications, including antidepressants, can cause you to lose interest in sex.
Stress
Stress makes you feel sluggish, which in turn affects your metabolism and weight and inadvertently leads to poor body image. Stress also affects your body by overproducing a hormone called cortisol that directly reduces your libido.
Emotional disconnection
People often think that a loss of interest in sex means their partner is no longer physically attracted to them. But reduced attraction usually has less to do with appearance and more to do with unexpressed and unresolved unhappiness in the relationship or marriage. When you feel emotionally detached from your partner, it’s hard to want to be physically intimate.
Lack of romance
This can go hand-in-hand with emotional disconnection. A lack of romance often leads to a lack of intimacy. If you think back to when your relationship first started, there were probably a lot of romantic gestures that made you feel close to and engaged by your partner. When these go away, it can be harder to feel the excitement and connection that lead to sex.
Poor communication
Unless you talk to your partner about how their lack of interest affects you, they may have no idea. Failing to communicate your needs and desires can directly impact how often you have sex.
Fixing a sexless marriage
Maybe you haven’t had sex with your spouse for months, or even years. Once you get into the routine of not having sex, it can seem impossible to fix. But you can find your way back to each other and reignite connection and passion in your relationship.
The first thing to do is talk. Talk about your sexual needs and how they aren’t being fulfilled. Just the act of talking alone can lead to the closeness and connection that may have been missing.
Learn to reduce your stress. Stress management is an important step in bringing intimacy back into your relationship. When you can let go of some of those things that bring you the most stress, you leave yourself more open to spend time with your partner and be relaxed.
Check in with your doctor. Get a check up at the doctor to rule out underlying medical conditions or have your meds changed. Once medical problems are ruled out, then issues such as stress, mood, and marital satisfaction can be addressed.
Get counseling. Talking through issues of intimacy may be hard for you or your partner for many reasons. Connecting with a couples therapist can help you learn to talk about the issues that have led to your sexless marriage and help you find ways to be intimate again. Tools like Gottman’s online marriage assessment can help me quickly hone in on issues in your marriage. Together, we can work on addressing those issues so you feel closer again.
Bring back the romance. Romance doesn’t have to be grand gestures or long weekends away. Those may not even be possible if you have a demanding job and kids. Romance could be laughing with your partner for a few minutes every night, picking up your spouse’s favorite food for dinner, or spending time on the patio listening to your favorite songs.
Change the emphasis. Men’s sexuality is often defined by society and themselves as the ability to perform on demand. If they can’t achieve an erection or climax, men often develop performance anxiety and become withdrawn, angry, or suppress sexual desires. Women often need more emotional connection when it comes to sex and may feel even more detached and self-conscious if they can’t get aroused as quickly as they once did.
Removing the emphasis from intercourse and refocusing on things like cuddling, foreplay, and flirting reduces the pressure and allows you to redefine your sexuality in a different context. By replacing intercourse with physical and emotional intimacy, a couple can actually reinvigorate their sex life and bring romance back into their marriage.
Don’t despair. If you’re with a compassionate, loving partner your sexless marriage can be transformed to a hot one in no time!
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Nov 12, 2019 | couples, marriage
Being a newlywed can be a time of uninterrupted bliss, or it can be a nightmare.
The combining of families can be a very trying time and can hurt a very new relationship between two
newlyweds. It’s easier for men to mix with a bride’s family because he is not analyzing his
relationship with his in-laws as closely as the bride is to hers. Men don’t take certain things
personally, the way women do. If a woman is not close to her in-laws, she is analyzing why she
is not. If a man is not close to his in-laws, there’s a big chance that he is not as disturbed by it.
Whether you love or hate your in-laws, your relationship with them, negative or positive, can
have a lasting effect on your marriage. In more severe circumstances, it could even tear your
marriage apart.
According to CNN, when a man reported having a close relationship with his wife’s parents, the
couple’s risk of divorce decreased by 20%. Yet women who said they had a close relationship
with their husbands’ parents saw their risk of divorce rise by 20%. This is simply because
studies have shown that when a man is close to his in-laws, it reinforces his relationship with his
wife by showing her that she is important to him. But when a woman is close to her husband’s
family, it can prevent her from growing a strong bond with him in those crucial, early years of
marriage.
