Why Couples Fight About Money

Money touches almost every aspect of life in some way or another: security, freedom, status, fairness, and the future. For that reason, money fights can get heated even when the amount in question is small.

Different Money Personalities

Most couples will have one partner who is naturally a saver and one who is naturally a spender. The saver will probably see a bank account as a source of security and will be quite happy with a financial cushion. The spender will probably be all about experiences, being generous and living in the moment. Neither approach is necessarily wrong, it’s just that without an understanding of the other’s perspective each partner is likely to start to see the other as either being completely reckless or completely controlling.

Family Money Stories

Everyone has some kind of message about money from their upbringing. It might have been that money was always tight and it was a constant topic of conversation. It might have been the complete opposite, with money never really being discussed at all. It might have been that one parent was the one who ran the household finances and the other parent had no input at all. Those early experiences with money will have a massive effect on how we feel about money as adults, and we rarely even realize it.

Money Means More Than Money

In Marina’s work money arguments are almost never about the receipt. They’re almost always about some deeper issue: do you value my contribution? Can I trust you? Do I have a say in our future? Am I safe? Once couples have recognized what money means to each of them the conversation is very different.

Unequal Incomes or Roles

When one person is earning a lot more than the other, or one is the one who’s at home with the kids, the issues of fairness and power can arise. Who gets to make the decisions? Whose money is it? Those are issues which absolutely need to be discussed openly rather than just be the subject of quiet resentment.

Common Money Problems Couples Face

Some money issues show up again and again in couples therapy:

• Avoiding money conversations until a crisis forces one
• Different spending priorities, like travel vs. savings or the house vs. retirement
• Debt brought into the relationship that one partner didn’t know about
• Unequal financial knowledge, where one partner handles everything and the other feels left out.
• Holiday and gift spending that goes well beyond what was planned
• Supporting extended family financially without agreeing on limits
• Secret spending or hidden accounts

When Money Becomes a Trust Issue

That last point is particularly important. Financial infidelity is about hiding purchases, having secret accounts, concealing debt, lying about money etc. It can be just as damaging as any other form of infidelity in terms of the damage to trust and the way the partner views the relationship. Marina’s page on financial infidelity looks at how couples can get back on track when this has occurred.

How to Talk About Money Without Fighting

Loads of couples will just avoid any money conversation as they always seem to go tits up. A few tweaks can make them a lot easier.

1. Schedule the Conversation

Money talks don’t go well when they’re happening in the middle of a stressful moment (imagine the moment the big bill arrives). It’s far better to set a time when you’re both rested and calm. A lot of couples find a monthly ‘money date’ to be the way to go.

2. Start With Values, Not Numbers

Before you even look at a spreadsheet talk about what’s important to each of you. What does financial security mean to you? What would you most like to be able to do with your money in five years time? What’s your biggest worry? Shared values are going to make it so much easier to agree on the specifics.

3. Share Your Money Story

Take it in turns to describe how money was handled in your family when you were growing up. Ask each other: what did you learn about money as a kid? What would you like to do the same and what would you like to do differently? This can be a very useful exercise in explaining the origins of some of the habits that previously just seemed so frustrating. Marina’s money mindset exercise is a good place to start.

4. Use “I” Statements

Rather than “You always spend too much” try “I get anxious when our savings go down and I’d like us to agree on a monthly limit”. That way you’re focusing on your own feelings and needs rather than on their character.

5. Take a Break if It Gets Heated

If either of you is feeling overwhelmed or the conversation is starting to get out of hand then just pause and come back to it later. Money talks work a lot better when both of you are calm enough to actually listen.

Building a Financial Plan Together

Once the conversation has got going you can start to build a system that works for both of you.

Choose a Structure That Fits

There’s no single right way to combine finances. Common options include:

• Fully joint: all the income goes into the joint accounts and all the expenses come out of the joint accounts.
• Fully separate: each partner has their own accounts and splits the shared costs.
• Hybrid (‘yours, mine and ours’): a joint account to cover shared expenses and objectives with each person maintaining their own personal account for their own spending.

Many couples find the hybrid approach offers the best of both worlds in terms of teamwork and independence. The key thing is that you choose it together.

Build a Shared Budget

A budget isn’t a punishment, it’s a plan for what’s important to you both. List your income, your fixed costs, your savings goals and your fun money. Marina’s household budget resource can get you started.

