by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Dec 21, 2017 | Blog, parenting
Guest Blogger and associate Fred Rosenbloom shares his experience in bringing a newborn home during the holidays.
We were looking forward to bringing our newborn home during the holidays, until we actually did and regretfully declined one holiday soirée after another.
When the doctor told me and my wife that her due date for giving birth was going to be November 21st, just before Thanksgiving, we were very excited at the idea of bringing a newborn baby home just in time for the holiday season. As this would be our second child, my wife felt that having the baby before Thanksgiving would allow her to be present with friends and family from out of town instead of worrying about going into labor at the dinner table. Meanwhile, I was looking forward to being able to enjoy all the yummy food at Thanksgiving, and at the Hanukkah and Christmas parties that would follow.
As it turned out, our baby boy was born six days before Thanksgiving and my wife and new baby spent three days in the post partum recovery room, leaving only three days before Thanksgiving for us to adjust to life back at home with a new baby and a toddler. We had already been mentally preparing to lose sleep, change a lot of diapers, and drink extra coffee, especially to keep up with the energy level of our two year old daughter during the day. What we weren’t prepared for, and didn’t expect to happen, was missing out on the family Thanksgiving dinner, followed by saying no to almost all of the Hanukkah and Christmas party invitations.
On Thanksgiving Day, unfortunately my wife wasn’t feeling well and spent most of the afternoon and evening at urgent care to make sure she was ok, while I stayed home with our two children. Thankfully, our family brought us food, but we felt lonely and sad to miss out on spending the holiday with them. Two weeks after Thanksgiving, we decided we would try to attend a formal Hanukkah gala in the evening. Unexpectedly, our babysitter got sick the night before and we couldn’t find a backup. We decided we’d try bringing both children to the gala. Luckily we were seated at a table in the back of the ballroom, but between socializing with family and friends, my wife breastfeeding our newborn, and me chasing our daughter around the hotel lobby, when we finally arrived home at midnight, we looked at each other and decided that maybe we should just be homebodies for a few months, at least during the night time.
Saying no to family and friends during the holidays has been perhaps more difficult than any other time of the year, maybe because it’s considered by many to be a time of giving and a time to be with family. Whether it’s giving gifts, or giving of our time, we feel obligated to say yes, and feel guilty when we say no, especially when family members express disappointment that we won’t be at family gatherings, and family from out of town wants to see the new baby. Perhaps the fear of missing out on good times and feeling isolated if we say no, combined with worry about future invitations, only adds to the challenge of saying “no” this holiday season.
In order to accommodate seeing our family and friends, we’ve decided that they will have to come visit us during this holiday season. In doing this, we’ve set clear boundaries to help us manage those guilty feelings and fears while at the same time created realistic opportunities to see friends and family. Rather than responding to an invitation by saying “we’ll try to be there”, which is basically avoiding and postponing saying “no”, we let them know we’d love to be there, explain our situation, and suggest that maybe in a few months we can meet outside of our home, and also to please come over as it is difficult for us to go out to socialize right now.
Saying “no” isn’t easy, and, in general, there are many things to which we say “yes” during the day in order to avoid conflict and uncomfortable feelings. Thankfully, there are some good books to help with feeling more assertive and comfortable with saying the dreaded word, “no”.
Boundaries Updated and Expanded Ediction: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life, by Cloud and Townsend
The Power of No: Because One Little Word Can Bring Health, Abundance, and Happiness, by Altucher and Altucher
As our children grow, we anticipate that our boundaries will change and that we’ll be able to say yes to invitations more often than we currently say no. Hopefully next year, we look forward to being able to gather around at the Thanksgiving table with our children, family, and friends, but maybe we’ll skip the holiday parties for just one more year.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Oct 17, 2017 | Blog, mediation
Most people are drawn to mediation because they believe it is a means to dissolve relationships such as divorce or to resolve conflict amicably.
Meditation can help individuals, families, and couples in the following ways:
- It can help all parties better understand what they want
- It can help them clearly communicate their preferences in a non-polarizing manner
- It can help resolve conflict efficiently and effectively
Most people believe that accomplishing these goals will allow people to achieve closure and move on in life. They now see it as an alternative to therapy when they don’t want to seek treatment from a mental health professional. Therapy usually involves multiple sessions where as mediation can be as brief as one visit. Therapy helps bring awareness to an individual or group of individuals where as mediation is more focused on solutions, communication, and implementation.
