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As a Marriage and Family Therapist with more than 20 years of experience, I help individuals, couples, and families strengthen relationships, heal from betrayal, and navigate anxiety, depression, trauma, parenting, divorce, and life transitions. Schedule a sessionWhat Does Blame Shifting Actually Sound Like?
Blame shifting is when someone takes something they did and quietly hands the responsibility for it to you instead.
It doesn’t usually sound like “this is all your fault.” That’d be easy to catch. It’s sneakier than that, and a lot more convincing.
You ask, “Why’d you tell me you were at work when you weren’t?”
They say, “Because every time I tell you anything, you interrogate me.”
Notice what just happened there. Your question never got answered. Somehow the blame flipped, and now you’re the one on trial.
Maybe there’s a real pattern worth talking about in how you two communicate. Okay. Get to that. But not yet.
First: why’d you lie?
A better answer holds both things without flinching from either one. Something like: “I lied, and that wasn’t okay. I was scared of how you’d react, but I should’ve just told you the truth anyway. I also want to talk about what happens when I tell you something and it goes badly between us.”
That’s it. Two adults, not one on the stand. No blame shifting. Your partner’s lie doesn’t disappear just because you also have something to work on, and your communication issue doesn’t excuse the lie either. Both things are true at the same time.
“I Lied Because You Snoop”
This one comes up a lot when trust is already damaged.
One person checks a phone, asks repeated questions, looks through a credit card statement, or wants to know where their partner has been.
The other says:
“See? This is why I have to hide things from you.”
But let’s slow that down.
Why is there blame shifting?
Has there been dishonesty before?
Did something stop making sense?
Are they reacting to a real breach of trust?
Or has checking become a controlling pattern even when there isn’t evidence of deception?
Those questions matter when it comes to blame shifting.
But snooping and lying still need their own accountability.
If you looked through your partner’s phone without permission, you may need to own that.
“I shouldn’t have gone through your phone.”
That sentence doesn’t require:
“So your lying was my fault.”
Both things can be true.
You can have crossed a boundary by checking.
They can have crossed one by lying.
“I Yelled Because You Pushed Me”
Maybe you kept asking the same question.
Maybe you followed them into another room when they wanted space.
Maybe your tone wasn’t good either.
Does that mean yelling was inevitable?
No.
Adults affect each other all the time. That’s especially true in intimate relationships.
We irritate each other.
We misunderstand each other.
We interrupt.
We get defensive.
We say things badly.
We hit sore spots without meaning to.
And sometimes we know exactly where the sore spot is and hit it anyway.
You can be responsible for your part without becoming responsible for your partner’s response.
“I was frustrated because you kept following me” is different from “You made me scream at you.”
The first describes an experience.
The second hands responsibility for the behavior to someone else.
And if yelling includes threats, intimidation, blocking exits, destroying things, physical aggression, or making someone afraid for their safety, I wouldn’t treat that as an ordinary communication problem. Safety comes first.
“I Wouldn’t Have Done It If You…”
This sentence can become almost anything.
“I wouldn’t have hidden the money if you weren’t so controlling about spending.”
“I wouldn’t have texted my ex if you gave me more attention.”
“I wouldn’t have said those things if you hadn’t embarrassed me.”
“I wouldn’t have had the affair if we were having more sex.”
The part after if you can sound convincing because it may contain a real complaint.
Maybe the marriage was lonely.
Maybe sex had stopped.
Maybe there were constant arguments.
Maybe one person felt ignored for years.
Those problems deserve to be taken seriously.
They still don’t turn an affair, a lie, or another deliberate choice into something the other partner caused.
If you’re unhappy in a marriage, you have choices.
You can say you’re unhappy.
You can ask for counseling.
You can set a boundary.
You can insist something needs to change.
You can decide you no longer want to remain in the relationship.
Those choices may be painful. They’re still choices.
What If You Really Did Contribute to the Problem?
