Are your in-laws creating tension between you and your partner?
Marina Edelman, LMFT, helps couples navigate family interference, establish healthy boundaries, and protect their marriage without damaging family relationships. Schedule a couples therapy session in Westlake Village or online throughout California. Schedule a sessionSetting boundaries with in-laws is by far the most common issue couples bring to therapy and it often becomes very pressing as the holidays draw near. Your mother-in-law might just show up unannounced. Your partner’s family may be constantly offering you advice on your parenting, your house, your finances. Every holiday may become a negotiation over who gets the most time. And the real difficulty is that your partner doesn’t appear to see the issue in the same way you do.
Here’s the short version: healthy boundaries with in-laws are not about pushing family away. It’s about protecting your relationship as a couple whilst still keeping the family close. The couples who do this well will have worked out the boundaries together in private first, before going to the family. One partner will typically take the lead with their own family and the other will do the same with their own. They present a united front. Marina Edelman, LMFT (a Gottman trained marriage and family therapist in Westlake Village) helps couples work through the in-law tension so that neither partner is left having to choose between their spouse and their family.
Why In-Law Boundaries Are So Hard
An in-law dispute strikes at some of our most fundamental loyalties and that’s why it can feel so very personal and so very painful.
Two Families, Two Sets of Rules
Every family has its own set of unspoken rules – how often you call, whether you’re allowed to just turn up unannounced, how much advice is acceptable and what the holidays are supposed to be like. When two people get married those rules come into conflict. What is normal for one person may be completely unacceptable to the other.
Loyalty Feels Divided
So many people are in the position of being torn between their partner and the family that brought them up. To set a boundary with a parent can feel like a betrayal even if it’s the right thing to do. That’s why one partner may be absolutely against the boundaries that the other partner desperately needs.
Old Roles Come Back
Around their parents, many adults will revert to their childhood roles (the peacemaker, the people pleaser, the child who can’t say no). Their partner may notice this and feel unsupported and alone.
Different Comfort Levels
One partner may thrive on regular family contact, the other may find it all very intrusive and would much prefer to have some privacy and time to themselves as a couple. Neither of those preferences is in any way wrong, it’s just that without a conversation it becomes a constant source of friction.
Signs You Need Clearer Boundaries With In-Laws
You may need to set or strengthen boundaries if:
- In-laws make decisions or plans for you without asking.
- Unsolicited advice about parenting, money, or your home is frequent and hurtful.
- Your partner shares private details of your relationship with their family.
- Holiday plans feel decided for you every year.
- Visits happen without notice or last longer than you’re comfortable with
- One partner feels criticized or excluded by the other’s family.
- You and your partner fight about in-laws more than almost anything else.
If several of these sound familiar, it’s worth having a deliberate conversation as a couple.
How to Set Boundaries With In-Laws as a Couple
- Get on the Same Page First
The most important step is actually before you say anything to the family. You need to have a private conversation with your partner about what’s on your mind, what you each need and what you can agree on. Boundaries are far more effective when they come from the couple as a joint decision rather than just one person.
Use a gentle start: “I love that your family are close and I’d like us to get on well with them. I’m feeling rather overwhelmed by the unannounced visits. Can we talk about what might work for us both?”
- Understand Your Partner’s Position
If your partner is hesitant then try to work out why. They may be frightened of offending their parents, they may feel guilty or they may just have different expectations. Listening first makes compromise far more likely.
- Agree That Each Partner Handles Their Own Family
In most cases it’s best for each partner to be the one to communicate their boundaries to their own parents. The family will generally take a boundary much better from their own child than they will from a son or daughter in law and it does protect the in-law relationship.
- Present a United Front
Share the decision as a couple: “We’ve decided to spend Christmas morning at home this year and we’d love to see you in the afternoon.” That’s very different to “My wife doesn’t want to come” which of course makes one partner the bad guy.
- Be Clear, Kind, and Brief
You don’t need a long explanation. Warm, simple language works best:
- “We’d love to see you. Please call before you come, so we can be at home.”
- “Thanks for the suggestion. We’ve decided to deal with bedtime a different way.”
- We’re going to keep a few bits of our finances to ourselves, but we do appreciate you being concerned.
- Expect Some Pushback
Family members may initially feel hurt or test the boundary. That doesn’t mean the boundary is wrong. Stay calm, repeat it gently and consistently and then stick to it.
- Keep Investing in the Relationship
Boundaries work best in conjunction with connection. You can invite in-laws to things you’d like to share, express your appreciation and let them know they’re important. Boundaries are about ‘this is how we can be close’ rather than ‘stay away’.
Setting Boundaries With In-Laws During the Holidays
The holidays can intensify in-law tension. A few strategies help:
- Plan early. Work out where you’re going for each of your holidays weeks in advance and let the family know straight away.