Our society is now a place where every problem is directed to a mental health professional. Whereas a lot of problems have absolutely nothing to do with mental health. Rather, most of them have to do with uncertainty, confusion, lack of communication, expectations and goals, problematic societal dictates, conflicts between social norms, conflicts between personalities, conflicts between individuals, prejudices against personality types, orientations, racial groups, and temperaments, etc.
A lot of people are looking for alternative ways to address their issues without going to a mental health professional for “treatment,” but they don’t know where to go. Mediation by skilled and trained mediator can provide these people with what they are looking for. Mediators that maintain the principles of being solution focused, empathic and neutral encourage individuals to problem solve, freeing them from their preconceived notions about what is possible and facilitate communication among both parties. Mediators can even do one on one meditation with individuals. It can be referred to as coaching, or it can be seen as mediating within the conflicted mind of an individual.
Mediation can be seen as a process in which a neutral helps individuals come to a resolution; it can also be seen as a process by which a neutral helps parties move to the next step, whether it’s communicating with others, clarifying a thought, or organizing logistics. Mediator can be a sounding board, brain storming partner or voice of reason. Providing solutions is one part of mediation, another is facilitating clean communication between all parties, and lastly helping identify options and negotiating implementation of them.
Through out the mediation process one feels empowered to unlock their beliefs and confident to share them with others who they are negotiating with. The mediator can focus and support thinking of the individual, couple, or family but the parties are ultimately in charge of what they are comfortable living with.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Mar 1, 2017 | Blog, couples, Uncategorized
How To Protect Your Relationship From Affairs
Many marriages end up in divorce when a couple is caught having affairs. Security and trust are easily destroyed. Thankfully, couples who decide to stay and go through counseling regain that sense of security and trust again. To protect your marriage or relationship and have a happy one, you need to make it affair-proof.
How to affair-proof your relationship:
1. Talk About Fidelity and What it Means to you
Ensure that you talk to your partner about fidelity, how important it is to you, and how it would affect you and the marriage if there is ever a betrayal. Your partner might not know how important it is to you or what your reactions towards it might be. It is more difficult to cheat when there is a continuous discussion about faithfulness and your feelings towards it.
2. Keep your Sex Life Active and Exciting
Feeling neglected, tolerated or unwanted can be a big push into someone else’s bed. Don’t allow your sex life to sink gradually and feel there won’t be any consequence. Show your partner that you desire him/her by accepting advances and being playful.
3. Ensure That your Relationship is Intimate
Sometimes, affairs happen because someone is feeling disconnected or angry. Use that passion to turn towards your partner instead of away by sharing intimate thoughts and feelings.
4. Keep Things Romantic
Don’t let your partners daydream about a candlelight dinner or a trip to Paris with someone else because they know you won’t do it. Say sweet things like “I love you,” “I miss you,” “I am so fortunate because I have you.” Yes! All these mushy things don’t go out of style.
5. Spend Time Together
When couples stay with each other for a long time, they tend to get too busy and have little time for each other. Spending too much time with friends instead of your spouse can make it easy for someone else to step in. If you feel the connection between you and your spouse is wearing off, it is time to change things quickly.
6. Stay Away From Temptation
You are always going to meet someone more attractive than your spouse; it may be a neighbor, co-worker, high school sweetheart. Avoid that person or any comprising situation that might lead you into temptation.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Feb 16, 2017 | Blog, couples, Uncategorized
How To Rekindle The Flame In Your Relationship
When couples get used to each other, relationships tend to be boring and tiring. Spouses go through so many challenges and at times romance is placed on the back burner. Staying close to each and having a happy marriage depends on the willingness of both partners. Rather than feeling confined to the typical habits and mainstream practices, you can seek ways to keep the relationship alive through new experiences, romantic gestures, and couples counseling.
Here are few ways to keep things fresh and alive in a relationship
Communicate
A fulfilling marriage and relationship requires a couple to communicate effectively to avoid misunderstandings. For a long term relationship to be successful, you must learn to listen to your spouse attune to what he/she is thinking and feeling. Make your spouse feel comfortable talking to you and respect their opinions. In a relationship, you will not always agree but make sure you do not lower your spouse’s esteem by dismissing their opinions or judging them.
