by Marina Edelman, LMFT | May 2, 2021 | couples, marriage
Communicate, Communicate some more, And Now Again!
I never meet couples in my practice who over communicate. Instead I meet couples who make wrong assumptions about one another, stonewall and say things like “what’s the point” or “nothing I say matters”, fight to win.
Sounds like you? It’s o.k. and even beneficial for your relationship to fight as long as it’s done with intention to gain closeness or increase understanding. Unfortunately couples get lost in the power struggle that is created. How it comes about no-one knows but they know they are in the middle of it. It feels like a cob web, you don’t see it as you are walking through the forest but you sure know you walked right into it. Getting out of the web or power struggle is a struggle on its own. You promise yourself to not repeat a mistake but nevertheless find ourself battling for control. Who started it – anyone’s guess. Who ends it – either one can.
There is a theory, not sure who to attribute it too, that we enter into a committed relationship with someone who inadvertently picks on our wounds. They don’t mean to do it but they do it. Ever point out a bruise to your significant other just to have them push on it? They are trying to confirm the visual and accidentally do it too hard. From a relationship stand point, let’s say Partner A feels anxious if a fight is not immediately repaired and they marry Partner B who needs time to process. When Partner B asks for time they are not trying to punish or reject Partner A and yet that is exactly how it feels. So who should sacrifice their needs?
Maybe no one needs too. A great tool is for both partners to validate their needs in an exaggerated way. So in this instance Partner A would say “I know you need time to process and despite my fear of being apart during this time I will wait for you”. Partner B should validate and offer up something to comfort Partner A “I appreciate you acknowledging my need, let’s talk in 2 hours”. At this point it is vital for Partner B to stick to that promise. In absence of following through on this commitment betrayal and mistrust will start to grow.
The example above sounds very forced and formal. This is not how you will continue to speak but sometimes when learning a new skill exaggeration helps. Remember when you started to drive and you were very mechanical in checking rear view mirror and then paying attention to the road and then checking side mirrors and so on. Think of retraining yourself as learning to drive. Yes it is mechanical but the results are worth it. Slowly natural patterns will set in and trust and attunement will be second nature.
Try these communication tools:
- Speak with good intention
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- Is your intention to win an argument or be understood
- Validate what your spouse just said even if you disagree.
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- Validation is not an apology or an agreement, simply restate what your partner said
- Speak slowly and for short period of time
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- Your partner can’t process or remember a monologue
- Use ‘I Statements’
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- I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to not accuse but merely share a feeling
- Stay on topic
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- The flood gates have opened up and you are finally talking but practice self restraint and stay focused on one topic until a resolution has been reached
In my subsequent blogs I will share the second part of healthy communication practices. For now see if you can incorporate these 5 into your relationship. These tips are beneficial not just for romantic partners but for platonic and professional relationships as well.
Please visit www.new.truemecounseling.com to learn more about me or follow me on Instagram @marina.on.marriage. Feel free to leave comments or ask follow up questions. Happy Coupling!
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“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart.”
—Helen Keller
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Feb 4, 2021 | couples, marriage
VALENTINES DAY! Thinking outside of the heart shaped box.
Finally, February is here! Love is in the air; romance is nearly in full bloom as the most romantic holiday of the year is quickly approaching. It’s no secret, as local drug store aisles are bursting with pink and red heart shaped chocolates, teddy bears, and somewhere in the rows and rows of sentimental parchment awaits the perfect card, with the perfect words, just waiting to express to your chosen one your deepest love and devotion.
Valentine’s Day has been commercialized
Valentine’s Day sometimes gets a bad rap as an overly commercial holiday exclusively for those who are in committed romantic relationships. Even then sometimes those who are in said relationships often have different expectations of the highly anticipated V-day leading to less than desirable outcomes. Singles and couples alike have questioned the need for there to be one specific day of the year to celebrate love when in reality we human types need doses of love on the daily. On Valentine’s Day, love may be in the air…but sometimes so is anxiety.
Feelings surrounding Valentine’s Day
Valentine’s Day may bring up varying degrees of excitement, expectation, melancholy or even fear, depending on the age and state of your relationship, or lack thereof. And then there is social media, bursting at the seams with perfect images of gorgeous couples celebrating in the oh-so ideal way. Breathe. It can all be well, and well… even blissful, in a way that suits your unique circumstances.
