by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Mar 1, 2017 | Blog, couples, Uncategorized
How To Protect Your Relationship From Affairs
Many marriages end up in divorce when a couple is caught having affairs. Security and trust are easily destroyed. Thankfully, couples who decide to stay and go through counseling regain that sense of security and trust again. To protect your marriage or relationship and have a happy one, you need to make it affair-proof.
How to affair-proof your relationship:
1. Talk About Fidelity and What it Means to you
Ensure that you talk to your partner about fidelity, how important it is to you, and how it would affect you and the marriage if there is ever a betrayal. Your partner might not know how important it is to you or what your reactions towards it might be. It is more difficult to cheat when there is a continuous discussion about faithfulness and your feelings towards it.
2. Keep your Sex Life Active and Exciting
Feeling neglected, tolerated or unwanted can be a big push into someone else’s bed. Don’t allow your sex life to sink gradually and feel there won’t be any consequence. Show your partner that you desire him/her by accepting advances and being playful.
3. Ensure That your Relationship is Intimate
Sometimes, affairs happen because someone is feeling disconnected or angry. Use that passion to turn towards your partner instead of away by sharing intimate thoughts and feelings.
4. Keep Things Romantic
Don’t let your partners daydream about a candlelight dinner or a trip to Paris with someone else because they know you won’t do it. Say sweet things like “I love you,” “I miss you,” “I am so fortunate because I have you.” Yes! All these mushy things don’t go out of style.
5. Spend Time Together
When couples stay with each other for a long time, they tend to get too busy and have little time for each other. Spending too much time with friends instead of your spouse can make it easy for someone else to step in. If you feel the connection between you and your spouse is wearing off, it is time to change things quickly.
6. Stay Away From Temptation
You are always going to meet someone more attractive than your spouse; it may be a neighbor, co-worker, high school sweetheart. Avoid that person or any comprising situation that might lead you into temptation.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Feb 16, 2017 | Blog, couples, Uncategorized
How To Rekindle The Flame In Your Relationship
When couples get used to each other, relationships tend to be boring and tiring. Spouses go through so many challenges and at times romance is placed on the back burner. Staying close to each and having a happy marriage depends on the willingness of both partners. Rather than feeling confined to the typical habits and mainstream practices, you can seek ways to keep the relationship alive through new experiences, romantic gestures, and couples counseling.
Here are few ways to keep things fresh and alive in a relationship
Communicate
A fulfilling marriage and relationship requires a couple to communicate effectively to avoid misunderstandings. For a long term relationship to be successful, you must learn to listen to your spouse attune to what he/she is thinking and feeling. Make your spouse feel comfortable talking to you and respect their opinions. In a relationship, you will not always agree but make sure you do not lower your spouse’s esteem by dismissing their opinions or judging them.
Spend time together
Nothing feels better then having fun together as a couple. Going on a date will help you discuss things in a more emotional way and equally show how much you care. Spontaneously hit the road without a destination mind. Create time for each other away from the kids to enable you to connect without distractions. Throw a surprise party for your significant other once in a while to make them feel special. Find time to just be playful and carefree to connect in a more passionate way.
Appreciate each other
Make your spouse feel appreciated, tell her how beautiful she is and remind them that you still love about them. Buying gifts to thank your spouse for being the best will make the relationship feel fresh and alive. Pay attention to what your spouse likes and dislikes and use this knowledge to show him how much you care. Appreciating your spouse for being successful is a special way of motivating them to work harder.
Seek counseling
Marriage counseling will empower you both with better skills to understand each other and therefore build a stronger relationship. Attending marriage therapy will help you manage anger during arguments. Couples counseling also helps you understand each others differences to avoid numerous fight. Through therapy you will both learn each others love language, gain tools to communicate better, and resolve gridlock conflict.
Connect physically
It is essential to maintain a healthy sexual relationship with your spouse. Flirt with your loved one so that they know you are still interested in them. Consider starting foreplay in the morning and continue throughout the day. A healthy sexual life will lead to a strong bond in other areas. Respecting the desires of your partner and being romantic will keep you together. Be open to trying new things.
Rekindling the flame is not that hard, it just takes desire, effort, and time.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Feb 8, 2017 | Blog, Uncategorized
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People often fall helplessly in love with the perfect aspects of people’s personalities. Who wouldn’t? Anyone can love the best parts of another individual. The question is: Can you accept their flaws? Can you honestly say, ‘I could work around that’ about your partner and kids?
Part of the main challenges of marriage is the continuous need to remind ourselves about the reason we married our spouse, to refocus ourselves on all the qualities that drew us to them, and tell ourselves that we’ll fine tune, but we can’t change their basic character.
How to accept the flaws of your spouse and kids
If you’re loud and lively and you were attracted to your spouse for his/her sense of calm, you cannot complain that they don’t like going out more often. Instead, we must concentrate on the positive effect that his/her peaceful nature has on your wilder one.
It’s in such areas of diversity that there’s usually the most attraction, and the most struggles, with opportunity for growth.