Set Shared Goals

Paying off debt, saving for a house, planning a holiday, or planning for retirement are much easier when you work on it together. Just write down your goals and celebrate the progress you make.

Agree on a “Check-In” Number

Lots of couples will set an amount (say $200 or $500) above which either partner will check in before they spend. It’s a fairly straightforward way of avoiding any surprises without having to micromanage each other.

Give Each Partner Some Freedom

Personal spending money that neither partner has to justify can actually go a long way to reducing a huge amount of conflict. It enables individuality without any sense of guilt.

Why Do Couples Have Different Sex Drives?

Sexual desire isn’t fixed. It can change throughout adulthood, sometimes considerably.

Even couples who began their relationship with similar levels of desire may find themselves wanting different things several years later.

Several factors can contribute.

1. Stress and Exhaustion

You finish work, prepare dinner, answer emails, help the children get ready for tomorrow, and finally climb into bed.

Your partner reaches for you.

You love them. You’re attracted to them. But your mind is still working through tomorrow’s responsibilities, and all you want is sleep.

Chronic stress can make sexual interest harder to access. When someone is physically exhausted or mentally preoccupied, intimacy may feel like another task rather than something enjoyable.

This doesn’t necessarily reflect how much they love their partner.

2. Hormonal Changes, Health, and Medications

Pregnancy, postpartum recovery, perimenopause, menopause, chronic pain, sleep disturbances, and certain medications can affect sexual desire.

Some antidepressants, for example, can contribute to changes in libido or sexual functioning.

Physical discomfort, hormonal changes, and concerns about sexual performance may also influence whether someone looks forward to intimacy.

When desire changes suddenly or becomes distressing, it’s worth discussing possible medical contributors with a qualified healthcare professional.

3. Parenting and Unequal Responsibilities

For many couples, becoming parents changes the relationship in ways they didn’t anticipate.

Someone who spends the entire day responding to other people’s needs may reach the evening feeling that they have nothing left to give.

If one partner is carrying most of the childcare, household planning, or emotional responsibilities, resentment can also affect their interest in physical closeness.

Sometimes the conversation about sex needs to include a conversation about everything happening outside the bedroom.

4. Emotional Disconnection

It’s difficult for some people to feel sexually open when they’re carrying unresolved hurt.

Maybe you’ve been arguing for months. Maybe you don’t feel appreciated. Maybe a betrayal has made physical vulnerability feel unsafe.

For some partners, emotional connection helps create the conditions for sexual desire.

Others experience sexual intimacy as one of the primary ways they feel emotionally connected.

When these needs aren’t understood, both partners can feel that the other is withholding something important.

5. Different Ways of Experiencing Desire

One of the most useful things couples can learn is that sexual desire doesn’t always begin in the same way.

Some people experience desire before physical intimacy starts.

Others experience desire only after feeling relaxed, connected, or physically engaged in an enjoyable experience.

This difference deserves its own conversation.

Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire: Why You Might Not Feel in the Mood First

Sex educator Emily Nagoski and other researchers have helped popularize the distinction between spontaneous and responsive desire.

Spontaneous desire is the experience of wanting sex without an immediate sexual stimulus. Someone might think about their partner during the day and look forward to being intimate later.

Responsive desire develops in response to an enjoyable context, such as emotional closeness, affectionate touch, or sexual stimulation.

For someone who experiences responsive desire, sexual interest may not appear before intimacy begins.

That doesn’t mean they should push themselves into sexual activity when they don’t want to.

It means desire can sometimes develop after a person feels comfortable, interested, and open to exploring closeness.

There’s an important difference between being willing to see whether desire develops and feeling obligated to participate.

Consent, comfort, and the freedom to stop remain essential.

Neither desire pattern is better than the other. Many people experience both at different times.

Understanding this distinction can help couples stop interpreting every difference in initiation as evidence that attraction has disappeared.

The Mismatched Libido Cycle: Why Both Partners Feel Rejected

Imagine a couple who haven’t had sex in several weeks.

One partner reaches for the other in bed.

The other says they’re tired.

The first partner feels rejected and thinks, “You never want me anymore.”

The second partner hears the disappointment and thinks, “I can’t even say no without upsetting you.”

The next evening, the lower desire partner avoids cuddling because they’re worried it will lead to another sexual invitation.

The higher desire partner notices the distance and feels even less wanted.

Eventually, neither initiates affection.

