How to Fight Fair in a Relationship: 10 Rules for Healthier Conflict

Solvable vs. Perpetual Problems

Gottman’s research found that many of the problems couples argue about are ‘perpetual’ in the sense that they stem from enduring differences in personality, values and needs. One partner may always be the neater one, the more social one, the more thrifty with money etc.

Perpetual problems don’t need to be “solved.” They need to be managed with understanding and humor. Fighting fair helps couples talk about these differences without making every disagreement into a crisis.

10 Rules for Fighting Fair

These are the guidelines drawn from the Gottman research and from what Marina has found to be effective in her own practice with couples.

1. Start Gently

The first three minutes of a conversation are often the best predictor of how it’s going to go. That’s what Gottman refers to as the ‘gentle start up’. Rather than opening with blame, describe the situation and how you feel and then say what you need.

• Harsh: “You never help around here, you’re just the most lazy sod.”

• Gentle: “I’m absolutely overwhelmed with the house this week. Can you take the dishes tonight?”

2. Use “I” Statements

‘I’ statements hold the focus on your own experience rather than on your partner’s character. “I felt hurt when the plans were changed without any notice at all” is going to have a very different ring to “You always do whatever you want”.

3. Stick to One Issue

It’s so tempting to just lay out all your frustrations at once. The problem with that is it just overwhelms your partner and you can’t possibly get anything sorted out. Pick one issue to raise and come back to the others another time.

4. Avoid “Always” and “Never”

‘Always’ and ‘never’ turn a specific complaint into an attack on your partner as a person. They also lead your partner into arguing about the exceptions rather than the issue itself.

5. No Name-Calling, Mocking, or Eye-Rolling

Gottman identified contempt as one of the biggest predictors of relationship breakdown. Sarcasm, mockery, insults and eye-rolling are all forms of contempt. They’re all off limits even in the heat of the moment.

6. Listen to Understand, Not to Win

Try to get into your partner’s point of view before you go off and defend your own. Repeat it back: “So you felt like I didn’t take your concern seriously. Is that right?” Often once you’ve been understood the whole thing defuses.

7. Take Responsibility for Your Part

Even if you don’t agree with everything your partner says there’s invariably something you can own. “You’re right, I was short with you this morning” can completely shift the tone of the entire conversation.

8. Take a Break When You’re Flooded

When you’re both really emotionally charged the body goes into fight or flight. That’s what Gottman calls ‘flooding’ and it makes it absolutely impossible to listen or think. If either of you is flooded then take a 20 minute break. Do something to calm down and then come back. Marina’s page on self regulation in a relationship goes into how you regulate your body during conflict.

9. Keep the Kids and Others Out of It

Don’t argue in front of the kids, don’t bring friends and family into it. That adds pressure and makes it far more difficult to get to the root of the problem. Save the real argument for private time and don’t go round venting about your partner to people who will take sides.

10. Always Repair

Repair is any attempt to de-escalate or reconnect (a joke, a touch, an apology, ‘Can we start over?’). Gottman found that the successful couples aren’t the ones who never have an argument. They’re the ones who repair. After the argument you check in: ‘Are we okay?’

Common Unfair Fighting Habits to Watch For

Many couples fall into unfair habits without realizing it. Watch for:

• Kitchen-sinking: bringing up every past grievance at once
• Mind-reading: assuming you know what your partner thinks or intends
• Scorekeeping: “I did this, so you owe me that”
• Threatening the relationship: saying “Maybe we should just break up” in the middle of a fight
• Stonewalling: shutting down or walking away without explanation
• Defensiveness: responding to every complaint with a counterattack or excuse

If any of that sounds familiar you’re not alone. That’s all very common and very changeable.

How to Repair After a Fight

The conversation after an argument is just as important as the argument itself. Once you’ve both calmed down:

1. Talk about what happened. Each person in the partnership takes it in turn to say how they felt during the argument, without re-living or re-arguing the issue.
2. Acknowledge each other’s experience. You don’t have to agree to say “I can see why that hurt”.
3. Own your part. Apologise for the specific things you’re sorry about.
4. Make a plan. Agree on what you’ll try differently next time.
5. Reconnect. A hug, a walk or a meal together will go a long way to close the loop.

Marina’s guide to argument prevention and management has a number of further tools for getting arguments to an end.