by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Apr 29, 2020 | affair, couples, marriage
How much is too much to share with family and friends about problems in your marriage?
When you first meet someone you run to your friends and family and tell them about this great human that just entered your life. You look forward to introducing them and then hold a debriefing session, feverishly taking in their opinions and observations. You hold onto their every word, ask them for advice on how to proceed in situation X, and analyze your new found loves actions with your mates. confiding in friends about problems in marriage
After several months your love’s imperfections start to surface. You have your first fight. You might even ‘take a break’ to figure things out. Friends and family are there by your side the entire time. They help you figure out what is a deal breaker or how to help your boyfriend/girlfriend see your view point – because if they saw it from your perspective of course they would succumb to your influence. The input of your inner circle is crucial at this stage of relationship.
In front of community at large you take your vows and commit to each other for life. After a couple of years the novelty of married life has worn off and real problems and grid lock situations emerge. So what do you do? You go back to what worked to begin with, you start seeking counsel of your inner circle that helped you at the onset of your relationship.
Traditional marriage is designed to be exclusive – a unique dyad that provides a safe confidential place for each spouses heart to live. When a third party is consistently brought into the relationship, safety and sanctity of the relationship gets disturbed. It is almost impossible for your tribe to offer unbiased advice. After all they are loyal and committed to you and therefore see you through rose colored glasses. The chances a Mother will tell her daughter how unreasonable she is, are pretty low.
Yet we are social beings and need to process situations and feelings out loud. So what is one to do. One obvious answer is to find a couples counselor who can help you both find solutions to unresolved issues or guide your communication to a cleaner and healthier path. But we still want to open up to people we love and pour our hearts out to those that care about us. For the record I strongly advise against airing dirty laundry in public. Confiding to your support system sounds like a good idea at the time but can drive a wedge between your spouse and you. They might feel betrayed and ambushed. Feelings of shame can surface prior to family gatherings which would effect your spouses desire to socialize. Please take all of this into consideration prior to opening up.
In 2014 research (1) by Kirsten Lind Seal for University of Minnesota showed that 73.3% of U.S. adults reported ever having been a confidant to someone with a couple relationship problem, while 62.6% had themselves confided in someone about a relationship problem. “Women were more likely to be confidants than men, as were individuals with more education. The most common confiding relationship was between friends, followed by siblings. Confidants had a wide range of marital problems brought them, including common issues such as disagreements over money along with serious issues such as infidelity and divorce.” So now that we established we shouldn’t confide in others about our marital distress, but majority of us do, how to do it without ruining our marriage.
Best Practices of Confiding
- Set your intention in receiving help and guidance
- Find a confidant that is non-judgmental, supportive listener and offers alternative perspective
- Avoid spouse bashing
- Brainstorm solutions not just regurgitate the problem
- Tell your spouse ahead of time that this is happening to avoid an unpleasant surprise
- Share the gist of what is upsetting not the dirty details
- Limit sharing to one person
Prioritize your marriage by dealing with your problems together. If you’ve already confided about your partner to others, don’t despair it’s not too late to make things better. Consider circling back to your confidant and mention some of the things you appreciate about your partner. At times we may feel hopeless that things can get better. As a marriage and family therapist for 15 years I can tell you that I have seen couples make huge turnarounds by putting effort and time into their love. It takes commitment to see how each of you contribute to the relationship from a negative and positive position.
Marina Edelman is a Licensed Psychotherapist in private practice for 15 years. She has helped countless couples design fulfilling beautiful relationships using Gottman Method along with Emotional Focused Therapy to create long lasting results. She has been published in Huffington Post and most recently quoted in The Lily (subsidiary of Washington Post).
(1) https://conservancy.umn.edu/bitstream/handle/11299/182758/Seal_umn_0130E_15233.pdf?sequence=1
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Apr 3, 2020 | Blog, couples, marriage
Sitcoms lead us to believe that women pretend to have headaches to avoid sex. But more and more often I encounter couples where the man is either not interested or is unable to perform sexually.
Whether it’s you or your spouse who doesn’t want to initiate sex, falling into the trap of a sexless marriage is dangerous. It can lead to depression, unhappiness in your marriage, and both physical and emotional affairs. About 15-20% of people are in a sexless marriage — and sometimes they don’t even know why.
It’s easy to blame busy schedules and lack of time, but you can always schedule in time to be intimate. So what is leading to all these platonic marriages? And how do you bring passion back?
What leads to a sexless marriage?
Between work and kids and life, it’s easy to come up with excuses for not wanting to be intimate with your spouse. But the longer it continues, the harder it can be to reconnect and feel passionate again.
