by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Oct 26, 2022 | coronavirus, fall, family, holiday
The holiday season is here, which means spending time and catching up with our loved ones. For many, this is a time to talk about what is in the latest news or to discuss politics. It is more than common to have families who hold different opinions, beliefs, and values. For some, it can be draining to discuss politics and can often times feel like a debate. Whether you are in the mood to talk politics or do not want to talk about it at all, either way is okay. It is important to understand how to communicate in a healthy way to be able to set proper boundaries and engage in meaningful conversations with your family members.
Leaving Politics Out
I do not want to talk about politics on Thanksgiving… What do I do?
Set expectations
You know your family best. If you want to have peace of mind that politics will not be brought up during your family gathering, it is okay to set expectations. Whether you are hosting or not, letting family members know ahead of time that you would not like to discuss politics at the gathering is a great way to set boundaries and avoid any conversations that may spark up tension.
You do not have to engage
So, you set expectations, but Uncle Sam or Aunt Joanna started a political debate… What now? You do not have to engage. If it is important to you that you focus on spending time with family and not expending energy on political conversations, it is okay to not engage. Here are a few examples of what you can say:
“I appreciate you wanting to discuss this with me but right now is not a good time.”
“I respect your feelings and opinions, but I would like to focus my energy on a different topic of discussion.”
“Thank you for sharing your thoughts about (xyz)… Hey how was your recent trip to Hawaii?”
Talking Politics
I do not mind politics being brought up but some of my family members have different views… How do I navigate this?
Many individuals hold different opinions, thoughts, and values. Most likely, there is going to be at least one family member you do not completely agree with regarding politics. If you enjoy discussing politics or have to navigate different opinions, here are a few ways to have a healthy conversation:
Listen non-judgmentally: This can be a tricky one but despite having different opinions, it is respectful and insightful to actively listen to what the other person is saying and to not be judgmental. Everyone has their own experiences in life that lead them to their own beliefs and opinions. Listening with the intent to learn and question can guide the conversation.
Ask questions: This is a great time to learn more about the topic of discussion and your family member as well. Be engaging and ask questions. Learn about the other persons perspective and see what similarities and differences are there. More than likely, you may find some common ground on some topics.
Use humor: Humor is a great tool to ease up tense or tricky conversations (in the right situation). Crack a joke with common ground to ease and lighten up the conversation.
Take a breather: Step outside or politely excuse yourself if feelings or emotions start to feel intense. It is okay to step aside and reground yourself before heading back into the conversations.
Acknowledge different opinions: Trying to change each other’s minds on a topic can cause unwanted stress on both sides of the conversation. Simply acknowledging differences in opinion is okay. It is perfectly fine to “agree to disagree” and still love your family members.
Navigating COVID-19
Aside from politics, COVID-19 may be another topic that can be challenging to navigate in terms of family gathers and vaccination status. It is natural for us to want to be surrounded by people who are similar to us including interests, values, and even vaccination status.
Some of the same tips above still apply.
Set expectations: Let your family members know ahead of time what your expectations are regarding masks, safety precautions, and getting together with others who are vaccinated and/or are not vaccinated.
Avoid judgment: Everyone is navigating through the pandemic in a way that works for them. Despite whether or not your family members are vaccinated or are taking measures to avoid COVID-19 it is important to be respectful of others personal decisions.
Expand your options: If there are family members who are unable to attend or does not comfortable gathering in-person. Try a blended gathering of virtual and in-person. What matters most, is being able to spend quality time with your loved ones whether that is in-person or through zoom!
Just a reminder: Enjoy the moment!
Be present: Engaging in conversations, enjoying good food, and playing games with loved ones is what makes holidays fun. Be present and actively engage with your family. The time spent with them will be greatly
Be thankful: Expressing gratitude is what thanksgiving is all about. Take some time to remind yourself and others what you are thankful for!
