Tired of feeling shut out when you try to communicate?
Marina Edelman, LMFT, helps couples break the stonewalling cycle, improve communication, and rebuild emotional connection. Schedule a couples therapy session in Westlake Village or online throughout California. Schedule a sessionStonewalling in Relationships: Why Partners Shut Down and How to Reconnect
Stonewalling in a relationship typically looks like this: you’re trying to have a conversation about something important and your partner just goes utterly silent. They go blank. They might be staring at their phone, giving one word answers or just walking out of the room. The more you push the further they go. You’re left feeling utterly ignored and furious and they’re left feeling cornered and overwhelmed.
Here’s the short answer: stonewalling is rarely a purposeful punishment. It’s more typically what occurs when a person’s nervous system is so overloaded during a conflict that they can’t think or respond at all, so they just shut down as a form of self-protection. Dr. John Gottman has identified stonewalling as one of the ‘Four Horsemen’ which are strong predictors of relationship failure. It’s also one of the most amenable to change. The key is to learn to spot the onset of overwhelm, take a genuine break and then return to the conversation. Marina Edelman, LMFT, a Gottman trained marriage and family therapist in Westlake Village, works with couples to break the stonewalling pattern so that both partners actually feel heard rather than simply shut out.
What Is Stonewalling?
Stonewalling is when one partner withdraws from an interaction, emotionally or physically, and stops responding. It can look like:
- Going silent in the middle of an argument
- Turning away, crossing arms, or avoiding eye contact
- Suddenly getting busy with a phone, TV, or chores.
- Giving flat one-word answers, like “fine” or “whatever”
- Leaving the room or the house without saying when they’ll be back
- Refusing to discuss a topic at all
To the partner on the other side it can quite literally feel like talking to a wall (which is where the name comes from).
Stonewalling vs. Taking a Healthy Break
A pause in a conversation isn’t necessarily stonewalling. The difference is in the communication. A healthy pause would be “I’m a bit overwhelmed, I need 20 minutes and then I’d like to come back to it”. Stonewalling is a complete shutdown with no explanation and no intention of coming back. One is protective of the relationship, the other just leaves your partner to deal with the issue.
Why Partners Shut Down During Conflict
It’s so easy to assume that a stonewalling partner just doesn’t care. In Marina’s work with couples that’s very rarely the case. More often the person who is stonewalling is someone who cares very much but simply feels they can’t respond at that moment.
Emotional Flooding
Gottman’s research describes a state he calls ‘flooding’. In a heated argument the body’s stress response kicks in (heart rate goes up, stress hormones go through the roof and the brain goes into fight or flight). In that state it’s very difficult to listen, very difficult to problem solve and very difficult to speak in any kind of calm manner. Shutting down can be the only way of not saying something that will hurt or of not making the argument worse.
Learned Patterns From Childhood
So many of those who stonewall grew up in homes where conflict was scary, volatile or punished. They learned very early on that silence was the safe thing to do. That same reflex is going to kick in as an adult whenever a conversation becomes heated, even with a partner they love.
Feeling Criticized or Overwhelmed
Stonewalling follows criticism (one of Gottman’s Four Horsemen). When one partner feels attacked or the list of complaints is simply growing, withdrawal can be the only defence. This creates a very painful cycle indeed: one partner is pushing harder and harder to be heard and the other is retreating further and further.
Fear of Making Things Worse
Some partners just shut down as they have no idea what to say and are terrified that anything they say is going to make it worse. Silence is the safer option really.
The Pursue-Withdraw Cycle
Stonewalling almost never occurs in isolation. It’s typically part of what couples therapists refer to as the ‘pursue-withdraw’ cycle.
One partner (the pursuer) is anxious when there’s distance and will go to all sorts of lengths to get the other partner to engage by raising issues, asking questions and literally following the other partner from room to room. The other partner (the withdrawer) is simply overwhelmed by the intensity of the pursuit and pulls back. The more you pursue the more they withdraw and the more they withdraw the more you pursue.
Both are attempting to protect the relationship in their own way really. The pursuer is fighting for the connection. The withdrawer is trying to prevent things from blowing up. Neither feels understood. The first real breakthrough is often in recognising the cycle rather than blaming each other.
How Stonewalling Affects a Relationship
When stonewalling becomes a regular pattern, it can quietly erode trust and closeness:
- The pursuing partner often feels rejected, abandoned, or unimportant.
- Important issues never get resolved, so they keep resurfacing.
- Resentment builds on both sides.
- Couples start avoiding hard conversations altogether.
- Over time, partners can drift into feeling more like roommates than a couple.
Left on its own it can lead to a very deep sense of resentment in the marriage. The good news is it’s a pattern and patterns can be changed.
How to Stop Stonewalling: Tips for the Partner Who Shuts Down
If you’re the one who tends to go quiet then these steps can help you to stay in touch without becoming overwhelmed.
- Learn Your Early Warning Signs
Notice what happens in your body as you start to feel overwhelmed (racing heart, tight chest, clenched jaw, blank mind etc). The earlier you can pick up on those signals the better chance you have of pausing before you go full shutdown.
- Call a Time-Out Instead of Disappearing
Let your partner know what’s going on: “I’m flooded right now. I need a break but I’m not going to walk away from this conversation. Can we come back to it in 30 minutes?” That one sentence turns a shutdown into a healthy pause.
- Actually Calm Your Body
Gottman recommends a 20 minute break so that the body can settle. Use that time to do something calming (a walk, slow breathing, music etc). Don’t use it to go over your side of the argument as that keeps your body in a state of high alert. Marina’s page on self regulation in a relationship has some other techniques.