The quicker you can determine what’s causing your lack of intimacy, the faster you can work on fixing the problem.
Medical problems
Medical problems are a good place to start when it comes to determining why you or your partner have zero libido. Often hormone deficiencies like low testosterone can lower your sex drive.
Loss of libido is also linked to conditions like depression, high blood pressure, and diabetes. Certain medications, including antidepressants, can cause you to lose interest in sex.
Stress
Stress makes you feel sluggish, which in turn affects your metabolism and weight and inadvertently leads to poor body image. Stress also affects your body by overproducing a hormone called cortisol that directly reduces your libido.
Emotional disconnection
People often think that a loss of interest in sex means their partner is no longer physically attracted to them. But reduced attraction usually has less to do with appearance and more to do with unexpressed and unresolved unhappiness in the relationship or marriage. When you feel emotionally detached from your partner, it’s hard to want to be physically intimate.
Lack of romance
This can go hand-in-hand with emotional disconnection. A lack of romance often leads to a lack of intimacy. If you think back to when your relationship first started, there were probably a lot of romantic gestures that made you feel close to and engaged by your partner. When these go away, it can be harder to feel the excitement and connection that lead to sex.
Poor communication
Unless you talk to your partner about how their lack of interest affects you, they may have no idea. Failing to communicate your needs and desires can directly impact how often you have sex.
Fixing a sexless marriage
Maybe you haven’t had sex with your spouse for months, or even years. Once you get into the routine of not having sex, it can seem impossible to fix. But you can find your way back to each other and reignite connection and passion in your relationship.
The first thing to do is talk. Talk about your sexual needs and how they aren’t being fulfilled. Just the act of talking alone can lead to the closeness and connection that may have been missing.
Learn to reduce your stress. Stress management is an important step in bringing intimacy back into your relationship. When you can let go of some of those things that bring you the most stress, you leave yourself more open to spend time with your partner and be relaxed.
Check in with your doctor. Get a check up at the doctor to rule out underlying medical conditions or have your meds changed. Once medical problems are ruled out, then issues such as stress, mood, and marital satisfaction can be addressed.
Get counseling. Talking through issues of intimacy may be hard for you or your partner for many reasons. Connecting with a couples therapist can help you learn to talk about the issues that have led to your sexless marriage and help you find ways to be intimate again. Tools like Gottman’s online marriage assessment can help me quickly hone in on issues in your marriage. Together, we can work on addressing those issues so you feel closer again.
Bring back the romance. Romance doesn’t have to be grand gestures or long weekends away. Those may not even be possible if you have a demanding job and kids. Romance could be laughing with your partner for a few minutes every night, picking up your spouse’s favorite food for dinner, or spending time on the patio listening to your favorite songs.
Change the emphasis. Men’s sexuality is often defined by society and themselves as the ability to perform on demand. If they can’t achieve an erection or climax, men often develop performance anxiety and become withdrawn, angry, or suppress sexual desires. Women often need more emotional connection when it comes to sex and may feel even more detached and self-conscious if they can’t get aroused as quickly as they once did.
Removing the emphasis from intercourse and refocusing on things like cuddling, foreplay, and flirting reduces the pressure and allows you to redefine your sexuality in a different context. By replacing intercourse with physical and emotional intimacy, a couple can actually reinvigorate their sex life and bring romance back into their marriage.
Don’t despair. If you’re with a compassionate, loving partner your sexless marriage can be transformed to a hot one in no time!
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Mar 17, 2020 | anxiety, coronavirus
What I Am Telling My Clients Who Are Anxious About Coronavirus
The word ‘unprecedented’ has been used and maybe over used but the Coronavirus is undeniably affecting all of us in significant ways. Social distancing has drastically affected our daily lives. This pandemic has had a toll not only on our physical and social life but on our mental health as well. You are probably familiar with statistics such as number of people infected, recovery rate, or countries impacted. Here are some other statistics to consider: in one study of Wang et al, 2020 they found that in China, 53.8% of the respondents to a survey rated their psychological impact as moderate-to-severe and 28.8% had moderate to severe anxiety, 16.5% had moderate to severe depressive symptoms, 8.1% had moderate to severe stress levels.
Know that you are not alone, my associates and I are here to help you. We are meeting with clients using video portals and phones and are finding these tools to be very affective. Please feel free to reach out for help. In the meantime here are some ways you can stay healthy and happy.
Be creative in connecting with friends and family
Physical distancing doesn’t have to be synonymous with social distancing. On the contrary, we have amazing tools at our disposal to connect with people. Here are example of three ways to stay connected.