This is where conversations about blame shifting can become too simple.
I don’t want you walking away from this thinking:
“Great. Nothing is ever my fault.”
That’s not accountability either.
Maybe you were dismissive.
Maybe you’ve been critical for months.
Maybe you broke promises.
Maybe you stopped listening.
Maybe you brought something up in a cruel way.
Own it.
I’ve used a simple way of thinking about this with clients:
Mine. Yours. Ours.
What part is mine?
What part is yours?
What part belongs to the relationship we’ve created together so we don’t use blame shifting?
Suppose your partner says they lied because you get angry whenever they tell you something you don’t want to hear.
Your part may be:
“I do get reactive, and I can see why telling me difficult things has become hard.”
Their part may be:
“I chose to lie instead of telling you the truth.”
The relationship part may be:
“We’ve built a pattern where one of us gets reactive and the other starts hiding things. We need to change that.”
See the difference?
Nobody has to become completely innocent for accountability to work.
Why Do Some People Blame Their Partner for Their Choices?
Sometimes admitting fault feels much bigger than simply saying:
“I messed up.”
For some people, being wrong brings up shame quickly.
They hear:
“What you did hurt me.”
But internally it lands as:
“You’re a terrible person.”
So they defend.
Explain.
Counterattack.
Bring up your mistakes.
Anything to get away from that feeling.
Other people grew up in homes where mistakes were punished harshly. Being wrong wasn’t safe, so they learned to explain themselves out of responsibility.
And sometimes blame shifting has simply worked.
If every argument ends with you apologizing, backing down, or comforting the person whose behavior started the conversation, there’s very little pressure for that person to change how they handle accountability.
Understanding where the pattern comes from can help.
It doesn’t mean you have to keep participating in it.
Why Do You End Up Defending Yourself When They Blame You?
Because the accusation usually isn’t completely random.
That’s what makes this work so well.
You say:
“You lied to me.”
They say:
“Well, you don’t trust me anyway.”
Now you’re thinking:
Do I trust them?
Have I been too suspicious?
Did I make this worse?
Before long, you’re trying to prove that you’re reasonable.
And once you’re doing that, the original issue has disappeared.
You don’t have to answer every accusation the moment it’s made.
You can say:
“I’m willing to talk about my part. I want to finish talking about what happened first.”
Or:
“If I’ve done something that’s hurting you, I want to hear it. That doesn’t answer the question I just asked.”
You don’t need a perfect comeback.
You just need to notice when the conversation has left the room.
What Does Accountability Actually Sound Like?
Accountability usually sounds less dramatic than people expect.
“I lied. I shouldn’t have.”
“I was angry, but yelling at you wasn’t okay.”
“I should have told you instead of hiding it.”
“What you did upset me. My response is still mine.”
Then, after that:
“I also need to talk about what was happening for me.”
That last part matters.
Accountability doesn’t mean someone loses the right to have complaints.
If your partner hurt you, you can still be angry.
If you felt ignored, you can say so.
If something needs to change, bring it up.
The difference is that your complaint isn’t being used as an escape hatch from your own behavior.
What Should You Say When They Blame You for Their Behavior?
Don’t try to defend every part of yourself at once.
Come back to the choice.
“We can talk about what I did too. Right now I’m asking about what you chose to do.”
“I can own my part without taking responsibility for yours.”
“You being angry with me explains how you felt. It doesn’t make the decision mine.”
Or simply:
“What part of this are you willing to take responsibility for?”
Then listen.
Not only to the answer.
Listen to whether an answer ever comes.
What If Your Partner Never Takes Responsibility?
One bad argument doesn’t tell you everything about a relationship.
People get defensive.
People say stupid things when they’re angry.
Sometimes somebody cools down and comes back an hour later with:
“I was blaming you before. I know that wasn’t fair.”
That’s different from a relationship where accountability almost never happens.
Pay attention to the pattern.