Spend time together
Nothing feels better then having fun together as a couple. Going on a date will help you discuss things in a more emotional way and equally show how much you care. Spontaneously hit the road without a destination mind. Create time for each other away from the kids to enable you to connect without distractions. Throw a surprise party for your significant other once in a while to make them feel special. Find time to just be playful and carefree to connect in a more passionate way.
Appreciate each other
Make your spouse feel appreciated, tell her how beautiful she is and remind them that you still love about them. Buying gifts to thank your spouse for being the best will make the relationship feel fresh and alive. Pay attention to what your spouse likes and dislikes and use this knowledge to show him how much you care. Appreciating your spouse for being successful is a special way of motivating them to work harder.
Seek counseling
Marriage counseling will empower you both with better skills to understand each other and therefore build a stronger relationship. Attending marriage therapy will help you manage anger during arguments. Couples counseling also helps you understand each others differences to avoid numerous fight. Through therapy you will both learn each others love language, gain tools to communicate better, and resolve gridlock conflict.
Connect physically
It is essential to maintain a healthy sexual relationship with your spouse. Flirt with your loved one so that they know you are still interested in them. Consider starting foreplay in the morning and continue throughout the day. A healthy sexual life will lead to a strong bond in other areas. Respecting the desires of your partner and being romantic will keep you together. Be open to trying new things.
Rekindling the flame is not that hard, it just takes desire, effort, and time.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Feb 8, 2017 | Blog, Uncategorized
[heading animation=”” color=”” type=”1″ align=”left”][/heading]
People often fall helplessly in love with the perfect aspects of people’s personalities. Who wouldn’t? Anyone can love the best parts of another individual. The question is: Can you accept their flaws? Can you honestly say, ‘I could work around that’ about your partner and kids?
Part of the main challenges of marriage is the continuous need to remind ourselves about the reason we married our spouse, to refocus ourselves on all the qualities that drew us to them, and tell ourselves that we’ll fine tune, but we can’t change their basic character.
How to accept the flaws of your spouse and kids
If you’re loud and lively and you were attracted to your spouse for his/her sense of calm, you cannot complain that they don’t like going out more often. Instead, we must concentrate on the positive effect that his/her peaceful nature has on your wilder one.
It’s in such areas of diversity that there’s usually the most attraction, and the most struggles, with opportunity for growth.
Another tricky aspect is seeing the good part that’s “always” there. The irritations. The pet peeves and habits and major and minor troubles that make you go crazy. Accepting your spouse’s flaw is easier when you’re aware of your bad habits, quirks, and weaknesses. One way to accept your spouses’ flaws is to take into account their positive side and what you appreciate about them. Another way to accept your spouses’ and kids flaws is to be conscious of and also accept your own.
How can you become aware of yourself and your environment?
Self-awareness involves noting your actions and thoughts. One way to note them is by putting them down in a journal daily.
If you continue putting it off and letting a week pass by without making the notes, you might not remember everything important.
Keeping notes will help you to see the values and patterns you have been hiding all along. Once you identify patterns, you gain the power to change them if they are not self serving.
If you’re self-aware, you’ll learn from your mistakes and the mistakes of others around you. You will also understand your environment and how you impact others better. This will help you to focus more on their good aspects rather than their flaws.
An individual’s belief in their power to succeed is set by how they behave, think, and feel. Somebody with a firm self-efficacy, for instance, views tasks as mere challenges that have to be overcome, and aren’t easily disheartened by setbacks.
Such people are aware of all their abilities and flaws and choose to use these qualities properly.
A person with a fragile sense of self-efficacy avoids challenges and easily feels dispirited by setbacks. They might not be conscious of their negative reactions, and so do not change their attitude.
Accepting your spouse’s flaws can start by appreciating their virtues and working on your own self awareness.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Jan 12, 2017 | Blog, holiday
[heading animation=”” color=”” type=”1″ align=”left”]Post Holiday Hangover[/heading]
Hangover can be defined as {a severe headache or other after effects caused by drinking an excess of alcohol or a thing that has survived from the past}
Let’s focus on the latter definition, a thing that has survived from the past…you have over indulged in shopping, consumed food in excess, participated in family, friends, and other social activities in abundance, and of course sampled many libations.
