by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Jun 3, 2015 | Blog
[heading animation=”” color=”” type=”1″ align=”left”]Your marriage can’t survive without intimacy[/heading]
In life, one can be kind and smart, attractive and funny but if you can’t capitalize on these qualities then you can’t survive. You need money to provide food, shelter and clothing without which one cannot live. Sex is to marriage what money is to life. No matter how good your communication is, how in sync your parenting style is, or how well defined your life goals are, if your intimate life doesn’t exist then your marriage is at high risk of dissolving.
[heading animation=”” color=”” type=”2″ align=”left”]Tips to rev up your sex life[/heading]
- Set the mood with sexy music
- Fifty Shades of Grey is onto something…read erotic novels
- Make out
- Sensate Focus Exercise
- Spice things up with a new location!
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Apr 15, 2015 | Blog
Everyone knows how to start an argument but do you know how to end it? Knowing when and how to terminate an argument is crucial to your ongoing marital bliss. Of Course gaining tools how to fight is important, however this blog features the end phase of an argument. An argument should not be on going but instead have an end. A good rule of thumb is to not let it go longer than an hour. That is plenty of time for a specific issue to be addressed and resolved. When arguments go past that point they usually head into different directions. You start fighting about parents and end with finances. Stay on point and keep it brief. The following is a list of ways to end arguments in productive ways.
1. Find a happy medium, there must be something you agree on. Use the common denominator as your starting point for friendly negotiations.
2. Take turns giving in. Learn what issues are important to your partner and why. Next assess how important is this issue for you and consider letting your partner “win”.
3. Apologize either because you feel you are wrong or as a bridge to move on.
4. State what you would like to see happen and ask if your partner is able/willing to comply.
5. Use silly nicknames or make a joke. Couples who lightly tease each other during a conflict wind up feeling more in love when the disagreement finally blows over, according to a study conducted at the University of California at Berkeley.
6. Suggest a timeout as a way to manage your emotions and sort out what the real issue is.
7. Own your contribution to the argument and offer/solicit solutions.
8. “Research has found that unhappy couples tend to repeat themselves out of desperation to be heard, which isn’t productive. They wind up talking at each other instead of having a dialogue,” says Benjamin Karney, Ph.D., co director of the Relationship Institute at the University of California at Los Angeles. Stop talking and reach out physically to one another.
9. And as a last resort agree to disagree.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Apr 15, 2015 | Blog
We are all familiar with drug addiction, sex addiction even shopping addiction. We accept these addictions as legitimate and once identify them in ourselves we usually seek treatment. Why not fear addiction? This is much more difficult to spot by ourselves and our friends and family don’t know it’s an issue nor symptoms.
So what is addiction to fear? From the time we were nomads and wandered the earth we were ruled by fear – hunt or starve, start a fire or freeze, etc. Our loving and well meaning parents usually parented in the same fashion – wash your hands or you will get sick, look both ways before crossing the street or you will be run over, etc. Our brain is programmed to, at least in part, make decisions based on fear.
Just as someone can have a glass of wine on a regular bases but not become an alcoholic so can some people process fear. Others, just as in the case of alcoholism, become addicted to fear. Symptoms include:
- chronic worry
- negative self talk
- over thinking a situation to be prepared for all eventualities
- phobias
- anxiety
- staying in unhealthy relationship
- hover parenting style
- eating disorders
- common addiction
- depression
- unfulfilled career
- under/over spending
Although the list is not complete you can see that so many issues have addiction to fear component. Take for example any addiction. At the root an addict doesn’t want to face reality and distracts him/herself with a vice such as alcohol, gambling, sex. Looking further into why are they avoiding reality will be fear:
- fear of not being good enough
- fear of facing childhood traumas and possibly re-evaluating relationship with parents
- fear of taking on additional responsibilities at work and therefore not seeking a promotion
- fear of losing status
By understanding origin of problems and accepting the fact that they are managed by fear one can start making life changes. Working both cognitive behaviorally and psychodynamically will garnish optimum results.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Apr 15, 2015 | Blog
Last couple of years were dominated by Hunger Games novels and movie. The first book opens with children being selected to fight till the end. The anxiety the characters feel during the selection process is extremely intense and all to familiar. According the National Institute of Mental Health, Anxiety disorders (including panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and phobias) affect approximately 40 million American adults ages 18 and older, or about 18.1 percent of people in this age group in a given year, have an anxiety disorder. These are stagerring numbers. We are not playing Hunger Games but Anxiety Games.
Although I use a cognitive and behavioral approach to resolve anxiety, stress, depression, and sleep disorders, which often come with anxiety, my approach is more in-depth than that commonly used by other therapists. Generally cognitive and behavioral concepts may be helpful for some, however I find that they are too superficial, and therefore don’t get to the core reasons that trigger these disorders.
To bring about meaningful and lasting change, I have expanded on CBT to address core underlying factors associated with anxiety. Once these core factors are identified, I provide insight and strategies to help you work through them right away.
