by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Mar 21, 2019 | Blog, couples
A complete guide for couples who are ready to move in
There comes a time in every relationship when you decide that you are spending a lot of time together and sharing a tremendous amount of sleepovers. When this comes to a realization, then there is a big decision that needs to be made….do we move in together?
What do you consider when making this big decision? When is the right time? How do we combine our finances, space, and time?
So when IS the right time to move in together? There are some signs that could lead you in the right direction.
SIGNS YOU ARE READY TO MOVE IN TOGETHER
- You understand your partner, they understand you, and you both aware of and understand each others habits.
- You are comfortable discussing money and finances together.
- It’s getting a little inconvenient NOT to move in together. (Sleepovers and living out of a gym bag is not fun.)
- You both understand that it will be tough.
- You’re both completely independent.
- You make quality time for each other.
- You are both great at solving problems and talking out disagreements.
If you checked off more than a few of these signs you are golden!
When moving in together, I’ve put together a couple of different lists that include tips that can help you along the way.
THINGS TO CONSIDER
- Understand that your life is about to change DRAMATICALLY.
- You’re essentially married now, and will need to consider another person’s opinion of your finances, your schedule, your time, etc.
- Privacy will be non-existent. (Even bathroom time can be interrupted.)
- Chores are to be split evenly, the house will not clean itself, and it’s unfair to rely on your partner to keep the house clean.
- You will need to ASK for your alone time. It’s not going to be an automatic, natural, thing to have.
- You will need to learn how to solve your disagreements in the best, amicable way possible.
- There is an art to combining space and finances. It’s personal to everyone, you and your partner will have to figure out what works best for you.
TIPS TO COMBINING FINANCES
- Keep ONE account solely for paying bills (a “Bill-Pay” account) where both of you deposit money into for paying bills.
- You should both sit down every payday and discuss bills that are due, and expenses, together.
- Keep separate accounts for yourselves, but be open, honest, and give your partner access to your account.
TIPS TO COMBINING TIME AND SCHEDULES
It’s easy to forget that when you RSVP for any event, you must consider the schedule and time of the person you are sharing your life with. Here are some tips to help along the way.
- Sit every saturday or sunday and go over scheduling for the following week. Events, appointments, work, etc. Make sure that you are both on the same page.
- Use a calendar app, like google calendar, etc. and combine it for the use of you and your partner. Include your partner whenever you are scheduling a last minute appointment or event.
In conclusion, moving in together can be an exciting and joyous time full of possibilities and new ways to explore each other and be part of each other’s lives! But remember that it’s also difficult to combine two lives and two personalities, into one household. So be kind, understanding, and compassionate.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Feb 12, 2019 | Blog, couples, divorce
Empty Nest syndrome is defined as sadness or emotional distress that will affect parents whose children have grown up and left home. This usually happens when children leave home to go to college, get married, and the very last one has left home and moved away.
Who can be vulnerable to this? Well, basically any parent facing an empty home when their children are growing up and leaving the “nest” – so to speak. If you have children, it’s inevitable and is something that couples will have to face sooner or later.
So what are the challenges and how do couples overcome these challenges?
Challenge #1 – Neglect
One of the bigger challenges is that couples have neglected their marriage for so many years that they no longer know how to act like a couple with no children in the home to care for. Their entire lives were spent catering to and caring for their children. So when the children leave home, they are left with essentially, a stranger. They don’t know their partner in this whole new light.
Activities have revolved around the children for so many years, their birthdays, sports, school plays, etc.
So when all that is done….what’s next??
You have to get to know your partner all over again! You have to re-learn likes, dislikes, quirks, and it can be a struggle.
Challenge #2 – Feeling Differently
Another challenge is that two people who are married may have different views on empty nest syndrome altogether. One may have a feeling of relief and joy, while the other will have a feeling of despair and loneliness.
If one partner is experiencing a different kind of empty nest syndrome and may be adjusting better or appreciating life without children in the home, then there might be feelings that are brought to the surface of the marriage, such as tension and bitterness.
Challenge #3 – Worrying About the Children
Anxiety and worry about the children being so far away is another challenge that couples face. The worry alone is a stressor that can put a dark cloud over any marriage. Peace is not really something that is experienced in a household full of worry and anxiety. One partner may worry more than the other, and again, feelings of bitterness and tension will arise.
So how do couples overcome this?
- Try to reconnect together as a couple! Find things that are enjoyable for both parties and do them together! Hobbies, date nights, dinners, movies, anything!
- Ease the worry and tension by understanding how both parties feel! Show empathy towards the partner that is feeling more worry, and more despair, and try your best to help them through this period so that they don’t feel alone.
- Create a plan for reconnecting and stick to it! Weekly date nights, daily phone calls, brunch on the weekends, the possibilities are endless
- Try not to worry so much about your children! It’s difficult to do, but the task at hand is to make your marriage stronger so that you both can be there to support your adult children when they need you.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Mar 1, 2017 | Blog, couples, Uncategorized
How To Protect Your Relationship From Affairs
Many marriages end up in divorce when a couple is caught having affairs. Security and trust are easily destroyed. Thankfully, couples who decide to stay and go through counseling regain that sense of security and trust again. To protect your marriage or relationship and have a happy one, you need to make it affair-proof.
How to affair-proof your relationship:
1. Talk About Fidelity and What it Means to you
Ensure that you talk to your partner about fidelity, how important it is to you, and how it would affect you and the marriage if there is ever a betrayal. Your partner might not know how important it is to you or what your reactions towards it might be. It is more difficult to cheat when there is a continuous discussion about faithfulness and your feelings towards it.
