Managing Money as a Couple: How to Stop Fighting

Managing Money as a Couple: How to Stop Fighting

by | Nov 3, 2026 | couples counseling

Tired of feeling shut out when you try to communicate?

Marina Edelman, LMFT, helps couples break the stonewalling cycle, improve communication, and rebuild emotional connection. Schedule a couples therapy session in Westlake Village or online throughout California.
Schedule a session

Managing Money as a Couple: How to Stop Fighting and Become a Financial Team

Money management as a couple is probably the single biggest source of friction in a relationship and it’s rarely simply a matter of the figures. One partner will check the bank balance every morning. The other would much rather not. One person will look at a holiday as a wise investment in the relationship. The other will look at it as money that should be going into the bank. A surprise credit card charge is going to become an argument and that argument is going to very quickly become about respect, about trust and whether or not you’re actually on the same team.

Here’s the short version: couples who manage money well don’t necessarily make more than each other or agree on everything. They talk about money all the time, understand the emotional underpinnings of each other’s money habits (often rooted in family history), and have a shared plan. Money conflict is usually a reflection of differing values and fears, not necessarily a sign of a bad partner. Marina Edelman, LMFT (a marriage and family therapist in Westlake Village) has a rare background in that she was a financial analyst for a Fortune 500 company prior to embarking on her 20+ year clinical career. She helps couples to understand the emotional component of their money conflict and turn that into a real partnership.

A couple sitting and showing each other's money to budget for the next weeks.

Why Couples Fight About Money

Money touches almost every aspect of life in some way or another: security, freedom, status, fairness, and the future. For that reason, money fights can get heated even when the amount in question is small.

Different Money Personalities

Most couples will have one partner who is naturally a saver and one who is naturally a spender. The saver will probably see a bank account as a source of security and will be quite happy with a financial cushion. The spender will probably be all about experiences, being generous and living in the moment. Neither approach is necessarily wrong, it’s just that without an understanding of the other’s perspective each partner is likely to start to see the other as either being completely reckless or completely controlling.

Family Money Stories

Everyone has some kind of message about money from their upbringing. It might have been that money was always tight and it was a constant topic of conversation. It might have been the complete opposite, with money never really being discussed at all. It might have been that one parent was the one who ran the household finances and the other parent had no input at all. Those early experiences with money will have a massive effect on how we feel about money as adults, and we rarely even realize it.

Money Means More Than Money

In Marina’s work money arguments are almost never about the receipt. They’re almost always about some deeper issue: do you value my contribution? Can I trust you? Do I have a say in our future? Am I safe? Once couples have recognized what money means to each of them the conversation is very different.

Unequal Incomes or Roles

When one person is earning a lot more than the other, or one is the one who’s at home with the kids, the issues of fairness and power can arise. Who gets to make the decisions? Whose money is it? Those are issues which absolutely need to be discussed openly rather than just be the subject of quiet resentment.

Common Money Problems Couples Face

Some money issues show up again and again in couples therapy:

  • Avoiding money conversations until a crisis forces one
  • Different spending priorities, like travel vs. savings or the house vs. retirement
  • Debt brought into the relationship that one partner didn’t know about
  • Unequal financial knowledge, where one partner handles everything and the other feels left out.
  • Holiday and gift spending that goes well beyond what was planned
  • Supporting extended family financially without agreeing on limits
  • Secret spending or hidden accounts
Couple in conflict in the middle of their kitchen.

When Money Becomes a Trust Issue

That last point is particularly important. Financial infidelity is about hiding purchases, having secret accounts, concealing debt, lying about money etc. It can be just as damaging as any other form of infidelity in terms of the damage to trust and the way the partner views the relationship. Marina’s page on financial infidelity looks at how couples can get back on track when this has occurred.

How to Talk About Money Without Fighting

Loads of couples will just avoid any money conversation as they always seem to go tits up. A few tweaks can make them a lot easier.

  1. Schedule the Conversation

Money talks don’t go well when they’re happening in the middle of a stressful moment (imagine the moment the big bill arrives). It’s far better to set a time when you’re both rested and calm. A lot of couples find a monthly ‘money date’ to be the way to go.

  1. Start With Values, Not Numbers

Before you even look at a spreadsheet talk about what’s important to each of you. What does financial security mean to you? What would you most like to be able to do with your money in five years time? What’s your biggest worry? Shared values are going to make it so much easier to agree on the specifics.

  1. Share Your Money Story

Take it in turns to describe how money was handled in your family when you were growing up. Ask each other: what did you learn about money as a kid? What would you like to do the same and what would you like to do differently? This can be a very useful exercise in explaining the origins of some of the habits that previously just seemed so frustrating. Marina’s money mindset exercise is a good place to start.

  1. Use “I” Statements

Rather than “You always spend too much” try “I get anxious when our savings go down and I’d like us to agree on a monthly limit”. That way you’re focusing on your own feelings and needs rather than on their character.

  1. Take a Break if It Gets Heated

If either of you is feeling overwhelmed or the conversation is starting to get out of hand then just pause and come back to it later. Money talks work a lot better when both of you are calm enough to actually listen.

Building a Financial Plan Together

Once the conversation has got going you can start to build a system that works for both of you.

Choose a Structure That Fits

There’s no single right way to combine finances. Common options include:

  • Fully joint: all the income goes into the joint accounts and all the expenses come out of the joint accounts.
  • Fully separate: each partner has their own accounts and splits the shared costs.
  • Hybrid (‘yours, mine and ours’): a joint account to cover shared expenses and objectives with each person maintaining their own personal account for their own spending.

Many couples find the hybrid approach offers the best of both worlds in terms of teamwork and independence. The key thing is that you choose it together.

Build a Shared Budget

A budget isn’t a punishment, it’s a plan for what’s important to you both. List your income, your fixed costs, your savings goals and your fun money. Marina’s household budget resource can get you started.

Set Shared Goals

Paying off debt, saving for a house, planning a holiday, or planning for retirement are much easier when you work on it together. Just write down your goals and celebrate the progress you make.

Agree on a “Check-In” Number

Lots of couples will set an amount (say $200 or $500) above which either partner will check in before they spend. It’s a fairly straightforward way of avoiding any surprises without having to micromanage each other.

Give Each Partner Some Freedom

Personal spending money that neither partner has to justify can actually go a long way to reducing a huge amount of conflict. It enables individuality without any sense of guilt.

A man and a woman sit on a couch, talking with a clinician who holds a clipboard in a bright living-room therapy session about an affair.

When to Seek Financial Therapy or Couples Counseling

Some money disputes can be sorted out through better communication and a good plan. Others are more complex. If in any doubt at all then you should consider getting some support.

  • Every money conversation turns into a fight or shutdown.
  • One partner has hidden debt, accounts, or spending.
  • Money is being used to control or punish
  • Financial stress is affecting your health, sleep, or intimacy.
  • You’re about to combine finances, such as before marriage or buying a home, and want to start strong.

How Marina Edelman, LMFT, Helps Couples With Money

Marina’s background as a former Fortune 500 financial analyst gives her a real insight into the way money, power, identity and stress all interact in relationships. In her financial therapy work she helps couples to work through the emotions behind their money behaviour, to rebuild trust after financial secrecy and to come up with a plan that they both feel is good.

Her couples work is based on the Gottman Method with a particular emphasis on helping partners talk about difficult issues without it spiralling out of control. Money is a major area of focus in pre-marital counselling for engaged couples. In person sessions are available in Westlake Village and via secure online counselling throughout California. Financial therapy is available to clients across the country.

Frequently Asked Questions About Managing Money as a Couple

Should couples pool their finances?

It varies from couple to couple. Some couples are absolutely fine with fully joint accounts, some prefer to keep their finances completely separate and many will have a mixture of the two. The right solution is the one that both partners are comfortable with.

How often should a couple talk about money?

Many couples find a simple monthly money check-in very useful, with a more substantial discussion happening once or twice a year around their longer term objectives. The regularity of the conversation is what prevents the little things from blowing up into major arguments.

What is financial infidelity?

Financial infidelity is simply hiding or lying about money in a relationship. It can be as simple as making secret purchases, having hidden accounts or undisclosed debt. It can be a massive trust breaker but with honesty and support the relationship can absolutely recover.

What if your partner just won’t talk about money?

Start by asking them what makes money conversations so difficult for them. A lot of people just avoid the subject altogether due to shame, fear or past conflict. Keep it low pressure and focus on the shared objectives. If they continue to avoid it then a therapist can be of help.

What is financial therapy?

Financial therapy is about combining emotional support with a good understanding of the practicalities of finance. It’s about helping people to explore their attitudes and feelings about money, to break bad patterns and to make decisions in a less stressful and less conflictual way.

Ready to feel like a team about money?

Managing money as a couple doesn’t require identical habits or perfect finances. It requires understanding, honest conversation, and a shared plan. When couples start working with each other instead of against each other, money can become a source of security instead of stress.

Marina Edelman, LMFT offers couples counseling and financial therapy in Westlake Village and online, with a unique combination of clinical expertise and a professional background in finance.

📞 Call: (818) 851-1293

📧 Email: marina@marinaedelman.com

Book an appointment today.

Marina Edelman, LMFT | Relationship & Marriage Counselor | Westlake Village & Thousand Oaks | Serving California. Founder of TrueMe® Counseling and TrueMe® Method

About the Author:

Marina Edelman, LMFT
Couples Therapist in California

Marina Edelman is a licensed marriage and family therapist with more than 20 years of experience working with couples and individuals. She founded TrueMe® Counseling, created the TrueMe® Method, and hosts the Marina on Marriage podcast. A former financial analyst, she brings financial therapy into her couples work. She sees clients throughout California.

Host a podcast? I talk with hosts about AI and modern relationships, the rewrite reflex, and how couples repair in real time. Invite me on your show: Marina Edelman, LMFT

For more honest conversations about dating, marriage, and the patterns we bring into love, subscribe to Marina on Marriage. If this essay brought someone to mind, share it with them.

Her writing is informed by:

  • Gottman Method — Research-based tools for navigating conflict and strengthening friendship and intimacy
  • Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) — Insights into attachment injuries, recurring relationship patterns, and emotional safety
  • Attachment-Based Therapy — An understanding of how early relational experiences can shape adult relationships
  • Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) — Strategies for identifying and changing thoughts and behaviors that contribute to disconnection
  • AEDP — A compassionate approach to understanding and processing deeper emotional wounds

Through her articles, Marina helps readers recognize unhealthy patterns, understand the emotions beneath conflict, and identify practical next steps toward healing. Her content is especially relevant to couples and individuals navigating infidelity, broken trust, recurring arguments, emotional distance, anxiety, premarital concerns, or major relationship transitions.

Marina also provides in-person counseling in Westlake Village and Thousand Oaks and telehealth services throughout California.

Other Blogs You Might Like

Take the first step toward healing and connection, schedule your consultation today.

Not sure where to start? Let’s talk.

Schedule a sessionCall Marina

Mismatched Libido in Marriage: Why It Happens and How to Reconnect

Mismatched Libido in Marriage: Why It Happens and How to Reconnect

by | Oct 29, 2026 | couples counseling

Tired of feeling shut out when you try to communicate?

Marina Edelman, LMFT, helps couples break the stonewalling cycle, improve communication, and rebuild emotional connection. Schedule a couples therapy session in Westlake Village or online throughout California.
Schedule a session

Why Does One Partner Want Sex More Than the Other?