But now it’s the ‘morning after’ and:
- decorations need to be packed up
- pounds need to be shed
- debt needs to be repaid
- gifts need to be returned
- liver needs to be detoxed
- family relations need to be stabilized etc
So basically all of the negative carryovers from the holiday season without the joy and sparkle. It is normal to feel blue and sad when the jubilations come to an end. Having places to go and people to see makes every one of us feel loved and cared for. But when it’s over and normal life starts back up withdrawal symptoms can occur.
The cure can be found by going back to the basics of the Five Love Languages written by Gary D. Chapman.
I present to you a new spin on the five love languages and how you can give the love you need to yourself
- Touch – cuddle with your pet,
- Words of affirmation – meditate on what you value about you
- Gifts – buy yourself a gift that you didn’t get or give yourself a gift of time and spend one hour they way you want to
- Quality time – exercise, visit museums, hike with friends
- Acts of service – cook clean food, organize your closet, volunteer
Also consider how much time you spent perusing social media. Did you, like many others, compare yourself to your Facebook Friends? If you did your mood can significantly be negatively affected by the feeling of not measuring up or being excluded. Digital and social media addiction is real and extremely prevalent over the holidays. It makes you aware of the party you were not invited to or family vacations that your friends took which were soooo much nicer then your trip up North to visit Aunt Bertha. Start your year off by swearing of social media and watch your mood improve.
Another good antidote to the post holiday blues is to plan a party. Valentines Day is coming up soon, the Oscars give a good reason to get a group together, or even random Sunday for brunch. Give yourself something to look forward and help your creative energy find a new purpose.
Maybe your down mood is a sign that it is time to see a therapist to deal with your underlying depression. Therapy can be short term and solution focused. You will learn more about yourself and how you show up in the world. Discovering new coping skills will make life more pleasant and normal irritants will seem less bothersome.
It’s a new year … reinvent the new you!
https://www.new.truemecounseling.com
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Dec 12, 2016 | Blog, focus
Focus In Sports
There is an absolute necessity to maintain focus in any type of sports; be it golf, tennis or soccer. Even at work or in life generally, maintaining focus is very important. Sports is a task you do for satisfaction and that needs physical skill or struggle, normally done in a special location and in accordance with fixed rules. The ability to maintain concentration in the present and remain focused on this task is key in achieving optimal performance.
As a competition progresses, an athlete frequently turns his or her concentration on and off with the competition’s flow and ebb. And with this attitude of switching concentration on and off, getting into a rhythm becomes a bigger difficulty. Total concentration is highly necessary in any sports, and this happens when an athlete gets totally involved in an activity, feels that there is suspension of time, and gets rid of a sense of separation from his or her surroundings.
The absolute ability to control attention to a significant thought, object, or feeling is a major element for keen focus in any task. Athletes must also possess an ability to ignore or restrict distraction or insignificant thoughts to maintain focus. These qualities will trigger optimal performance by athletes during a competition.
There is a tendency for athletes to get distracted during sports. Most times, irrelevant cues are the main causes of these distractions. An example of these distractions is the persistent thought about future outcomes of the game. The first step to take in preventing or conquering these distractions is for athletes to recognize immediately when they are off task and take necessary action. In taking necessary action, athletes must develop the ability to refocus on the actual relevant cues whenever these distractions occur. This requires the athlete to fix or narrow his or her attention. A great way through which athletes can refocus on relevant cues when distracting thoughts come to mind, is by convincing themselves to suspend thoughts about the final outcome, such a thoughts will not help them in any way at the moment; rather, it may trigger anxiety and unnecessary pressure in them which may hinder optimal performance. Irrelevant cues also include thoughts not related to the present game; for example, athletes may be thinking about what to have for dinner, a project that must be finished the next day, or how tough the next opponent will be if they win. Athletes can overcome such distracting thoughts by going back to putting their full focus on the present task. Putting their full focus on the present task or refocusing requires athletes asking themselves a question such as, “What exactly do I need to do at the moment to perform and deliver my best?”
For years, focus has been misunderstood by athletes as concentrating on a particular thing for long period of time. This gross misconception should be eradicated and athletes should now be educated that focus actually means concentrating only on relevant cues in your sports field. With this, athletes would be free from distractions that prevent them from giving their best in any game.
https://www.new.truemecounseling.com