This is how a difference in sexual desire can become a much larger relationship problem.

The higher desire partner may begin measuring love through sexual frequency. The lower desire partner may start associating intimacy with guilt, obligation, or the possibility of disappointing someone.

Neither partner necessarily intends to hurt the other.

But the pattern can become painful for both.

How to Talk About Mismatched Libido Without Blaming Each Other

When couples finally discuss sex, they often begin with frustration.

“We never have sex anymore.”

“You only touch me when you want something.”

“Why don’t you find me attractive?”

“Nothing I do is ever enough.”

These statements may reflect real hurt, but they can also make the other person defensive.

Here are a few ways to approach the conversation differently.

Choose a Time Outside the Bedroom

Don’t begin the conversation immediately after a declined invitation.

At that moment, one partner may already feel rejected while the other feels pressured.

Choose a neutral time when neither of you is expected to make a decision about sex.

Explain What Intimacy Means to You

Instead of starting with frequency, talk about the emotional experience.

You might say:

“I miss feeling close to you. When we go a long time without touching, I start wondering whether you’re still attracted to me.”

Or:

“I want us to be close, but lately I feel anxious whenever you initiate because I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed if I’m not in the mood.”

These conversations can help partners understand what the other person has been experiencing.

Ask Questions Instead of Making Assumptions

You might be surprised by what you learn when you ask:

• “When do you feel most connected to me?”

• “Is there anything making intimacy feel stressful lately?”

• “What kinds of affection do you enjoy without wanting them to lead to sex?”

• “What would help you feel more comfortable talking about desire?”

Listen to the answers before trying to solve the problem.

7 Ways to Reconnect When You Have Different Sex Drives

There isn’t one solution that works for every couple. However, several changes can make intimacy feel less stressful and more collaborative.

1. Bring Back Affection Without Expecting Sex

Agree that some physical affection won’t automatically lead to sexual activity.

You might cuddle while watching television, hold hands during a walk, or exchange a long hug before leaving for work.

The purpose is to make everyday affection feel welcome again.

Both partners should be able to enjoy touch without feeling that they’re making a promise about what happens next.

2. Stop Treating Every Rejection as a Personal Judgment

Hearing “I’m not in the mood” can hurt, particularly when physical intimacy is important to you.

But a declined invitation isn’t necessarily a rejection of your attractiveness or worth.

At the same time, the partner declining can acknowledge the disappointment without feeling responsible for fixing it through unwanted sex.

Something as simple as “I don’t feel up for sex tonight, but I’d love to spend some time close to you” may help, provided the offer is genuine.

3. Discuss What Helps Each Partner Feel Desire

For one person, desire may be connected to relaxation and emotional closeness.

For another, it may be linked to playful flirting, novelty, privacy, or uninterrupted time together.

Talk about what creates an enjoyable environment for each of you.

Try not to assume that what worked early in the relationship will always work in the same way.

4. Look at the Household Load

If one partner is exhausted from managing the majority of the family’s responsibilities, planning more date nights may not address the real issue.

Discuss whether responsibilities feel fair.

Does one person manage most of the scheduling, childcare, cleaning, or emotional planning?

Practical changes may create more opportunities for rest and connection.

5. Make Room for Intimacy Beyond Intercourse

Physical closeness doesn’t have to follow one script.

Couples can discuss what kinds of touch, affection, and sexual experiences they enjoy, what they don’t enjoy, and what they’re curious about.

The goal is mutual enjoyment rather than meeting a particular quota.

6. Protect Time Together

Long-term relationships can become dominated by work, parenting, and household responsibilities.

Try creating regular time when you’re not discussing bills, schedules, or chores.

A walk, shared breakfast, or evening without phones may give you space to reconnect.

For some couples, planning time for intimacy also helps. Planning doesn’t mean agreeing in advance to have sex. It simply creates an opportunity to connect without the usual distractions.

7. Consider Couples Counseling or Sex Therapy

When conversations about desire repeatedly end in arguments, tears, or avoidance, professional support can help.

A couples therapist can help partners understand the emotional patterns surrounding intimacy, while sex therapy can address concerns related to desire, communication, sexual expectations, and physical closeness.

If pain, medication effects, hormonal changes, or other medical issues are involved, appropriate medical evaluation may also be important.

What If Your Partner Never Wants Sex?

This can be one of the most painful situations for the partner who wants more intimacy.

