by Marina Edelman, LMFT | May 2, 2021 | couples, marriage
Communicate, Communicate some more, And Now Again!
I never meet couples in my practice who over communicate. Instead I meet couples who make wrong assumptions about one another, stonewall and say things like “what’s the point” or “nothing I say matters”, fight to win.
Sounds like you? It’s o.k. and even beneficial for your relationship to fight as long as it’s done with intention to gain closeness or increase understanding. Unfortunately couples get lost in the power struggle that is created. How it comes about no-one knows but they know they are in the middle of it. It feels like a cob web, you don’t see it as you are walking through the forest but you sure know you walked right into it. Getting out of the web or power struggle is a struggle on its own. You promise yourself to not repeat a mistake but nevertheless find ourself battling for control. Who started it – anyone’s guess. Who ends it – either one can.
There is a theory, not sure who to attribute it too, that we enter into a committed relationship with someone who inadvertently picks on our wounds. They don’t mean to do it but they do it. Ever point out a bruise to your significant other just to have them push on it? They are trying to confirm the visual and accidentally do it too hard. From a relationship stand point, let’s say Partner A feels anxious if a fight is not immediately repaired and they marry Partner B who needs time to process. When Partner B asks for time they are not trying to punish or reject Partner A and yet that is exactly how it feels. So who should sacrifice their needs?
Maybe no one needs too. A great tool is for both partners to validate their needs in an exaggerated way. So in this instance Partner A would say “I know you need time to process and despite my fear of being apart during this time I will wait for you”. Partner B should validate and offer up something to comfort Partner A “I appreciate you acknowledging my need, let’s talk in 2 hours”. At this point it is vital for Partner B to stick to that promise. In absence of following through on this commitment betrayal and mistrust will start to grow.
The example above sounds very forced and formal. This is not how you will continue to speak but sometimes when learning a new skill exaggeration helps. Remember when you started to drive and you were very mechanical in checking rear view mirror and then paying attention to the road and then checking side mirrors and so on. Think of retraining yourself as learning to drive. Yes it is mechanical but the results are worth it. Slowly natural patterns will set in and trust and attunement will be second nature.
Try these communication tools:
- Speak with good intention
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- Is your intention to win an argument or be understood
- Validate what your spouse just said even if you disagree.
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- Validation is not an apology or an agreement, simply restate what your partner said
- Speak slowly and for short period of time
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- Your partner can’t process or remember a monologue
- Use ‘I Statements’
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- I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to not accuse but merely share a feeling
- Stay on topic
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- The flood gates have opened up and you are finally talking but practice self restraint and stay focused on one topic until a resolution has been reached
In my subsequent blogs I will share the second part of healthy communication practices. For now see if you can incorporate these 5 into your relationship. These tips are beneficial not just for romantic partners but for platonic and professional relationships as well.
Please visit marinaedelman.com to learn more about me or follow me on Instagram @marina.on.marriage. Feel free to leave comments or ask follow up questions. Happy Coupling!
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“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart.”
—Helen Keller
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | May 31, 2019 | Blog, couples, divorce, mediation
Divorce is not easy for anyone, especially those with children. We establish a life around our families, and divorce forces us to redirect that life and create a new one. Collaborating on vacation ideas as divorced parents is tough.
The one constant factor in all of the chaos, of course, is the children. We need to be reminded constantly, that this kind of change can be detrimental to the children. Families can still be considered combined units, given the correct amicable terms. We can still communicate effectively and co-parent in ways that make the sting of divorce a little less unbearable.
The two things that families struggle with are holidays and vacations. Summer vacation is a prolonged amount of time where the children are not in school and therefore, the adults must work together in a compassionate and understanding manner to co-parent and work around each other’s schedules.
Below are some tips and ideas that may help the process along:
- Plan ahead – nothing makes things easier than a plan. Planning ahead and making sure that the plan works for both parents and children is best. Use tools such as Google Calendar to collaborate effectively.
- Let older children and teens help in the planning process. Make sure that this is done in a transparent way with everyone involved so that your family will still hold on to that united front, and feel combined.
- Communicate effectively – this ensures that everyone is heard, understood, and the plan will be able to proceed.