It’s one of the most common things couples bring to my office, and one of the hardest for them to say out loud.

One partner wants more physical intimacy and is starting to feel rejected. The other feels pressured, guilty, or simply isn’t in the mood. Eventually, they begin to dread the conversation altogether.

Both feel lonely. Neither knows how to fix it.

Mismatched libido happens when partners have different levels of sexual desire, and it’s a common experience in long-term relationships. It doesn’t automatically mean the relationship is failing, that attraction has disappeared, or that either person has a problem.

What makes a difference in desire painful is often the cycle that develops around it. One person keeps reaching for closeness. The other begins pulling away. Over time, even a simple hug can become complicated.

As a marriage and family therapist with more than 20 years of experience, I’ve worked with couples who care deeply about each other but have stopped feeling comfortable discussing sex.

The good news is that different levels of desire don’t have to determine the future of your relationship. Understanding what’s happening between you is a useful place to begin.

Feeling disconnected because of different sex drives? Schedule a couples therapy session with Marina Edelman, LMFT in Westlake Village or online throughout California.

What Is Mismatched Libido in a Relationship?

Mismatched libido, also called sexual desire discrepancy, means that two partners differ in how frequently or intensely they experience sexual desire.

One partner might want sex several times a week. The other might prefer once a month. Or one may enjoy physical intimacy but rarely think about initiating it.

Neither preference is automatically wrong.

There also isn’t a universally correct amount of sex that every healthy couple should have.

Some couples are comfortable with their differences and find arrangements that work for both people. Others experience considerable distress because their expectations, needs, and experiences of intimacy don’t align.

The important question isn’t simply how often you have sex.

It’s whether both partners feel respected, connected, and able to talk about what they want without fearing rejection or pressure.

Couple sitting together in therapy, looking thoughtful rather than distressed.

Why Do Couples Have Different Sex Drives?

Sexual desire isn’t fixed. It can change throughout adulthood, sometimes considerably.

Even couples who began their relationship with similar levels of desire may find themselves wanting different things several years later.

Several factors can contribute.

1. Stress and Exhaustion

You finish work, prepare dinner, answer emails, help the children get ready for tomorrow, and finally climb into bed.

Your partner reaches for you.

You love them. You’re attracted to them. But your mind is still working through tomorrow’s responsibilities, and all you want is sleep.

Chronic stress can make sexual interest harder to access. When someone is physically exhausted or mentally preoccupied, intimacy may feel like another task rather than something enjoyable.

This doesn’t necessarily reflect how much they love their partner.

2. Hormonal Changes, Health, and Medications

Pregnancy, postpartum recovery, perimenopause, menopause, chronic pain, sleep disturbances, and certain medications can affect sexual desire.

Some antidepressants, for example, can contribute to changes in libido or sexual functioning.

Physical discomfort, hormonal changes, and concerns about sexual performance may also influence whether someone looks forward to intimacy.

When desire changes suddenly or becomes distressing, it’s worth discussing possible medical contributors with a qualified healthcare professional.

3. Parenting and Unequal Responsibilities

For many couples, becoming parents changes the relationship in ways they didn’t anticipate.

Someone who spends the entire day responding to other people’s needs may reach the evening feeling that they have nothing left to give.

If one partner is carrying most of the childcare, household planning, or emotional responsibilities, resentment can also affect their interest in physical closeness.

Sometimes the conversation about sex needs to include a conversation about everything happening outside the bedroom.

4. Emotional Disconnection

It’s difficult for some people to feel sexually open when they’re carrying unresolved hurt.

Maybe you’ve been arguing for months. Maybe you don’t feel appreciated. Maybe a betrayal has made physical vulnerability feel unsafe.

For some partners, emotional connection helps create the conditions for sexual desire.

Others experience sexual intimacy as one of the primary ways they feel emotionally connected.

When these needs aren’t understood, both partners can feel that the other is withholding something important.

5. Different Ways of Experiencing Desire

One of the most useful things couples can learn is that sexual desire doesn’t always begin in the same way.

Some people experience desire before physical intimacy starts.

Others experience desire only after feeling relaxed, connected, or physically engaged in an enjoyable experience.

This difference deserves its own conversation.

Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire: Why You Might Not Feel in the Mood First

Sex educator Emily Nagoski and other researchers have helped popularize the distinction between spontaneous and responsive desire.

Spontaneous desire is the experience of wanting sex without an immediate sexual stimulus. Someone might think about their partner during the day and look forward to being intimate later.

Responsive desire develops in response to an enjoyable context, such as emotional closeness, affectionate touch, or sexual stimulation.

For someone who experiences responsive desire, sexual interest may not appear before intimacy begins.

That doesn’t mean they should push themselves into sexual activity when they don’t want to.

It means desire can sometimes develop after a person feels comfortable, interested, and open to exploring closeness.

There’s an important difference between being willing to see whether desire develops and feeling obligated to participate.

Consent, comfort, and the freedom to stop remain essential.

Neither desire pattern is better than the other. Many people experience both at different times.

Understanding this distinction can help couples stop interpreting every difference in initiation as evidence that attraction has disappeared.

The Mismatched Libido Cycle: Why Both Partners Feel Rejected

Imagine a couple who haven’t had sex in several weeks.

One partner reaches for the other in bed.

The other says they’re tired.

The first partner feels rejected and thinks, “You never want me anymore.”

The second partner hears the disappointment and thinks, “I can’t even say no without upsetting you.”

The next evening, the lower desire partner avoids cuddling because they’re worried it will lead to another sexual invitation.

The higher desire partner notices the distance and feels even less wanted.

Eventually, neither initiates affection.

This is how a difference in sexual desire can become a much larger relationship problem.

The higher desire partner may begin measuring love through sexual frequency. The lower desire partner may start associating intimacy with guilt, obligation, or the possibility of disappointing someone.

Neither partner necessarily intends to hurt the other.

But the pattern can become painful for both.

How to Talk About Mismatched Libido Without Blaming Each Other

When couples finally discuss sex, they often begin with frustration.

“We never have sex anymore.”

“You only touch me when you want something.”

“Why don’t you find me attractive?”

“Nothing I do is ever enough.”

These statements may reflect real hurt, but they can also make the other person defensive.

Here are a few ways to approach the conversation differently.

Choose a Time Outside the Bedroom

Don’t begin the conversation immediately after a declined invitation.

At that moment, one partner may already feel rejected while the other feels pressured.

Choose a neutral time when neither of you is expected to make a decision about sex.

Explain What Intimacy Means to You

Instead of starting with frequency, talk about the emotional experience.

You might say:

“I miss feeling close to you. When we go a long time without touching, I start wondering whether you’re still attracted to me.”

Or:

“I want us to be close, but lately I feel anxious whenever you initiate because I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed if I’m not in the mood.”

These conversations can help partners understand what the other person has been experiencing.

Ask Questions Instead of Making Assumptions

You might be surprised by what you learn when you ask:

  • “When do you feel most connected to me?”

  • “Is there anything making intimacy feel stressful lately?”

  • “What kinds of affection do you enjoy without wanting them to lead to sex?”

  • “What would help you feel more comfortable talking about desire?”

Listen to the answers before trying to solve the problem.

Couple sitting on a sofa with distance between them, there is a specialty couples therapist in the frame as well.

7 Ways to Reconnect When You Have Different Sex Drives

There isn’t one solution that works for every couple. However, several changes can make intimacy feel less stressful and more collaborative.

1. Bring Back Affection Without Expecting Sex

Agree that some physical affection won’t automatically lead to sexual activity.

You might cuddle while watching television, hold hands during a walk, or exchange a long hug before leaving for work.

The purpose is to make everyday affection feel welcome again.

Both partners should be able to enjoy touch without feeling that they’re making a promise about what happens next.

2. Stop Treating Every Rejection as a Personal Judgment

Hearing “I’m not in the mood” can hurt, particularly when physical intimacy is important to you.

But a declined invitation isn’t necessarily a rejection of your attractiveness or worth.

At the same time, the partner declining can acknowledge the disappointment without feeling responsible for fixing it through unwanted sex.

Something as simple as “I don’t feel up for sex tonight, but I’d love to spend some time close to you” may help, provided the offer is genuine.

3. Discuss What Helps Each Partner Feel Desire

For one person, desire may be connected to relaxation and emotional closeness.

For another, it may be linked to playful flirting, novelty, privacy, or uninterrupted time together.

Talk about what creates an enjoyable environment for each of you.

Try not to assume that what worked early in the relationship will always work in the same way.

4. Look at the Household Load

If one partner is exhausted from managing the majority of the family’s responsibilities, planning more date nights may not address the real issue.

Discuss whether responsibilities feel fair.

Does one person manage most of the scheduling, childcare, cleaning, or emotional planning?

Practical changes may create more opportunities for rest and connection.

5. Make Room for Intimacy Beyond Intercourse

Physical closeness doesn’t have to follow one script.

Couples can discuss what kinds of touch, affection, and sexual experiences they enjoy, what they don’t enjoy, and what they’re curious about.

The goal is mutual enjoyment rather than meeting a particular quota.

6. Protect Time Together

Long-term relationships can become dominated by work, parenting, and household responsibilities.

Try creating regular time when you’re not discussing bills, schedules, or chores.

A walk, shared breakfast, or evening without phones may give you space to reconnect.

For some couples, planning time for intimacy also helps. Planning doesn’t mean agreeing in advance to have sex. It simply creates an opportunity to connect without the usual distractions.

7. Consider Couples Counseling or Sex Therapy

When conversations about desire repeatedly end in arguments, tears, or avoidance, professional support can help.

A couples therapist can help partners understand the emotional patterns surrounding intimacy, while sex therapy can address concerns related to desire, communication, sexual expectations, and physical closeness.

If pain, medication effects, hormonal changes, or other medical issues are involved, appropriate medical evaluation may also be important.

What If Your Partner Never Wants Sex?

This can be one of the most painful situations for the partner who wants more intimacy.

You may feel unwanted, embarrassed, or afraid to initiate because you expect another rejection.

Before assuming your partner no longer loves you, try to understand what has changed.

Is the lack of desire new? Has it been present throughout the relationship? Is your partner experiencing stress, pain, exhaustion, or emotional distress?

It’s also important to recognize that some people naturally experience little or no sexual attraction or desire. That isn’t automatically a medical or relationship problem.

You can communicate that sexual intimacy matters to you without treating your partner’s consent as something they owe you.

If your needs are significantly different, the two of you may need to have a deeper conversation about compatibility, expectations, and what each person is genuinely willing to work toward.

Can a Marriage Survive Mismatched Libido?

Yes. Many couples maintain satisfying relationships despite having different levels of sexual desire.

What matters is how they handle those differences.

A couple who can discuss intimacy openly, respect each other’s boundaries, and make room for both partners’ needs may experience less distress than a couple with similar sex drives who cannot communicate.

However, some differences remain difficult even after honest conversations and therapy.

There isn’t a guarantee that both partners will eventually want the same amount of sex.

The goal is to find out whether you can create a mutually satisfying relationship without either person feeling pressured, dismissed, or chronically deprived of connection.

    A man and a woman sit on a couch, talking with a clinician who holds a clipboard in a bright living-room therapy session about an affair.

    How Marina Edelman, LMFT Helps Couples With Desire Differences

    Marina provides a safe, judgment-free space to talk about intimacy, something many couples have never been able to do. Using the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), she helps partners understand the cycle they’re caught in, express what they each need, and rebuild emotional and physical closeness at a pace that feels right for both.

