What Happens in Couples Therapy

What Happens in Your First Couples Therapy Session

The main focus of the first session is on orientation, and you won’t be asked to solve any problems immediately.

Setting the Ground Rules

Your therapist will tell you how the sessions function, what confidentiality entails, and how they deal with intense conversations. The aim is that the situation should seem safe to both partners right from the beginning.

Telling Your Story

Each person is given the opportunity to explain what has been going on, using their own words, without being interrupted. For many couples this simply amounts to a great deal of relief. It might well be the first time in a long time that each of you has been properly heard.

The therapist will also ask about your history: how you met, what drew you to each other, and what the good times have looked like. This isn’t small talk. Understanding your strengths is just as important as understanding the problems.

Naming the Goals

By the end of the first session or two, you and your therapist will start to agree on what you want to work on. That might mean fewer arguments, renewing trust, reconnecting physically, or deciding the future of the relationship.

At Marina Edelman, LMFT, the first session is active, not passive. Couples leave with direct feedback, a sense of what’s driving their conflict, and a clear plan for what comes next.

What Happens in Couples Therapy After the First Session

Once you set goals, therapy usually moves through a few overlapping stages.

Assessment

Many therapists, especially those trained in the Gottman Method, spend the first few sessions doing a complete assessment. This can include questionnaires each partner fills out privately and short individual sessions. The assessment helps the therapist see the full picture, including strengths, sore spots, and patterns that might not come up in joint sessions.

Slowing Down the Conflict Cycle

Most couples who come to therapy are stuck in a loop. One partner pursues, the other withdraws. Or both partners get defensive within seconds. In this stage, your therapist helps you slow those moments down so you can see the pattern as it happens. Once you can see it, you can start to change it.

Building New Skills

This is where couples start practicing new ways of talking to each other. You might learn how to bring up a complaint gently, take a break when you’re overwhelmed, and repair after an argument. Your therapist will coach you through these conversations in session, then give you exercises to practice at home.

Deeper Healing

Once the day-to-day conflict calms down, you can work on deeper layers: old hurts, unmet needs, betrayals, or attachment wounds from earlier in life. This is often where the most significant change happens for some couples; that includes affair recovery or working through years of built-up resentment.

Maintaining Progress

Toward the end of therapy, sessions often become less frequent. The emphasis shifts to keeping the gains you’ve made and preparing for forthcoming challenges.

The Approaches Marina Uses: Gottman Method and EFT

Not all couples therapy looks the same. Marina Edelman, LMFT, draws on two of the most researched and respected approaches in the field.

The Gottman Method

The Gottman Method is based on more than four decades of research by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, who studied thousands of couples to learn what separates lasting relationships from those that fall apart. It concentrates on practical skills: managing conflict, building friendship and fondness, and creating shared meaning. Couples often appreciate how concrete it is. You leave sessions knowing exactly what to try next.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

Emotionally Focused Therapy, developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, looks at the emotions and attachment needs underneath your arguments. The idea is that most fights aren’t really about the dishes or the schedule. They’re about deeper questions, like: Do you have my back? And do I matter to you? EFT helps partners express those needs in a way the other person can actually hear.

Why Use Both?

Gottman gives couples tools for the surface-level patterns. EFT helps them understand and heal what’s driving those patterns. Together, they offer both structure and depth, which is why Marina integrates them into her work with couples.

What Couples Therapy Is Not

A few common myths are worth clearing up.

• It’s not about deciding who’s right. Your therapist’s “client” is the relationship, not either partner.
• It’s not just venting. A skilled therapist will guide the conversation, interrupt unhelpful patterns, and hold the focus on change.
• It’s not only for couples in crisis. Many couples come in to strengthen a good relationship, prepare for marriage, or manage a big transition. Marina also offers pre-marriage counseling for couples who want to start on solid ground.
• It doesn’t guarantee you’ll stay together. Sometimes therapy helps couples realize they want to separate. When that happens, it can help them do it with more clarity and less damage.

How to Get the Most Out of Couples Therapy

Couples who see the biggest changes usually have a few things in common:

1. They come consistently. Weekly sessions, especially early on, help build momentum.
2. They practice between sessions. The real work happens at home, in the small daily moments.
3. They continue to be curious. Instead of trying to win, they try to understand.
4. They’re honest with the therapist. If something isn’t working, saying so helps the therapist adjust.
5. They’re patient with the process. Patterns that took years to form take some time to change.