Final words from Marina Edelman, LMFT
Navigating difficult conversations or topics can be a challenge. It can be helpful to seek out a therapist who can help you build on your communication skills and learn how to navigate family challenges. My associates and I have worked with many families to help them work through difficult unique challenges.
Marina Edelman | 818.851.1293 | www.new.truemecounseling.com | Westlake Village, CA
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Feb 22, 2022 | anxiety, Blog, couples, couples counseling, group, love, marriage, pregnancy
Mood Swings During Pregnancy Are Common
One big reason for pregnancy mood swings is a women’s rapidly changing hormones, specifically estrogen and progesterone. Estrogen, associated with serotonin, levels soar during the first trimester and can cause emotional distress. Most commonly resulting in increase in anxiety and irritability.
Second common reason for emotional dysregulation is the obvious physical discomforts such as morning sickness, fatigue and constipation, etc. We can all relate to our mood changing when we feel physically uncomfortable. Because these changes happen in the first trimester, women feel like there isn’t a relief in sight and know that symptoms will only get worse.
The third most common reason for change in mood is directly related to weight gain. Whether the weight gain is drastic or gradual, change in weight can be stressful for some. Feelings of insecurity during pregnancy and fears of loosing wight after pregnancy can trigger obsessive thoughts. Social media portraying high profile individuals dropping weight and being red carpet ready within weeks of delivery, doesn’t help.
Gender Disappointment
One of the most taboo subjects to talk about is the baby’s gender. Many people feel shame in revealing they actually have a preference. Just know that you are not alone, this is very common. Feelings of guilt about disappointment, regretting the pregnancy, and doubt over one’s ability to parent or love this child is common.
There are a few reasons why one might feel disappointment:
- Preference, dream of sharing an experience with a certain gender
- Culture
- Gender diversity of the family – family full of boys might want a girl etc.
- Intimidation at raising a child of opposite gender – fear of the unknown
- Fear of the child creating a stronger bond with the parent that is the same gender
Coping Strategies During Pregnancy
- This is your time to recommit to the relationship. Prioritize each other by focusing on your partners social, emotional, and physical needs.
- Allow for all feelings to be expressed. If new emotions, such as rage, occur being curious and comforting. Validate and support one another.
- Communication has never been as important as it is now. Validate by acknowledging your loved ones emotions, thoughts, experiences, values, and beliefs. You don’t have to agree, just express understanding and acceptance.
- Stop reading parenting and pregnancy books. Humans have been doing this for 300,000 years. You have instinct, trust it!
- Be patient, allow space for errors.
- The non-pregnant spouse can show true unwavering support by changing behaviors such as substance use, making better eating choices, prioritizing rest etc. It’s hard for the pregnant partner to have their life be completely changed and watch their mate continue to live as if nothing happened.
- Connect with other expecting couples.
- Engage in nesting type of conversations. Register for gifts, identify and design the nursery, find childcare and so on.
- Find a counselor who can the two of you navigate uncharted waters.
Final Words from Marina Edelman, LMFT
Pregnancy is difficult for both partners in different ways. What ever you are feeling I can guarantee someone else out there feels exactly the same. I recently hosted an in person pregnancy support group in my office. It was wonderful! The women were able to openly share all of the emotions they have been to embarrassed to express with their girlfriends for fear of judgment.
Marina Edelman | 818.851.1293 | www.new.truemecounseling.com | Westlake Village, CA
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Oct 19, 2021 | couples, couples counseling, divorce, fall, love, marriage, mediation, self-care, Uncategorized
FALL BACK IN LOVE…READ MORE TO LEARN HOW
The leaves are changing, the air is crisp, the aroma of pumpkin latte’s and pumpkin everything else is cropping up all around you. There may be a feeling of warmth and festivity in the air as the seasons change, so why is there a chill between you and your partner?
For many, the changing of the seasons signals a natural inclination for newness and growth. Instead of widening the gap and growing apart, take this seasonal cue from Mother Nature and seize the opportunity to FALL BACK in love, creating more opportunity for you and your partner not only to connect, but to flourish!