    Marina also offers sex therapy for couples and individuals, and support around reproductive mental health, including the changes that can come with pregnancy and the postpartum period. Sessions are available in person in Westlake Village and through secure online marriage counseling throughout California.

    Frequently Asked Questions About Mismatched Libido

    Is it normal to have a mismatched libido in a relationship?

    Yes. Most couples experience some difference in desire, and it often shifts over the course of a relationship. A difference in desire isn’t a sign that the relationship is failing.

    Can a relationship survive mismatched libidos?

    Yes. Many couples with very different levels of desire have happy, connected relationships. What matters most is how partners talk about the difference and whether both feel respected and cared for.

    What causes low libido in a marriage?

    Common causes include stress, exhaustion, hormonal changes, health conditions, medications, life transitions like parenthood, and emotional disconnection or unresolved conflict. Often several factors are involved at once.

    Should we see a doctor or a therapist first?

    If desire has changed suddenly or you notice physical symptoms, it’s wise to check in with a medical provider to rule out health or medication factors. A therapist can help with the emotional and relational side, and many couples benefit from both.

    What does sex therapy involve?

    Sex therapy is talk therapy. It focuses on conversation, education, and exercises couples practice privately at home. There is no physical contact or nudity in sessions. The goal is to help partners understand each other and reconnect in a way that feels safe and comfortable.

    Ready to Feel Close Again?

    A mismatched libido can leave both partners feeling lonely and misunderstood, but it doesn’t have to stay that way. With openness, curiosity, and the right support, couples can find a way of connecting that works for both of them.

    Marina Edelman, LMFT offers couples counseling and sex therapy in Westlake Village and online throughout California, with a compassionate, structured approach built on the Gottman Method and EFT.

    📞 Call: (818) 851-1293

    📧 Email: marina@marinaedelman.com

    Book an appointment today.

    Marina Edelman, LMFT | Relationship & Marriage Counselor | Westlake Village & Thousand Oaks | Serving California. Founder of TrueMe® Counseling and TrueMe® Method

    About the Author:

    Marina Edelman, LMFT
    Couples Therapist in California

    Marina Edelman is a licensed marriage and family therapist with more than 20 years of experience working with couples and individuals. She founded TrueMe® Counseling, created the TrueMe® Method, and hosts the Marina on Marriage podcast. A former financial analyst, she brings financial therapy into her couples work. She sees clients throughout California.

    Host a podcast? I talk with hosts about AI and modern relationships, the rewrite reflex, and how couples repair in real time. Invite me on your show: Marina Edelman, LMFT

    For more honest conversations about dating, marriage, and the patterns we bring into love, subscribe to Marina on Marriage. If this essay brought someone to mind, share it with them.

    Her writing is informed by:

    • Gottman Method — Research-based tools for navigating conflict and strengthening friendship and intimacy
    • Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) — Insights into attachment injuries, recurring relationship patterns, and emotional safety
    • Attachment-Based Therapy — An understanding of how early relational experiences can shape adult relationships
    • Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) — Strategies for identifying and changing thoughts and behaviors that contribute to disconnection
    • AEDP — A compassionate approach to understanding and processing deeper emotional wounds

    Through her articles, Marina helps readers recognize unhealthy patterns, understand the emotions beneath conflict, and identify practical next steps toward healing. Her content is especially relevant to couples and individuals navigating infidelity, broken trust, recurring arguments, emotional distance, anxiety, premarital concerns, or major relationship transitions.

    Marina also provides in-person counseling in Westlake Village and Thousand Oaks and telehealth services throughout California.

    Other Blogs You Might Like

    Take the first step toward healing and connection, schedule your consultation today.

    Not sure where to start? Let’s talk.

    Schedule a sessionCall Marina

    What Happens in Couples Therapy

    What Happens in Couples Therapy

    by | Oct 23, 2026 | couples counseling

    You don't have to figure it out alone.

    As a Marriage and Family Therapist with more than 20 years of experience, I help individuals, couples, and families strengthen relationships, heal from betrayal, and navigate anxiety, depression, trauma, parenting, divorce, and life transitions.
    Schedule a session

    What Happens in Couples Therapy? What to Expect From Your First Sessions

    It is one of the most frequently asked questions by people before they book a therapy session. You may have been considering it for months or your partner could have raised it with you after a difficult week. In either case, it’s completely normal to feel nervous; you might imagine sitting on a couch while a stranger decides who is in the right, or you might be concerned that therapy will just cause even more conflict.

    The short answer is that couples’ therapy involves a structured and guided discussion in which a qualified therapist helps you identify the patterns that are causing you to become stuck and then shows you useful techniques for changing them. Neither person is put on trial and the therapist doesn’t take sides. In the initial sessions the aim is to get to know your relationship, to make the environment feel safe for both of you and to agree on specific goals. Afterwards, the sessions shift on to building skills, having more in-depth conversations and working towards repairing the relationship. Marina Edelman, LMFT, a marriage and family therapist in Westlake Village who has been trained by Gottman, adopts an active method which provides couples with a plan right from the start so that you don’t have to wonder what comes next.

    Why So Many Couples Wait Too Long to Start Therapy

    According to research carried out by Dr. John Gottman, couples tend to wait several years after difficulties first arise before getting help; by that time, minor issues have generally developed into painful patterns which are more difficult to resolve.

    One reason for the delay is not knowing what to expect; when therapy seems like a mystery, it’s easy to keep putting it off. Here are some common concerns that prevent couples from proceeding:

    • The therapist will support my partner.
    • The fact that we are going to therapy means that our relationship is failing.
    • We’ll simply fight in front of somebody else.
    • Discussing all the issues will make the situation worse.
    • What’s the point then if my partner won’t open up?

    All of these situations can be understood and would be things that a competent couples therapist is capable of dealing with. The decision usually becomes much simpler once you know what takes place in the room.

    Couple sitting together in therapy, looking thoughtful rather than distressed.

    What Happens in Your First Couples Therapy Session

    The main focus of the first session is on orientation, and you won’t be asked to solve any problems immediately.

    Setting the Ground Rules

    Your therapist will tell you how the sessions function, what confidentiality entails, and how they deal with intense conversations. The aim is that the situation should seem safe to both partners right from the beginning.

    Telling Your Story

    Each person is given the opportunity to explain what has been going on, using their own words, without being interrupted. For many couples this simply amounts to a great deal of relief. It might well be the first time in a long time that each of you has been properly heard.

    The therapist will also ask about your history: how you met, what drew you to each other, and what the good times have looked like. This isn’t small talk. Understanding your strengths is just as important as understanding the problems.

    Naming the Goals

    By the end of the first session or two, you and your therapist will start to agree on what you want to work on. That might mean fewer arguments, renewing trust, reconnecting physically, or deciding the future of the relationship.

    At Marina Edelman, LMFT, the first session is active, not passive. Couples leave with direct feedback, a sense of what’s driving their conflict, and a clear plan for what comes next.

    What Happens in Couples Therapy After the First Session

    Once you set goals, therapy usually moves through a few overlapping stages.

    Assessment

    Many therapists, especially those trained in the Gottman Method, spend the first few sessions doing a complete assessment. This can include questionnaires each partner fills out privately and short individual sessions. The assessment helps the therapist see the full picture, including strengths, sore spots, and patterns that might not come up in joint sessions.

    Slowing Down the Conflict Cycle

    Most couples who come to therapy are stuck in a loop. One partner pursues, the other withdraws. Or both partners get defensive within seconds. In this stage, your therapist helps you slow those moments down so you can see the pattern as it happens. Once you can see it, you can start to change it.

    Building New Skills

    This is where couples start practicing new ways of talking to each other. You might learn how to bring up a complaint gently, take a break when you’re overwhelmed, and repair after an argument. Your therapist will coach you through these conversations in session, then give you exercises to practice at home.

    Deeper Healing

    Once the day-to-day conflict calms down, you can work on deeper layers: old hurts, unmet needs, betrayals, or attachment wounds from earlier in life. This is often where the most significant change happens for some couples; that includes affair recovery or working through years of built-up resentment.

    Maintaining Progress

    Toward the end of therapy, sessions often become less frequent. The emphasis shifts to keeping the gains you’ve made and preparing for forthcoming challenges.

    The Approaches Marina Uses: Gottman Method and EFT

    Not all couples therapy looks the same. Marina Edelman, LMFT, draws on two of the most researched and respected approaches in the field.

    The Gottman Method

    The Gottman Method is based on more than four decades of research by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, who studied thousands of couples to learn what separates lasting relationships from those that fall apart. It concentrates on practical skills: managing conflict, building friendship and fondness, and creating shared meaning. Couples often appreciate how concrete it is. You leave sessions knowing exactly what to try next.

    Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

    Emotionally Focused Therapy, developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, looks at the emotions and attachment needs underneath your arguments. The idea is that most fights aren’t really about the dishes or the schedule. They’re about deeper questions, like: Do you have my back? And do I matter to you? EFT helps partners express those needs in a way the other person can actually hear.

    Why Use Both?

    Gottman gives couples tools for the surface-level patterns. EFT helps them understand and heal what’s driving those patterns. Together, they offer both structure and depth, which is why Marina integrates them into her work with couples.

    Couple sitting on a sofa with distance between them, there is a specialty couples therapist in the frame as well.

    What Couples Therapy Is Not

    A few common myths are worth clearing up.

    • It’s not about deciding who’s right. Your therapist’s “client” is the relationship, not either partner.
    • It’s not just venting. A skilled therapist will guide the conversation, interrupt unhelpful patterns, and hold the focus on change.
    • It’s not only for couples in crisis. Many couples come in to strengthen a good relationship, prepare for marriage, or manage a big transition. Marina also offers pre-marriage counseling for couples who want to start on solid ground.
    • It doesn’t guarantee you’ll stay together. Sometimes therapy helps couples realize they want to separate. When that happens, it can help them do it with more clarity and less damage.

    How to Get the Most Out of Couples Therapy

    Couples who see the biggest changes usually have a few things in common:

    1. They come consistently. Weekly sessions, especially early on, help build momentum.
    2. They practice between sessions. The real work happens at home, in the small daily moments.
    3. They continue to be curious. Instead of trying to win, they try to understand.
    4. They’re honest with the therapist. If something isn’t working, saying so helps the therapist adjust.
    5. They’re patient with the process. Patterns that took years to form take some time to change.
      A man and a woman sit on a couch, talking with a clinician who holds a clipboard in a bright living-room therapy session about an affair.

      Signs It Might Be Time to Try Couples Therapy

      You don’t need to wait for a crisis. Consider reaching out if:

      • You keep having the same argument without resolving it.
      • One or both of you has started to shut down or avoid conversations.
      • You feel more like roommates than partners.
      • Trust has been broken through an affair, secrecy, or financial infidelity.
      • You’re facing a big transition, like a new baby, a move, or retirement.
      • You’re starting to wonder whether you want to stay together.

      Marina’s page on the benefits of marriage counseling goes into more detail on what couples typically gain from the process.

      Frequently Asked Questions About Couples Therapy

      How long does couples therapy usually take?

      It varies by couple and by the issues involved. Some couples notice significant change within 8 to 12 sessions, while others with deeper concerns, such as infidelity, work together for several months. Your therapist will check in on progress regularly so you always know where you stand.

      What if my partner doesn’t want to go to couples therapy?