Here are some ways to be close with your in-laws without having them interfere in your new marriage.
- Show an interest in them as people, and not just your in-laws. Don’t wait till the holidays to
spend time with your in-laws, because that’s a time of year when everyone may be feeling more
stressed.
- Spend time with them socially and frequently, and get to know them as people. This is
very important if you’re a man because showing your wife that you care for her parents shows
her that you care for her, too.
- Set Boundaries. As a couple, let your in-laws know that you want a strong relationship with
them, but that you also need to set some boundaries. You don’t have to share everything with
them. This is especially true for families with kids.
- Don’t let in-laws use their desire to see your children as a way to invade your space, and don’t allow them to place judgment on your
parenting skills.
- Keep it Kind, and Friendly. Don’t insult or talk about your in-laws, even behind their backs. If
you have an issue with them, speak reasonably about it to your partner. Even if your spouse is
complaining about his or her parents, don’t offer any opinion. No one likes having their parents
attacked.
- Put your relationship first. Stand united against outside threats, even if that means your
in-laws. There are a lot of behaviors that exhibit married couples letting their spouse take the
heat against their families, and showing no support. If this kind of behavior persists, it can hurt a
marriage, maybe permanently. Make it clear that you expect your spouse to defend you.
Remember, you married your spouse, not his or her family. But you can make things easier in
your marriage and your life, by showing an interest, showing love, and setting clear boundaries.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Oct 4, 2019 | Blog, couples, divorce, marriage
Fighting is a common practice in relationships. Couples fight and disagree all the time. The smallest disagreement can boil over into World War III. Make sure you are fighting about real things and not assumptions.
Common reasons couples fight are:
- Lack of Sex.
- Lack of Money. There are so many different fights that couples can get into when it comes to money. …
- Kids
- Timing
- Quality Time
- Lack of Romance
- Chores. …who does what?
- Pet Peeves
But are we really listening to our significant other’s reasoning and are we giving them the benefit of the doubt that they sometimes deserve? Why do we spend so much time fighting because of our own hurt egos, assumptions, and pride?
The question we should really be asking ourselves is, why do we make assumptions? Easy. People make assumptions naturally to fill in the blanks or holes in situations. It’s kind of like Rational Choice Theory – Rational choice theory states that individuals rely on rational calculations to make rational choices that result in outcomes aligned with their own best interests.
Five Major Assumptions that Couples Make!
- “If you love me, you’ll know what I’m thinking.”
One of the biggest assumptions couples make is that their partners can read their minds. If and WHEN they can’t, then the next assumption is that they must not love or care about them.
- “We’d be happier if our sex life was better.”
Even bigger than a lackluster sex life is that the problem may be a lack of trust or emotional attachment.
- “If you’d just do X or Y, everything would work out.”
This assumption happens when a person does not want to look at themselves as wrong. They don’t want to look deeper into their own issues and seek help, so they point blame to their partner. It’s easier to blame someone else instead of looking at our own faults.
- “You should put me first.”
With this assumption, there is an expectation that it’s your partner’s duty to make you happy. Your happiness should actually be your own responsibility. Find your happiness, then share it together with your partner.
- “We should be able to figure this out already.”
This is an unattainable expectation. All couples think that they should be farther along in their relationship than they are, when the reality is that relationships are hard work, all the time.
What are the benefits of giving your partner the benefit of the doubt? Less fighting!
Giving your partner the benefit of the doubt not only helps you to avoid these hurt feelings, it encourages positivity and patience in your relationship. Giving your partner the benefit of the doubt will keep your partner from jumping into defensive mode, therefore avoiding an unnecessary argument. It will show them that you trust and appreciate them. So next time you feel like jumping to conclusions and turning something into a fight, sit back and really have an in-depth conversation with your partner, ask the right questions, and get the true answers. Clarity equals peace in all relationships. Peace and happiness is priceless, and should always be a goal in any relationship.
When was the last time you had a relationship check-up – maybe it’s time to schedule a check up appointment.