2. Keep your Sex Life Active and Exciting
Feeling neglected, tolerated or unwanted can be a big push into someone else’s bed. Don’t allow your sex life to sink gradually and feel there won’t be any consequence. Show your partner that you desire him/her by accepting advances and being playful.
3. Ensure That your Relationship is Intimate
Sometimes, affairs happen because someone is feeling disconnected or angry. Use that passion to turn towards your partner instead of away by sharing intimate thoughts and feelings.
4. Keep Things Romantic
Don’t let your partners daydream about a candlelight dinner or a trip to Paris with someone else because they know you won’t do it. Say sweet things like “I love you,” “I miss you,” “I am so fortunate because I have you.” Yes! All these mushy things don’t go out of style.
5. Spend Time Together
When couples stay with each other for a long time, they tend to get too busy and have little time for each other. Spending too much time with friends instead of your spouse can make it easy for someone else to step in. If you feel the connection between you and your spouse is wearing off, it is time to change things quickly.
6. Stay Away From Temptation
You are always going to meet someone more attractive than your spouse; it may be a neighbor, co-worker, high school sweetheart. Avoid that person or any comprising situation that might lead you into temptation.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Feb 16, 2017 | Blog, couples, Uncategorized
How To Rekindle The Flame In Your Relationship
When couples get used to each other, relationships tend to be boring and tiring. Spouses go through so many challenges and at times romance is placed on the back burner. Staying close to each and having a happy marriage depends on the willingness of both partners. Rather than feeling confined to the typical habits and mainstream practices, you can seek ways to keep the relationship alive through new experiences, romantic gestures, and couples counseling.
Here are few ways to keep things fresh and alive in a relationship
Communicate
A fulfilling marriage and relationship requires a couple to communicate effectively to avoid misunderstandings. For a long term relationship to be successful, you must learn to listen to your spouse attune to what he/she is thinking and feeling. Make your spouse feel comfortable talking to you and respect their opinions. In a relationship, you will not always agree but make sure you do not lower your spouse’s esteem by dismissing their opinions or judging them.
Spend time together
Nothing feels better then having fun together as a couple. Going on a date will help you discuss things in a more emotional way and equally show how much you care. Spontaneously hit the road without a destination mind. Create time for each other away from the kids to enable you to connect without distractions. Throw a surprise party for your significant other once in a while to make them feel special. Find time to just be playful and carefree to connect in a more passionate way.
Appreciate each other
Make your spouse feel appreciated, tell her how beautiful she is and remind them that you still love about them. Buying gifts to thank your spouse for being the best will make the relationship feel fresh and alive. Pay attention to what your spouse likes and dislikes and use this knowledge to show him how much you care. Appreciating your spouse for being successful is a special way of motivating them to work harder.
Seek counseling
Marriage counseling will empower you both with better skills to understand each other and therefore build a stronger relationship. Attending marriage therapy will help you manage anger during arguments. Couples counseling also helps you understand each others differences to avoid numerous fight. Through therapy you will both learn each others love language, gain tools to communicate better, and resolve gridlock conflict.
Connect physically
It is essential to maintain a healthy sexual relationship with your spouse. Flirt with your loved one so that they know you are still interested in them. Consider starting foreplay in the morning and continue throughout the day. A healthy sexual life will lead to a strong bond in other areas. Respecting the desires of your partner and being romantic will keep you together. Be open to trying new things.
Rekindling the flame is not that hard, it just takes desire, effort, and time.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Nov 17, 2016 | Blog, couples
When we are in a relationship with our spouse or significant other, we often fall into the trap of believing that it is supposed to be hard. After all, anything worth having is worth working for, right? Couples who have begun to struggle start to think that relationships are meant to be hard, until they realize that there are a number of simple solutions available.
Marriage counseling is always a great way to mend any fences that have been damaged in a relationship. Relationships can seem difficult when we are the ones who are forced to deal with the ups and downs on an everyday basis, since it can become hard to see the bigger picture. Being immersed in the smaller details of a relationship has a way of doing that to us.
By being willing to head to counseling and engage in therapy, we can learn more about our relationship from an outsider’s perspective. A marriage or relationship counselor is not there to take sides or assign blame to one party or another. Their job is to listen to what both sides have to say and provide them with the tools that they need to make their future disagreements more productive.
Having a relationship that is 100 percent free of arguments is essentially impossible and there is no real way to do so. Arguments are how couples grow together and learn more about one another, as opposed to couples who avoid them completely, allowing themselves to slowly grow apart over the course of their relationship.
Therapy teaches us how to have these arguments in a way that helps us to better understand each other and it also teaches us how to walk a mile in the other person’s shoes. We often lack a certain amount of empathy in our relationships and when we engage in therapeutic exercises, it gives us the chance to take a look at things through our partner’s point of view.
Relationships do not have to be hard, but that does not mean that either member of a couple should expect their relationship to run smoothly without putting in any sort of effort. Couples who wish to make their efforts count should rely on the assistance of an experienced therapist, so that they can sort through all of their assorted feelings and emotions without endangering the connection that they’ve built.
If you find that you and your significant other or spouse is struggling to communicate, you’ll want to make changes immediately. Don’t make the mistake of believing that you can work through every problem without assistance. We all need help sometimes and with couples therapy, the issues that you are currently going through can become a thing of the past.
https://www.new.truemecounseling.com/couples-counseling/