      It’s common for one partner to be more hesitant. Sometimes it helps to frame therapy as a way to make things better for both of you rather than a way to fix one person. You can also start individual therapy on your own, which commonly shifts the relationship dynamic too.

      Will the therapist take sides?

      No. A trained couples therapist works for the relationship, not for either partner. If either of you ever feels the therapist is favoring the other, saying so openly is part of the process.

      Can couples therapy be done online?

      Yes. Research shows that online couples therapy can be just as effective as face-to-face sessions for many couples. Marina offers secure online marriage counseling for couples anywhere in California, which many find easier to fit into busy schedules.

      What if we need faster progress?

      Some couples prefer a more concentrated format. Marina offers intensive couples therapy, which packs several weeks of work into a few focused days. It can be especially helpful after a crisis, like discovering an affair.

      Ready to Take the Initial Step?

      Starting couples therapy can feel like a big step, but it doesn’t have to feel like a jump into the unknown. Knowing what to expect makes it easier to walk in the door and get real value from your time together.

      Marina Edelman, LMFT, offers couples counseling in Westlake Village and online throughout California, with a structured, caring approach built on the Gottman Method and EFT. From your very first session, you’ll have a clear sense of where you are and where you’re headed.

      📞 Call: (818) 851-1293

      📧 Email: marina@marinaedelman.com

      Book an appointment today.

      Marina Edelman, LMFT | Relationship & Marriage Counselor | Westlake Village & Thousand Oaks | Serving California. Founder of TrueMe® Counseling and TrueMe® Method

      About the Author:

      Marina Edelman, LMFT
      Couples Therapist in California

      Marina Edelman is a licensed marriage and family therapist with more than 20 years of experience working with couples and individuals. She founded TrueMe® Counseling, created the TrueMe® Method, and hosts the Marina on Marriage podcast. A former financial analyst, she brings financial therapy into her couples work. She sees clients throughout California.

      Host a podcast? I talk with hosts about AI and modern relationships, the rewrite reflex, and how couples repair in real time. Invite me on your show: Marina Edelman, LMFT

      For more honest conversations about dating, marriage, and the patterns we bring into love, subscribe to Marina on Marriage. If this essay brought someone to mind, share it with them.

      Her writing is informed by:

      • Gottman Method — Research-based tools for navigating conflict and strengthening friendship and intimacy
      • Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) — Insights into attachment injuries, recurring relationship patterns, and emotional safety
      • Attachment-Based Therapy — An understanding of how early relational experiences can shape adult relationships
      • Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) — Strategies for identifying and changing thoughts and behaviors that contribute to disconnection
      • AEDP — A compassionate approach to understanding and processing deeper emotional wounds

      Through her articles, Marina helps readers recognize unhealthy patterns, understand the emotions beneath conflict, and identify practical next steps toward healing. Her content is especially relevant to couples and individuals navigating infidelity, broken trust, recurring arguments, emotional distance, anxiety, premarital concerns, or major relationship transitions.

      Marina also provides in-person counseling in Westlake Village and Thousand Oaks and telehealth services throughout California.

      Other Blogs You Might Like

      Take the first step toward healing and connection, schedule your consultation today.

      Not sure where to start? Let’s talk.

      Schedule a sessionCall Marina

      Resentment in Marriage: Why It Builds and How Couples Can Heal

      Resentment in Marriage: Why It Builds and How Couples Can Heal

      by | Oct 13, 2026 | couples counseling

      You don't have to figure it out alone.

      As a Marriage and Family Therapist with more than 20 years of experience, I help individuals, couples, and families strengthen relationships, heal from betrayal, and navigate anxiety, depression, trauma, parenting, divorce, and life transitions.
      Schedule a session

      Resentment in Marriage: Why It Builds and How Couples Can Heal It

      At first, resentment in a marriage seems like such a small thing. It’s not like your spouse is walking around physically hurting you, nor is he/she taking out the trash and not doing it. The mere fact that resentment exists in a marriage is not, in and of itself, evidence of failure. What is alarming is that resentment can slowly evolve into contempt for the other partner, and that’s a surefire sign of divorce, as the Gottman Institute has shown.

      Here’s the deal: while resentment in your marriage doesn’t necessarily mean you’re DOOMED, it can (and often does) become one of the biggest predictors of divorce, according to research done by the Gottman Institute. When one or both of you feel a need has NOT been met, that resentment can quickly turn to contempt if it remains unspoken for a long time. However, if you can acknowledge the resentment in your marriage, you can enjoy a meaningful conversation and come closer to each other. Marina Edelman, LMFT (Gottman-trained marriage and family therapist in Westlake Village), can help you with this as well. In the meantime, read on to discover what resentment in your marriage looks like, how it differs from normal frustration, what causes resentment in the first place, and more!

      What Resentment in Marriage Actually Is

      Resentment in marriage is unexpressed anger. If one person feels wronged by the other, even slightly, and they never express their feelings or work through the situation, that hurt will eventually be overridden by new hurt. The husband’s unmet need can be hidden under new unmet needs until he feels so upset and frustrated that he throws up his hands in anger and resentment.

      However, what may appear on the surface to be frustration over the dishes can stem from deeper resentment and anger. Typically, someone resentful about doing the dishes is also resentful about managing most of the household work.

      An old couple talking while sitting on a bench in the park. The man is looking at the woman and the woman is looking at the camera.

      Resentment vs. Ordinary Frustration

      The key distinction is duration. A moment of frustration can disappear within hours, or even by the end of the evening. Resentment, on the other hand, is a deep-seated feeling born of circumstances that repeat over and over. Thus, when your spouse is late for dinner for the third time in a week, a bout of temporary frustration may swiftly abate. However, the instant you leap to the conclusion that yes, he’s late again, this always happens, you must be of no value, that’s resentment, with a far-reaching and deep-rooted reaction to have arisen from a single circumstance.

      Why Resentment Builds in Relationships

      Even though most couples don’t intend to keep score, it often happens in the gap between what a couple needs and how they express those needs. A therapist will often identify a few main areas of a couple’s relationship that need work to reduce resentment and build a more positive connection.

      An Uneven Mental Load

      Division of Labor in Relationships. Many couples struggle to divide the labor of daily life. One of the biggest causes of resentment in marriage is the uneven distribution of the invisible work, such as remembering appointments, buying gifts, and filling the dog’s refills. Marina Edelman, LMFT, explores this important relationship topic and discusses common causes of resentment in marriage that can often lead to contempt.

      Needs That Were Never Spoken

      This is a common pattern for people who never, ever ask for what they want because they were raised with the mindset that asking for what you want is selfish. So instead, they tell their partner and hope their partner will pick up on what they are saying. If not, the partner’s silently unmet need usually feels like rejection.

      Unrepaired Hurts

      Every couple fights from time to time, but what’s important is whether you can get back to normal after the fight. If not, if the other person just walks off or changes subject, and you say “fine” without meaning it, this can create a silent barrier between you very quickly.

      Big Life Transitions

      Whether it is a new baby, job loss, a move, or caring for an aging parent, the impact on roles in a relationship can happen quickly. Until the couple can have a negotiation about roles, one person will bear the difference of the change. Marina writes more about this on her life transitions in a relationship page.

      Signs of Resentment in Your Marriage

      Why can’t you see your resentment towards your spouse even though it’s REAL. And the signs it’s there, turnin’ into contempt.

      • You keep a mental tally of who did what, and you are almost always “ahead”
      • Small requests from your partner feel like impositions
      • You bring up old arguments during new ones
      • Sarcasm, eye-rolling, or mocking has crept into everyday conversation
      • You feel relief when your partner leaves the house
      • Physical affection feels like one more thing being asked of you
      • You vent about your spouse to friends more than you talk to your spouse

      Just because several of the above statements ring true doesn’t mean that it’s the end of the road for you and your partner. In fact, it’s usually a signal that something huge has been left unaddressed and needs to be tackled ASAP.

      How Resentment Turns Into Contempt

      Resentment is the soil in which contempt grows; above, we described the ‘Four Horsemen’ of criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt, identified by Dr. John Gottman in his seminal research.

      Contempt is more than anger; it is a sense of superiority over one’s partner, communicated through expressions of disdain, disgust, or even name-calling. Couples who view their relationship through this lens typically report feeling more like roommates who dislike each other than couples struggling with other communication patterns. However, contempt has an opposing force that has been studied and, in many cases, helped couples transition out of a negative pattern and into a more appreciative one. Appreciation is usually a habit that is relatively easy to rebuild, unlike trying to undo decades of resentment.

      Close-up of a woman with eyes closed resting her head on a man's shoulder, conveying tenderness in warm lighting with no resentment in sight.

      How to Let Go of Resentment in Marriage

      Letting go of resentment doesn’t imply ignoring hurtful behavior. Instead, you can address it and put it to rest by discussing the hurt to heal and move on.

      1. Name the Need, Not Just the Complaint

      Rather than saying “You never help,” tell your spouse instead, “I’m exhausted, and I need your help with evening routines.” Instead of an unmanaged complaint, expressing a need for help allows for a managed solution. He refers to this as a ‘gentle start-up’ and can change the mood of a conversation within the first couple sentences.

      2. Pick the Right Moment

      Sometimes it is better than others to have the resentment conversation. Avoid bringing it up at 10 p.m. or in the car. You don’t want to have a resentment conversation with your kids in the room. Ask for time: “I was wondering if we could talk about something that’s been on my mind this weekend?”

      3. Listen for the Story Behind Your Partner’s Behavior

      Recognize the feeling behind your partner’s words. See things from their perspective, then share your own. People soften when they feel that you have understood their position first. Then you can share your perspective.

      4. Repair, Then Renegotiate

      A recognition of wrongdoing, such as “I didn’t realize how much you were carrying and that was unfair of me,” can help repair relationship harm. Coupling this admission with a plan to resolve the situation and to check in later to make sure that the change is working can also be very powerful. Lay out the specific changes, such as who will handle the school for the children, who will plan the weekend meals, and when you will check in with each other to see if the changes are working.

      5. Build a Weekly Check-In

      By having a 20-minute conversation once a week to review what is working and not working in your relationship and to determine each of your needs for the following week, you can keep the small hurts from piling up. These talks are preventive to arguments. Marina’s guide to argument prevention and management offers more structure for these talks.

      6. Regulate Before You Respond

      Waiting 20 minutes and returning to the conversation when you are calm (down-regulated) will help you respond rather than react instantly. Marina’s page on self-regulation in a relationship explains why this works.

      A man and a woman, sitting while facing each other. The man is talking and the woman is drinking from a mug.

      When to Seek Marriage Counseling for Resentment

      Even the hardest issues can be worked through at home and outside of therapy, but there are times when even after the best efforts at discussion, that same argument keeps having the same result i.e. increased resentment or even the same pattern of negative interaction. Certain resentments such as those tied to past betrayals (affairs, financial dishonesty, etc.) require a specialized approach and a trained therapist to manage.

      • You have tried to talk about it, and conversations keep escalating or shutting down
      • Contempt, such as mockery, eye-rolling, or name-calling, is now part of how you speak to each other
      • The resentment is tied to a betrayal, such as an affair or financial infidelity
      • One or both of you has started to quietly check out of the relationship

      What Therapy for Resentment Looks Like With Marina Edelman, LMFT

      Active Structured Approach – Using the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Marina helps slow the conflict cycle, so both partners can hear each other. By identifying the origin of the resentment, the underlying need behind it, and establishing a fair, sustainable arrangement to meet that need, Marina helps couples rebuild their relationship and strengthen their marriage.