Social interaction can have a significant influence on mental health and psychological well-being on Valentine’s Day, as well as the other 364 days of the year. No matter your relationship status, you can celebrate by reaching out and connecting with those who matter the most to you. Whether you’re married, dating, single, or consciously un-coupled, Valentine’s Day can be for anyone interested in a day of highlighting love and connection.
But I am single on Valentine’s Day
Are you single and have other single friends? Make plans to connect. Physical distance does not have to mean “social” distance in the days of Zoom. Are all of your friends in relationships? Do something special with family, or reach out to someone that you know may be in need. Giving can be a wonderful way to not only to help someone else, but it will also in turn increase your well-being at the same time.
Finally, Valentine’s Day can be an excellent opportunity to show love to the one who needs it the most. Yourself. Who better to celebrate with then the one with whom you have been in a relationship the longest? Self-love can be the best way to spend the “all hearts day” by piling on the self-care. This can be done according to your own desire: getting flowers or a special gift for yourself, doing something you’ve always wanted to do, or maybe doing nothing at all because with your very busy schedule: it is about time.
Valentine’s Day can be amazing for couples but remember, it’s not just for couples. Family, friends, and especially you can get special treatment and much-deserved attention making this a very special, and LOVEly day.
No matter how you choose to celebrate your personal version of love and connection- Happy Valentine’s Day!
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Sharalee Hall is Marina Edelman’s associate. She has experience working with couples struggling to create a loving marriage. She is currently accepting new clients via tele therapy.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Jul 9, 2020 | couples, divorce, marriage
So you have been with your spouse for quite a while, it’s normal to assume you know how they will act, think, or even feel in a specific situation. But how well do you really know your partner? Take the Gottman quiz to find out.
More often than not, acting like you can guess what your partner might be thinking isn’t the most productive thing to do. Mind reading can create a bigger issue. You may wind up spiraling into a whirlwind of stress and pessimism that snowballs into a major clash. This conflict can keep you from learning the truth about your partner’s feelings and keep you stuck in gridlock situations. Not giving your partner the benefit of the doubt will drive you further and further apart.
So what is one to do? Assume the best about your spouse.
Giving the Benefit of the Doubt is One of the Most Powerful Tools
Would you be able to think about a circumstance where you didn’t assume the best about your spouse? You stirred yourself up… and afterward felt amazingly humiliated when the reality of the situation was uncovered. You didn’t have anything to stress over in any case!
Assuming the best about your spouse not just causes you to stay away from these emotions, it advances trust and tolerance in your relationship. It shields your spouse from becoming defensive. It shows them that you value and respect them.
Also, if a past negative suspicion was accurate, it lets them see that you accept their ability to change and improve. Your spouse will feel closer to you and progressively valued by you. Which is probably going to make them assume the best about you, as well.
So how would you train yourself to assume the positive instead of the negative?
How about you switch places (in Imago terms it’s called visiting each others country).
For example, you’re running late for dinner. Your telephone dies; you’re trapped in rush hour gridlock, the unexpected client shows up….Sounds familiar and possible?
Eventually, you show up at the restaurant, late, tired, and hungry. Your spouse promptly treats you with complete disdain. Or even better accuses you of being vindictive and not caring. You attempt to clarify, yet they won’t have it! Is there any good reason why they shouldn’t trust what you are saying?
It truly hurts when a spouse doesn’t assume the best about you. When both people show up as their best selves – the relationship benefits.
Channel empathy towards your mate. They are playing for the same team as you. When something upsets you, be open to accepting your loved ones’ subjective reality. Simply enquire about what happened to make them late. Don’t challenge their decisions or offer alternative options. This already happened and simply enjoy the present moment.
See the situation from your spouse’s perspective. Accept that they are attempting their best and mean well. Different approaches to life are not wrong, just different. Sometimes negative feelings can flood us and our best efforts at dismissing them do not work. Try softly addressing the problem from a solution mindset.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | May 29, 2020 | Blog, couples, marriage
Wouldn’t it be great if relationships came with an “easy button” like so many other things in our tech-heavy world? So many things run on autopilot these days: planes, phones, and even cars that can drive themselves!