- Celebrate each other’s efforts in the planning process.
- Avoid the phrase “My Time” when referring to your parenting period with the children.
- Use the summer to maximize spending time with your child. At the times that you do have your children, try one of the items below:
- Beach Day
- Library Day
- Picnics
- Ice Cream Day
- Visit the Zoo
- Go to the park and fly kites!
- Playdays in the yard followed by a hot dog bbq
- Water Balloon Fights!
- Gardening Days
- Movie Nights
- Be Sensitive to important events such as birthdays, fathers day, etc.
- Welcome your children’s friends over at all times. The extra company over the summer may act as a buffer and help your child transition better to their new way of life.
- Make plans for your own relaxing “me-time” when your child is visiting with the other parent. This may be fun and something you look forward to.
- Let the “VEGGING” period begin. Let your child sleep in, watch tv all day, and veg out if needed.
- Relax and just spend time with your children. Concentrate on what’s most important to you, and make beautiful memories!
In conclusion, your family doesn’t have to be split up, the dynamic is only changing, but you are still very much a family, and your ex-spouse is still very much a part of your life as well as your children’s lives. Make the transition and shift easier for everyone by not holding on to bitter feelings, and try your best to be amicable at all times. The results will be a successful co-parented, united family, with happy children, and parents who are very good friends.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Oct 4, 2018 | Blog
Mediation is very useful to resolve family disputes, facilitate divorce, and help with co-parenting among other things. As a mediator I connect my clients with professionals that can assist with understanding tax implications, appraisals, and legal forms. This is done to help all parties come up with an agreement they can live with instead of living with an agreement the law says they should accept. One of the most important elements of mediation is closure. Besides figuring out distribution of tangible and intangible property, my clients comment on how closure helps them move on and let go of emotional attachments they have towards possessions.
#mediation #couples #family #therapy
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Jan 29, 2018 | Blog, mediation
Counseling and Mediation services in Westlake Village and Thousand Oaks
Hello, My name is Marina Edelman, founder of Marina Edelman Counseling & Mediation. I would like to introduce you to my staff and let you know that we are now offering family mediation. My associates and I provide professional guidance you need to effectively resolve life issues, address mood disorders, and help find solutions/options to general problems. Our therapists are experienced & well trained to listen, guide, and respectfully challenge you. Our team is made up of
extremely passionate clinicians who enjoy providing counseling and mediation for people in need. We work with
individuals,
couples and families to help them acquire healthy coping skills in order to improve relationships, refine communication skills, and achieve greater overall happiness. We also work with families on parenting and marital issues as well as provide
mediation services.
On our staff we have therapists that are Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists that are Certified in Family & Divorce Mediation and Parenting Coordination. To accommodate all incomes we have pre-licensed associates. Our therapeutic approach is holistic (that involves mind, body, and spirit) and our techniques are evidence-based modalities such as DBT, solution focused & CBT. We have specialists who treat depression, anxiety, PTSD, OCD, ADD/ADHD, Trauma, and relationship issues. We also have support groups for Mindfulness and Addiction.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Jan 25, 2018 | anxiety, Blog, focus, holiday
Guest blogger and associate Maxcy Dancy shares tips on how to keep your New Years Resolution.
How many New Year’s resolutions have you made over the years and how many have you actually accomplished? Are you like so many of us who start the year off being super optimistic about our New Year’s resolution, whether it’s to conquer a fear, get in shape, eat healthy, be more productive, quit smoking, etc., only to find ourselves back at square one within weeks after the New Year? If so, then what you need are a few simple techniques that will enable you to create lasting change and fulfill the goals that you have set for yourself.
First: Don’t set vague goals like “I’m going to be healthier.” Instead, be specific. Set behavioral goals based on measurable outcomes. So, in terms of wanting to be healthier, your specific behavioral goal might be: Lowering cholesterol by five points. Eating five servings of fruits and veggies each day. Losing 20 pounds. Running 5k in 30 minutes. You get the idea. Decide what your goal is in measurable, specific terms and then write it down.