      Couples leave sessions with practical tools to use at home, not just insight. For couples who want faster momentum, Marina also offers intensive couples therapy, where several sessions of work happen over a few focused days. Sessions are available in person in Westlake Village and through secure online marriage counseling anywhere in California.

      Frequently Asked Questions About Resentment in Marriage

      Can a marriage recover from long-term resentment?

      Yes. Many couples recover from resentment that has built over years. Recovery usually requires both partners to acknowledge the pattern, repair the specific hurts, and change the habits that created them. A trained couples therapist can make that process faster and less painful.

      Is resentment a sign that I should leave my marriage?

      Not on its own. Resentment signals unmet needs, not necessarily incompatibility. If the resentment comes with abuse, ongoing betrayal, or a partner who refuses to engage at all, that is a different situation and worth exploring with a professional.

      How do I bring up resentment without starting a fight?

      Choose a calm moment, ask for the conversation in advance, and start with how you feel and what you need instead of what your partner did wrong. Keep the focus on one issue at a time rather than listing years of grievances.

      What if my partner is the one who resents me?

      Get curious rather than defensive. Ask what they have been carrying and what would help. Acknowledging their experience, even before you fully agree with it, is often the first real step toward repair.

      How long does couples therapy for resentment take?

      It depends on how long the resentment has been building and whether there are other issues involved. Many couples notice less tension within the first several sessions, with deeper change taking a few months of consistent work.

      Ready to Let Go of Resentment and Reconnect?

      Resentment in marriage is painful, but it is also information. It points directly at what needs to change. You don’t have to sort through years of hurt on your own.

      Marina Edelman, LMFT offers couples counseling in Westlake Village and online throughout California, with a structured, compassionate approach built on the Gottman Method and EFT.

      📞 Call: (818) 851-1293

      📧 Email: marina@marinaedelman.com

      Book an appointment today.

      Marina Edelman, LMFT | Relationship & Marriage Counselor | Westlake Village & Thousand Oaks | Serving California. Founder of TrueMe® Counseling and TrueMe® Method

      About the Author:

      Marina Edelman, LMFT
      Couples Therapist in California

      Marina Edelman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, relationship writer, and founder of TrueMe® Counseling, serving clients in Westlake Village, Thousand Oaks, and throughout California.

      Drawing on more than 20 years of clinical experience, Marina writes practical, research-informed articles about couples therapy, affair recovery, trust, communication, attachment, anxiety, intimacy, and relationship repair. Her articles translate evidence-based therapeutic approaches into clear insights and actionable strategies readers can use to better understand their relationships.

      Her writing is informed by:

      • Gottman Method — Research-based tools for navigating conflict and strengthening friendship and intimacy
      • Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) — Insights into attachment injuries, recurring relationship patterns, and emotional safety
      • Attachment-Based Therapy — An understanding of how early relational experiences can shape adult relationships
      • Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) — Strategies for identifying and changing thoughts and behaviors that contribute to disconnection
      • AEDP — A compassionate approach to understanding and processing deeper emotional wounds

      Through her articles, Marina helps readers recognize unhealthy patterns, understand the emotions beneath conflict, and identify practical next steps toward healing. Her content is especially relevant to couples and individuals navigating infidelity, broken trust, recurring arguments, emotional distance, anxiety, premarital concerns, or major relationship transitions.

      Marina also provides in-person counseling in Westlake Village and Thousand Oaks and telehealth services throughout California.

      Other Blogs You Might Like

      Take the first step toward healing and connection, schedule your consultation today.

      Not sure where to start? Let’s talk.

      Schedule a sessionCall Marina

      Couples Therapy vs. Marriage Counseling: Is There Actually a Difference?

      Couples Therapy vs. Marriage Counseling: Is There Actually a Difference?

      by | Sep 29, 2026 | couples counseling

      You don't have to figure it out alone.

      As a Marriage and Family Therapist with more than 20 years of experience, I help individuals, couples, and families strengthen relationships, heal from betrayal, and navigate anxiety, depression, trauma, parenting, divorce, and life transitions.
      Schedule a session

      What Is Couples Therapy?

      Couples therapy is psychotherapy focused on the relationship between two people.

      You don’t have to be married.

      You don’t have to be engaged.

      And you don’t have to wait until you’re considering a breakup.

      I work with couples who come in because they’re fighting constantly and couples who rarely fight at all.

      Some feel more like roommates.

      Some can’t talk about money without an argument.

      Some are trying to recover after an affair.

      Some love each other very much but have fallen into a pattern where one person keeps pushing for connection and the other keeps pulling away.

      Others tell me:

      “Nothing is terribly wrong. We just don’t feel like us anymore.”

      All of those can be reasons to begin couples therapy.

      The relationship itself becomes an important part of what we’re looking at.

      Not only:

      What’s going on with you?

      or:

      What’s going on with your partner?

      But:

      What keeps happening between the two of you?

      What Is Marriage Counseling?

      Marriage counseling generally refers to relationship counseling for people who are married.

      That’s the most obvious difference.

      But the term doesn’t describe one specific therapeutic method.

      A marriage counselor might work with communication problems, intimacy, parenting disagreements, money conflict, infidelity, resentment, trust, extended family issues, or questions about whether the marriage can continue.

      In everyday use, marriage counseling and couples therapy overlap considerably.

      One therapist may call the service marriage counseling.

      Another may call essentially the same service couples therapy.

      A client might even use both terms during the same conversation.

      So if you’re searching:

      “Do I need marriage counseling or couples therapy?”

      you probably don’t need to spend too much time worrying about the wording.

      I’d spend more time looking at who is providing the therapy and whether they actually specialize in couples.

      Couples Therapy vs. Marriage Counseling: What’s the Difference?

      Here’s the quick version.

      Couples Therapy Marriage Counseling
      Who is it for? Married and unmarried couples Usually married couples
      Do you have to be married? No Typically used to describe work with married partners
      Can it address serious relationship problems? Yes Yes
      Can it address communication problems? Yes Yes
      Can it address infidelity? Yes Yes
      Can it address intimacy concerns? Yes Yes
      Can it help before a relationship is in crisis? Yes Yes
      Is it one specific therapy method? No No
      Who may provide it? Mental health professionals with appropriate training and competence Mental health professionals with appropriate training and competence

      The terminology isn’t the part I’d focus on when choosing someone.

      The therapist’s actual couples experience is.

      Couple sitting on a sofa with distance between them, there is a specialty couples therapist in the frame as well.

      Is Couples Therapy Only for Unmarried Couples?

      No. This is probably the biggest misconception created by the terminology.

      Married couples go to couples therapy all the time.

      Couples therapy can also include people who are dating, engaged, living together, or in other committed relationships.

      Marriage counseling simply uses a narrower word because it specifically references marriage.

      If you’re married and a therapist’s website says couples therapy, that doesn’t mean you’ve found the wrong service.

      Is Marriage Counseling More Serious Than Couples Therapy? No. Sometimes people hear marriage counseling and imagine a couple sitting in an office trying to prevent a divorce.

      Then couples therapy sounds softer. Maybe it’s for communication or learning how to argue better.

      That’s not really how the distinction works.

      Either can involve very serious relationship problems.

      I’ve worked with couples dealing with:

      • Infidelity and betrayal

      • Years of resentment

      • Constant conflict

      • Emotional disconnection

      • Loss of trust

      • Sexual and emotional intimacy concerns

      • Parenting disagreements

      • Money conflict

      • Neurodivergence within the relationship

      • Major life transitions

      • Questions about whether to stay together

      I’ve also worked with couples who came in much earlier.

      They could feel something starting to slip and didn’t want to wait five years to find out where the pattern would lead.

      You don’t need to be at the edge of divorce to qualify for couples therapy.

      What Actually Happens in Couples Therapy?

      This depends heavily on the therapist and the approach they’re using.

      If every session becomes:

      “Tell her she’s wrong.”

      “Tell him what I’ve been saying.”

      “See? This is exactly what she does.”

      we need to get underneath that.

      I want to understand the pattern.

      Let’s say one partner says:

      “You never want to spend time with me.”

      The other immediately answers:

      “That’s ridiculous. We were together all weekend.”

      Now they’re arguing about the evidence.

      How many hours were they together?

      Does grocery shopping count?

      What about Saturday night?

      But underneath that argument may be something much more important.

      One person is saying:

      “I miss you. I don’t feel important to you anymore.”

      The other is hearing:

      “You’re failing as a partner again.”

      So they defend themselves.

      The defense sounds like rejection.

      The hurt partner pushes harder.

      There it is.

      That’s the part we need to work with.

      Couple sitting together in therapy, looking thoughtful rather than distressed.

      What Actually Happens in Couples Therapy?

      This depends heavily on the therapist and the approach they’re using.

      Couples therapy shouldn’t simply be 50 minutes of arguing with a referee in the room.

      If every session becomes:

      “Tell her she’s wrong.”

      “Tell him what I’ve been saying.”

      “See? This is exactly what she does.”

      we need to get underneath that.

      I want to understand the pattern.

      Let’s say one partner says:

      “You never want to spend time with me.”

      The other immediately answers:

      “That’s ridiculous. We were together all weekend.”

      Now they’re arguing about the evidence.

      How many hours were they together?

      Does grocery shopping count?

      What about Saturday night?

      But underneath that argument may be something much more important.

      One person is saying:

      “I miss you. I don’t feel important to you anymore.”

      The other is hearing:

      “You’re failing as a partner again.”

      So they defend themselves.

      The defense sounds like rejection.

      The hurt partner pushes harder.

      There it is.

      That’s the part we need to work with.

      Is a Marriage Counselor the Same as a Marriage and Family Therapist?

      Not necessarily.

      This distinction matters more than the difference between the phrases marriage counseling and couples therapy.

      Marriage counseling describes a service.

      Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, or LMFT, is a professional license.

      They’re not interchangeable terms.

      An LMFT is a licensed mental health professional with graduate education and supervised clinical training that includes relationships and family systems.

      Other appropriately trained mental health professionals may also provide couples or marriage counseling within their scope and competence.

      So don’t assume someone is an LMFT simply because their website says they provide marriage counseling.

      Look at the letters after their name.

      Then keep looking.

      Because the letters aren’t enough either.

      Does Every LMFT Specialize in Couples Therapy?

      No.

      This surprises people.

      You might reasonably think:

      “Marriage and Family Therapist. Obviously they do marriage therapy.”

      Maybe.

      An LMFT can spend most of their practice working with individuals.

      Someone else may spend decades specializing in couples.

      Both can hold the same license.

      That’s why I recommend asking a therapist directly:

      How much of your practice is couples work?

      What kinds of relationship problems do you treat most often?

      What couples therapy training have you completed?

      What approach do you use with couples?

      If you’re recovering from an affair, ask whether they regularly work with infidelity.

      If you’re a neurodivergent couple, ask whether they understand ADHD or autism in relationships.

      If you’ve stopped having sex and can’t talk about it without someone shutting down, say that.

      Don’t ask whether they “work with relationship issues.”

      Tell them the actual issue.

      What Methods Are Used in Couples Therapy?

      There isn’t one universal couples therapy method.

      Two couples therapists can conduct sessions very differently.

      Two established approaches you may encounter are:

      The Gottman Method

      The Gottman Method draws from decades of research on couples and focuses on areas including friendship, conflict management, intimacy, communication, and shared meaning.

      I’m Level 3 trained in the Gottman Method, and I use elements of this work with couples when appropriate.

      Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

      Emotionally Focused Therapy looks closely at attachment, emotional responses, and the interactional patterns couples become stuck in.

      That might be the partner who pursues harder every time they feel disconnected while the other withdraws further because the intensity feels overwhelming.

      Neither person necessarily woke up intending to create that cycle.

      But once it becomes established, they can repeat it for years.

      The specific method matters less than finding a clinician who’s properly trained to use it and understands the problem you’re bringing into therapy.

      Should We Go to Therapy Before We Get Married?

      You can.

      Couples therapy isn’t reserved for relationships that need to be repaired.

      Premarital counseling can give couples a place to talk about things that are surprisingly easy to postpone when you’re planning a wedding.

      Money.

      Sex.

      Children.

      Religion.

      Family boundaries.

      Careers.

      Where you’ll live.

      How you’ll handle conflict.

      What marriage means to each of you.

      You can love each other deeply and still have completely different assumptions about those things.

      Finding that out before the wedding isn’t pessimistic.

      It gives you something real to talk about.

      What If Only One of Us Wants Couples Therapy?

      This is common.

      One person has usually been thinking about therapy longer than the other.

      Sometimes much longer.

      By the time they finally say:

      “I think we need help,”

      their partner hears:

      “Our marriage is failing.”

      Or:

      “You’ve already decided I’m the problem.”

      Or even:

      “You’re preparing to leave me.”

      If your partner is hesitant, try being specific about why you want to go.

      Instead of:

      “We need therapy.”

      you might say:

      “I don’t want us to keep having the same fight and getting further apart. I want help figuring out how to do this differently.”

      Your partner still gets to decide whether they’re willing to participate.

      A man and a woman sit on a couch, talking with a clinician who holds a clipboard in a bright living-room therapy session about an affair.

      When Should a Couple Consider Therapy?

      You don’t need a dramatic event.

      I’d pay attention when you notice that the two of you keep trying to solve something and can’t.

      Maybe you’re having the same argument in different forms.

      Maybe you’ve stopped bringing things up because talking doesn’t seem worth it anymore.

      Maybe affection has disappeared.

      Maybe you’re keeping score.

      Maybe you’re starting to feel lonely while sitting next to the person you married.

      Maybe trust was broken.

      Or maybe nothing is obviously wrong, but the relationship has started feeling strangely flat.

      You don’t have to wait until someone wants out.

      What If We’re Trying to Recover From an Affair?

      Then I’d be particularly careful about choosing someone with actual affair-recovery experience.

      Infidelity work can become chaotic quickly.

      One partner may need answers.

      The other may be ashamed, defensive, or desperate to stop talking about what happened.

      The betrayed partner asks another question.

      The partner who had the affair says:

      “I’ve already answered that.”

      Now they’re fighting about the questions instead of dealing with the betrayal underneath them.

      Affair recovery involves more than improving communication.

      There may be questions about disclosure, boundaries, accountability, remorse, trust, outside contact, intimacy, and whether both people actually want to rebuild.

      That’s specialized couples work.

      Frequently Asked Questions About Couples Therapy and Marriage Counseling

      Is couples therapy the same as marriage counseling?

      The terms often overlap. Both generally describe professional help focused on a couple’s relationship. Marriage counseling usually refers specifically to married couples, while couples therapy can include married and unmarried partners.

      Do you have to be married to go to couples therapy?

      No. Dating, engaged, cohabiting, and married partners can all participate in couples therapy. You don’t need a marriage license to have a relationship worth working on.

      Can couples therapy help after infidelity?

      Couples therapy can help some couples work through the impact of infidelity, but experience matters. Look for a therapist who regularly works with affair recovery, betrayal, accountability, boundaries, and rebuilding trust.

      Can we go to couples therapy even if our relationship isn’t in crisis?

      Yes. Some couples begin therapy because they notice a pattern they don’t want to become permanent. Others use it before marriage or during major transitions such as becoming parents, blending families, relocating, or changing careers.

      How do I choose a couples therapist?

      Look at the therapist’s license, couples-specific training, experience, therapeutic approaches, and familiarity with the issue you’re bringing in. Ask how much of their practice involves couples rather than assuming that every therapist has the same relationship training.

      Looking for Couples Therapy or Marriage Counseling in California?

      You don’t have to decide which search term is technically correct.

      Tell me what’s happening between you.

      Maybe you can’t stop fighting.

      Maybe you’ve stopped fighting because neither of you has the energy anymore.

      Maybe there was an affair.

      Maybe you love each other but don’t feel close.

      Maybe you’re getting married and there are conversations you know you should have before the wedding.

      That’s enough to start.

      Take the First Step

      📞 Call: (818) 851-1293

      📧 Email: marina@marinaedelman.com

      Book an appointment today.

      Marina Edelman, LMFT | Relationship & Marriage Counselor | Westlake Village & Thousand Oaks | Serving California. Founder of TrueMe® Counseling and TrueMe® Method

      About the Author:

      Marina Edelman, LMFT
      Couples Therapist in California

      Marina Edelman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, relationship writer, and founder of TrueMe® Counseling, serving clients in Westlake Village, Thousand Oaks, and throughout California.

      Drawing on more than 20 years of clinical experience, Marina writes practical, research-informed articles about couples therapy, affair recovery, trust, communication, attachment, anxiety, intimacy, and relationship repair. Her articles translate evidence-based therapeutic approaches into clear insights and actionable strategies readers can use to better understand their relationships.

      Her writing is informed by:

      • Gottman Method — Research-based tools for navigating conflict and strengthening friendship and intimacy
      • Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) — Insights into attachment injuries, recurring relationship patterns, and emotional safety
      • Attachment-Based Therapy — An understanding of how early relational experiences can shape adult relationships
      • Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) — Strategies for identifying and changing thoughts and behaviors that contribute to disconnection
      • AEDP — A compassionate approach to understanding and processing deeper emotional wounds

      Through her articles, Marina helps readers recognize unhealthy patterns, understand the emotions beneath conflict, and identify practical next steps toward healing. Her content is especially relevant to couples and individuals navigating infidelity, broken trust, recurring arguments, emotional distance, anxiety, premarital concerns, or major relationship transitions.

      Marina also provides in-person counseling in Westlake Village and Thousand Oaks and telehealth services throughout California.

      Other Blogs You Might Like

      Take the first step toward healing and connection, schedule your consultation today.

      Not sure where to start? Let’s talk.

      Schedule a sessionCall Marina

      Blame Shifting: 5 Ways to Respond Instead of Defending Yourself

      Blame Shifting: 5 Ways to Respond Instead of Defending Yourself

      by | Sep 15, 2026 | couples counseling

      You don't have to figure it out alone.

      As a Marriage and Family Therapist with more than 20 years of experience, I help individuals, couples, and families strengthen relationships, heal from betrayal, and navigate anxiety, depression, trauma, parenting, divorce, and life transitions.
      Schedule a session

      Blame shifting: Why Do You End Up Defending Yourself When They’re the One Who Hurt You?

      Because somewhere in the middle of the conversation, the subject quietly changes. You bring up something they did. Twenty minutes later, you’re explaining your tone instead. Then you’re defending something you said last week that had nothing to do with this. Then you’re apologizing for getting upset in the first place. And the thing you actually wanted to talk about — the reason you started the conversation at all — never actually gets addressed.

      If this happens often enough, you can get remarkably good at defending yourself. You start remembering exact conversations, word for word, just in case. You explain what you really meant before anyone even asks. You try to prove you weren’t attacking anyone. You soften your words before they’ve even left your mouth, pre-editing yourself out of habit.

      Eventually, a lot of people start apologizing simply because it feels like the fastest exit out of the argument — not because they actually did something wrong.

      I’ve worked with people who don’t even notice they’re doing this anymore. Their partner gets upset, and the automatic response fires off before they’ve thought about it: “okay, okay, I’m sorry.” When we slow that moment down together, I’ll sometimes just ask, “what exactly are you apologizing for?” And more often than you’d think, they don’t actually know. They just know the other person is angry, and some part of them learned a long time ago that the anger needs to be defused fast.

      That distinction matters more than it sounds like it should. Taking accountability for something you actually did is healthy — that’s how relationships stay honest. Taking responsibility just because someone else is upset with you is a completely different thing, even though in the moment it can feel identical.

      If blame shifting has become the pattern in your relationship, one of the first things worth learning probably isn’t a better way to explain yourself. It’s learning how to stop defending yourself long enough to actually figure out what’s yours to own — and what was never yours to begin with.

      Man with dreadlocks in a brown sweater sits close to the camera, hands on his face, looking distressed.

      How Do You Respond When Blame Shifting is Happening?

      1. Go Back to the Original Issue

      This sounds simple.

      It isn’t.

      Blame shifting works partly because it pulls you somewhere else.

      You say:

      “You told me you’d be home at eight and didn’t come home until midnight.”

      They respond:

      “You’re late all the time.”

      And off you go.

      Now you’re arguing about whether you were 20 minutes late to dinner three Thursdays ago.

      Try not to follow them there.

      You can say:

      “We can talk about my being late too. Right now, I’m asking about what happened last night.”

      Or:

      “That may be something we need to discuss, but it doesn’t answer what I’m asking you.”

      You don’t have to prove their complaint is ridiculous.

      Maybe their complaint is completely legitimate.

      It can still wait its turn.

      That’s something couples struggle with: the idea that acknowledging one person’s hurt somehow means the other person’s concerns don’t matter.

      It doesn’t.

      There can be two problems.

      You just don’t have to solve both of them in the same sentence.

      2. Ask Yourself, “What Part of This Is Actually Mine?”

      Before you apologize, slow down.

      What did you actually do?

      Not what are they angry about.

      Not what would make the argument end.

      What is yours?

      Maybe you brought up a legitimate concern, but you yelled.

      Okay.

      The yelling is yours.

      Own it.

      “I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I’m sorry for that.”

      And then stop.

      You don’t have to continue:

      “And I guess this whole thing is really my fault.”

      You can say:

      “I shouldn’t have yelled. That’s mine. But I still want to talk about why you lied to me.”

      Both things fit in the same conversation.

      This is one of the most important distinctions I work on with people who have gotten used to taking too much responsibility:

      Owning your behavior does not require you to own someone else’s.

      You can regret your reaction without becoming responsible for the thing you were reacting to.

      3. Stop Trying to Prove You’re a Good Person

      This one can be difficult to notice.

      Your partner says:

      “You’re selfish.”

      Now you’re no longer talking about what happened.

      You’re building a defense against the word selfish.

      You remind them of everything you’ve done for them. You explain what you meant. You point out all the times you compromised.

      And maybe you aren’t selfish.

      But do you actually need to litigate your entire character right now?

      Try bringing the conversation back to behavior.

      “I’m willing to talk about something specific I did. I’m not going to argue about whether I’m a selfish person.”

      That’s a very different conversation.

      Specific behavior can be discussed.

      “You didn’t call me when you said you would.”

      Okay. We can work with that.

      “You’re a terrible partner who only thinks about yourself.”

      Where exactly are you supposed to go with that?

      Healthy conflict needs something concrete enough to repair.

      The more an argument becomes about who you are, the harder it becomes to talk about what either of you actually did.

      4. Don’t Apologize Just to Make the Argument Stop

      Sometimes “I’m sorry” doesn’t mean I’m sorry.

      It means:

      Please stop being mad at me.

      Can we just end this?

      I don’t have the energy anymore.

      Fine. You win.