- Come Back
The most important bit about a break is in the return. The fact that you come back when you say you will is what tells your partner that the break was about you needing time to calm down, rather than you just wanting to avoid them.
How to Respond When Your Partner Stonewalls
If you’re the one who feels shut out then these techniques can help your partner to stay involved.
- Start Gently
How a conversation starts is often a good indicator of how it’s going to finish. Rather than “You never listen to me” try “I’m feeling a bit disconnected and I’d like to talk about the weekend plans”. A soft start reduces the likelihood that your partner is going to feel attacked and opens the door.
- Focus on One Issue at a Time
Don’t bring up a dozen complaints at once as that will just overwhelm anyone. Pick one issue to raise and save the others for another time.
- Agree on a Time-Out Plan in Advance
When things are calm, put a plan in place together: a signal that you need a break, how long the break will be and a commitment to come back. Having a plan in place makes the break feel less like abandonment.
- Get Curious About What’s Underneath
When it’s all calm, ask your partner what happens for them when they shut down. A lot of withdrawers have never been asked and so will have no idea what it’s like. Knowing their experience can go a long way to lessening your own frustration.
When to Seek Couples Therapy for Stonewalling
Some couples will be able to break the cycle on their own. Others will find that every time they try it just becomes the same painful loop. If you’re in that latter camp then consider couples therapy.
- Arguments regularly end with one partner shutting down for hours or days.
- The same issues keep coming back without resolution.
- One partner feels constantly rejected and the other constantly criticized.
- Conversations escalate quickly into yelling, silence, or both.
- You’ve started avoiding important topics to keep the peace.
How Marina Edelman, LMFT Helps Couples Break the Stonewalling Cycle
Marina works in a very structured way, based on the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). The approach is to help the couple slow down the conflict so that they can actually see the pursue-withdraw cycle as it’s happening. They learn to identify flooding, take effective breaks and start conversations in a way that is safe for both of them.
EFT also helps couples get to the underlying feelings in the cycle (often a fear of rejection on one side and a fear of failure on the other). Once those feelings are expressed and heard they lose their power. Marina also works with high conflict couples and provides intensive couples therapy for couples who want to make progress more quickly. Sessions are available in person in Westlake Village and via secure online marriage counselling throughout California.
Frequently Asked Questions About Stonewalling in Relationships
Is stonewalling a form of emotional abuse?
Stonewalling on its own is typically a reaction to being overwhelmed rather than a tactic to control or punish. If however silence is being used deliberately and repeatedly as a means of punishment, manipulation or control then it can become part of an emotionally abusive pattern. If you’re not sure what’s going on then a therapist can help you work it out.
What’s the difference between stonewalling and the silent treatment?
They can look the same but the motivation is often different. Stonewalling tends to be someone who is just overwhelmed and can’t cope. The silent treatment is more often an intentional act of anger or a way of punishing your partner. Both of those are things that need to be looked at.
Can stonewalling be fixed?
Yes. A lot of couples will see a dramatic reduction in stonewalling once they both understand what flooding is, have agreed on how to take breaks and have agreed on how to start a difficult conversation in a gentler way. Couples therapy can certainly accelerate the process.
What should I do if my partner just won’t talk about anything at all?
Pick a quiet moment and just talk about how the pattern is affecting you (without blaming). Propose a time-out plan that both of you can agree on. If your partner still won’t engage then individual therapy for you or couples therapy together can be of some help.
Why do I shut down when my partner is upset?
It’s often down to your nervous system being overloaded and going into protection mode. Can also be to do with how conflict was managed when you were a kid. Learning to identify that response and learn to calm it down is going to be a massive help in staying present in difficult conversations.
Ready to Break the Stonewalling Cycle?
Stonewalling in relationships can leave both partners feeling alone, one shut out and the other overwhelmed. But it’s a pattern, not a verdict on your relationship. With the right tools, couples can learn to stay connected even when conversations get hard.
Marina Edelman, LMFT offers couples counseling in Westlake Village and online throughout California, with a structured, compassionate approach built on the Gottman Method and EFT.
📞 Call: (818) 851-1293
📧 Email: marina@marinaedelman.com
About the Author:
Couples Therapist in California
Marina Edelman is a licensed marriage and family therapist with more than 20 years of experience working with couples and individuals. She founded TrueMe® Counseling, created the TrueMe® Method, and hosts the Marina on Marriage podcast. A former financial analyst, she brings financial therapy into her couples work. She sees clients throughout California.
Host a podcast? I talk with hosts about AI and modern relationships, the rewrite reflex, and how couples repair in real time. Invite me on your show: Marina Edelman, LMFT
For more honest conversations about dating, marriage, and the patterns we bring into love, subscribe to Marina on Marriage. If this essay brought someone to mind, share it with them.
Her writing is informed by:
- Gottman Method — Research-based tools for navigating conflict and strengthening friendship and intimacy
- Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) — Insights into attachment injuries, recurring relationship patterns, and emotional safety
- Attachment-Based Therapy — An understanding of how early relational experiences can shape adult relationships
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) — Strategies for identifying and changing thoughts and behaviors that contribute to disconnection
- AEDP — A compassionate approach to understanding and processing deeper emotional wounds
Through her articles, Marina helps readers recognize unhealthy patterns, understand the emotions beneath conflict, and identify practical next steps toward healing. Her content is especially relevant to couples and individuals navigating infidelity, broken trust, recurring arguments, emotional distance, anxiety, premarital concerns, or major relationship transitions.
Marina also provides in-person counseling in Westlake Village and Thousand Oaks and telehealth services throughout California.
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