You may feel unwanted, embarrassed, or afraid to initiate because you expect another rejection.

Before assuming your partner no longer loves you, try to understand what has changed.

Is the lack of desire new? Has it been present throughout the relationship? Is your partner experiencing stress, pain, exhaustion, or emotional distress?

It’s also important to recognize that some people naturally experience little or no sexual attraction or desire. That isn’t automatically a medical or relationship problem.

You can communicate that sexual intimacy matters to you without treating your partner’s consent as something they owe you.

If your needs are significantly different, the two of you may need to have a deeper conversation about compatibility, expectations, and what each person is genuinely willing to work toward.

Can a Marriage Survive Mismatched Libido?

Yes. Many couples maintain satisfying relationships despite having different levels of sexual desire.

What matters is how they handle those differences.

A couple who can discuss intimacy openly, respect each other’s boundaries, and make room for both partners’ needs may experience less distress than a couple with similar sex drives who cannot communicate.

However, some differences remain difficult even after honest conversations and therapy.

There isn’t a guarantee that both partners will eventually want the same amount of sex.

The goal is to find out whether you can create a mutually satisfying relationship without either person feeling pressured, dismissed, or chronically deprived of connection.

What Happens in Your First Couples Therapy Session

The main focus of the first session is on orientation, and you won’t be asked to solve any problems immediately.

Setting the Ground Rules

Your therapist will tell you how the sessions function, what confidentiality entails, and how they deal with intense conversations. The aim is that the situation should seem safe to both partners right from the beginning.

Telling Your Story

Each person is given the opportunity to explain what has been going on, using their own words, without being interrupted. For many couples this simply amounts to a great deal of relief. It might well be the first time in a long time that each of you has been properly heard.

The therapist will also ask about your history: how you met, what drew you to each other, and what the good times have looked like. This isn’t small talk. Understanding your strengths is just as important as understanding the problems.

Naming the Goals

By the end of the first session or two, you and your therapist will start to agree on what you want to work on. That might mean fewer arguments, renewing trust, reconnecting physically, or deciding the future of the relationship.

At Marina Edelman, LMFT, the first session is active, not passive. Couples leave with direct feedback, a sense of what’s driving their conflict, and a clear plan for what comes next.

What Happens in Couples Therapy After the First Session

Once you set goals, therapy usually moves through a few overlapping stages.

Assessment

Many therapists, especially those trained in the Gottman Method, spend the first few sessions doing a complete assessment. This can include questionnaires each partner fills out privately and short individual sessions. The assessment helps the therapist see the full picture, including strengths, sore spots, and patterns that might not come up in joint sessions.

Slowing Down the Conflict Cycle

Most couples who come to therapy are stuck in a loop. One partner pursues, the other withdraws. Or both partners get defensive within seconds. In this stage, your therapist helps you slow those moments down so you can see the pattern as it happens. Once you can see it, you can start to change it.

Building New Skills

This is where couples start practicing new ways of talking to each other. You might learn how to bring up a complaint gently, take a break when you’re overwhelmed, and repair after an argument. Your therapist will coach you through these conversations in session, then give you exercises to practice at home.

Deeper Healing

Once the day-to-day conflict calms down, you can work on deeper layers: old hurts, unmet needs, betrayals, or attachment wounds from earlier in life. This is often where the most significant change happens for some couples; that includes affair recovery or working through years of built-up resentment.

Maintaining Progress

Toward the end of therapy, sessions often become less frequent. The emphasis shifts to keeping the gains you’ve made and preparing for forthcoming challenges.

The Approaches Marina Uses: Gottman Method and EFT

Not all couples therapy looks the same. Marina Edelman, LMFT, draws on two of the most researched and respected approaches in the field.

The Gottman Method

The Gottman Method is based on more than four decades of research by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, who studied thousands of couples to learn what separates lasting relationships from those that fall apart. It concentrates on practical skills: managing conflict, building friendship and fondness, and creating shared meaning. Couples often appreciate how concrete it is. You leave sessions knowing exactly what to try next.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

Emotionally Focused Therapy, developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, looks at the emotions and attachment needs underneath your arguments. The idea is that most fights aren’t really about the dishes or the schedule. They’re about deeper questions, like: Do you have my back? And do I matter to you? EFT helps partners express those needs in a way the other person can actually hear.

Why Use Both?