Seasonal changes as well as relationship changes are organic and normal as everyone experiences highs and lows. While these fluctuations are part of even the healthiest relationships, we sometimes need to be reminded that we have the power to strengthen and increase more of the connection in our relationships that may have diminished over time.
“Autumn shows us how beautiful it is to let things go” ~Anonymous
By increasing mindful awareness this season and letting go of some resentments and bitterness that may have crept in over time, you and your partner can reconnect. In the beginning of your relationship its often effortless to act simply as smiley lover’s loving love. These feelings of infatuation can naturally decrease if left unattended leaving one or both partners feeling disillusioned and questioning the future of the relationship.
Some signs of relationship dissatisfaction creeping in are:
– Your speech with one another becoming more sarcastic than sweet
– You may be less careful with one another’s feelings and ignore bids for attention
– You no longer “date” one another like you did when the relationship was new
– You begin to fantasize about being with someone else or being better off alone
– Instead of admiring your partners strengths, you focus only on their shortcomings
– You find yourself asking “Is this as good as it gets? Or even “Have I fallen out of love permanently?”
If these signs are familiar to you, realize that not only are you not alone, but that you have the power within you to create desired change today. By “being the change you wish to see” in your relationship you can influence your partner and can reignite the passion that you may have once feared was only a thing of seasons past.
Here are SIX things you can try today to FALL BACK in LOVE with your partner.
1. Get cozy! Take advantage of the changing season by inviting your partner to move closer to you. Keeping each other can warm the heart in more ways than one.
2. Rekindle though traditions. Don’t have any? Begin where you are by adding rituals for the holidays, or even for your daily routine. Fun is not just for kids and is important for “grown-ups” too. The pumpkin patch and piles of Autumn leaves await!
3. Gratitude. With Thanksgiving coming, be proactive now by counting your blessings and focusing on what you do have vs don’t have in your relationship.
4. Take a stroll down Memory Lane. What was it that attracted you to each other in the beginning? Remember the things that you signed up for when you made a commitment to the person that you share your life with.
5. Recommit to being “ALL IN ” in your relationship thought the power of decision. Love is a verb after all. You can begin again by remembering all the things that you did for and with your partner in the beginning when the feelings were more alive. Make a conscious decision to doing them again and doing them with kindness.
6. Self-care may sound cliché but there is a reason for it. Take care of YOU. If you want to rekindle passion in your relationship, take care of yourself outside of the relationship and make sure that your individual needs are met. If you are feeling bad about your own life, it’s hard to keep your relationship flame alive.
Don’t wait until January 1st to add “Work on the relationship” to your lengthy list of resolutions. By moving towards your desired future now, It will not only improve your relationship, but it can also make space for your other adventurous resolutions like fitness, fencing, fantasy football, or something else that you would like to have more of in your life. If more of what you need is a happier relationship, or just to “be,” In either case, do it now. Your future self- will thank you.
Blog post written by Sharalee Hall AMFT, she is available to meet with couples and families in person and online . Feel free to reach out and schedule a complimentary session.
www.new.truemecounseling.com 818.851.1293
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Aug 26, 2021 | Blog, couples, divorce, mediation
Divorce can be hard and have a negative impact. But the same can be said for staying in a long-term bad marriage.
Over the last 20 years divorce rates have been declining. A striking contrast to this trend is a phenomenon known as the “Gray Divorce.” Gray divorce describes a rise in divorce rates for couples 45 plus who are choosing to end their marriages later in life. In fact, over the last 20 years the divorce rates have more than doubled in this demographic. The notion and norm from previous generations which valued staying together “no matter what”, and “growing old” with a life-partner seems to be shifting in favor of individual freedom and happiness in cases where a marriage has not been working for either one or both partners. The divorce rate continues to rise for couples over 45 in long-term marriages for several reasons. Research has shown a rise in life expectancy over the past few decades, and with couples expecting to live longer and healthier lives there is more time to consider the impact of the decision to divorce may have on their quality of life. While couples are continuing to stay in unhappy marriages “for the sake of the kids” in recent years there has shown to be increase in divorce rates when the nest is finally empty. The past stigma of divorce has become less potent over time which has impacted this trend. Second and third marriages have a significant likelihood to end in divorce which is a factor. Also, the impact of women earning more money and achieving more career success than previous generations has led to the continuing rise in divorce in the second half of life.