- Alternate or split. Many couples will alternate years or split the day between the families.
- Set a time limit. “We’ll be there from 2 to 6” makes it far easier to plan visits.
- Agree on a signal. Have a word or a gesture that means “I need a break” or “I’m ready to go”.
- Debrief afterwards. Check in with each other on the drive home.
If you’re also dealing with differences in culture or faith then Marina’s page on intercultural and interfaith couples is worth a look.
What if your partner won’t set boundaries with their family?
This is one of the most painful situations couples face. If your partner keeps avoiding the issue:
- Share the impact not just the complaint. “When my mother criticises my parenting and absolutely nothing is said I feel utterly isolated and unsupported.”
- Ask them what makes it difficult. Fear of conflict, guilt or loyalty are all very common and all warrant compassion.
- Start small. Agree on one small boundary first and then build from there.
- Protect your own boundaries. You can still choose how you respond, e.g. walk away from a conversation that becomes critical. Support. A couples therapist can help both partners talk about family loyalty without blame.
Unresolved in-law tension often turns into resentment in marriage, so it’s worth addressing early.
When to Seek Couples Counseling
Consider couples therapy if:
- In-laws are a constant source of arguments.
- One partner feels the other always sides with their family.
- Boundaries have been set but are repeatedly ignored.
- Family conflict is affecting your parenting, finances, or intimacy.
- You’re blending families or navigating cultural differences.
How Marina Edelman, LMFT Helps Couples With In-Law Conflict
Marina helps couples understand the loyalties and expectations behind in-law conflict, agree on boundaries that respect both partners, and practice how to communicate them with kindness. Her approach draws on the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), helping partners move from “you vs. me” to “us.”
Marina also offers family counseling and therapy for families who want to work through conflict together, as well as support for blended families. Sessions are available in person in Westlake Village and through secure online counseling throughout California.
Frequently Asked Questions About Setting Boundaries With In-Laws
Is it okay to set boundaries with in-laws?
Yes. Healthy boundaries protect your marriage and often improve relationships with in-laws over time, because everyone knows what to expect.
Who should set boundaries with the in-laws?
Usually, each partner takes the lead with their own family, after the couple agrees on the boundary together. This tends to reduce conflict and protect the in-law relationship.
What if my in-laws ignore our boundaries?
Restate the boundary calmly and follow through with a consistent consequence, like ending a visit or leaving early. Consistency matters more than intensity.
How do I set boundaries with my mother-in-law without hurting her feelings?
Lead with warmth, keep it brief, and frame it as what works for your family: “We love having you over. Could you call before stopping by so we can plan?” Your partner may be the best person to say it.
Can couples therapy help with in-law problems?
Yes. Couples therapy helps partners understand each other’s family loyalties, agree on boundaries, and present a united front without blame.
Protect Your Relationship and Your Family Ties
Setting boundaries with in-laws doesn’t mean choosing between your partner and your family. It means building a relationship strong enough to hold both. When couples work as a team, family relationships often become healthier too.
Marina Edelman, LMFT offers couples and family counseling in Westlake Village and online throughout California, with a structured, compassionate approach built on the Gottman Method and EFT.
📞 Call: (818) 851-1293
📧 Email: marina@marinaedelman.com
About the Author:
Couples Therapist in California
Marina Edelman is a licensed marriage and family therapist with more than 20 years of experience working with couples and individuals. She founded TrueMe® Counseling, created the TrueMe® Method, and hosts the Marina on Marriage podcast. A former financial analyst, she brings financial therapy into her couples work. She sees clients throughout California.
Host a podcast? I talk with hosts about AI and modern relationships, the rewrite reflex, and how couples repair in real time. Invite me on your show: Marina Edelman, LMFT
For more honest conversations about dating, marriage, and the patterns we bring into love, subscribe to Marina on Marriage. If this essay brought someone to mind, share it with them.
Her writing is informed by:
- Gottman Method — Research-based tools for navigating conflict and strengthening friendship and intimacy
- Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) — Insights into attachment injuries, recurring relationship patterns, and emotional safety
- Attachment-Based Therapy — An understanding of how early relational experiences can shape adult relationships
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) — Strategies for identifying and changing thoughts and behaviors that contribute to disconnection
- AEDP — A compassionate approach to understanding and processing deeper emotional wounds
Through her articles, Marina helps readers recognize unhealthy patterns, understand the emotions beneath conflict, and identify practical next steps toward healing. Her content is especially relevant to couples and individuals navigating infidelity, broken trust, recurring arguments, emotional distance, anxiety, premarital concerns, or major relationship transitions.
Marina also provides in-person counseling in Westlake Village and Thousand Oaks and telehealth services throughout California.
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