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As a Marriage and Family Therapist with more than 20 years of experience, I help individuals, couples, and families strengthen relationships, heal from betrayal, and navigate anxiety, depression, trauma, parenting, divorce, and life transitions. Schedule a sessionResentment in Marriage: Why It Builds and How Couples Can Heal It
At first, resentment in a marriage seems like such a small thing. It’s not like your spouse is walking around physically hurting you, nor is he/she taking out the trash and not doing it. The mere fact that resentment exists in a marriage is not, in and of itself, evidence of failure. What is alarming is that resentment can slowly evolve into contempt for the other partner, and that’s a surefire sign of divorce, as the Gottman Institute has shown.
Here’s the deal: while resentment in your marriage doesn’t necessarily mean you’re DOOMED, it can (and often does) become one of the biggest predictors of divorce, according to research done by the Gottman Institute. When one or both of you feel a need has NOT been met, that resentment can quickly turn to contempt if it remains unspoken for a long time. However, if you can acknowledge the resentment in your marriage, you can enjoy a meaningful conversation and come closer to each other. Marina Edelman, LMFT (Gottman-trained marriage and family therapist in Westlake Village), can help you with this as well. In the meantime, read on to discover what resentment in your marriage looks like, how it differs from normal frustration, what causes resentment in the first place, and more!
What Resentment in Marriage Actually Is
Resentment in marriage is unexpressed anger. If one person feels wronged by the other, even slightly, and they never express their feelings or work through the situation, that hurt will eventually be overridden by new hurt. The husband’s unmet need can be hidden under new unmet needs until he feels so upset and frustrated that he throws up his hands in anger and resentment.
However, what may appear on the surface to be frustration over the dishes can stem from deeper resentment and anger. Typically, someone resentful about doing the dishes is also resentful about managing most of the household work.
Resentment vs. Ordinary Frustration
The key distinction is duration. A moment of frustration can disappear within hours, or even by the end of the evening. Resentment, on the other hand, is a deep-seated feeling born of circumstances that repeat over and over. Thus, when your spouse is late for dinner for the third time in a week, a bout of temporary frustration may swiftly abate. However, the instant you leap to the conclusion that yes, he’s late again, this always happens, you must be of no value, that’s resentment, with a far-reaching and deep-rooted reaction to have arisen from a single circumstance.
Why Resentment Builds in Relationships
Even though most couples don’t intend to keep score, it often happens in the gap between what a couple needs and how they express those needs. A therapist will often identify a few main areas of a couple’s relationship that need work to reduce resentment and build a more positive connection.
An Uneven Mental Load
Division of Labor in Relationships. Many couples struggle to divide the labor of daily life. One of the biggest causes of resentment in marriage is the uneven distribution of the invisible work, such as remembering appointments, buying gifts, and filling the dog’s refills. Marina Edelman, LMFT, explores this important relationship topic and discusses common causes of resentment in marriage that can often lead to contempt.
Needs That Were Never Spoken
This is a common pattern for people who never, ever ask for what they want because they were raised with the mindset that asking for what you want is selfish. So instead, they tell their partner and hope their partner will pick up on what they are saying. If not, the partner’s silently unmet need usually feels like rejection.
Unrepaired Hurts
Every couple fights from time to time, but what’s important is whether you can get back to normal after the fight. If not, if the other person just walks off or changes subject, and you say “fine” without meaning it, this can create a silent barrier between you very quickly.
Big Life Transitions
Whether it is a new baby, job loss, a move, or caring for an aging parent, the impact on roles in a relationship can happen quickly. Until the couple can have a negotiation about roles, one person will bear the difference of the change. Marina writes more about this on her life transitions in a relationship page.
Signs of Resentment in Your Marriage
Why can’t you see your resentment towards your spouse even though it’s REAL. And the signs it’s there, turnin’ into contempt.
- You keep a mental tally of who did what, and you are almost always “ahead”
- Small requests from your partner feel like impositions
- You bring up old arguments during new ones
- Sarcasm, eye-rolling, or mocking has crept into everyday conversation
- You feel relief when your partner leaves the house
- Physical affection feels like one more thing being asked of you
- You vent about your spouse to friends more than you talk to your spouse
Just because several of the above statements ring true doesn’t mean that it’s the end of the road for you and your partner. In fact, it’s usually a signal that something huge has been left unaddressed and needs to be tackled ASAP.
How Resentment Turns Into Contempt
Resentment is the soil in which contempt grows; above, we described the ‘Four Horsemen’ of criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt, identified by Dr. John Gottman in his seminal research.
Contempt is more than anger; it is a sense of superiority over one’s partner, communicated through expressions of disdain, disgust, or even name-calling. Couples who view their relationship through this lens typically report feeling more like roommates who dislike each other than couples struggling with other communication patterns. However, contempt has an opposing force that has been studied and, in many cases, helped couples transition out of a negative pattern and into a more appreciative one. Appreciation is usually a habit that is relatively easy to rebuild, unlike trying to undo decades of resentment.
How to Let Go of Resentment in Marriage
Letting go of resentment doesn’t imply ignoring hurtful behavior. Instead, you can address it and put it to rest by discussing the hurt to heal and move on.
1. Name the Need, Not Just the Complaint
Rather than saying “You never help,” tell your spouse instead, “I’m exhausted, and I need your help with evening routines.” Instead of an unmanaged complaint, expressing a need for help allows for a managed solution. He refers to this as a ‘gentle start-up’ and can change the mood of a conversation within the first couple sentences.