In this world where many things work well with automation, it can be a good reminder that relationships retain a more old-fashioned quality. So often when relationships begin, things may seem perfect and effortless. This can feel amazing and we can get our hopes up and think that we have found soulmate perfection.
When the heady excitement wanes, it’s also easy to become disillusioned. You may think you have fallen out of love or (gasp) blame your partner for what you perceive as cracks in the relationship, leaving you wondering where things went wrong. Human relationships, not unlike our plants and pets, need nourishment and attention in order to create the conditions needed to thrive.
It can be easy to fall into a routine of the tried and true and lose sight of the fact that you must tend to your relationship. By adding some new behaviors and paying more attention to each other, your relationship can align more with what you and your partner both truly desire.
Here are a few practical tips that can reignite the flames, generate some new sparks, and keep your relationship alive and connected.
1. Learn each other’s love language. What makes you feel loved? It’s likely that your partner’s love needs are different than yours. It may be that neither of you are aware of this difference, leading to what feels like perpetual miscommunication. To figure out your love language, you and your partner can take this brief online quiz separately and then share your answers. The results may surprise you!
2. Reach out and … touch. We all need to be held. Infants have a basic need for loving contact to survive and this continues at every stage of life. Touching your partner often throughout the day — not just in the bedroom or when initiating sex — can increase intimacy in the bond between you. Family therapist Virginia Satir once said, “We need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. And we need 12 hugs a day for growth.” Reach out for more growth and connection!
3. Take turns turning on the romance. Take turns planning date night at least once a month. Make your partner feel special by planning something for the two of you. This can be something elaborate like fine dining in a restaurant you both enjoy or having a picnic in the backyard with a blanket, mood music, and candles. Be creative and enjoy your time together.
4. Make frequent “love deposits.” We all have a love bank that keeps track of how we’re treated by others. Making deposits by treating your partner with love and respect keeps the account full. Making withdrawals with criticism and contempt can leave your account empty or even overdrawn. By keeping each other’s love bank full by making many more deposits than withdrawals, you can increase love and safety in your relationship. What is your love bank balance?
5. End Groundhog Day arguments. Do you have a particular topic that keeps leading to arguments? If so, try to finally get it resolved. Set aside a time to talk, agree on a maximum time limit (maybe 20 minutes if the topic isn’t too complex), and require that you both stay on the topic so progress can be made instead of escalating the conflict. One tip for increasing partnership for potentially triggering conversations is to sit side by side instead of across from each other. This small move can make the conversation feel less adversarial and promote partnership and intimacy.
6. Time out isn’t just for toddlers. Conflict is part of every healthy relationship. Become familiar with the pattern of conflict between you and your partner and agree to take a time out if things become heated or destructive. When you both calm down, come back to the topic, repair if needed, and if you still can’t see eye to eye, agree to disagree.
7. Keep it positive. There’s no need to bare it all in relationships by sharing every negative thought and reaction with your partner. No relationship or person is perfect. According to John Gottman, healthy relationships have a 5 to 1 ratio, with 5 being positive communication and 1 being the negative. According to Gottman’s extensive relationship research, it takes five good interactions to clean up the negative effects of one bad.
8. Learn the art of listening deeply. Drop your primitive lizard brain defenses so you can actually hear your partner. When you listen to your partner, are you actually listening or just planning your reply or way to prove them wrong? Our most important human need is to be heard and understood, and it’s hard to achieve that without a mutual awareness of this need.
9. Have fun together. Never underestimate the power of sharing fun and adventure together. With adult relationships and adult responsibility, it’s easy to lose the magic of childhood, where play was our work. This doesn’t have to end when we become grown-ups.
Reconnect to yourself and your partner through your inner child. Reflect on some things that light you up and that you love to do just for the fun of it. One way to add more fun to your life is to reflect on your childhood dreams. Share them with your partner and be open to experiencing things that they enjoy. Even if it’s not your cup of tea, be willing to share in the things that they enjoy in order to deepen your understanding and connection to one another. Those who play together stay together.