Gray divorce can lead to positive change, second chances and hope for a new fulfilling chapter for separating spouses. It can also have a downside that can be especially challenging for older populations such as isolation, depression, financial insecurity, health challenges, and new relationship issues with adult children who are dealing with the loss of their parents’ long-term marriage much differently than their parents may be.
1. Loss of a long-term dream. While both partners grieve the end of a marriage the spouse who initiates the divorce may seem to be dealing with the loss better than the other, as they may have had more time to process and accept their choice. This can be particularly challenging for the spouse for whom the divorce was not their choice but is now their reality. Although change is a constant part of life, many people find it to be difficult to manage and accept which and can lead to isolation.
2. Teenage and Adult Children. Many unhappy spouses with children struggle with the decision to either end the marriage while the kids are still young or wait to separate when the kids launch into their own adult lives. The “Empty nest” is big reason for Gray divorce. Children struggle to adjust at any age with their parents’ divorce, this can be more impactful and unexpected for teenage and adult children who assume that since their parents made it that far that their marriage would endure. Parents relationships with their older children can become challenging due to delayed divorce. It can be a struggle for all members of the once in-tact family to come to terms with the changes and loss caused by the break-up in and they may do so in much different ways.
3. Finances. Gray divorce can either take place during retirement or with retirement not too far into the future. Older couples may have had more time to save, but the impact of divorce can lead to a substantial financial hit and with less time to recover before retirement. There are likely more assets to divide which can be complicated at the very least and lead to animosity when the couple is not in agreement on how to untangle and divide what they have built over-time. Whether to keep or sell the family home is often a challenge, as well as making sure that both parties can continue to take care of insurance and healthcare needs that are vital for couples approaching an age where health concerns can be greater.
4. Difficult Emotions. Whether or not there may be positive changes on the horizon due to the split there is still grief and loss. Attending to emotional needs is crucial at this time, in order to successfully navigate the five stages of grief which are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. It is vital to rely on an either an existing support system during divorce or create a new one if needed. Family and friends can be great support, but sometimes different perspectives or burnout can lead to a need to seek new ways to get emotional needs met. There are divorce groups and other support groups that can promote healing and prevent what may be the worst result of a divorce, which is isolation. Studies show that former spouses enduring divorce have higher rates of depression than those whose spouses have died. The risk of isolation in Gray divorce can be higher and with the likelihood of an increase in physical and mental health problems show up showing up connection is vital. Reaching out for help from an individual or family therapist can be very beneficial during the divorce adjustment and can lead to healing and redefining life and goals as your newly single-self.
Divorce, especially in the second- half of life can range from difficult to devastating. This can also be a time of reinvention and new beginnings as you make room for yourself and for new possibilities. You can start over and make changes that are important to your well-being. Divorce, at any age, is not what couples have in mind when making wedding vows. Nonetheless, by putting yourself first for the first time, or the first time in a long time, you may find that trading “happily” ever-after,” for “Happier” ever after, is not such a bad thing after all.
_______________________________________
Written by Sharalee Hall, Marriage and Family Associate of TrueMe Counseling Center.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | May 2, 2021 | couples, marriage
Communicate, Communicate some more, And Now Again!
I never meet couples in my practice who over communicate. Instead I meet couples who make wrong assumptions about one another, stonewall and say things like “what’s the point” or “nothing I say matters”, fight to win.
