Managing Money as a Couple: How to Stop Fighting

Why Couples Fight About Money

Money touches almost every aspect of life in some way or another: security, freedom, status, fairness, and the future. For that reason, money fights can get heated even when the amount in question is small.

Different Money Personalities

Most couples will have one partner who is naturally a saver and one who is naturally a spender. The saver will probably see a bank account as a source of security and will be quite happy with a financial cushion. The spender will probably be all about experiences, being generous and living in the moment. Neither approach is necessarily wrong, it’s just that without an understanding of the other’s perspective each partner is likely to start to see the other as either being completely reckless or completely controlling.

Family Money Stories

Everyone has some kind of message about money from their upbringing. It might have been that money was always tight and it was a constant topic of conversation. It might have been the complete opposite, with money never really being discussed at all. It might have been that one parent was the one who ran the household finances and the other parent had no input at all. Those early experiences with money will have a massive effect on how we feel about money as adults, and we rarely even realize it.

Money Means More Than Money

In Marina’s work money arguments are almost never about the receipt. They’re almost always about some deeper issue: do you value my contribution? Can I trust you? Do I have a say in our future? Am I safe? Once couples have recognized what money means to each of them the conversation is very different.

Unequal Incomes or Roles

When one person is earning a lot more than the other, or one is the one who’s at home with the kids, the issues of fairness and power can arise. Who gets to make the decisions? Whose money is it? Those are issues which absolutely need to be discussed openly rather than just be the subject of quiet resentment.

Common Money Problems Couples Face

Some money issues show up again and again in couples therapy:

• Avoiding money conversations until a crisis forces one
• Different spending priorities, like travel vs. savings or the house vs. retirement
• Debt brought into the relationship that one partner didn’t know about
• Unequal financial knowledge, where one partner handles everything and the other feels left out.
• Holiday and gift spending that goes well beyond what was planned
• Supporting extended family financially without agreeing on limits
• Secret spending or hidden accounts

When Money Becomes a Trust Issue

That last point is particularly important. Financial infidelity is about hiding purchases, having secret accounts, concealing debt, lying about money etc. It can be just as damaging as any other form of infidelity in terms of the damage to trust and the way the partner views the relationship. Marina’s page on financial infidelity looks at how couples can get back on track when this has occurred.

How to Talk About Money Without Fighting

Loads of couples will just avoid any money conversation as they always seem to go tits up. A few tweaks can make them a lot easier.

1. Schedule the Conversation

Money talks don’t go well when they’re happening in the middle of a stressful moment (imagine the moment the big bill arrives). It’s far better to set a time when you’re both rested and calm. A lot of couples find a monthly ‘money date’ to be the way to go.

2. Start With Values, Not Numbers

Before you even look at a spreadsheet talk about what’s important to each of you. What does financial security mean to you? What would you most like to be able to do with your money in five years time? What’s your biggest worry? Shared values are going to make it so much easier to agree on the specifics.

3. Share Your Money Story

Take it in turns to describe how money was handled in your family when you were growing up. Ask each other: what did you learn about money as a kid? What would you like to do the same and what would you like to do differently? This can be a very useful exercise in explaining the origins of some of the habits that previously just seemed so frustrating. Marina’s money mindset exercise is a good place to start.

4. Use “I” Statements

Rather than “You always spend too much” try “I get anxious when our savings go down and I’d like us to agree on a monthly limit”. That way you’re focusing on your own feelings and needs rather than on their character.

5. Take a Break if It Gets Heated

If either of you is feeling overwhelmed or the conversation is starting to get out of hand then just pause and come back to it later. Money talks work a lot better when both of you are calm enough to actually listen.

Building a Financial Plan Together

Once the conversation has got going you can start to build a system that works for both of you.

Choose a Structure That Fits

There’s no single right way to combine finances. Common options include:

• Fully joint: all the income goes into the joint accounts and all the expenses come out of the joint accounts.
• Fully separate: each partner has their own accounts and splits the shared costs.
• Hybrid (‘yours, mine and ours’): a joint account to cover shared expenses and objectives with each person maintaining their own personal account for their own spending.

Many couples find the hybrid approach offers the best of both worlds in terms of teamwork and independence. The key thing is that you choose it together.

Build a Shared Budget

A budget isn’t a punishment, it’s a plan for what’s important to you both. List your income, your fixed costs, your savings goals and your fun money. Marina’s household budget resource can get you started.

Set Shared Goals

Paying off debt, saving for a house, planning a holiday, or planning for retirement are much easier when you work on it together. Just write down your goals and celebrate the progress you make.

Agree on a “Check-In” Number

Lots of couples will set an amount (say $200 or $500) above which either partner will check in before they spend. It’s a fairly straightforward way of avoiding any surprises without having to micromanage each other.

Give Each Partner Some Freedom

Personal spending money that neither partner has to justify can actually go a long way to reducing a huge amount of conflict. It enables individuality without any sense of guilt.