Having experienced anxiety in the past myself, I quickly atune to clients needs and assist in bring about awareness of core issues by using a variety of techniques but specifically peeling layers of an onion. In therapy you will also learn about the two types of nervous systems in your body and how to control them. Many clients come to me after having tried other therapists and self-help. They often report my direct approach helped them learn more in the first few sessions with me than they have working with their original therapists for years.
Common self help treatments include, but not limited to:
Eliminate Caffein
Increase exercise
Meditation/yoga
Get enough sleep
Thinking happy thoughts
Do not compare yourself to others
Practice deep breathing
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Apr 15, 2015 | Blog
One of the crucial differences between guilt and remorse is that while guilt can lead to self destructive tendencies, remorse usually materializes constructive action.
Guilt is a useless emotion that reinforces self punishment or sabotage and often leads to shame. Please visit http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html to listen to a great talk on shame.
Top 6 things we all feel guilt over:
1.Balancing life by doing things for ourselves
2.Relaxing and doing nothing
3.Spending too much money
4.Breaking resolution to exercise and eat healthy
5.Not taking better care of others (children, parents, spouse, etc.)
6.Receiving praise we feel is undeserved
We can all relate to one of the items listed above now let’s begin eliminating guilt.
– Begin examining what is causing guilt and re-frame the emotion as remorse. Remorse comes from a sense of awareness and taking full responsibility for ones actions.
– Once awareness is achieved decide if your action deserves scrutiny or was it justified and acceptable. If acceptable, as in the case of skipping the gym, then use the process of visualization and let go of the negative emotion. If upon review you believe that a different course was in order then make a mental note of it for the future.
It seems easy but because we have been raised with guilt and then accepted it as a fitting emotion we struggle with releasing guilt from our lives. We use guilt to avoid people being mad at us or letting someone down. We erroneously believe “if I feel guilty and demonstrate my shame, then the other person will not be so upset or disappointed”. In reality taking this weaker stance does the opposite in the long run. What our partner, boss, children really want to hear is us take ownership of a situation and resolve to have a different outcome.
Next time you catch yourself feeling guilty try to take a new fresh approach and feel remorse. Since definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting different result – try something new.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Apr 15, 2015 | Blog
Sometimes (let’s admit it – most of the time) our partner does something that we take issue with. Very often I hear the following behavior being addressed in couples counseling:
– “He always has the last word”
– “She manages my time with ‘honey do list’”
– “My wife is a nag”
– “My husband never hears what I have to say”
– “My girlfriend criticizes how I act, look, eat, etc.”
– “My boyfriend walks on eggshells around me and tries too hard to please me”
Natural reaction is to either ignore the behavior until one can’t stand it any longer and an explosion occurs or talk about it head on which usually causes the other person to become defensive. There is another option…TOMATO.
Choose a moment with your significant other when both of you are in a good place and are open to hearing one another. Make an “I statement” about a behaviour that you take issue with. For example, “I feel shut down when arguing if you insist on having the last word”. Your partner will be more receptive to hear you out and be open to coming up with solutions. This is when you ask if your partner is open to you bringing his/her awareness to the situation when you feel shut down. Come up with a secret odd word (tomato) that can be used at these moments. This will add humor and diffuse the situation while still bringing his/her attention to the matter.
Try this option next time you feel frustrated with your partner and see if calling out tomato will garner better results. This soft subtle approach will make you both feel like you’re part of one team as a opposed to adversarial opponents. Have fun coming up with your secret word.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Apr 15, 2015 | Blog
Momentum plays a large part in life. When negative things happen in your life, it seems that everything else starts to go wrong as well. However, when you begin your day on a positive foot, the rest of the day feels positive. Similar thoughts attract each other and gain power and momentum the more you think of them. What manifests is the direct reflection of what you have been thinking and feeling.
It is easy to observe and witness momentum in sports. When a sports announcer says that a team has the momentum they mean that the team is really on the move and is going to be hard bring it to a halt. To stop an object (a ball, team, relationship), it is necessary to apply a force against its motion for a given period of time. As the force acts upon the object for a given amount of time, the object’s velocity is changed; and hence, the object’s momentum is changed.
Newtonian physics says that momentum equals velocity times mass. What does this mean in the realm of relationships. According to these theorists, psychological velocity is provided by some important event; in sports that is usually a “big play”, in business it’s signing a large account and in relationships it’s feeling comfortable, safe, and as if you belong.
Mass, according to this theory, is provided by the social context: How important is the relationship? Is each partner emotionally invested in it? When a feel good moment occurs and is combined with both individual’s desire to keep the relationship going, momentum becomes visible. In the initial stage of falling in love a couple can’t seem to get enough of each other.Similar to a basketball team that plays so well that every basket is made to appear effortlessly.
As mentioned earlier, to stop momentum force needs to be applied. That is seen in forms of jobs, kids, finance, etc. These “things” get in the way and break couples momentum. Each of the elements listed could not break momentum unless communication lapsed. Yes, you can regain momentum, but make sure you both want to go in the same direction and are both willing to exert the same effort in pursuit of a solid relationship. Start with baby steps such as watching the same TV show, joining the gym, or going out for coffee. Anything to get the momentum going.