Sounds like you? It’s o.k. and even beneficial for your relationship to fight as long as it’s done with intention to gain closeness or increase understanding. Unfortunately couples get lost in the power struggle that is created. How it comes about no-one knows but they know they are in the middle of it. It feels like a cob web, you don’t see it as you are walking through the forest but you sure know you walked right into it. Getting out of the web or power struggle is a struggle on its own. You promise yourself to not repeat a mistake but nevertheless find ourself battling for control. Who started it – anyone’s guess. Who ends it – either one can.
There is a theory, not sure who to attribute it too, that we enter into a committed relationship with someone who inadvertently picks on our wounds. They don’t mean to do it but they do it. Ever point out a bruise to your significant other just to have them push on it? They are trying to confirm the visual and accidentally do it too hard. From a relationship stand point, let’s say Partner A feels anxious if a fight is not immediately repaired and they marry Partner B who needs time to process. When Partner B asks for time they are not trying to punish or reject Partner A and yet that is exactly how it feels. So who should sacrifice their needs?
Maybe no one needs too. A great tool is for both partners to validate their needs in an exaggerated way. So in this instance Partner A would say “I know you need time to process and despite my fear of being apart during this time I will wait for you”. Partner B should validate and offer up something to comfort Partner A “I appreciate you acknowledging my need, let’s talk in 2 hours”. At this point it is vital for Partner B to stick to that promise. In absence of following through on this commitment betrayal and mistrust will start to grow.
The example above sounds very forced and formal. This is not how you will continue to speak but sometimes when learning a new skill exaggeration helps. Remember when you started to drive and you were very mechanical in checking rear view mirror and then paying attention to the road and then checking side mirrors and so on. Think of retraining yourself as learning to drive. Yes it is mechanical but the results are worth it. Slowly natural patterns will set in and trust and attunement will be second nature.
Try these communication tools:
- Speak with good intention
-
-
- Is your intention to win an argument or be understood
- Validate what your spouse just said even if you disagree.
-
-
- Validation is not an apology or an agreement, simply restate what your partner said
- Speak slowly and for short period of time
-
-
- Your partner can’t process or remember a monologue
- Use ‘I Statements’
-
-
- I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to not accuse but merely share a feeling
- Stay on topic
-
-
- The flood gates have opened up and you are finally talking but practice self restraint and stay focused on one topic until a resolution has been reached
In my subsequent blogs I will share the second part of healthy communication practices. For now see if you can incorporate these 5 into your relationship. These tips are beneficial not just for romantic partners but for platonic and professional relationships as well.
Please visit www.new.truemecounseling.com to learn more about me or follow me on Instagram @marina.on.marriage. Feel free to leave comments or ask follow up questions. Happy Coupling!
**********************
“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart.”
—Helen Keller
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Feb 4, 2021 | couples, marriage
VALENTINES DAY! Thinking outside of the heart shaped box.
Finally, February is here! Love is in the air; romance is nearly in full bloom as the most romantic holiday of the year is quickly approaching. It’s no secret, as local drug store aisles are bursting with pink and red heart shaped chocolates, teddy bears, and somewhere in the rows and rows of sentimental parchment awaits the perfect card, with the perfect words, just waiting to express to your chosen one your deepest love and devotion.
Valentine’s Day has been commercialized
Valentine’s Day sometimes gets a bad rap as an overly commercial holiday exclusively for those who are in committed romantic relationships. Even then sometimes those who are in said relationships often have different expectations of the highly anticipated V-day leading to less than desirable outcomes. Singles and couples alike have questioned the need for there to be one specific day of the year to celebrate love when in reality we human types need doses of love on the daily. On Valentine’s Day, love may be in the air…but sometimes so is anxiety.
Feelings surrounding Valentine’s Day
Valentine’s Day may bring up varying degrees of excitement, expectation, melancholy or even fear, depending on the age and state of your relationship, or lack thereof. And then there is social media, bursting at the seams with perfect images of gorgeous couples celebrating in the oh-so ideal way. Breathe. It can all be well, and well… even blissful, in a way that suits your unique circumstances.