- Google just announced that they are giving away premium feature of Hangout Meet for free. This allows you to connect with up to 250 people. Zoom, FaceTime, Facebook etc. are all great ways to connect one on one or with a group.
- Netflix has a cool feature where you can still watch a movie together and have a group chat with the Chrome extension Netflix Party. It enables you to remotely watch, synchronize the movie and chat.
- Consider throwing a remote dinner party by planning a menu together and deciding on a time. Plant your laptop on the counter and start a video conference while prepping your meal. Bon Appetite!
Self-Care to manage anxiety and depression
If you have been procrastinating focusing on your health and wellness than this is your moment. Mental health, immune system and physical health will benefit with increased attention to self care. This is a great opportunity to create healthy habits.
- Group fitness classes are great not just for the workout but because they give us a sense of community. Your gym or studio maybe closed but you can replace that with some wonderful free at home options and digital classes streaming right into your home. Staying active can help alleviate stress as well as distract you in a positive way. Here are some options:
305 Fitness: Stream full classes for free on its YouTube channel at 12 p.m. ET.
AKT: Stream free classes on Facebook Live, check its social for updated schedules.
Modo Yoga: Stream free daily yoga classes on Instagram Live.
- Meditation is something all of us want to do but can’t seem to find the time to do it. Well now there are no excuses. There are tons of guided meditation videos and apps out there. Find a quiet place to sit for even 10 minutes and just focus on your breath. Be kind with invasive thoughts. Watch them float away as you refocus on your breath.
- Eat healthy at home. Restaurants and coffee shops might be closed but a healthy meal is at your fingertips. Recent research has proven that we can help manage our mood with a healthy diet. Foods such as salmon, yogurt and dark chocolate have brain boosting properties that alleviate some symptoms. Replacing coffee with green tea or chamomile tea is also a good way to add calmness to your morning.
Maintain a similar routine or establish a new one if one didn’t exist
Being flexible and accepting change is crucial during this unprecedented time. Try to stick to your normal routine as much as possible. If you have to make adjustments because of social distancing at least keep doing it in the same order or time. For example even though you don’t have a commute, still wake up at the same time and enjoy a leisurely breakfast. If you are used to meeting up with friends after work, consider calling them while taking a walk outside.
If a routine was never your thing, consider creating a loose one such as consistent sleep schedule, work out, prepare a meal, virtually visit with a friend….
Reduce social media consumption of coronavirus
This is a big one! Reading about what is happening around the world is healthy to a point. There is a fine line with obsessing over pandemic as opposed to staying informed. Social media also allows us a peek into other people’s lives and we can’t help but to compare them to us. Recently parents have been posting schedules for homeschooling their children. The images are so cute and organized and colorful. But what if you are struggling with figuring it all out or are just not that excited about homeschooling, this can leave you feeling disappointed and a bit sad. Be cautious with how much time you spend on media in general. Subscribe to happy or good news channels as well.
Focus on what you can do vs what you cannot
You will now probably have more time on your hands and common sources of entertainment will not be available. There are so many options still at your disposal, just think outside the box. All of us have some home projects that we say we will get too but can’t find the time to actually complete. Or was your New Year resolution to write a book, read more, or spend time outdoors. Spending time outside is a great way to elevate your mood, feel a sense of freedom, and get some steps in.
Show up as your best self by channeling
- Patience
- Gratitude
- Compliments
- Understanding
- Humor
- Empathy
We are all in this together, maintaining an optimistic outlook and focusing on what is possible will help you to be resilient and creative. Feel free to reach out by visiting www.new.truemecounseling.com or calling 818.851.1293.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Nov 12, 2019 | couples, marriage
Being a newlywed can be a time of uninterrupted bliss, or it can be a nightmare.
The combining of families can be a very trying time and can hurt a very new relationship between two
newlyweds. It’s easier for men to mix with a bride’s family because he is not analyzing his
relationship with his in-laws as closely as the bride is to hers. Men don’t take certain things
personally, the way women do. If a woman is not close to her in-laws, she is analyzing why she
is not. If a man is not close to his in-laws, there’s a big chance that he is not as disturbed by it.
Whether you love or hate your in-laws, your relationship with them, negative or positive, can
have a lasting effect on your marriage. In more severe circumstances, it could even tear your
marriage apart.
According to CNN, when a man reported having a close relationship with his wife’s parents, the
couple’s risk of divorce decreased by 20%. Yet women who said they had a close relationship
with their husbands’ parents saw their risk of divorce rise by 20%. This is simply because
studies have shown that when a man is close to his in-laws, it reinforces his relationship with his
wife by showing her that she is important to him. But when a woman is close to her husband’s
family, it can prevent her from growing a strong bond with him in those crucial, early years of
marriage.