Second: Don’t bite off more than you can chew. Instead of deciding to change twenty things, pick one thing to change that is a top priority for you because it is much easier to accomplish something when you only have one thing to focus on. Many people make the mistake of trying to do too many things at once and instead of accomplishing them all, they just end up overwhelmed and giving up. So pick one thing to be focused on, one thing you have a burning desire to achieve.
Third: Success creates success. We are more motivated to persevere while tackling difficult challenges when we have first succeeded at smaller, easier to accomplish challenges. Consequently, it is best to start with mini-goals. When you succeed at them, this will inspire you and enable you to go the distance when you are dealing with your main goal and the going gets tough. So take your main goal and break it down to bite size, mini-goals that start out easy and become more challenging.
Fourth: Set a realistic deadline for accomplishing your goal. Having a deadline tends to keep people moving forward at a solid pace rather than slowly plodding along. A deadline encourages consistency, strengthens motivation and creates a sense of urgency. Additionally, when the task is difficult, requiring a lot of time and energy, people can remind themselves that there is a deadline and that the struggle is not going to last forever. Knowing that an end is in sight tends to increase motivation and decrease discouragement.
Fifth: Keep the feeling of accomplishing your goal in mind. A way to stay positive should discouragement set in is to imagine how wonderful it will feel when you accomplish your goal. Similarly, if you start to procrastinate, telling yourself you don’t need to do it today, you can start again tomorrow, by focusing on how exciting it will be when you have succeeded, can get you back on track, full steam ahead!
Sixth: When you set goals, be very clear as to how much they matter to you and the overall positive impact your goal is going to have. Think about how they’re going to change every aspect of your life in a positive way: your self-esteem, your relationships, your work, your health and vitality, including the impact the changes you make will have on your family, your friends, your community, and your world! Visualize yourself living your life with your goal accomplished and what your life will be like. Research also shows that visualization helps us reach our goals as well as motivates us.
By staying very aware on a daily basis of what you want and why you want it, you increase your odds of keeping your New Year’s resolutions and effecting permanent, positive change in your life! If you need additional help, working with a coach or a therapist can be useful to create the changes you want to see in your life.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Oct 17, 2017 | Blog, mediation
Most people are drawn to mediation because they believe it is a means to dissolve relationships such as divorce or to resolve conflict amicably.
Meditation can help individuals, families, and couples in the following ways:
- It can help all parties better understand what they want
- It can help them clearly communicate their preferences in a non-polarizing manner
- It can help resolve conflict efficiently and effectively
Most people believe that accomplishing these goals will allow people to achieve closure and move on in life. They now see it as an alternative to therapy when they don’t want to seek treatment from a mental health professional. Therapy usually involves multiple sessions where as mediation can be as brief as one visit. Therapy helps bring awareness to an individual or group of individuals where as mediation is more focused on solutions, communication, and implementation.
Our society is now a place where every problem is directed to a mental health professional. Whereas a lot of problems have absolutely nothing to do with mental health. Rather, most of them have to do with uncertainty, confusion, lack of communication, expectations and goals, problematic societal dictates, conflicts between social norms, conflicts between personalities, conflicts between individuals, prejudices against personality types, orientations, racial groups, and temperaments, etc.
A lot of people are looking for alternative ways to address their issues without going to a mental health professional for “treatment,” but they don’t know where to go. Mediation by skilled and trained mediator can provide these people with what they are looking for. Mediators that maintain the principles of being solution focused, empathic and neutral encourage individuals to problem solve, freeing them from their preconceived notions about what is possible and facilitate communication among both parties. Mediators can even do one on one meditation with individuals. It can be referred to as coaching, or it can be seen as mediating within the conflicted mind of an individual.
Mediation can be seen as a process in which a neutral helps individuals come to a resolution; it can also be seen as a process by which a neutral helps parties move to the next step, whether it’s communicating with others, clarifying a thought, or organizing logistics. Mediator can be a sounding board, brain storming partner or voice of reason. Providing solutions is one part of mediation, another is facilitating clean communication between all parties, and lastly helping identify options and negotiating implementation of them.
Through out the mediation process one feels empowered to unlock their beliefs and confident to share them with others who they are negotiating with. The mediator can focus and support thinking of the individual, couple, or family but the parties are ultimately in charge of what they are comfortable living with.