Gottman gives couples tools for the surface-level patterns. EFT helps them understand and heal what’s driving those patterns. Together, they offer both structure and depth, which is why Marina integrates them into her work with couples.

What Couples Therapy Is Not

A few common myths are worth clearing up.

• It’s not about deciding who’s right. Your therapist’s “client” is the relationship, not either partner.
• It’s not just venting. A skilled therapist will guide the conversation, interrupt unhelpful patterns, and hold the focus on change.
• It’s not only for couples in crisis. Many couples come in to strengthen a good relationship, prepare for marriage, or manage a big transition. Marina also offers pre-marriage counseling for couples who want to start on solid ground.
• It doesn’t guarantee you’ll stay together. Sometimes therapy helps couples realize they want to separate. When that happens, it can help them do it with more clarity and less damage.

How to Get the Most Out of Couples Therapy

Couples who see the biggest changes usually have a few things in common:

1. They come consistently. Weekly sessions, especially early on, help build momentum.
2. They practice between sessions. The real work happens at home, in the small daily moments.
3. They continue to be curious. Instead of trying to win, they try to understand.
4. They’re honest with the therapist. If something isn’t working, saying so helps the therapist adjust.
5. They’re patient with the process. Patterns that took years to form take some time to change.

Resentment vs. Ordinary Frustration

The key distinction is duration. A moment of frustration can disappear within hours, or even by the end of the evening. Resentment, on the other hand, is a deep-seated feeling born of circumstances that repeat over and over. Thus, when your spouse is late for dinner for the third time in a week, a bout of temporary frustration may swiftly abate. However, the instant you leap to the conclusion that yes, he’s late again, this always happens, you must be of no value, that’s resentment, with a far-reaching and deep-rooted reaction to have arisen from a single circumstance.

Why Resentment Builds in Relationships

Even though most couples don’t intend to keep score, it often happens in the gap between what a couple needs and how they express those needs. A therapist will often identify a few main areas of a couple’s relationship that need work to reduce resentment and build a more positive connection.

An Uneven Mental Load

Division of Labor in Relationships. Many couples struggle to divide the labor of daily life. One of the biggest causes of resentment in marriage is the uneven distribution of the invisible work, such as remembering appointments, buying gifts, and filling the dog’s refills. Marina Edelman, LMFT, explores this important relationship topic and discusses common causes of resentment in marriage that can often lead to contempt.

Needs That Were Never Spoken

This is a common pattern for people who never, ever ask for what they want because they were raised with the mindset that asking for what you want is selfish. So instead, they tell their partner and hope their partner will pick up on what they are saying. If not, the partner’s silently unmet need usually feels like rejection.

Unrepaired Hurts

Every couple fights from time to time, but what’s important is whether you can get back to normal after the fight. If not, if the other person just walks off or changes subject, and you say “fine” without meaning it, this can create a silent barrier between you very quickly.

Big Life Transitions

Whether it is a new baby, job loss, a move, or caring for an aging parent, the impact on roles in a relationship can happen quickly. Until the couple can have a negotiation about roles, one person will bear the difference of the change. Marina writes more about this on her life transitions in a relationship page.

Signs of Resentment in Your Marriage

Why can’t you see your resentment towards your spouse even though it’s REAL. And the signs it’s there, turnin’ into contempt.

• You keep a mental tally of who did what, and you are almost always “ahead”
• Small requests from your partner feel like impositions
• You bring up old arguments during new ones
• Sarcasm, eye-rolling, or mocking has crept into everyday conversation
• You feel relief when your partner leaves the house
• Physical affection feels like one more thing being asked of you
• You vent about your spouse to friends more than you talk to your spouse

Just because several of the above statements ring true doesn’t mean that it’s the end of the road for you and your partner. In fact, it’s usually a signal that something huge has been left unaddressed and needs to be tackled ASAP.

How Resentment Turns Into Contempt

Resentment is the soil in which contempt grows; above, we described the ‘Four Horsemen’ of criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt, identified by Dr. John Gottman in his seminal research.

Contempt is more than anger; it is a sense of superiority over one’s partner, communicated through expressions of disdain, disgust, or even name-calling. Couples who view their relationship through this lens typically report feeling more like roommates who dislike each other than couples struggling with other communication patterns. However, contempt has an opposing force that has been studied and, in many cases, helped couples transition out of a negative pattern and into a more appreciative one. Appreciation is usually a habit that is relatively easy to rebuild, unlike trying to undo decades of resentment.