Social interaction can have a significant influence on mental health and psychological well-being on Valentine’s Day, as well as the other 364 days of the year. No matter your relationship status, you can celebrate by reaching out and connecting with those who matter the most to you. Whether you’re married, dating, single, or consciously un-coupled, Valentine’s Day can be for anyone interested in a day of highlighting love and connection.
But I am single on Valentine’s Day
Are you single and have other single friends? Make plans to connect. Physical distance does not have to mean “social” distance in the days of Zoom. Are all of your friends in relationships? Do something special with family, or reach out to someone that you know may be in need. Giving can be a wonderful way to not only to help someone else, but it will also in turn increase your well-being at the same time.
Finally, Valentine’s Day can be an excellent opportunity to show love to the one who needs it the most. Yourself. Who better to celebrate with then the one with whom you have been in a relationship the longest? Self-love can be the best way to spend the “all hearts day” by piling on the self-care. This can be done according to your own desire: getting flowers or a special gift for yourself, doing something you’ve always wanted to do, or maybe doing nothing at all because with your very busy schedule: it is about time.
Valentine’s Day can be amazing for couples but remember, it’s not just for couples. Family, friends, and especially you can get special treatment and much-deserved attention making this a very special, and LOVEly day.
No matter how you choose to celebrate your personal version of love and connection- Happy Valentine’s Day!
________________________________
Sharalee Hall is Marina Edelman’s associate. She has experience working with couples struggling to create a loving marriage. She is currently accepting new clients via tele therapy.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Jul 9, 2020 | couples, divorce, marriage
So you have been with your spouse for quite a while, it’s normal to assume you know how they will act, think, or even feel in a specific situation. But how well do you really know your partner? Take the Gottman quiz to find out.
More often than not, acting like you can guess what your partner might be thinking isn’t the most productive thing to do. Mind reading can create a bigger issue. You may wind up spiraling into a whirlwind of stress and pessimism that snowballs into a major clash. This conflict can keep you from learning the truth about your partner’s feelings and keep you stuck in gridlock situations. Not giving your partner the benefit of the doubt will drive you further and further apart.
So what is one to do? Assume the best about your spouse.
Giving the Benefit of the Doubt is One of the Most Powerful Tools
Would you be able to think about a circumstance where you didn’t assume the best about your spouse? You stirred yourself up… and afterward felt amazingly humiliated when the reality of the situation was uncovered. You didn’t have anything to stress over in any case!
Assuming the best about your spouse not just causes you to stay away from these emotions, it advances trust and tolerance in your relationship. It shields your spouse from becoming defensive. It shows them that you value and respect them.
Also, if a past negative suspicion was accurate, it lets them see that you accept their ability to change and improve. Your spouse will feel closer to you and progressively valued by you. Which is probably going to make them assume the best about you, as well.
So how would you train yourself to assume the positive instead of the negative?
How about you switch places (in Imago terms it’s called visiting each others country).
For example, you’re running late for dinner. Your telephone dies; you’re trapped in rush hour gridlock, the unexpected client shows up….Sounds familiar and possible?
Eventually, you show up at the restaurant, late, tired, and hungry. Your spouse promptly treats you with complete disdain. Or even better accuses you of being vindictive and not caring. You attempt to clarify, yet they won’t have it! Is there any good reason why they shouldn’t trust what you are saying?
It truly hurts when a spouse doesn’t assume the best about you. When both people show up as their best selves – the relationship benefits.
Channel empathy towards your mate. They are playing for the same team as you. When something upsets you, be open to accepting your loved ones’ subjective reality. Simply enquire about what happened to make them late. Don’t challenge their decisions or offer alternative options. This already happened and simply enjoy the present moment.
See the situation from your spouse’s perspective. Accept that they are attempting their best and mean well. Different approaches to life are not wrong, just different. Sometimes negative feelings can flood us and our best efforts at dismissing them do not work. Try softly addressing the problem from a solution mindset.