Another tricky aspect is seeing the good part that’s “always” there. The irritations. The pet peeves and habits and major and minor troubles that make you go crazy. Accepting your spouse’s flaw is easier when you’re aware of your bad habits, quirks, and weaknesses. One way to accept your spouses’ flaws is to take into account their positive side and what you appreciate about them. Another way to accept your spouses’ and kids flaws is to be conscious of and also accept your own.
How can you become aware of yourself and your environment?
Self-awareness involves noting your actions and thoughts. One way to note them is by putting them down in a journal daily.
If you continue putting it off and letting a week pass by without making the notes, you might not remember everything important.
Keeping notes will help you to see the values and patterns you have been hiding all along. Once you identify patterns, you gain the power to change them if they are not self serving.
If you’re self-aware, you’ll learn from your mistakes and the mistakes of others around you. You will also understand your environment and how you impact others better. This will help you to focus more on their good aspects rather than their flaws.
An individual’s belief in their power to succeed is set by how they behave, think, and feel. Somebody with a firm self-efficacy, for instance, views tasks as mere challenges that have to be overcome, and aren’t easily disheartened by setbacks.
Such people are aware of all their abilities and flaws and choose to use these qualities properly.
A person with a fragile sense of self-efficacy avoids challenges and easily feels dispirited by setbacks. They might not be conscious of their negative reactions, and so do not change their attitude.
Accepting your spouse’s flaws can start by appreciating their virtues and working on your own self awareness.
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Jan 12, 2017 | Blog, holiday
[heading animation=”” color=”” type=”1″ align=”left”]Post Holiday Hangover[/heading]
Hangover can be defined as {a severe headache or other after effects caused by drinking an excess of alcohol or a thing that has survived from the past}
Let’s focus on the latter definition, a thing that has survived from the past…you have over indulged in shopping, consumed food in excess, participated in family, friends, and other social activities in abundance, and of course sampled many libations.
But now it’s the ‘morning after’ and:
- decorations need to be packed up
- pounds need to be shed
- debt needs to be repaid
- gifts need to be returned
- liver needs to be detoxed
- family relations need to be stabilized etc
So basically all of the negative carryovers from the holiday season without the joy and sparkle. It is normal to feel blue and sad when the jubilations come to an end. Having places to go and people to see makes every one of us feel loved and cared for. But when it’s over and normal life starts back up withdrawal symptoms can occur.
The cure can be found by going back to the basics of the Five Love Languages written by Gary D. Chapman.
I present to you a new spin on the five love languages and how you can give the love you need to yourself
- Touch – cuddle with your pet,
- Words of affirmation – meditate on what you value about you
- Gifts – buy yourself a gift that you didn’t get or give yourself a gift of time and spend one hour they way you want to
- Quality time – exercise, visit museums, hike with friends
- Acts of service – cook clean food, organize your closet, volunteer
Also consider how much time you spent perusing social media. Did you, like many others, compare yourself to your Facebook Friends? If you did your mood can significantly be negatively affected by the feeling of not measuring up or being excluded. Digital and social media addiction is real and extremely prevalent over the holidays. It makes you aware of the party you were not invited to or family vacations that your friends took which were soooo much nicer then your trip up North to visit Aunt Bertha. Start your year off by swearing of social media and watch your mood improve.
Another good antidote to the post holiday blues is to plan a party. Valentines Day is coming up soon, the Oscars give a good reason to get a group together, or even random Sunday for brunch. Give yourself something to look forward and help your creative energy find a new purpose.
Maybe your down mood is a sign that it is time to see a therapist to deal with your underlying depression. Therapy can be short term and solution focused. You will learn more about yourself and how you show up in the world. Discovering new coping skills will make life more pleasant and normal irritants will seem less bothersome.
It’s a new year … reinvent the new you!
https://www.new.truemecounseling.com
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Dec 12, 2016 | Blog, focus
Focus In Sports
There is an absolute necessity to maintain focus in any type of sports; be it golf, tennis or soccer. Even at work or in life generally, maintaining focus is very important. Sports is a task you do for satisfaction and that needs physical skill or struggle, normally done in a special location and in accordance with fixed rules. The ability to maintain concentration in the present and remain focused on this task is key in achieving optimal performance.
As a competition progresses, an athlete frequently turns his or her concentration on and off with the competition’s flow and ebb. And with this attitude of switching concentration on and off, getting into a rhythm becomes a bigger difficulty. Total concentration is highly necessary in any sports, and this happens when an athlete gets totally involved in an activity, feels that there is suspension of time, and gets rid of a sense of separation from his or her surroundings.
The absolute ability to control attention to a significant thought, object, or feeling is a major element for keen focus in any task. Athletes must also possess an ability to ignore or restrict distraction or insignificant thoughts to maintain focus. These qualities will trigger optimal performance by athletes during a competition.