Here are some ways to be close with your in-laws without having them interfere in your new marriage.
- Show an interest in them as people, and not just your in-laws. Don’t wait till the holidays to
spend time with your in-laws, because that’s a time of year when everyone may be feeling more
stressed.
- Spend time with them socially and frequently, and get to know them as people. This is
very important if you’re a man because showing your wife that you care for her parents shows
her that you care for her, too.
- Set Boundaries. As a couple, let your in-laws know that you want a strong relationship with
them, but that you also need to set some boundaries. You don’t have to share everything with
them. This is especially true for families with kids.
- Don’t let in-laws use their desire to see your children as a way to invade your space, and don’t allow them to place judgment on your
parenting skills.
- Keep it Kind, and Friendly. Don’t insult or talk about your in-laws, even behind their backs. If
you have an issue with them, speak reasonably about it to your partner. Even if your spouse is
complaining about his or her parents, don’t offer any opinion. No one likes having their parents
attacked.
- Put your relationship first. Stand united against outside threats, even if that means your
in-laws. There are a lot of behaviors that exhibit married couples letting their spouse take the
heat against their families, and showing no support. If this kind of behavior persists, it can hurt a
marriage, maybe permanently. Make it clear that you expect your spouse to defend you.
Remember, you married your spouse, not his or her family. But you can make things easier in
your marriage and your life, by showing an interest, showing love, and setting clear boundaries.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Oct 4, 2019 | Blog, couples, divorce, marriage
Fighting is a common practice in relationships. Couples fight and disagree all the time. The smallest disagreement can boil over into World War III. Make sure you are fighting about real things and not assumptions.
Common reasons couples fight are:
- Lack of Sex.
- Lack of Money. There are so many different fights that couples can get into when it comes to money. …
- Kids
- Timing
- Quality Time
- Lack of Romance
- Chores. …who does what?
- Pet Peeves
But are we really listening to our significant other’s reasoning and are we giving them the benefit of the doubt that they sometimes deserve? Why do we spend so much time fighting because of our own hurt egos, assumptions, and pride?
The question we should really be asking ourselves is, why do we make assumptions? Easy. People make assumptions naturally to fill in the blanks or holes in situations. It’s kind of like Rational Choice Theory – Rational choice theory states that individuals rely on rational calculations to make rational choices that result in outcomes aligned with their own best interests.
Five Major Assumptions that Couples Make!
- “If you love me, you’ll know what I’m thinking.”
One of the biggest assumptions couples make is that their partners can read their minds. If and WHEN they can’t, then the next assumption is that they must not love or care about them.
- “We’d be happier if our sex life was better.”
Even bigger than a lackluster sex life is that the problem may be a lack of trust or emotional attachment.
- “If you’d just do X or Y, everything would work out.”
This assumption happens when a person does not want to look at themselves as wrong. They don’t want to look deeper into their own issues and seek help, so they point blame to their partner. It’s easier to blame someone else instead of looking at our own faults.
- “You should put me first.”
With this assumption, there is an expectation that it’s your partner’s duty to make you happy. Your happiness should actually be your own responsibility. Find your happiness, then share it together with your partner.
- “We should be able to figure this out already.”
This is an unattainable expectation. All couples think that they should be farther along in their relationship than they are, when the reality is that relationships are hard work, all the time.
What are the benefits of giving your partner the benefit of the doubt? Less fighting!
Giving your partner the benefit of the doubt not only helps you to avoid these hurt feelings, it encourages positivity and patience in your relationship. Giving your partner the benefit of the doubt will keep your partner from jumping into defensive mode, therefore avoiding an unnecessary argument. It will show them that you trust and appreciate them. So next time you feel like jumping to conclusions and turning something into a fight, sit back and really have an in-depth conversation with your partner, ask the right questions, and get the true answers. Clarity equals peace in all relationships. Peace and happiness is priceless, and should always be a goal in any relationship.
When was the last time you had a relationship check-up – maybe it’s time to schedule a check up appointment.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Sep 17, 2019 | affair
This a third installment of three part series. Earlier I wrote about women’s motives for affairs as well as outlined generally why affairs happen. This blog will focus on men.
There are a number of reasons why men have affairs and cheat on their wives. It’s actually not that hard to decipher why men cheat. A very common reason for why men stray has to do with adding more people into the mix. Also known as, children. A common scenario is that the couple had children, and the men stopped feeling important in the relationship. Period.
However, there are a number of reasons why men would cheat.
- Immaturity: Basically, he lacks the experience of being in a monogamous, long term relationship.
- Recurring issues such as drugs and alcohol that affect his decision making abilities. A party-goer with tons of substances and stimulants in their system does not make a good combination for a good decision making skills.