By Sharalee Hall, MA, AMFT. Sharalee is an associate at the office of Marina Edelman, LMFT. You can read more about her here.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | May 26, 2020 | anxiety, Blog, couples, mindfulness
Staying mindful and present while living in quarantine has proven extremely difficult for most of us. With so much uncertainty in the air and vague estimations of when life can begin to resemble normalcy, it’s hard to stop ourselves from overthinking and giving in to anxiety-inducing thoughts.
These thoughts can interfere with your ability to be present in your daily life and in your relationship. Chances are, both you and your partner are feeling at least some anxiety and stress right now, either because of the current state of the world or how the quarantine is affecting your relationship. Mindfulness exercises are a great way to help reduce anxiety and stress.
Incorporating mindfulness exercises into your life is just one way to forge a stronger relationship as a couple. This can help you better weather life’s stresses and anxieties so that when stressful situations like quarantine pass, you’ll be more connected than ever.
Benefits of mindfulness in relationships
If you’re feeling anxious or fighting with your partner, it can be helpful to take some time to yourself to try the mindfulness techniques below and come back to your problem later. This can give you a chance to calm down and gain more clarity on the situation or help you focus on what actions you want to take.
You and your partner can even do mindfulness exercises together to bring you both a sense of calm during an anxious time. If you choose to do them together, be sure to put down your phones and step away from any distractions.
Whether you do it on your own or together, practicing mindfulness in your relationship can help you and your partner:
- Improve your mood so you feel calmer and happier
- Become better listeners and less distracted when having a conversation
- Have stronger emotion regulation, which means less anger and sadness
- Become more in tune with your feelings and your partner’s feelings
- Have more productive conversations and better problem solving
- Forge a deeper connection that leads to more intimacy
I’ve found that certain mindfulness techniques help me stay more present and grounded than others. These techniques can help you and your partner reduce your levels of anxiety so you can feel more calm, centered, and connected.
Five senses technique
One easy and simple mindfulness exercise that I partake in daily is the five senses technique, which I usually do every time I take my dog out for a walk. This technique uses your five senses — sight, touch, sound, smell, and taste — to help ground you and bring you into the present moment.
I usually go up to some flowers to do this technique, but any scene or area out in nature will work perfectly. If you’re doing this inside, it can be done in any room and in any area of your house.
Sight
I’ll start by noticing five things that I see in front of me. This can be the flowers themselves, their leaves, any blades of grass, or insects around the flowers.
Touch
Then I’ll touch four different things. I might gently run my finger across a flower petal or dig my hands in the grass, or I may give my dog a pet.
Sound
I’ll pay attention to three things that I can hear: the wind blowing through the trees, the sound of a lawn mower, or maybe a dog barking in the distance.
Smell
Then I’ll notice two things that I can smell, which could be the flowers themselves or the clean air.
Taste
Finally, I’ll focus on one thing I can taste. If I have a water bottle with me, then I’ll take a sip of water and mindfully pay attention to the feeling and sensation of the water going down my throat.
Grounding technique
Another quick mindfulness exercise that can be done anywhere and at any time is a grounding technique. While sitting on a surface, I notice all of the different areas of my body that are touching that surface and focus all of my attention to those areas. These areas are usually my back, thighs, and feet.
After I divert my attention to these areas for a few minutes, I then dig the bottoms of my feet into the ground so that I can really feel the earth beneath me. This is a quick way to (literally) ground yourself and bring you back into the present moment, especially if you’re feeling caught up in your thoughts or feeling some acute anxiety.
By Rachel Chistyakov, AMFT. Rachel is an associate at TrueMe Counseling Center. You can read more about her here.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | May 19, 2020 | self-care
Self-care has become a popular buzzword amongst media outlets and therapists for a good reason. We must all focus and prioritize our emotional, physical, and spiritual needs to help support others and create the world we want to live in.
We cannot help others and ourselves when we pour from an empty cup. Self-care can be as simple as reducing screen time before bed to spending time with family. It can even be spending five more minutes paying attention to the sounds and sights of nature around you.
Here are just a few of the benefits of self-care.