There is a tendency for athletes to get distracted during sports. Most times, irrelevant cues are the main causes of these distractions. An example of these distractions is the persistent thought about future outcomes of the game. The first step to take in preventing or conquering these distractions is for athletes to recognize immediately when they are off task and take necessary action. In taking necessary action, athletes must develop the ability to refocus on the actual relevant cues whenever these distractions occur. This requires the athlete to fix or narrow his or her attention. A great way through which athletes can refocus on relevant cues when distracting thoughts come to mind, is by convincing themselves to suspend thoughts about the final outcome, such a thoughts will not help them in any way at the moment; rather, it may trigger anxiety and unnecessary pressure in them which may hinder optimal performance. Irrelevant cues also include thoughts not related to the present game; for example, athletes may be thinking about what to have for dinner, a project that must be finished the next day, or how tough the next opponent will be if they win. Athletes can overcome such distracting thoughts by going back to putting their full focus on the present task. Putting their full focus on the present task or refocusing requires athletes asking themselves a question such as, “What exactly do I need to do at the moment to perform and deliver my best?”
For years, focus has been misunderstood by athletes as concentrating on a particular thing for long period of time. This gross misconception should be eradicated and athletes should now be educated that focus actually means concentrating only on relevant cues in your sports field. With this, athletes would be free from distractions that prevent them from giving their best in any game.
https://www.new.truemecounseling.com
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Dec 6, 2016 | anxiety, Blog
Managing Stress Over The Holidays
The holidays provide us with a valuable opportunity to spend time with friends and family, but they can also provide us with a great deal of anxiety and stress. Fortunately, there are a few ways to reduce the level of strain that we place on our mind states during the holidays, so be sure to read on and learn more.
Ditch The Perfectionism
There is a pervasive sense that the holidays have to unfold perfectly or else they are a failure. However, even the best laid plans tend to go awry and by allowing yourself to let go of the idea that things can be “perfect”, you are able to embrace all of the best aspects of the season, as opposed to worrying yourself sick trying to live up to some ideal that doesn’t even exist.
Don’t become excessively focused on the result. Train your focus on the process and enjoy every minute of it. Even if things do not go the exact way that you expect, you can still derive maximum happiness from your holiday season. After all, the destination is never as important as the journey that you will take to get there.
Be Grateful
The holidays only come once a year and the ability to regularly spend time with our loved ones is something that we tend to lose out on as we grow older. That is why we need to be truly grateful during this time of year, especially when we find ourselves becoming stressed out and anxious. Stress and anxiety only serves to keep us from the true meaning of the season.
Taking the holidays for granted is how stress ends up being magnified. When you feel yourself becoming overwhelmed, stop and take a moment to think about your true objectives. Chances are, they have very little to do with buying the nicest gifts or preparing the fanciest meal.
Make a Budget and Stick To It
When it comes time for your holiday shopping, it is in your best interests to make a budget and stick to it, so that you are not spending money that you do not have and causing additional stress and anxiety. Making a list of each person that you have to purchase a gift for is a great way to keep spending to a minimum.
Truly savvy shoppers who wish to avoid stress will even start their shopping early. There are a plethora of after holiday sales that can get you started for the next year and by keeping your eyes peeled throughout the year, you can significantly reduce the amount of work that you will need to do once December rolls around. As an added bonus, you can also reduce those unsightly credit card bills that arrive in your mailbox come January.
https://www.new.truemecounseling.com
by Marina Edelman, LMFT | Nov 17, 2016 | Blog, couples
When we are in a relationship with our spouse or significant other, we often fall into the trap of believing that it is supposed to be hard. After all, anything worth having is worth working for, right? Couples who have begun to struggle start to think that relationships are meant to be hard, until they realize that there are a number of simple solutions available.
Marriage counseling is always a great way to mend any fences that have been damaged in a relationship. Relationships can seem difficult when we are the ones who are forced to deal with the ups and downs on an everyday basis, since it can become hard to see the bigger picture. Being immersed in the smaller details of a relationship has a way of doing that to us.
By being willing to head to counseling and engage in therapy, we can learn more about our relationship from an outsider’s perspective. A marriage or relationship counselor is not there to take sides or assign blame to one party or another. Their job is to listen to what both sides have to say and provide them with the tools that they need to make their future disagreements more productive.
Having a relationship that is 100 percent free of arguments is essentially impossible and there is no real way to do so. Arguments are how couples grow together and learn more about one another, as opposed to couples who avoid them completely, allowing themselves to slowly grow apart over the course of their relationship.
Therapy teaches us how to have these arguments in a way that helps us to better understand each other and it also teaches us how to walk a mile in the other person’s shoes. We often lack a certain amount of empathy in our relationships and when we engage in therapeutic exercises, it gives us the chance to take a look at things through our partner’s point of view.
Relationships do not have to be hard, but that does not mean that either member of a couple should expect their relationship to run smoothly without putting in any sort of effort. Couples who wish to make their efforts count should rely on the assistance of an experienced therapist, so that they can sort through all of their assorted feelings and emotions without endangering the connection that they’ve built.
If you find that you and your significant other or spouse is struggling to communicate, you’ll want to make changes immediately. Don’t make the mistake of believing that you can work through every problem without assistance. We all need help sometimes and with couples therapy, the issues that you are currently going through can become a thing of the past.
https://www.new.truemecounseling.com/couples-counseling/