      I’ve seen people become automatic apologizers in relationships where conflict feels exhausting.

      It’s understandable.

      Sometimes apologizing works.

      The argument ends.

      You get some peace.

      But there’s a cost.

      If you repeatedly accept responsibility for things you don’t actually believe are yours, you may start losing track of your own position.

      Then resentment builds.

      Because outwardly you’re saying:

      “I’m sorry.”

      Internally you’re thinking:

      Why am I always the one apologizing?

      Before apologizing, ask yourself:

      What exactly am I sorry for?

      If you have an answer, say it specifically.

      “I’m sorry I interrupted you.”

      “I’m sorry I called you that.”

      “I’m sorry I forgot.”

      Specific apologies are useful because they have edges. You know what you’re taking responsibility for.

      “I’m sorry for everything” doesn’t.

      And if you can’t identify what you’re actually apologizing for, you may need to wait before saying it.

      5. Watch What Happens When You Don’t Take the Blame Shifting

      This may tell you more than anything else.

      You don’t counterattack.

      You don’t yell.

      You don’t spend 45 minutes defending yourself.

      You simply say:

      “I can own my part. I’m not taking responsibility for that part.”

      What happens?

      Can your partner stay in the conversation?

      Can they eventually look at their own behavior?

      Can they say:

      “Okay. You’re right. I did do that.”

      Or does the pressure increase?

      Do they become angrier until you give in?

      Do they bring up more things you’ve done?

      Do they punish you for not accepting their version?

      Do they shut down completely?

      Pay attention.

      Because at some point, this stops being a communication-technique problem.

      You can learn all the perfect phrases in the world. You can speak calmly. You can use “I” statements. You can choose exactly the right time.

      None of those things can make another adult take accountability if they’re committed to avoiding it.

      Couple in conflict in the middle of their kitchen.

      What Should You Say in the Moment?

      You don’t need a speech.

      In fact, the more you explain, the easier it can be to end up right back where you started.

      Try shorter responses:

      “We can talk about that next. I want to finish this issue first.”

      “I hear that you’re angry. I’m still asking about what happened.”

      “I’ll take responsibility for my tone. I won’t take responsibility for your decision.”

      “That’s a separate issue. I’m willing to discuss it, but not instead of this one.”

      “I’m not going to argue about whether I’m a bad person. Tell me specifically what behavior you want to discuss.”

      Or sometimes:

      “We’re going in circles. I’m going to stop this conversation for now.”

      You don’t need to win.

      You’re trying to stop participating in a conversation where responsibility keeps getting moved around until it lands entirely on you.

      What If You Really Did Contribute to the Problem?

      Then own it.

      This isn’t about teaching yourself that nothing is ever your fault.

      That would just be blame shifting in the opposite direction.

      Maybe you were dismissive.

      Maybe you haven’t been listening.

      Maybe you broke a promise too.

      Maybe the way you brought something up really was hurtful.

      Take that part seriously.

      The goal is to become more accurate about responsibility, not less accountable.

      Think of it this way:

      Mine. Yours. Ours.

      Some things are mine.

      “I yelled.”

      Some things are yours.

      “You lied.”

      And some things belong to the relationship.

      “We’ve been avoiding difficult conversations for months.”

      Those categories can exist at the same time.

      Healthy couples can eventually sort them out without requiring one person to carry all three.

      Why Is It So Hard to Stop Taking the Blame?

      Because for some people, taking responsibility became a way of keeping relationships safe long before their current partner came along.

      Maybe you learned that apologizing calmed people down.

      Maybe conflict growing up felt dangerous.

      Maybe you became very good at reading everybody else’s mood.

      Maybe being the “easy one” got rewarded.

      Maybe you’re uncomfortable knowing someone is upset with you, even when you haven’t done anything wrong.

      So when your partner says:

      “This is your fault.”

      Your first thought isn’t:

      Is it?

      It’s:

      How do I fix this?

      That’s the part worth slowing down.

      Not every uncomfortable feeling needs to be fixed.

      Someone being disappointed with you doesn’t automatically mean you failed them.

      Someone being angry doesn’t automatically make you wrong.

      And someone blame shifting on you doesn’t make the blame yours.

      What If Setting This Boundary Makes the Arguments Worse?

      It might, at least initially.

      If you’ve spent years quickly explaining, apologizing, or taking responsibility, changing your response changes the pattern.

      That doesn’t automatically mean your new boundary is wrong.

      But there is an important exception.

      If disagreeing with your partner leads to intimidation, threats, coercive control, destruction of property, physical violence, fear for your safety, or retaliation, I would not recommend treating this simply as a communication exercise.

      The priority there isn’t learning the perfect response to blame shifting.

      It’s getting appropriate individual support and thinking about safety.

      Couples therapy isn’t automatically appropriate when one partner is afraid of what happens when they disagree.

      Stress Management | Marina Edelman, LMFT

      If you’re used to taking the blame, your first instinct may be to read an article like this and think:

      Okay. What exactly am I supposed to say next time?

      The words matter less than the pause.

      Before defending yourself.

      Before explaining.

      Before apologizing.

      Ask:

      What is actually mine here?

      Then take responsibility for that.

      No more.

      No less.

      You don’t have to become defensive to stop taking too much blame. And you don’t have to decide that everything is someone else’s fault.

      You just need to get better at separating:

      This part is mine.

      That part isn’t.

      That sounds simple when you’re reading it calmly.

      It’s considerably harder when someone you love is angry with you.

      But that’s the work.

      Not becoming impossible to blame.

      Becoming harder to convince that everything is your fault.

      Frequently Asked Questions

      1. What is the best way to respond to blame shifting?

      Try to stay with the original issue rather than defending yourself against every new accusation. A response such as, “I’m willing to talk about that too, but I’d like to finish this issue first,” can help keep the conversation focused.

      2. Should I apologize when someone is blame shifting?

      Apologize for behavior you genuinely believe was yours to own. Try to make the apology specific. You can apologize for yelling, for example, without accepting responsibility for another person’s decision to lie.

      3. Why do I automatically assume everything is my fault?

      Some people become accustomed to taking responsibility because it reduces conflict or because they learned earlier in life to manage other people’s emotions. Therapy can help you understand why this response became automatic and develop a more accurate sense of what belongs to you.

      4. Is blame shifting the same as gaslighting?

      No. Blame shifting moves responsibility from one person to another. Gaslighting involves undermining someone’s confidence in their perception, memory, or understanding of events. The two patterns can overlap, but they aren’t interchangeable terms.

      5. Can a relationship improve if my partner constantly shifts blame?

      It depends partly on whether both people can eventually recognize and change the pattern. Occasional defensiveness is human. A relationship has a much harder time repairing conflict when one partner consistently refuses responsibility and every attempt to address it ends with the other person taking the blame.

      You Can Take Responsibility Without Taking All of It

      If every difficult conversation ends with you apologizing, explaining yourself, or wondering whether everything really is your fault, it may be time to look at the pattern rather than the latest argument.

      Therapy can help you become clearer about what belongs to you, communicate boundaries without immediately backing away from them, and recognize when healthy accountability has turned into carrying responsibility for another person’s choices.

      At TrueMe® Counseling, we work with individuals and couples navigating blame shifting, recurring conflict, communication problems, boundaries, and relationship patterns that can leave one person feeling responsible for everything.

      That’s something we can work on.

      Take the First Step

      📞 Call: (818) 851-1293

      📧 Email: marina@marinaedelman.com

      Book an appointment today.

      Marina Edelman, LMFT | Relationship & Marriage Counselor | Westlake Village & Thousand Oaks | Serving California. Founder of TrueMe® Counseling and TrueMe® Method

      About the Author:

      Marina Edelman, LMFT
      Couples Therapist in California

      Marina Edelman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, relationship writer, and founder of TrueMe® Counseling, serving clients in Westlake Village, Thousand Oaks, and throughout California.

      Drawing on more than 20 years of clinical experience, Marina writes practical, research-informed articles about couples therapy, affair recovery, trust, communication, attachment, anxiety, intimacy, and relationship repair. Her articles translate evidence-based therapeutic approaches into clear insights and actionable strategies readers can use to better understand their relationships.

      Her writing is informed by:

      • Gottman Method — Research-based tools for navigating conflict and strengthening friendship and intimacy
      • Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) — Insights into attachment injuries, recurring relationship patterns, and emotional safety
      • Attachment-Based Therapy — An understanding of how early relational experiences can shape adult relationships
      • Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) — Strategies for identifying and changing thoughts and behaviors that contribute to disconnection
      • AEDP — A compassionate approach to understanding and processing deeper emotional wounds

      Through her articles, Marina helps readers recognize unhealthy patterns, understand the emotions beneath conflict, and identify practical next steps toward healing. Her content is especially relevant to couples and individuals navigating infidelity, broken trust, recurring arguments, emotional distance, anxiety, premarital concerns, or major relationship transitions.

      Marina also provides in-person counseling in Westlake Village and Thousand Oaks and telehealth services throughout California.

      Other Blogs You Might Like

      Take the first step toward healing and connection, schedule your consultation today.

      Not sure where to start? Let’s talk.

      Schedule a sessionCall Marina

      Top 10 Neurodivergent Couples Therapists in California

      Top 10 Neurodivergent Couples Therapists in California

      by | Sep 10, 2026 | couples counseling

      You don't have to figure it out alone.

      As a Marriage and Family Therapist with more than 20 years of experience, I help individuals, couples, and families strengthen relationships, heal from betrayal, and navigate anxiety, depression, trauma, parenting, divorce, and life transitions.
      Schedule a session

      10 Therapists and Practices Specializing in Neurodivergent Couples

      Finding a couples therapist is already hard.

      Finding one who understands what happens when ADHD, autism, AuDHD, sensory differences, executive functioning, or different communication styles are part of the relationship can be harder.

      I’ve worked with couples for more than 20 years, and one thing I’ve learned is that the same relationship advice doesn’t work equally well for every couple.

      Take something as simple as:

      “Just sit down and talk about it.”

      Okay. But what happens when one partner needs time to process before answering and the other experiences that silence as rejection?

      What if one person needs direct communication while the other expects their partner to pick up on tone or context?

      What if a forgotten household task is being interpreted as “You don’t care about me” when executive functioning is part of what’s happening?

      Or one partner needs physical space during conflict while the other becomes more anxious the farther away they get?

      That’s why finding the right therapist matters.

      If you’re looking for someone who works specifically with neurodivergent relationships, here are 10 therapists and practices worth exploring.

      They are not ranked.

      Different therapists have different training, approaches, locations, and areas of focus. The right choice depends on the couple.

      Couple sitting together in therapy, looking thoughtful rather than distressed.

      Marina Edelman, LMFT

      Westlake Village & Thousand Oaks, California | Telehealth throughout California

      Marina Edelman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who has worked with couples for more than 20 years. Her work includes neurodivergent couples navigating communication differences, recurring conflict, emotional disconnection, intimacy, trust, and the misunderstandings that can develop when two people experience and process the relationship differently.

      Marina is Level 3 trained in the Gottman Method and works with couples where ADHD, autism, or other forms of neurodivergence may be part of the relationship dynamic.

      One of the things I pay particular attention to in my work with neurodivergent couples is what each partner thinks the other’s behavior means.

      A forgotten task becomes:

      “You don’t care about me.”

      Needing time alone after an argument becomes:

      “You’re shutting me out.”

      Wanting an exact answer becomes:

      “Why are you interrogating me?”