Can your partner eventually come back and own what they did?
Can they apologize without immediately listing your faults?
Can your hurt exist without becoming an accusation against them?
Can both of you admit when you’ve contributed to a problem?
If the answer is repeatedly no, communication techniques alone may not fix what’s happening.
Because the problem isn’t always that you haven’t found the right words.
Sometimes the problem is that one person needs every difficult conversation to end with someone else being at fault.
If every fight ends with you asking, “Wait, how did this become my fault?”, start paying attention to the exact moment the conversation shifts.
You don’t have to be perfect before you’re allowed to ask someone else to own their part.
Maybe you’ve got something to own. Own it.
Maybe they do too. Don’t carry that piece home with you just because they don’t want to hold it themselves.
Mine. Yours. Ours. That’s a far more useful question than whose fault this whole thing is.
Frequently Asked Questions About Blame Shifting
What does blame shifting actually look like in a relationship?
A common one: you confront your partner about lying, and you hear “I only lied because you always overreact.” Your reaction might genuinely be worth talking about. It still doesn’t erase their choice to lie.
Is “you made me do it” a form of blame shifting?
Often, yes. People affect each other’s emotions, sure, but someone else’s behavior doesn’t automatically cancel out your responsibility for how you respond to it. Adults still get to choose whether they lie, yell, hide things, walk away mid-conversation, or just deal with the problem head on.
Can both partners be at fault in the same argument?
They can, and usually they’re at fault for different things. One person might be responsible for the hurtful thing they said. The other might be responsible for how they yelled back. You don’t need to crown one person the sole cause to hold both people accountable.
Why does my partner keep turning everything back on me?
Defensiveness, shame, old conflict habits, trouble sitting with responsibility, any of these could be behind it. You can’t read someone’s motive off a single argument. What’s worth watching instead is whether the pattern keeps them from ever acknowledging their own behavior at all.
How do I stop taking the blame for everything?
Start separating out what’s actually yours. Ask what belongs to you, what belongs to your partner, and what belongs to the pattern the two of you built together. Own what’s genuinely yours. Don’t take on the rest just to get the argument to stop.
When Every Conversation Becomes Your Fault
Maybe you keep trying to work things out, and somehow you still walk away from every conversation defending yourself. If that’s where you’re stuck, couples therapy can help slow that pattern down enough to actually see what’s going on between you two.
You don’t need to show up already knowing who’s right.
You do need enough room for both people to own their own choices.
Schedule a couples therapy session with Marina Edelman, LMFT.
📞 Call: (818) 851-1293
📧 Email: marina@marinaedelman.com
About the Author:
Couples Therapist in California
Marina Edelman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, relationship writer, and founder of TrueMe® Counseling, serving clients in Westlake Village, Thousand Oaks, and throughout California.
Drawing on more than 20 years of clinical experience, Marina writes practical, research-informed articles about couples therapy, affair recovery, trust, communication, attachment, anxiety, intimacy, and relationship repair. Her articles translate evidence-based therapeutic approaches into clear insights and actionable strategies readers can use to better understand their relationships.
Her writing is informed by:
- Gottman Method — Research-based tools for navigating conflict and strengthening friendship and intimacy
- Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) — Insights into attachment injuries, recurring relationship patterns, and emotional safety
- Attachment-Based Therapy — An understanding of how early relational experiences can shape adult relationships
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) — Strategies for identifying and changing thoughts and behaviors that contribute to disconnection
- AEDP — A compassionate approach to understanding and processing deeper emotional wounds
Through her articles, Marina helps readers recognize unhealthy patterns, understand the emotions beneath conflict, and identify practical next steps toward healing. Her content is especially relevant to couples and individuals navigating infidelity, broken trust, recurring arguments, emotional distance, anxiety, premarital concerns, or major relationship transitions.
Marina also provides in-person counseling in Westlake Village and Thousand Oaks and telehealth services throughout California.
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