Self-care makes you more productive
We live in a “go, go, go” society where rocket-speed work and no breaks are praised, and job applications seek “multitaskers.” The fact is that multitasking is actually proven to make us less productive. We accomplish more if we tackle one task at a time, focus, and slow down.
An example of slowing down can look like dividing tasks on a to-do list and taking planned breaks throughout the day.
It makes you more able to give to others
One big obstacle to self-care is the concept that it is selfish. That couldn’t be farther from the truth! When we focus on our emotional needs, we have more time, emotional bandwidth, and energy to give to those around us. This means more connected and fuller relationships.
It benefits your physical health
Chronic stress and overwork creates numerous physical health problems. Self-care can decrease stress levels and allow your body to relax and recharge. As we settle into a self-care routine, we experience stronger immune systems and less physical health ailments like sore muscles and colds.
It increases your capacity to handle stressors
When we are tired, emotionally drained, or sick, our capacity to handle even minor stressors drastically decreases. Self-care activities can improve your ability to handle and even master daily stressors, such as a flat tire or argument with a significant other. When a stressor occurs, the natural rhythm of the nervous system may be thrown off balance.
By practicing self-care, we give ourselves a better opportunity for our nervous systems to settle back into its natural rhythm more quickly. The resilience zone is the state of being where we feel able to handle life’s daily stressors effectively and efficiently. Self-care increases our capacity to handle stressors, or resilience.
Prioritizing self-care
Now, how do we begin to prioritize self-care? Begin by making a plan. Focus on exploring different areas of your life: personal, family, work, physical, spiritual, and relationships.
Choose a few activities within each of these categories to begin your self-care journey. They don’t have to be expensive or time-consuming. It may be challenging to wake up 20 minutes before your alarm to journal or meditate, for example, but it will absolutely be worth it.
Part of your self-care may even be regular individual therapy sessions to help you learn to focus on yourself and your own needs instead of prioritizing everyone else’s. Whatever activities work best for you are what you should incorporate into your self-care plan.
By Hadley Tarantino, LMFT. Hadley is an associate at the office of Marina Edelman, LMFT. You can read more about her here.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | May 12, 2020 | coronavirus, friends
Whether your strongest friendships are local or long distance, the Covid-19 pandemic is changing how we connect with our friends. Sure, there are endless Zoom happy hours and socially distant porch hellos, but is that enough to maintain our friendships thriving long past the pandemic?
While apps like Facebook and What’s App are seeing more than 40% growth in use of their social platforms, it may not feel like your friendships are as fulfilling as usual. But there are ways to stay connected and keep your friendships thriving during social distancing. Here are just a few suggestions on how to maintain friendships while you’re apart.
Make a Point to Reach Out to Maintain Friendships
If you feel like you haven’t connected with your friends lately, it may simply be that you haven’t had a chance to reach out. Between working from home and teaching the kids, your days may be even busier than they were before.
Take a break from the craziness of the day and reach out to one or two friends. It can be a short text or an attempt at FaceTime while the kids are screaming in the background, but it’s a start. Just seeing your friend’s face on a screen or engaging with them via chat can help keep your connection alive.
Talk About Something Good
When you do reach out, it’s hard not to focus on the news of the day. But try to connect with your friends in the way you always did, whether that’s chatting about the latest TV show you’re binging on Netflix or your success with that sourdough starter you’ve been trying for years. Talking to friends about good things going on in your life or shared interests can both increase your mood and strengthen your connection so you don’t feel so distant.
Drop a Card in the Mail
Birthday parties, baby showers and anniversary celebrations may be on hold for now, but you can still show up for your friend during a time of celebration. Send a card or present in the mail to let your friend know you’re thinking of them. If you live close enough, you can even drop something off on their porch. Small gestures like that can go a long way toward making your friendships stronger in the long run.
Take Care of Yourself
One of the most important aspects of maintaining friendships is taking care of your own mental and physical health. When you’re healthy and happy, you’re more likely to want to reach out and engage with your friends. You’re also more likely to pick up the phone when someone calls and have a conversation.
Social distancing can feel socially isolating, but it doesn’t have to. If you’re finding it hard to connect with people during this time and feeling depressed or anxious, don’t be afraid to reach out. You can contact us anytime to make an appointment to talk through your feelings and feel connected again.