      Being less expressive becomes:

      “You don’t have any feelings about this.”

      After enough of these moments, couples can spend years arguing about each other’s intentions instead of understanding what’s actually happening between them.

      The goal isn’t to make the neurodivergent partner behave more like the neurotypical partner. It also isn’t to use neurodivergence as an explanation for every relationship problem.

      The work is figuring out what belongs to neurodivergence, what belongs to the relationship, and what the two of you can actually do differently.

      Marina also works with couples experiencing infidelity and trust issues, communication and conflict problems, and other relationship concerns that may overlap with neurodivergence.

      Areas of focus include:

      • Neurodivergent couples
      • ADHD and relationships
      • Autism and relationships
      • Communication and recurring conflict
      • Emotional disconnection
      • Infidelity and trust recovery
      • Intimacy and relationship concerns
      • Gottman-informed couples therapy

      Learn more: Neurodivergent Couples Therapy with Marina Edelman

      Lauren Goebel, LMFT

      California

      Lauren Goebel is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist whose work includes neurodivergent individuals and couples.

      Her professional profiles specifically discuss working with ADHD and autistic relationships and describe a neuroaffirming approach alongside couples modalities including Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy.

      For couples who want both a neurodivergence-informed perspective and established couples-therapy approaches, her work may be worth exploring.

      Harry Motro, PsyD, LMFT

      San Jose, California

      Harry Motro works with couples and has specifically identified neurodiverse couples, ADHD, and autism among his areas of focus.

      His practice is particularly relevant to this list because neurodiversity isn’t simply mentioned as one item within a long list of concerns. His professional positioning directly addresses relationships in which neurological differences affect the couple.

      Robin Greenblat, LMFT

      California

      Robin Greenblat works with neurodivergent individuals and relationships, including concerns involving autism and ADHD.

      Her professional profile includes neurodiverse therapy and relationship work, making her another California provider worth researching when neurological differences are playing a significant role in a couple’s communication or connection.

      Mary Potenti, LMFT, ASDCS, ATR

      Mary Potenti’s professional materials describe extensive work with autism and neurodiverse relationships.

      Her background includes specialized work with neurodivergent clients and couples, and her professional listings describe more than 15 years of experience in this area.

      A person talking with a therapist.

      Lida Far, PhD, LPC, CST

      Lida Far’s professional background brings together several areas that can matter in neurodivergent relationships.

      Her listed credentials and training include work as a Certified Sex Therapist, Gottman Method training, and training focused on neurodiverse couples.

      That combination may be particularly relevant for couples whose concerns aren’t limited to communication but also involve intimacy or sexuality.

      Jodie Yorg, LCPC

      Illinois / Online services where permitted

      Jodie Yorg works with couples where one or both partners may be autistic, have ADHD, or otherwise identify as neurodivergent.

      Her professional materials describe a neuroaffirming approach rather than treating neurodivergence itself as something that needs to be “fixed.”

      Therapy House

      Pacific Northwest

      Therapy House includes work with ADHD, autism, AuDHD, and neurodivergent relationships among its services.

      Couples interested in a group practice should review individual clinician profiles because therapists within the same practice may have different levels of training and experience with neurodivergence and couples therapy.

      Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center

      The Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center focuses specifically on relationships affected by neurological differences.

      Its services address neurodiverse couples, including relationships involving autism, ADHD, and AuDHD.

      A specialized practice may be worth considering for couples who have previously tried traditional couples therapy and felt that an important part of their relationship was being misunderstood.

      The Relationship Center

      Virginia

      The Relationship Center includes neurodivergent couples among its relationship specialties.

      Its broader work also includes concerns such as intimacy, sexuality, relationship conflict, and infidelity.

      That overlap matters because neurodivergent couples don’t only come to therapy to talk about neurodivergence.

      They have the same complicated relationship problems other couples have. Neurodivergence may affect how those problems develop and how partners respond to them, but it isn’t necessarily the entire story.

      Therapist with clipboard taking notes while a couple on a sofa talk and laugh together in a bright living room.

      Another Resource: AANE’s Neurodiverse Couples Institute

      If you’re looking for a therapist specifically trained in working with neurodiverse couples, another resource worth knowing about is the Association for Autism and Neurodiversity (AANE).

      AANE provides professional education related to neurodiverse couples and maintains information about professionals who have completed its specialized training.

      This can be a useful starting point if you’re searching outside the locations represented in this article.

      How Do You Choose a Therapist for a Neurodivergent Relationship?

      Don’t choose based on the word neurodivergent appearing somewhere on a website.

      Ask questions.

      How much of your work is actually with couples?

      That’s important. Being knowledgeable about ADHD or autism doesn’t automatically make someone experienced in couples therapy.

      Then ask the reverse:

      What experience do you have working with neurodivergent adults and relationships?

      A therapist can be excellent at traditional couples therapy and still miss what’s happening when executive functioning, sensory needs, processing differences, masking, or different communication styles are affecting the relationship.

      I would also want to know:

      • How does the therapist approach conflict between neurodivergent partners?
      • Do they work with ADHD, autism, or AuDHD specifically?
      • Is their approach neuroaffirming?
      • What couples-therapy training do they have?
      • How do they approach intimacy and sexual concerns?
      • Do they understand executive-function differences?
      • How do they handle situations where one partner has a diagnosis and the other doesn’t?
      • Are they licensed to provide therapy where you live?

      And pay attention to how you both feel in the room.

      Neither person should repeatedly leave therapy feeling like:

      “The therapist thinks I’m the problem.”

      Neurodivergence Isn’t Automatically the Problem in the Relationship

      This is something I think couples need to hear.

      An ADHD diagnosis doesn’t explain every forgotten promise.

      Autism doesn’t explain every conflict.

      Being neurotypical doesn’t automatically make someone’s communication healthier.

      And neurodivergence shouldn’t become a convenient explanation for behavior that genuinely needs accountability.

      Sometimes the problem isn’t:

      “My partner has ADHD.”

      It’s:

      “We have completely different ways of managing responsibilities, and we’ve never figured out a system that works for both of us.”

      Or it isn’t:

      “My partner is autistic and doesn’t care about my feelings.”

      It may be:

      “We communicate emotion very differently, and both of us keep misreading what the other person means.”

      That’s a very different conversation.

      A therapist who understands both relationships and neurodivergence can help separate those pieces.

      What If Only One Partner Is Neurodivergent?

      That’s common.

      And one of the traps couples can fall into is making the diagnosed partner the identified problem.

      Now every argument becomes about ADHD.

      Or autism.

      Or executive functioning.

      That isn’t particularly helpful.

      Both partners bring their own history, expectations, attachment patterns, communication habits, sensitivities, strengths, and vulnerabilities into a relationship.

      The goal isn’t:

      How do we make the neurodivergent partner behave more like the neurotypical partner?

      It’s:

      How do these two people build a relationship that works for both of their brains?

      Sometimes that means becoming much more direct.

      Sometimes it means changing how household responsibilities are organized.

      Maybe difficult conversations need more processing time.

      Maybe sensory needs need to become part of conversations about intimacy.

      Maybe the couple has spent years fighting about intention when they actually need to talk about impact.

      There isn’t one neurodivergent relationship.

      There are two people trying to figure each other out.

      Final Thoughts

      Finding the right couples therapist is personal.

      Finding one who understands neurodivergence can take a little more searching.

      Don’t be afraid to interview therapists before committing.

      Ask about their training.

      Ask how often they work with neurodivergent couples.

      Ask what they actually do when ADHD, autism, AuDHD, executive-function differences, sensory needs, communication differences, intimacy, and relationship conflict start overlapping.

      And remember that a therapist can have impressive credentials and still not be the right therapist for the two of you.

      This list isn’t intended to tell you who’s “best.”

      There isn’t a meaningful way to rank therapists that way.

      It’s meant to give couples a place to start.

      Frequently Asked Questions

      What is neurodivergent couples therapy?

      Neurodivergent couples therapy takes neurological differences such as ADHD, autism, or AuDHD into account when working with relationship concerns. The goal isn’t to eliminate neurodivergence but to understand how differences in communication, executive functioning, emotional processing, sensory experiences, and other areas may affect the relationship.

      Should a neurodivergent couples therapist understand both ADHD or autism and couples therapy?

      Ideally, look for relevant experience in both areas. Knowledge of neurodivergence and skill in treating relationship dynamics are not necessarily the same thing, so it’s reasonable to ask a prospective therapist about both.

      Can couples therapy help when one partner has ADHD?

      It can. Therapy may address recurring issues involving responsibilities, communication, follow-through, emotional reactions, intimacy, and the meanings partners have attached to these patterns.

      What if we tried couples therapy before and it didn’t work?

      A previous experience with therapy doesn’t necessarily mean couples therapy can’t help. Sometimes the therapeutic approach wasn’t a good fit. If neurodivergence was overlooked or misunderstood, working with someone who has relevant experience may provide a different framework for understanding the relationship.

      Does neurodivergent couples therapy try to change the neurodivergent partner?

      A neuroaffirming approach shouldn’t treat the neurodivergent partner as the person who simply needs to become more neurotypical. Couples therapy should help both partners understand their differences, take responsibility where appropriate, and develop ways of relating that work better for both people.

      Looking for Neurodivergent Couples Therapy in California?

      I work with couples dealing with communication, conflict, emotional disconnection, trust, intimacy, and the complicated patterns that can develop when two people experience the relationship very differently.

      For neurodivergent couples, I don’t believe the goal is to decide which person’s way of communicating is “normal.”

      The work is understanding what each person is actually experiencing—and finding a way for the two of you to stop missing each other.

      That’s something we can work on.

      Take the First Step

      📞 Call: (818) 851-1293

      📧 Email: marina@marinaedelman.com

      Book an appointment today.

      Marina Edelman, LMFT | Relationship & Marriage Counselor | Westlake Village & Thousand Oaks | Serving California. Founder of TrueMe® Counseling and TrueMe® Method

      About the Author:

      Marina Edelman, LMFT
      Couples Therapist in California

      Marina Edelman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, relationship writer, and founder of TrueMe® Counseling, serving clients in Westlake Village, Thousand Oaks, and throughout California.

      Drawing on more than 20 years of clinical experience, Marina writes practical, research-informed articles about couples therapy, affair recovery, trust, communication, attachment, anxiety, intimacy, and relationship repair. Her articles translate evidence-based therapeutic approaches into clear insights and actionable strategies readers can use to better understand their relationships.

      Her writing is informed by:

      • Gottman Method — Research-based tools for navigating conflict and strengthening friendship and intimacy
      • Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) — Insights into attachment injuries, recurring relationship patterns, and emotional safety
      • Attachment-Based Therapy — An understanding of how early relational experiences can shape adult relationships
      • Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) — Strategies for identifying and changing thoughts and behaviors that contribute to disconnection
      • AEDP — A compassionate approach to understanding and processing deeper emotional wounds

      Through her articles, Marina helps readers recognize unhealthy patterns, understand the emotions beneath conflict, and identify practical next steps toward healing. Her content is especially relevant to couples and individuals navigating infidelity, broken trust, recurring arguments, emotional distance, anxiety, premarital concerns, or major relationship transitions.

      Marina also provides in-person counseling in Westlake Village and Thousand Oaks and telehealth services throughout California.

      Other Blogs You Might Like

      Take the first step toward healing and connection, schedule your consultation today.

      Not sure where to start? Let’s talk.

      Schedule a sessionCall Marina