- He has a sexual addiction, meaning he compulsively engages in sexual fantasies and behaviors instead of facing life’s challenges.
- Insecurities. He uses sex and women to feel better about himself.
- He may want to end his current relationship, but instead of being honest, he cheats and makes his women do the “breaking off” of the relationship. Or he may want to already have someone lined up because he’s afraid to be alone.
- Lack of Male Social relationships – friends: He may be expecting a male friend in his woman partner, and when she can’t fulfill that need, he looks elsewhere.
- He’s confused about commitment and long term love.
- Childhood Abuse – the trauma of abuse can last a lifetime without the proper help. And the side effects of childhood abuse not only affects the abused, but all the people in their life as well.
- Selfishness – he wants his cake and eat it too. He wants ALL the toys. He wants everything!
- Narcissism – he feels the rules do not apply to him. He feels that he is above the laws of monogamy, and that the woman should have realized that about him before entering a relationship with him.
- Impulsiveness – pure impulsiveness. The wrong place, the wrong time, with the wrong people, and making a bad decision.
- Anger and Revenge – maybe the woman cheated first and his knee jerk reaction is to cheat as well. Even the odds.
These are just a number of different reasons why men would cheat. And everyone’s situation is unique to their relationship. Sometimes it is not just a singular reason, but a mix of different reasons. Maybe the relationship didn’t start out on the best terms, and didn’t have the best foundation. Don’t single out these reasons, or go looking for them in your relationship if you feel like your partner has been unfaithful. Instead seek help from a therapist, and communicate with your partner.
Usually men want the physical aspects of their affair, but it stems from wanting to be desired. Men also want to feel needed, desired, and important. They want to be the hero. Women AND men both want to be desired in their marriages, and when the other partner is absent from the marriage, and not making an effort, affairs happen.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Aug 8, 2019 | affair, couples, divorce, marriage
Women cheat and have affairs. They do. Even though it’s not as talked about as men, and in some ways, a lot more unacceptable in society, women do cheat. Why? Usually when women have their eyes set on their guy, it’s forever. She will stick by her man through thick and thin. So what would make a woman turn her back on her life with her current partner, and stray?
Below are various reasons why this would happen
- Women sometimes feel underappreciated, neglected, or ignored. Inadvertently, they feel more like a housekeeper, or nanny, than a wife or girlfriend. So they seek validation of their true selves outside of their current relationship. They want to be valued not for their casseroles, but for being women.
- They crave intimacy. Women tend to feel a connection to their significant other through other ways that does not involve sex. Situations that involve talking, having fun together, building a home and social life together usually make up their definition of intimacy. So when they don’t have this, they feel disconnected.
- She is not fulfilled by her current situation and feels overwhelmed and stressed. Studies have shown that even though some women were in very healthy, loving relationships, life’s stressors triggered a need to stray outside of their marriage.
- Loneliness can lead to affairs. Women can experience loneliness in a relationship for any number of reasons. Maybe their spouse works long hours or travels for business on a regular basis, or maybe their spouse is emotionally unavailable. When this happens, women will try to fill the void elsewhere.
- Unrealistic expectations. They expect their significant other to meet their every need 24/7, 365 days a year, and when that doesn’t happen, they seek attention elsewhere. They want it all, they need it all. All the attention, all the time. This is probably feeding into some kind of insecurity issue – or codependency issue that they may have.
- Childhood or early adulthood abuse. Sometimes women who experienced profound early-life (or adult) trauma, especially sexual trauma, will re-enact that trauma as a way of trying to master or control it.
- They’re not having enough satisfying sex at home. Not only men enjoy sex, this is a common misconception. Women also enjoy sex, and will seek it elsewhere if it’s not being given at home. Sex should be fun, and common, in a relationship. It’s a deep intimacy that allows partners to fully explore and connect to each other.
Women stray too. That’s a fact. When the needs of woman is not met, she will also find them elsewhere. At the end of the day, we are all human. Men, women, all humans. And we need to feel that love and connection, that desire, with our partner. We need to feel like they are all in, as we all should be. GIving love, support, and helping each other grow. Without the connection between two people, the relationship is sort of stagnant, and not growing. When a relationship grows stagnant, it becomes suffocating. Which will develop a need for a person to want to seek other means of love and connection elsewhere.
There is a way to affair proof your relationship. If you are considering betraying your partner, see a therapist first. Therapy can help you understand what is driving your unhappiness and come up with ways to talk to your partner about lack of fulfillment. Some things cannot be undone – an affair is one of them. Managing your impulses will help you not feel guilt and shame in the long run.