2. Pick the Right Moment
Sometimes it is better than others to have the resentment conversation. Avoid bringing it up at 10 p.m. or in the car. You don’t want to have a resentment conversation with your kids in the room. Ask for time: “I was wondering if we could talk about something that’s been on my mind this weekend?”
3. Listen for the Story Behind Your Partner’s Behavior
Recognize the feeling behind your partner’s words. See things from their perspective, then share your own. People soften when they feel that you have understood their position first. Then you can share your perspective.
4. Repair, Then Renegotiate
A recognition of wrongdoing, such as “I didn’t realize how much you were carrying and that was unfair of me,” can help repair relationship harm. Coupling this admission with a plan to resolve the situation and to check in later to make sure that the change is working can also be very powerful. Lay out the specific changes, such as who will handle the school for the children, who will plan the weekend meals, and when you will check in with each other to see if the changes are working.
5. Build a Weekly Check-In
By having a 20-minute conversation once a week to review what is working and not working in your relationship and to determine each of your needs for the following week, you can keep the small hurts from piling up. These talks are preventive to arguments. Marina’s guide to argument prevention and management offers more structure for these talks.
6. Regulate Before You Respond
Waiting 20 minutes and returning to the conversation when you are calm (down-regulated) will help you respond rather than react instantly. Marina’s page on self-regulation in a relationship explains why this works.
When to Seek Marriage Counseling for Resentment
Even the hardest issues can be worked through at home and outside of therapy, but there are times when even after the best efforts at discussion, that same argument keeps having the same result i.e. increased resentment or even the same pattern of negative interaction. Certain resentments such as those tied to past betrayals (affairs, financial dishonesty, etc.) require a specialized approach and a trained therapist to manage.
- You have tried to talk about it, and conversations keep escalating or shutting down
- Contempt, such as mockery, eye-rolling, or name-calling, is now part of how you speak to each other
- The resentment is tied to a betrayal, such as an affair or financial infidelity
- One or both of you has started to quietly check out of the relationship
What Therapy for Resentment Looks Like With Marina Edelman, LMFT
Active Structured Approach – Using the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Marina helps slow the conflict cycle, so both partners can hear each other. By identifying the origin of the resentment, the underlying need behind it, and establishing a fair, sustainable arrangement to meet that need, Marina helps couples rebuild their relationship and strengthen their marriage.
Couples leave sessions with practical tools to use at home, not just insight. For couples who want faster momentum, Marina also offers intensive couples therapy, where several sessions of work happen over a few focused days. Sessions are available in person in Westlake Village and through secure online marriage counseling anywhere in California.
Frequently Asked Questions About Resentment in Marriage
Can a marriage recover from long-term resentment?
Yes. Many couples recover from resentment that has built over years. Recovery usually requires both partners to acknowledge the pattern, repair the specific hurts, and change the habits that created them. A trained couples therapist can make that process faster and less painful.
Is resentment a sign that I should leave my marriage?
Not on its own. Resentment signals unmet needs, not necessarily incompatibility. If the resentment comes with abuse, ongoing betrayal, or a partner who refuses to engage at all, that is a different situation and worth exploring with a professional.
How do I bring up resentment without starting a fight?
Choose a calm moment, ask for the conversation in advance, and start with how you feel and what you need instead of what your partner did wrong. Keep the focus on one issue at a time rather than listing years of grievances.
What if my partner is the one who resents me?
Get curious rather than defensive. Ask what they have been carrying and what would help. Acknowledging their experience, even before you fully agree with it, is often the first real step toward repair.
How long does couples therapy for resentment take?
It depends on how long the resentment has been building and whether there are other issues involved. Many couples notice less tension within the first several sessions, with deeper change taking a few months of consistent work.
Ready to Let Go of Resentment and Reconnect?
Resentment in marriage is painful, but it is also information. It points directly at what needs to change. You don’t have to sort through years of hurt on your own.
Marina Edelman, LMFT offers couples counseling in Westlake Village and online throughout California, with a structured, compassionate approach built on the Gottman Method and EFT.
📞 Call: (818) 851-1293
📧 Email: marina@marinaedelman.com
About the Author:
Couples Therapist in California
Marina Edelman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, relationship writer, and founder of TrueMe® Counseling, serving clients in Westlake Village, Thousand Oaks, and throughout California.
Drawing on more than 20 years of clinical experience, Marina writes practical, research-informed articles about couples therapy, affair recovery, trust, communication, attachment, anxiety, intimacy, and relationship repair. Her articles translate evidence-based therapeutic approaches into clear insights and actionable strategies readers can use to better understand their relationships.
Her writing is informed by:
- Gottman Method — Research-based tools for navigating conflict and strengthening friendship and intimacy
- Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) — Insights into attachment injuries, recurring relationship patterns, and emotional safety
- Attachment-Based Therapy — An understanding of how early relational experiences can shape adult relationships
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) — Strategies for identifying and changing thoughts and behaviors that contribute to disconnection
- AEDP — A compassionate approach to understanding and processing deeper emotional wounds
Through her articles, Marina helps readers recognize unhealthy patterns, understand the emotions beneath conflict, and identify practical next steps toward healing. Her content is especially relevant to couples and individuals navigating infidelity, broken trust, recurring arguments, emotional distance, anxiety, premarital concerns, or major relationship transitions.
Marina also provides in-person counseling in Westlake Village and Thousand Oaks and telehealth services throughout California.
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